Forum home Emotional support

Hen Guestlist

Fellow brides, hoping someone can give me some advice...

I have never gotten along with my BIL2B's girlfriend, although I have always tried. She has always been rude and made plenty of spiteful, snide comments as much as possible over the years, culminating in an outrageous lie designed specifically to upset me, a couple of days after we announced our engagement.

I was devastated that someone would try to cause so much trouble around something so special. We had to have a long chat with her and my BIL2B about all of the horrible things she had said and why I felt like she was bullying me, and told her that any further instances would mean we couldn't possibly have her at the wedding. It's the first time I've properly stood up for myself. She apologised, toned it down and came to our engagement party (we decided to be the bigger party and invite her) but it's clear she still isn't happy for us (she's told my SIL2B that it's because she's jealous, but that's not an excuse!).

Anyway. I have been in turmoil for months over having her at the hen - I conceded she would have to come to the engagement party to keep the family happy, and probably the wedding too, although if I felt like it was my choice, she wouldn't be welcome at either. I can't trust her to behave herself and she makes me feel incredibly anxious and on edge. So I decided to not invite her on my hen, with the support of two of my bridesmaids, my mum and various other friends who know the score - and most importantly, my fiance, who has been amazing throughout all of this.

But.

I gave my bridesmaids my guestlist for the hen, and my third bridesmaid, my SIL2B, is now offended that this girl isn't invited. She thinks she should be, for the sake of us having a 'smooth planning process', and for the sake of the family, but I think I have conceded enough - I have to draw the line somewhere, and for me, the hen is that line. All of my friends know what she's like and she has a reputation within the group for causing trouble and saying horrible things. This girl doesn't even expect to be invited, to my knowledge, but I had always planned to have a conversation with her nearer the time (hen won't be til next summer!) to tell her that she wasn't invited and the reasons why. I would never have left it for her to find out from someone else or on social media or something. My SIL2B has made me feel like a horrible person for deciding not to have her there, when I feel like I'm already being forced to have her at my wedding when I hate the idea of her being present. 

Am I doing the right thing? My fiance is backing me 100% and says I need to make sure I have a good time at my own hen weekend, which he knows I won't if this girl is there. I don't think I'm obliged to have her there when it's a very small group of my closest friends and family, half of them don't know her and the other half don't like her? It's taken me months to decide that it's ok for me to draw boundaries and decide that she won't be coming and now I feel like I'm being unreasonable. Any advice would be great, did anyone have a similar situation? x

Posts

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    You are definitely not being unreasonabl! Stick to your guns and well done for dealing with it so far in a very mature and rational way. I’d politely explain to your SIL that you and her don’t see eye to eye and you want only your close friends and people who love you at the hen and that this girl is neither. Your SIL if questioned over it can either give this reason or say that you specified a guestlist. I can’t imagine this girl would even want to come so maybe your SIL is anticipating (and trying to avoid) drama that won’t even happen.

  • I AGREE!!! Stick to your guns

  • britbirdbritbird Posts: 1,486 New bride

    I had a very similar situation with my future SIL.  I didn't invite her to the hen- she subsequently arranged her daughter's birthday party on the same day, which of course is her choice, but his Mum also- I assume as she never RSVP'd- made the decision not to come, which was a shame as I had specifically organised something in the UK so she could feel included. 

    I think you are doing the right thing- you are not being unreasonable.  A hen is about you- and having your friends around you.   

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,957 New bride

    Hen parties are for you to celebrate with your friends, and this girl most definitely isn't your friend. It's not really SIL to be's place to tell you who you should invite to YOUR hen party.

  • JLM2290JLM2290 Posts: 15 New bride

    Thank you everybody - so reassuring to feel that I'm not being unreasonable! In an ideal world we'd all get along and this would never have been an issue, but sadly it is and I'm just trying to do my best to manage it and keep as many people happy as possible, but I need to draw the line and put myself first somewhere! Thank you all again for being so kind x

  • Definitely not being unreasonable.  In weddings, yes we sometimes have to make compromises to keep everyone happy.  Your hen do is a whole different ball game.  In the most selfish way possible - IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!! It is the one time that you can be as much as a diva as you like.  Why on earth would you want to spoil that by inviting someone for the sake of it.  SIL needs to get a grip - it's not her wedding/hen/celebration.  Tell her to butt out (well not precisely the words I'd use, but I don't want to get banned) xx 

Sign In or Register to comment.