17 year old Grooms Sister demanding boyfriend gets invited!!!

So, I never thought I’d be posting something like this! Funny how weddings bring out the worse in people!

My fiancées younger sister (who I have asked to be bridesmaid) has sent a long message to my fiancee saying she’s offended we have not invited her 17 year old boyfriend to the wedding. I have never met him and they’ve been together a little under a year I think. Weddings are expensive and my fiancées family are contributing absolutely nothing to the wedding. His sister has said she’s offended we’re not taking their relatonship seriously as it’s not just a childhood fling and that we’re being (for want of a better word) ageist! I have been 17 and am sure while they feel this is the real deal it’s hit or miss whether they’ll be together late next year!

His mother has clearly made the situation worse by encouraging her instead of explaining weddings are expensive etc.. 

The text message sent also had a few nasty digs such as ‘she’s doing us a huge favour‘ by Being a bridesmaid (I only asked her to be nice to his side!) and ’ive not met her boyfriend as I’ve not been to their family parties’! (I have 2 children under 6 and a very busy job so may have missed a couple this year!!) 

 

what do I do? keen to tell her not to ‘do us a huge favour’ being bridesmaid and to stop being a spoilt brat?!

advice? :) 

 

Posts

  • I can personally understand why she is offended.  Weddings are a celebration of love, and she may feel smarted that she is being asked to be a part of celebrating your love, while hers is ignored.  Love feels intense whether you are 17 or 37.

     Is your wedding very small?  

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride

    Oh dear, it does sound like she’s throwing her toys out the pram! However, I do think it’s a quite patronising of you to discredit their relationship because they’re younger. Some people are with the love of their life from 17, or younger. I imagine she’s feeling like her relationship isn’t being taken as seriously as other people’s, which I can understand. I have friends at late twenties/early thirties who are as unsteady in a relationship, I could as easily say I don’t know if some of them will be together in a year. 

    It’s absolutely your choice, and it’s annoying the family are chiming in, but I would maybe give it a re-think. My younger cousin has a boyfriend, and at the beginning of our planning we said that if they were still together by the time we sent out proper invites (not just save the dates) we would invite him. They were, and we did invite him. Can you agree something like this nearer the time? Or you could agree on an evening invite with the agreement that if someone drops out he can make it? 

    Regardless, I would treat them like the young adults they are and be cautious of implying they’re not serious because of age. It’s unhelpful for you too as it’ll ruffle feathers with the family.

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    My sister now age 26 has been with her husband since 15. Pretty sure if we tried to not invite him to stuff because of age meaning they may not last she would have been annoyed to. I also know 5 other couples who are still with the person they started going out with as teenagers.

    The godmother of my daughter cheated on her husband (one of our ushers) this year, they've split and he refuses to attend as it's in the same church they married in. Age has no correlation to stability.

    However it is your wedding so final decision is yours and your fiancees

  • Personally i wouldn't be inviting them either, but we are taking a hard stance of "if we both haven't met them then they don't come" and the only exception to this is the elderly rellies who aren't able to travel. 

    I'd say youre really sorry but unfortunately you are keeping it a small intimate wedding so only want people there that you have actually met before, and if she still kicks up a fuss saying its your fault you havent met, explain if they are mature enough to consider their relationship the real deal, they are mature enough to make adult friendships on their own without needing a family event as a reason to meet up. 

    Oh and if her being a bridesmaid is such an effort for her then she doesn't need to do it! Apologise, saying you weren't aware when asking that it would cause her disruption or distress but shes welcome to just come as a guest. 


    I feel incredibly strongly that you shouldn't have ANYONE at your event you don't actually want there. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    CoffeeDogAddict wrote (see post):

    Personally i wouldn't be inviting them either, but we are taking a hard stance of "if we both haven't met them then they don't come" and the only exception to this is the elderly rellies who aren't able to travel. 

    I'd say youre really sorry but unfortunately you are keeping it a small intimate wedding so only want people there that you have actually met before, and if she still kicks up a fuss saying its your fault you havent met, explain if they are mature enough to consider their relationship the real deal, they are mature enough to make adult friendships on their own without needing a family event as a reason to meet up. 

    Oh and if her being a bridesmaid is such an effort for her then she doesn't need to do it! Apologise, saying you weren't aware when asking that it would cause her disruption or distress but shes welcome to just come as a guest. 


    I feel incredibly strongly that you shouldn't have ANYONE at your event you don't actually want there. 

    Totally agree - we aren't having anyone at our wedding ceremony or wedding breakfast that we don't know well, and definitely not people we haven't met. Tell her he's welcome to come to the evening do, but due to restraints on daytime numbers you are only able to invite close family and friends. Her mother should be telling her to grow up, not encouraging this hissy fit. 

    When I was 27 and had a partner I'd been with for 6 years, my friend only invited me to her wedding as she hadn't met him - no drama, I went with another friend and it wasn't an issue.

  • britbirdbritbird Posts: 1,487 New bride

    I think she is being quite immature, but equally they have been together nearly a year.  I didn't invite my cousin's bf to our wedding; they have been together 3 years, since they were 16 and I have never met him!  However, I think a compromise would be to invite him to the evening.  Explain you are limited on numbers.  

  • cs2thecoxcs2thecox Posts: 260 New bride

    Compromise is worth a thought, but I agree that there is no reason to invite him at all.

    Also, who's he going to be hanging out with while she's doing bridesmaidly duties? Does he know her side of the family super well? I've always found it awkward when there are plus ones of the wedding party who don't know many other people - I was plus one when my then-boyfriend was best man and I was literally abandoned all day! I knew no-one and it was terrible! I also sat next to the boyfriend of a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding - she was on top table and he was with a load of people he didn't know. I was single at the time, and was just trying to make him feel included in the table chat, but he must have thought I was trying to hit on him as he KEPT saying blah blah... my girlfriend the bridesmaid... blah blah. I was NOT hitting on him at all, but clearly he felt as awkward as I had at the wedding where my boyfriend was the best man (I just mostly sat in silence at that one).

    Because of all those kinds of experiences, I would tend not to give the wedding party plus ones unless it's a long-established relationship and the other half will know plenty of other people to spend time with. I know a year feels like forever at 17, but it's really not... I'm on your side of politely declining!

  • Thank you all for your responses and they are all appreciated! I’m happy to compromise but felt the way she approached it was quite rude which annoyed me. We’ve only sent save the dates, not invitations, and the messages was quite nasty.. I’m not disregarding him because of age (although I know my last post came across that way!), I’ve never met him, my fiancee has met him twice (briefly) and shes a bridesmaid so as some of you have mentioned, where is he going to go?! 

    I’m personally of the thinking that It’s our wedding, we’re paying for it and we’ll invite who we want. I would never dream of messaging someone (no matter who it was!) asking for a plus one!

    i recently went to a wedding where there were hardly any plus ones (including my partner!) as the brides family were paying for it all and they were on a budget.. (we were the grooms friends) no big deal and no one batted an eyelid! 

    I think obviously many people have completely different views on what’s acceptable and what isn’t.. many people don’t stick to the traditional format anymore... :) 

     

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride
    Daisy43 wrote (see post):

    Thank you all for your responses and they are all appreciated! I’m happy to compromise but felt the way she approached it was quite rude which annoyed me. We’ve only sent save the dates, not invitations, and the messages was quite nasty.. I’m not disregarding him because of age (although I know my last post came across that way!), I’ve never met him, my fiancee has met him twice (briefly) and shes a bridesmaid so as some of you have mentioned, where is he going to go?! 

    I’m personally of the thinking that It’s our wedding, we’re paying for it and we’ll invite who we want. I would never dream of messaging someone (no matter who it was!) asking for a plus one!

    i recently went to a wedding where there were hardly any plus ones (including my partner!) as the brides family were paying for it all and they were on a budget.. (we were the grooms friends) no big deal and no one batted an eyelid! 

    I think obviously many people have completely different views on what’s acceptable and what isn’t.. many people don’t stick to the traditional format anymore... :) 

     

    I totally get the feeling here - I think so often (especially with wedding planning) it’s not so much what’s asked by people, but the way in which they approach you with it. If she’d have been more mature and just spoken to you in a fair and measured way I’m sure you would be much more likely to listen. It’s so frustrating her manner has been so rude and I’d find it hard to move past that too. 

    Could an evening invite still do the trick? That way it calms her down but you havent totally given in. Then up to him if he wants to attend. 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    As your fiancé has met him, it’s his sister so his meeting that counts, they’ve been together for a year, and you’ve had opportunity to meet him at family events but have been unable to, he would have been invited as a plus 1 if it were me.

     

  • In that situation I would not invite him to the day regardless of his age but would maybe consider inviting him to the evening. We have taken the approach of if they live together, engaged or are in a long term relationship we have invited them as a couple but we have also both met everyone who is coming to our wedding. 

     

    My sister, who is my maid of honour, has got a new boyfriend in the last few months and whilst we have not given her a plus one to the day, we have invited him in the evening. 

     

    Unfortunately it is tough when dealing with family as my fiancé's younger sister has been difficult at times but I haven't taken any nonsense from her and just set her straight that it is our wedding and we don't need the added stress of her spitting her dummy out each time she doesn't like something. 

  • Tough one... I haven't invited anyone's plus ones that I don't know that well/have never met. Saying that, I would argue that siblings are exempt from this... my sister is 18 and has been with her boyfriend for a year and i have said that he can come despite me never have met him. I also think that those in the bridal party should be entitled to a plus one because they are considered 'important.' Or, you could explain that there is no room but he can come to the evening?

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