Advice needed over guestlist woes with FH and Parents

Hi everyone, 

I am new to youandyourwedding and opened my account simply to be able to post this. I am having issues with my Fiance and with my parents over the final guestlist invites to our upcoming wedding early 2019- I know, time is not on our side here.

When we got engaged we decided that we loved the idea of a relatively small wedding approximately 60 people, however our first oversight was committing ourselves initially to a number without considering the people behind the numbers. The problem being I have sizeable number of relatives that I want to attend, which has expanded this number. 

 

Initially my OH was not happy about the increase in numbers, as he really wanted a small wedding ( he has said he would be uncomfortable in a large crowd of people especially of he doesnt know them) and saw that this was becoming too many. As a compromise, I did say to him that I would not invite my cousins who I have been raised with, and he seemed happy however I was not. 

 

My parents obviously wanted to be involved in the planning however this was something that was also an issue, as my mother is very opinionated with an almost polar opposite view to me on most things, so when I told them about the numbers and proposed guests, she was afronted and insisted on input. I agreed, sent her the list of potential guests I had compiled and reminded her that the headcount needed to be no more than 40 people including my 6 very close friends who I would not want to get married without. She was disgusted, and in what seemed like a passive agressive attempt to punish me, took well over a fortnight to give the input that she insisted on being able to give and when she did respond, her list of comprised of 70 people excluding all of my friends. 

Naturally I was frustrated, and spoke with my OH about the dilemma. His opinion was that it is our wedding, that we were paying for it and we have agreed a number and we weren't deviating from this. Needless to say this was the starting point that put me in a very awkward position. 

I explained that some people would need to come off this list, which was met with difficulty and more passive aggressive behaviour. She refused to speak to me for a few weeks. When we eventually spoke again, I agreed to allow her extended family to come ( her aunts and cousins, of whom don't get along with me, nor do they have regular contact with me).

 

I also had the problem of trying to explain to my OH that I really wanted my cousins to be there. He was understandably annoyed but relented and allowed for the changes to happen. 

 

This rambling back story brings me to my recent state of affairs. We were trying to finally write out the invites,  I updated our little guestlist spread to reflect all day attendees, with the intentions of proof reading with OH and writing the invites. He told me not to worry about his and focus on my side, which I thought was a tad dramatic, but I relented. When the all day changes were made he 'proof read' the list and became increasingly worked up and accused me of being underhanded with the changes I had made.  I was shocked at the outburst and the accusation, and needless to say stress got the better of us and voices became raised. It became a very emotional argument, during which he told me that I have not considered his wants and that he has already compromised with the guestlist and that he was not compromising any further, and it all ended with a very dramatic threat that if I didn't strip out all these people there would be no wedding..!

 

I don't know what to do, I feel very much stuck in a scenario wherein I need and want to keep both people happy, but have no ability to do this, and either way someone is

Posts

  • Hi,

    Personally I think you need to tell your mother to but out. Its yours and H2B day, do what makes you BOTH happy. Mother can have her opinion, but she has to respect that the final say is yours & H2B's. 

    Make this clear now, otherwise you're opening yourself up for her demands with other elements of the wedding (menu choices, flowers etc) 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    You don't need to be in this situation, just tell your mum to butt out. It's your wedding, not hers. And your H2B is correct in that his wants need to be counted as well. Can you compromise by having your cousins you do want in the evening?

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride

    Why do you want cousins etc to attend if as you say, you aren't even close?

    As above - tell your mum to butt out, it's not her wedding. Invite the frends and family YOU AND YOUR FIANCE are close to.

    I'm inviting some cousins, not others, and actually am not inviting several of my step and half siblings as I have virtually zero relationship with them. We are only having people we see and/or speak to regularly.

    Can't you invite the rest as evening guests?

  • Who do you have to live with at the end of the day? Your FH. He is more important here than you mum simply because of this but also because you are both paying for it. 

    If your parents had been paying then a bit more compromise would be necessary but this is not the case and you have to make it YOUR wedding not anyone elses. 

  • Sorry MrsCtoBee, I think you misunderstood I meant that I am close with my direct cousins, the cousins I am not close with are my mum's cousins. It's a horrible situation as there is a lot of guilt from my mum as her parents and siblings have passed away, and despite me not getting along with them she is very close to these people. (Apologies of that's what you meant)

    Although the option of an evening do might help, it would be hard to facilitate, as we are getting married an hour away from where we live, and given timings for dinner speeches ect. And  our chosen day of the week, our venue will close up by midnight. 

    I think you are all right, my OH is the most important factor in my life, and we are building a new life together with our marriage.

    I think that because this emotional back and forth has been going on for some time now with my mum that maybe I have just been worn down as there is no one to filter between her wants before they come to me. As amazing as my OH is, it's unfair to make him change his wants to accommodate a situation,  which will only save me a difficult interaction with my mum. 

     

    Thank you all for your input. Now I need to find a way to have a challenging conversation with my mum

  • It’s hard because it sounds like you’ve been conditioned by your mum to try to please her and do things her way. However, the correct response to your daughter/ any other loved one getting married is to be happy for them and to try and support them in having the day that suits them and makes them happy. Your mum is the one in the wrong for making this day about her and her wants. So you need to go into any interaction with her on this from a position of knowing you are not the unreasonable one.

    Speak to your fiancé again, explain to him how your mum makes you feel and how difficult you’re finding it to deal with her about this. Ask for his support on this, remember you’re a team now and need to solve problems together not fight against each other. 

    When you speak to your mum again just say ‘we’ve looked at the guest list again and this is the final list, I’m sorry you’re disappointed but this is what FH and I have decided.’ 

    Then anything else she comes up with don’t get drawn in, just repeat a few stock phrases, ‘that’s what’s happening’ ‘that’s our decision’ ‘it’s a shame you feel that way’ etc. Sounds like your mum will try to ‘punish’ you but that will only work if she gets the reaction she’s looking for. Don’t give it her, she’s in the wrong not you. 

    She can’t have ‘input’ on every decision you make for this wedding and beyond (it’ll be where you’re allowed to live, what you’re allowed to call any children etc next) so she might as well get used to it now. 

    Do some reading about how to set and maintain healthy boundaries with your mum, it will help. 

  • Thank you @CavalierBride , I definitely need to prepare myself ahead of this and you are right, I don't want to have her enforced on either of us throughout the rest of our lives together. 

     

     

    Thank you all again for helping me make sense of the situation and see things more clearly. It Can get quite muddy in the mix of things, and hard to see a solution so I genuinely cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to read all of this and pffer your advice xx

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    Anxiousb2b wrote (see post):

    Sorry MrsCtoBee, I think you misunderstood I meant that I am close with my direct cousins, the cousins I am not close with are my mum's cousins. It's a horrible situation as there is a lot of guilt from my mum as her parents and siblings have passed away, and despite me not getting along with them she is very close to these people. (Apologies of that's what you meant)

    Although the option of an evening do might help, it would be hard to facilitate, as we are getting married an hour away from where we live, and given timings for dinner speeches ect. And  our chosen day of the week, our venue will close up by midnight. 

    I think you are all right, my OH is the most important factor in my life, and we are building a new life together with our marriage.

    I think that because this emotional back and forth has been going on for some time now with my mum that maybe I have just been worn down as there is no one to filter between her wants before they come to me. As amazing as my OH is, it's unfair to make him change his wants to accommodate a situation,  which will only save me a difficult interaction with my mum. 

     

    Thank you all for your input. Now I need to find a way to have a challenging conversation with my mum

    My partner is from a town 75 mins away from my hometown, where we are marrying. We go there for evening events often, and people will be invited to our evening do from there. If people care about you, they will make the effort.

Sign In or Register to comment.