friendship falling apart with chief bridesmaid

Hello ladies,

I am getting married in less than one month, time is coming around very fast and sadly I am having real under the surface problems with my chief bridesmaid. 

This girl is my best friend but recently I have come to realise she has probably all these years been my longest friend and this wedding has made me realise this. 

I must be honest in the sense that my chief bridesmaid has done quite a bit for my wedding but in recent times I am sensing an attitude problem from her and things kind of came to the surface today. 

A lot of the things she has done I did not ask for but it was great that she did them. These are things such as organising my hen weekend away and helping me with my wedding invitations. I really appreciated all of this but it was suggested to me to have her do these things when me and my fiancé never considered this beforehand. 

There were other things that I felt were really important to me and perhaps more important that than these things she did do that she was unable or available to help with.

Really these are small things and not even things that you would say she has to do but its things such as not coming to dress shopping, dress fitting and most importantly not being willing to do a speech for me at the wedding. I realise its not common for this from bridesmaids etc but my fiancé best man has never met me and I wanted one of my girls to speak for me. 

All of these things I got over pretty easy as with wedding planning there are always bigger challenges to deal with.  I think whats really bothering is not these things but the tension that has come between us and I have no idea where or how this happened. 

I am not sure if other brides have experienced this but here goes. Its almost like without much being said or many arguments taking place that my wedding and its planning is a big inconvenience to her. When the speech thing came up she said she would rather drop off as being the chief bridesmaid and to not cause an argument I just said its fine and got another bridesmaid to do this. She even went to far to say that she would dread coming to my wedding. 

Theres this under the surface resentment I feel that she is unhappy, jealous, envious or just not bothered at all and I can tell all of this from the way she speaks to me and lately its just been the lack of communication really. 

The factor that has sparked this post is something that has happened recently. 

I  started a whats app group to communicate with my bridesmaids as it was suggested by one of them.

My chief bridesmaid has whats app, reads the messages but has never replied or has not contributed towards the conversation.She said it was because she never uses it (even though she has it on her phone).

I wouldn't normally care if it was just silly back and forth girly chat about nothing important but lately really important discussion has been taking place in this group and she has just not been replying. She has even ignored the questions directed at her and not even messaging me privately about these things which are so small and all about the planning of the morning of the wedding. I decided to ask her about this and just encourage her to take part in the conversation when she has a chance. From her response its clear that she has no interest in chatting as she is too busy apparently and wants any questions directed at her privately. That would be fine but this is a team effort that I wanted all my maids to discuss together collectively. 

I have probably not raised many issues here or expressed real evidence of things that has happened to suggest she has been a bad bridesmaid. I am not saying she's been bad, she's been better than others at times but I am just feeling with less than one month to go I am so confused. 

I think my main problem is that I have a girl standing up for me on my special day who I am beginning to think will no longer be my friend after the wedding. 

I really do not know what to do.

Posts

  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    talk to her.

    About HER, not ur wedding.... maybe its just all feelin a bit to much right now

  • Barbie3 wrote (see post):

    talk to her.

    About HER, not ur wedding.... maybe its just all feelin a bit to much right now

    Hi Barbie3, thanks for the quick reply.

    Yeah I do that whenever I speak to her, I ask about her life, her work, family and whats happening. Its normal to say don't talk about the wedding but its so close and things need to be discussed about it that I can't help that. 

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    I'm of the firm belief that bridesmaids should have one job, to turn up and support you on the day. Anything else is extra. Yes, it's nice when they can make it to dress fittings, or organise the hen (mine have been awesome on the hen stuff, but their busy schedules meant they couldn't make every dress appointment, nor would I expect them to.) but you can't expect too much of them. Everyone has their own lives, jobs, families etc, and being a bridesmaid should be fun, not stressful and not hard work. 

    As for making a speech, I think it's totally understandable she doesn't want to speak on the day. Some people absolutely hate the thought, and sometimes even the "traditional" speakers, the groom, father of the bride, best man, don't even make a speech because it's just not their thing. If you're so intent on one of the female bridal party members speaking, why not do one yourself? Or you say another of the girls is happy to, so problem solved.

    I really don't think this is worth ending a friendship over. Take a step back, get it all in perspective, and know that on the day you will have your best friend supporting you. You say yourself she's done things of her own accord to help out, you even say she's been better than some of the others, so I'd be grateful for everything she has done, and ease up on her a bit.

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    Public speaking is terrifying to some people. If she can't do it, she can't do it, you've got another bm doing it, no big deal.

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 975 New bride

    I don't blame her for not wanting to speak, that terrifies some people.  I personally don't mind public speaking but as I can't stand the speeches at weddings, I'd be inclined to decline as well. You can't be upset at her for not wanting to make a speech.

    Also, if she was able to come along for dress shopping, great - if not, oh well. And I definitely wouldn't expect my BMs to come to fittings. That's boring & time consuming even for the bride.  Presumably, in addition to daily life, they also have their own outfits to sort out for your weddings.

    She apparently has helped out with a loads of other things. Honestly, most BMs don't.  Life for women is a lot more complicated now than it was in 1950 when it seems ladies lived to be married (and reveled in being a BM). We don't have time to stuff invite envelopes and shop for shoes together; we're busy written a thesis or buying a house.  Cut her some slack: she's already done more than her fair share. I'm guessing the tension is a result of her thinking you're being ungrateful.

  • congratulations on your wedding, how did it all go with your bridesmaid? I’m asking as I’m having the same problem only my chief has done nothing for me except give me grieve since I booked my wedding 2 years ago. She put a dampener on things being organised for my hen do (which she never organised) my sister had to do because every date given to her she couldn’t do excuse for every one my sister tried organising things to do whilst there she moaned about. She then the day before hen doo she said she wasn’t coming then decided she is, we arrived at the destination for her to stay few hours then got a flight home. I feel like now that was the last straw after everything else no help with organisaction, planning etc no imput at all. Now I don’t know what to do come to see me and I really had a go at her told her she has made me feel like my partner had just come in and told me he cheated. I’m thinking of letting her stee for few days then I’m going to drop her from the bridal party my only snag is she is my partners bro girlfriend. 

  • Maybe she's finding all the stress of planning too much? Re-evaluate your expectations. Is it worth the stress of your friendship ending? What's wrong with her just coming on the day and supporting you there? 

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