Help don’t know if I will be getting married or breaking up

Hi everyone 
my head is so confused right now, I need some advice! 
My fiancé & myself have been together over 7 years & have a 3 yr old son, got engaged this year to be married next year. He has been working away from home for the past year mainly to save for the wedding.3 weeks ago he come home & said he didn’t want to work away anymore, which I fully supported, it is hard for us. He went on to say he isn’t happy in our relationship & doesn’t love me anymore. This obviously crushed me! He does want to try & make it work & doesn’t want to cancel the wedding right now. 
I totally don’t know what to do, I initially thought it was cuz of him working away, when he’s home (every other weekend) his full attention was on our son, we didn’t go out etc as he didn’t want to lose spending time with him, but we did do things as a family based around our son.
We paid for a conscious weddings e course but he’s put very little effort into it. He had to go back to work again for 2 weeks only 2 days after tearing my life apart, which was hell for me, couldn’t eat, sleep or concentrate on anything! On his next weekend home he came home pretty miserable, We then went away for a night just us & did manage to enjoy ourselves, it was a bit awkward but I’m glad we found out that we can have fun & enjoy each other. But back in the house with our child his full attention is on our son & I am close to ignored, it hurts so bad. He says he doesn’t want to lead me on by hugging etc but I don’t know how we’re supposed to get back on track if he can’t make any effort at home. 
I don’t know how long I can go on like this, I haven’t told my family, he has told his, I don’t want to add stress to them or extra pressure to us. Anytime someone mentions the wedding to me I feel like I’m going to vomit or pass out, I can’t sleep, barely eat, I’m an anxious emotional mess. We have 30 people booked already for the destination wedding, mainly my side, invites are not out yet 10 months to go. I am dreading Christmas & playing happy families. I really want to be with him & cant imagine my life without him, i want to be a proper family married together. 
HELP

Posts

  • I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve not been in this position, but my advice would be postpone the wedding. There are clearly other things you need to work through, and it’s hard to do that when the wedding is adding extra pressure. No one else can really advise on the ins and outs of your relationship or know what’s really going on except you two, but I would take some time to slow down and figure it out. Yes, family have booked to go out but this is reason enough to put it on hold. Good luck and hang on in there. These things suck but usually work out for the best xxx
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride
    I totally recommend this book - it's easy to lose yourselves and your relationship once kids come along x
  • Thanks ladies 
    I don’t know if I can mentally cope with postponing the wedding, I don’t know how long I can live my life not knowing what is going to happen to us, at the same time I understand we need time, the last few weeks have left me a mess 😔 and it is effecting my work, my relationship with our son & my family, to postpone feels like it will last even longer. But obviously we can’t get married like this. 

    thanks for the the book recommendation I’ll suggest it to him later... if he’s open to reading it! 
    Xx
  • I can't imagine how horrible this must be for you. And I totally don't blame you for feeling like you don't want to postpone. But I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who had those feelings. Purely because id be constantly on edge. I really hope you both find a way to work this out. You've both come this far together and I'm sure there's a way to save it. Just remember what you are worth 💜💜💜
  • I feel very bad being the naysayer here, but this isn't really a matter of canceling a wedding or "saving" a relationship: if he doesn't love you, the relationship is over.  If someone doesn't love someone else anymore, there's no "making" that happen again.  A relationship course won't fix that.  A book won't fix that.  A vacation won't fix that.  You can't make someone love you.  
    If he sincerely doesn't love you anymore, you need to re-focus your efforts on your own life and moving on.  I know it's hard (I've been there more times than I want to admit), but you are WORTH IT and the amazing, wonderful, appreciative, sexy man of your dreams is still out there.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride
    edited December 2018
    While I agree with Kitty to an extent, sometimes you can bring your relationship back from the brink. At one point I had post natal depression, my partner was working away in Mexico staying in 5* hotels for weeks on end, I was working full time with a young child, and due to gynae issues our sex life had stopped completely. Oh, and we bought a house in the middle of it all too! We had a very similar conversation about how we didn't know if we loved each other anymore, as resentment and frustration had really built up and at one point I remember barely being able to disguise my hatred for him to be honest!
    But life settled down, we talked very honestly, both made efforts to address issues, including me seeking medical help, he changed jobs so he didn't have to travel so much and things improved gradually over time.

    As Kitty says, if he really doesn't love you any more it's the end of the road, but a really honest conversationand some relationship counselling are probably a good start x

  • Thanks ladies, I do believe working away is a big cause of this & we haven’t been as connected the times he’s home. As we have a son I’m determined to try & make it work. The worst thing is the pressure of the wedding & not knowing how long to give it before making a decision either way but at the same time I don’t want to postpone or cancel it just yet. I don’t think anyone else will book until the invites are out but we obviously won’t send these to we are sure but at the same time people are expecting them & will start asking. Christmas with family home is going to bring wedding talk & inside I’ll want to curl up & cry each time it’s mentioned. My mum is spending her first Christmas without my granny (who I was also very close to) & we have her 1st anniversary just after, so she is upset about that which is one of the reasons why I haven’t told my family. 
    Sorry if I’m blabbering 😔 
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