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Unenthusiastic bridesmaid

I just need to vent about one of my bridesmaids.

 

After much agonising, I asked 2 people to be my bridesmaids: my 15 year old cousin and one of my oldest friends, who I don’t see much of because she lives a long way away, but we talk regularly.

 

Now, when I asked my friend, I was half expecting her to decline because she suffers quite severe anxiety which has stopped her from working at several points in her life and has periods where she rarely socialises. So when I asked her I made it clear that I would totally understand if she didn’t feel comfortable doing it, and please don’t feel pressured, but she insisted that she would love to do it.

After a couple of months, she asked me if she could wear a suit instead of a dress because “they suit her better”. At first I thought she meant like a flowy, feminine-style suit, but no, she meant a man’s suit. Now, I have seen her wearing a dresses before and she looked gorgeous, and she’s never been a tomboy or anything, so I have no idea where this is coming from. I can only imagine she’s worried about her weight as she is very large. I told her a suit wouldn’t really be an option as she has to dress the same as the other bridesmaid (in reality what I was thinking was “oh my god, you are NOT walking down the aisle with me dressed like a bloke!!!” I know it’s not politically correct to say these days, and I’m honestly usually quite open minded, but to my mind being a bridesmaid is 80% about wearing a pretty dress of the bride’s choosing.) Anyway, I said it’s got to be a dress and she said OK that’s fine. Although she has hinted about suits again since. 

 

So I started looking at dresses, specifically ones that would suit both large and slim figures, and I decided on an infinity dress because that way they can adjust them and wear them however they want. The website has loads of photos of plus-size bridesmaids wearing their dresses and looking stunning. The 15 year old has been impeccable, straight away said yep, that looks lovely, and gave me her waist measurements and I ordered hers. The older bridesmaid said yeah, that looks fine. BUT, it has now been FIVE WEEKS and she still hasn’t given me her waist measurement. I’ve asked her for it 4 times now, and it’s getting to the point where I’m wondering when I should just give up. The wedding is just over 2 months away now, and the dresses are being ordered from abroad, so it’s getting to the point where I really need to order, but I’m just getting really annoyed about how unhelpful she’s being. She keeps giving excuses (she couldn’t find her tape measure… but I mean, she’s had 5 weeks to nip into the corner shop and buy a new one, or even use a bit of string or whatever) and she keeps saying “I’m so so sorry, I’ll do it tomorrow!!” but then she doesn’t do it! I’m starting to wonder if she’s having second thoughts about being a bridesmaid, which I would totally understand, but I can’t really help with that if she won’t tell me and keeps insisting it’s fine and she still wants to do it!

As well as this, she hasn’t even *mentioned* a hen do. I sort of assumed from the start that I’d have plan my own hen do because my older bridesmaid isn’t very good with social stuff, but it would have been nice for her to even bring it up… Just so frustrated and disappointed!!

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  • Ali217Ali217 Posts: 62

    Do you think there might be a connection between her having anxiety as severe as you described, her being asked to wear something she’s said she’s not comfortable in and her not giving you her measurements? Presumably you asked her to be a bridesmaid because she’s a close friend who you want at your side when you get married, she’s not a doll to dress up. Maybe take a step back and think about her telling you she’d be more comfortable in a suit and whether her comfort or her being in a pretty dress is more important.

     

    Edit: hit post too soon 

  • I have had something a bit similar to your situation in which i had asked 2 people to be my bridesmaid but one of them kept on stalling going shopping for her dress, and she just wasn't into it with all her heart because I got the impression there was jealousy.

    I'm not a brideszilla in any respect and very much care about other people and always asked if she was happy  being my bridesmaid in which she said yes. But you could see right through it that she wasn't into it. In the end there were arguments and she became more and more distant in which i made the difficult decision to ask her not to be a bridesmaid. 

    I hope that doesn't happen with you and I'd suggest just to keep communication open, make sure she is truly happy and say that if she isn't then she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do as you don't want her to feel uncomfortable. 

    Weddings are very stressful and for a lot of people can create a rift. I hope you're able to work things out.

  • I’m sorry you’re feeling upset by things so close to your wedding. I would just say I’ve been to a couple of weddings where bridesmaids wore suits or trousers alongside others in dresses and it didn’t make a difference. It’s not about ‘dressing like a bloke’, it’s about feeling comfortable and themselves in a situation where they are on display a lot more than in day to day life. 

    You say that you’re old friends and talk regularly, can you have an honest conversation with her and find out where the issues are? She may be absolutely terrified about wearing the dress you have chosen, or think that they won’t fit her, or even just be struggling with anxiety surrounding the day but be worried about how to bring it up to you without hurting your feelings. Pop your friend hat on for a bit rather than your stressed bride to be getting close to the big day one and see if you can reach a solution. All that being said, if she is just being lazy and forgetful it’s not great on he part but reading this it seems like there’s more to it. 

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    Sorry things are stressful for you. If I'm honest though, I do think you're being a little bit insensitive about the outfit, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the root cause of her backing away. As said above, I think "dressing like a bloke" is a bit harsh, especially in this day and age of ever increasing gender fluidity. I get that maybe it's not exactly the look you'd hoped for, but surely it's about her being comfortable? I would stop and remind myself why I asked her to be a bridesmaid, hopefully because she's an amazing friend! In the grand scheme of things, the outfit is just a superficial aspect and probably doesn't matter as much as you think. Good luck with planning and smoothing things over with her. X

  • RoseyGoldRoseyGold Posts: 164 New bride

    Sorry that it's stressing you out so much but as others have said be her friend. 

    Can you both find a happy medium of outfits, may be some nice trousers and top so your both happy and she feels comfortable and confident on the day too. If she's not it will show up in all your photos and memories of the day.

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    I think as other a have said this could boil down to the outfit Choice. Could you maybe speak to her and met her in the middle abit and suggest one of the pretty flowy suits/jumpsuit. They would blend really well with your younger bridesmaid and help her feel more comfortable.

    My sister suffers really bad anxiety and so I've had to really let her take the lead on her outfit. I choose a colour and we both looked for dresses we liked. We ordered one she wasn't comfortable in and so it had to go back and we got a new one which she looks great in! 

    It's beneficial to you that she is comfortable because if she isn't it will 100% show and you will see that on the photos aswell x

  • AwhelenqtAwhelenqt Posts: 856 New bride

    I have anxiety that means I can't work and as such my bridesmaids comfort was my number one concern when talking outfits. I told them to wear whatever makes them feel most comfortable whether it be a dress or jumpsuit or what. A wedding is am important day for the couple, but it is just one day and it could end up causing days or weeks of negative mental health for the bridesmaid if they're constantly looking at photos of the day obsessing over how they looked and feeling like it's not them.

    If they're wanting to wear a "man's" suit, have you thought about asking them if they've been experiencing gender dysphoria? I had a friend who used to dress very feminine but now they're non binary and dress very masc. Just because your friend has worn dresses in the past doesn't really mean much :/

    Basically just have an open dialogue with them, ask what the issue is whether it be gender dysphoria or an issue with their weight or something else. Listen to them, and actually work with them.

  • Sorry you're having to deal with something stressful so close to your wedding! It's awful when it involves a close friend because you're left weighing up the options - put your foot down and tell her she has to wear a dress and you want her measurements no later than tomorrow night, with the potential of upsetting her and damaging your friendship - or give in on the dress, let her wear a suit and hope that's what was causing the delay but have to adjust the vision of your wedding/photos.

    I think having my friends beside me on my wedding day is a bigger deal to me than what they wear but I don't know if I'd be okay with any of them wearing a suit. Absolutely fine if they were a guest - what they wear then is totally their decision, but as a bridesmaid you know what you're signing up for - you wear what the bride wants you to wear because that day isn't about you, and you're not paying for the outfit.

    I'd call her and ask if you can have an honest chat. Ask her how her anxiety has been in general and how she's feeling in general - don't make it just about the wedding. I'd bring up the fact that you're really running out of time and have until "x" date to get her measurements in otherwise she isn't going to have anything to wear. If she doesn't seem phased maybe ask her if she definitely still wants to be a bridesmaid and just reiterate you won't be upset if she doesn't want to be and would still love to have her as a guest.

  • I totally agree with the above responses! I think suits can be really stylish and you could find one that fits the colour scheme. As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I think her hesitation in giving measurements sounds like it could be because she's upset and nervous about having to wear a dress she feels horrid in. I know it's frustrating, but imagine having to wear a suit on your wedding day and feeling like you'll let someone who's really close to you down if you don't, and starting to panic about them being annoyed with you, and then just closing off altogether. For her, having to wear a dress may be as horrifying to her as the idea of you wearing a suit is to you!

    I also don't see why you're comparing to her to the 15 year old, as the 15 year old may not have body insecurities and anxiety? Think about whether your wedding photos looking 'perfect' is more important to you than her comfort and your friendship with her. Good luck and let us know how you get on! 

  • Can you not compromise? Like others have said, a feminine suit or a jumpsuit could make all the difference in her levels of comfort and would still match your theme.

    My bridesmaid is wearing a jumpsuit as she didn't want to wear a dress. I was more interested in her being comfortable so I said yes and she looks great. And definitely not like a man.

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