Strip club

Full disclosure- I have no problem with my other half going to strip clubs when on a stag do and I fully expected him to do it on his stag do.

I spoke to him by phone over the weekend of his stag do and he mentioned he'd got in at 5am one morning. I asked whether that's because he'd been in a strip club and he said no. He's just accidentally let slip that he did in fact go to one.

I'm gutted, not because he went but because he lied about going. 

I don't know how to approach the subject without sounding controlling or like I'm going back on what I said was acceptable. Feeling pretty shit right now!

(I was cheated on throughout my entire first marriage, including with "friends" of mine so honesty is a big deal for me)

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Posts

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 975 New bride

    Oh no, I'm so sorry for you Rach.  And you have a more lenient view on strip clubs than most I'd say, so it really sucks that this had to happen this way.  If you were ok with it, what would be the logic of not disclosing it??

    All I can suggest is speaking to him and explaining not only how you feel, but why.  And give him a chance to explain why he decided not to tell you.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride

    I just feel quite sad because I think I'm a fairly relaxed girlfriend, I don't impose limits or rules and the only thing I ask for in return is honesty. I feel like a mug to be honest 

  • I'm another person not fussed about strip clubs. Couldn't give a hoot if H2B went to one...anyway Rach, have you actually ever told him in passing conversation that you're open minded about strip clubs? If you haven't then most guys just assume that all women are dead against them and I'd probably just assume that he was afraid of upsetting you...which yes he has done anyway by not being truthful to begin with but hey we all make mistakes right? I don't agree that it should be game over though! A discussion is needed but to end a relationship and impending marriage for what I'm assuming is a one off occurrence as OP has not mentioned of repeat behaviour, is utterly bonkers to me lol 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    He was probably embarrased or didn't believe you were 100% truthful over not minding, it wouldn't be the first time a person says 'oh I dont mind, its fine!' just for it to then happen and that person then hit the roof.

    I also dont mind H2B going to a strip club on his stag but I doubt he would tell me, but then I know he will tell me very little about his stag in general, and I will say very little about my hen, those are private times for friends in our opinion.

    Just laugh and say 'you do realise you could have just told me? I dont mind' and remind him that you prefer honesty, even if he thinks he's hiding it to spare your feelings

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I think I'd be briefly annoyed but I agree with Sadie that he was probably embarassed. 

    I know you're upset and you have every reason to be with what's happened in the past but I really wouldnt dwell on it. I think treating this as a game changer would be pretty extreme.

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride

    I think you need to make it clear that you’re upset about him lying, not the strip club. Explain how hes made you feel. What did you say when he slipped up? 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.
    Our report: A fun, classic May day in navy and blush
    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride

    I'm lying in bed now, I had a conversation with him and explained that it was the lying that I was upset about. He has explained why he lied (he wanted to talk to me about it face to face and not tell me over the phone when I would worry about it) but I've explained that I don't care why he did it, he still lied. I'm feeling pretty rubbish about everything right now and threw weeks before our wedding I could do without this. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,938 New bride
    Beth78 wrote (see post):

    I will just clarify that for ME it would be game over because I am VERY against strip clubs especially on stag dos. The lying by itself is massive but since you’re okay with strip clubs its not a game over situation, but if my fiancé went to a strip club (I have specified he’s not allowed to) and then lied about it I would find it too difficult to get past and it would probably ruin our relationship forever. 

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Truthfully OP, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill - he told a white lie because he was probably with his mates and didn't want to discuss it with you in front of them. Or maybe he thought you would mind really - us women can be notorious for saying one thing but secretly thinking another. 

    I really don't think it's a big deal, and pretty normal not to tell every little detail of your stag/hen to your OH.

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    I completely understand this. I'm polyamorous so even if my fiance wanted to  sleep with someone else or even get into a relationship with someone else I'd be happy with it as long as he were open and honest about it.

    It's always the lying that hurts the most.

    For me, one time lie wouldn't be enough to call off the wedding, I'm not usually one for second chances but with marriage I think you need to be. I guess you just need to make it clear that lying in the future will always be far worse than what he's lying about.

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 975 New bride
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     Hmmm apart from the obvious (don't cheat, and that's  it exactly a spoken rule lol people in general just understand they shouldn't be doing it) then no :/ can't think of anything either of us has ever said the other wasn't allowed go do. If I said to h2b he couldn't do something he would probably go do it anyway even if he wasn't planning on. I'm the same, I don't like someone else telling me.

    My ex had a bar he hated me going in. Told me not to, it was a big deal for him. I went in it most times I went out anyway because his reasons for not 'letting me' were stupid (He previously had fallen out with the owner before we got together). 

    (I know that question wasn't for me lol but figured I would join in)

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,938 New bride
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     

    No, apart from the obvious no cheating or financially ruining us. My fiance may well ask me not to do something, and I can choose after discussion of our reasons whether to go with it or not, but if he "specified I wasn't allowed" I wouldn't take kindly to that at all. No one is the boss of me. My OH is equally stubborn and if I just told him he wasn't allowed to do something, like Sadie's fiance, he'd do it just to prove a point. 

    I grew up around controlling/abusive relationships so autonomy of thought/choice is massively important to me.

    I'm always amazed when my friends ask their husbands if they can go out. I just say "are you in on Friday night? Oh great, I'm going out so can you have H please?". If we both wanted to go out then we just take turns if we can't get a babysitter. 

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    Awhelenqt wrote (see post):

    I completely understand this. I'm polyamorous so even if my fiance wanted to  sleep with someone else or even get into a relationship with someone else I'd be happy with it as long as he were open and honest about it.

    It's always the lying that hurts the most.

    For me, one time lie wouldn't be enough to call off the wedding, I'm not usually one for second chances but with marriage I think you need to be. I guess you just need to make it clear that lying in the future will always be far worse than what he's lying about.

    Thank you. That's exactly it, it's the fact I've worked really hard to trust someone again after everything that I went through in my first marriage, he knows how hard it is for me to trust people and he still lied. For those who think I'm overreacting I may be in your opinion but even a small lie means a lot to me.

    I'm not calling off the wedding, he's an idiot and will be in the dog house for a bit but I love him. I just need to ride this pain out and make him see that it can't happen again 

  • MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     

    No, apart from the obvious no cheating or financially ruining us. My fiance may well ask me not to do something, and I can choose after discussion of our reasons whether to go with it or not, but if he "specified I wasn't allowed" I wouldn't take kindly to that at all. No one is the boss of me. My OH is equally stubborn and if I just told him he wasn't allowed to do something, like Sadie's fiance, he'd do it just to prove a point. 

    I grew up around controlling/abusive relationships so autonomy of thought/choice is massively important to me.

    I'm always amazed when my friends ask their husbands if they can go out. I just say "are you in on Friday night? Oh great, I'm going out so can you have H please?". If we both wanted to go out then we just take turns if we can't get a babysitter. 

    Joining in with this question too! Lol my partner is a grown adult and so am I...we don't need 'rules'. We discuss our issues but we never put a firm block on anything. He's gone for days out with his girl mates, I've gone to gigs with my guy mate. We've both gone away for the weekend and have barely spoke as we understand that each other is busy. As MrsCToBee said, if he specifically doesn't want me to do something we will discuss it and compromise rather than create a rule and visa versa. If he wants to go to a strip club and have some other woman's boobies all up in his face then so be it, I'm lacking in that department he's gotta get those kicks elsewhere! 😂 he's not that type of guy anyway, he's more likely to take his mountain bike and go throw himself down a mountain or two lol He's awesome with me too...I got back from my hen and had no issues with telling him all about the group of American guys we got chatting with in the pub because it was all totally innocent...he wouldn't have dared give me a rule of not speaking or hanging out with other men  

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  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    GettingWed1803 wrote (see post):
    Rach371 wrote (see post):

    I just feel quite sad because I think I'm a fairly relaxed girlfriend, I don't impose limits or rules and the only thing I ask for in return is honesty. I feel like a mug to be honest 

     

     

    I understand totally. it isn't the fact of where he went, but why would he lie? Sometimes I have fo7und that men lie about small things that aren't an issue, because they think it might be an issue, which then makes it into an issue.

    He could've lied that he ate chocolate cake when supposed to be on a diet -- it doesn't matter what the lie is... its a LIE.

    I would say to him how you feel and in future he needs to be honest -- if he has nothing to hide and it was as innocent and he says then why the need to lie?

    Def address it before the wedding hun

     

    Thank you, I'm going to talk to him about it tonight when we've both had a chance to reflect. We spoke this morning breifly about how I'm not bothered about the fact he went to a strip club but that he lied about it.

    I'm feeling fairly rubbish about it all, I wish I could snap out of it! 

     

  • MrsGxMrsGx Posts: 329 New bride
    Rach371 wrote (see post):
     

    For those who think I'm overreacting I may be in your opinion but even a small lie means a lot to me.

     

    I don't think you're overreacting, if it's how you feel then it's how you feel. We are all different and we all have different boundaries within relationships. Just because others are more relaxed about deceit in their relationships doesn't mean they should belittle how this is making you feel. This is obviously upsetting you, so how anyone else would feel in this situation is irrelevant really, it's about you and how you feel about it.

    You are doing the best thing about talking to your partner and I can only echo what others are saying regarding putting the emphasis on the actual act of lying that's upsetting you when you speak to him. It doesn't matter what he's lied about, it's the fact he's done it and broken your trust.

    I've been in a similar situation in a past relationship, and after thinking the worst in my head (lets be honest, it's what most of us do) it turns out he just avoided telling me everything because he thought (wrongly) that telling would make me worry. When actually, finding out he'd kept something from me was worse, because I felt betrayed. 

    It's good you can talk to him about it, I just hope that you can both move on from this soon xx

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride
    Beth78 wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     

    No, apart from the obvious no cheating or financially ruining us. My fiance may well ask me not to do something, and I can choose after discussion of our reasons whether to go with it or not, but if he "specified I wasn't allowed" I wouldn't take kindly to that at all. No one is the boss of me. My OH is equally stubborn and if I just told him he wasn't allowed to do something, like Sadie's fiance, he'd do it just to prove a point. 

    I grew up around controlling/abusive relationships so autonomy of thought/choice is massively important to me.

    I'm always amazed when my friends ask their husbands if they can go out. I just say "are you in on Friday night? Oh great, I'm going out so can you have H please?". If we both wanted to go out then we just take turns if we can't get a babysitter. 

    to me a strip club is cheating, hence why I’ve said he’s not allowed to go. I understand where you are coming from, But im allowed to want a monogamous relationship! Just as you have specified no cheating, I have specified no cheating! I am not controlling in any way so it’s a non point, but it did slightly upset me that you think because I don’t want my partner to cheat that it makes me controlling!

    But a strip club isn't cheating??

     

    Rach hope you are feeling a bit better, maybe he was just really hungover and couldn't cope with questions. I've had my hen do this weekend so could relate to that haha!  I really think he probably didn't mean to lie xx

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    Cheating is a physically sexual act where 2 people take part or an emotional one. Neither of which happens in a strip club. In a strip club you see some girls go topless while being charged too much money for a drink, and if you can be bothered to pay one will dance infront of you for 1 song. There is more nudity in Game of Thrones and Outlander than in a strip club. Topless women are always on the beach on holiday, so not sure why it's any different? Or do you not let him watch those sort of tv shows either?

    It just tits.

    I wouldn't let it make you feel so down. In the end the only one hurting you is you, if you can't move away from this. You have so much to look forward to with your wedding and it would be awful if a bar is what damped the excitement for you x

     

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,938 New bride
    Beth78 wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):
     

    If my fiance "specified I wasn't allowed" to do anything that would be game over for me. 

    Do the two of you really have absolutely no "rules" for each other?  I'm honestly just curious (even if this is a little off topic).  

     

    No, apart from the obvious no cheating or financially ruining us. My fiance may well ask me not to do something, and I can choose after discussion of our reasons whether to go with it or not, but if he "specified I wasn't allowed" I wouldn't take kindly to that at all. No one is the boss of me. My OH is equally stubborn and if I just told him he wasn't allowed to do something, like Sadie's fiance, he'd do it just to prove a point. 

    I grew up around controlling/abusive relationships so autonomy of thought/choice is massively important to me.

    I'm always amazed when my friends ask their husbands if they can go out. I just say "are you in on Friday night? Oh great, I'm going out so can you have H please?". If we both wanted to go out then we just take turns if we can't get a babysitter. 

    to me a strip club is cheating, hence why I’ve said he’s not allowed to go. I understand where you are coming from, But im allowed to want a monogamous relationship! Just as you have specified no cheating, I have specified no cheating! I am not controlling in any way so it’s a non point, but it did slightly upset me that you think because I don’t want my partner to cheat that it makes me controlling!

    It's obviously just a matter of opinion - to me, going to a strip club is no different to me watching Magic Mike - you're just looking, not touching. If you were invited on a hen do that included going to see the Dreamboys or similar would you not attend then?

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    MissGx wrote (see post):
    Rach371 wrote (see post):
     

    For those who think I'm overreacting I may be in your opinion but even a small lie means a lot to me.

     

    I don't think you're overreacting, if it's how you feel then it's how you feel. We are all different and we all have different boundaries within relationships. Just because others are more relaxed about deceit in their relationships doesn't mean they should belittle how this is making you feel. This is obviously upsetting you, so how anyone else would feel in this situation is irrelevant really, it's about you and how you feel about it.

    You are doing the best thing about talking to your partner and I can only echo what others are saying regarding putting the emphasis on the actual act of lying that's upsetting you when you speak to him. It doesn't matter what he's lied about, it's the fact he's done it and broken your trust.

    I've been in a similar situation in a past relationship, and after thinking the worst in my head (lets be honest, it's what most of us do) it turns out he just avoided telling me everything because he thought (wrongly) that telling would make me worry. When actually, finding out he'd kept something from me was worse, because I felt betrayed. 

    It's good you can talk to him about it, I just hope that you can both move on from this soon xx

    thank you, this reply means a lot (as do all the other helpful ones thank you!) it's the trust that he's damaged that means a lot to me, not where he went. 

    That's exactly why he didnt tell me - he wanted to avoid hurting me which actually made it worse. The situation with your past relationship that you described is identical to how i feel now.

    We're going to sit down tonight and talk it through calmly, i've been busy at work today which has been good to help focus my attentions on something else and so I'm hoping I can go home tonight feeling calmer and more reasonable. His intentions were good, i think his execution has been terrible!

    Thank you to everyone that's replied, I do appreciate your kind words. Also didnt mean to start a debate about the morals of going to a strip club or not! 

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    Sadieee wrote (see post):

    Cheating is a physically sexual act where 2 people take part or an emotional one. Neither of which happens in a strip club. In a strip club you see some girls go topless while being charged too much money for a drink, and if you can be bothered to pay one will dance infront of you for 1 song. There is more nudity in Game of Thrones and Outlander than in a strip club. Topless women are always on the beach on holiday, so not sure why it's any different? Or do you not let him watch those sort of tv shows either?

    It just tits.

    I wouldn't let it make you feel so down. In the end the only one hurting you is you, if you can't move away from this. You have so much to look forward to with your wedding and it would be awful if a bar is what damped the excitement for you x

     

    Sadie sorry i dont know if this is aimed at me or not? For the record, I dont care about the club it's more the fact he lied. 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride
    Rach371 wrote (see post):
    Sadieee wrote (see post):

    Cheating is a physically sexual act where 2 people take part or an emotional one. Neither of which happens in a strip club. In a strip club you see some girls go topless while being charged too much money for a drink, and if you can be bothered to pay one will dance infront of you for 1 song. There is more nudity in Game of Thrones and Outlander than in a strip club. Topless women are always on the beach on holiday, so not sure why it's any different? Or do you not let him watch those sort of tv shows either?

    It just tits.

    I wouldn't let it make you feel so down. In the end the only one hurting you is you, if you can't move away from this. You have so much to look forward to with your wedding and it would be awful if a bar is what damped the excitement for you x

     

    Sadie sorry i dont know if this is aimed at me or not? For the record, I dont care about the club it's more the fact he lied. 

    No I just looked back at realised the comment about strip club = cheating was not made by you! I obviously wasn't paying attention when typing, sorry :D

    As for the lying - Blokes are idiots. They always think that by lying it will stop any hassel or arguments and then dont seem to grasp the fact that by lying they make it so much worse. H2B does this all the time.

  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 442 New bride

    I told my now husband that I didn't want him having a stripper and didn't want him going to a strip club, and he respected that. It's not about being controlling or having limits on the relationship, it's asking him not to do something that I would find hurtful. Different people have different parameters for what is and isn't hurtful, and it's up to the people in the relationship to make these clear, respect them and reinforce them if they are broken. I don't see any benefit in arguing over others values. The issue for the OP is the lying, which has been repeated several times now, so let's not make this a debate or judging session when it doesn't need to be.

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,938 New bride

    No one is judging, I just find different viewpoints interesting.

    I did say at the start that he probably just lied so as not to upset OP - I'm sure on reflection he will see it wasn't the best decision and won't repeat it.

  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 1,120 New bride
    Sadieee wrote (see post):
    Rach371 wrote (see post):
    Sadieee wrote (see post):

    Cheating is a physically sexual act where 2 people take part or an emotional one. Neither of which happens in a strip club. In a strip club you see some girls go topless while being charged too much money for a drink, and if you can be bothered to pay one will dance infront of you for 1 song. There is more nudity in Game of Thrones and Outlander than in a strip club. Topless women are always on the beach on holiday, so not sure why it's any different? Or do you not let him watch those sort of tv shows either?

    It just tits.

    I wouldn't let it make you feel so down. In the end the only one hurting you is you, if you can't move away from this. You have so much to look forward to with your wedding and it would be awful if a bar is what damped the excitement for you x

     

    Sadie sorry i dont know if this is aimed at me or not? For the record, I dont care about the club it's more the fact he lied. 

    No I just looked back at realised the comment about strip club = cheating was not made by you! I obviously wasn't paying attention when typing, sorry :D

    As for the lying - Blokes are idiots. They always think that by lying it will stop any hassel or arguments and then dont seem to grasp the fact that by lying they make it so much worse. H2B does this all the time.

    Haha no worries I was just a bit confused!

    And yes blokes are massive idiots!!!

  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 442 New bride

    I think a lot of the posts read like judgement, lots of quoting and strong opinions anyway! There was a thread on a similar theme to this recently and it got quite heated. I guess it's a divisive topic, the strip club that is not the lying. OP I hope you 2 get it sorted and you can move on past it soon x

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    "They're just tits"

    I have that on a t-shirt lmao 

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride
    Samantha265 wrote (see post):

    I think a lot of the posts read like judgement, lots of quoting and strong opinions anyway! There was a thread on a similar theme to this recently and it got quite heated. I guess it's a divisive topic, the strip club that is not the lying. OP I hope you 2 get it sorted and you can move on past it soon x

     

    Is the quote button not just replying, seriously asking as that's what I though it was.  I think most probably thought it was a little strange to say going to a strip club is cheating (not OP) x

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