I could really do with some advice please...

Ok so this is going to be quite long, hopefully it makes sense and I realise only I can make this decision but I’m really hoping for some good advice and thoughts from people I don’t really know to help clear my head. 

In a nut shell, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. This was not planned and a complete shock to myself and fiancé, I’m not maternal in the slightest, have never really wanted children (or am undecided anyway) and to be honest it would mean postponing the Wedding next year (I’m defintely not getting married when pregnant) and it’s not really what I had in mind, at least for the next 5 years anyhow. Reading this you’d probably think easy, the solution would be to not go through with it, but here comes the other side. 

I’ll be 34 by the time I’m due, so I’m no spring chicken in terms of being pregnant, although my other half is 6 years younger than I am. I was also told at 21 I wouldn’t be able to have children, although I fell pregnant again a few years ago and decided not to go through with it. It was the most horrendous experience for me physically (not emotionally) and I don’t know if I can put my body through the stress of all that again, I always said if I fell pregnant again i’d keep it, but the reality is very different. The thought of being pregnant makes me feel a bit ill and the thought of giving birth absolutely terrifies me. I have a lot of problems with my stomach so I know I’m going to be very ill and don’t know how i’ll cope with the giving birth side of things. So I’m in a catch 22 situation, this isn’t what I want, and my fiancé would rather not have a child now too, but my age, and the fact that this could ruin my chances in the future are a massive factor. I really don’t know what to do, I burst into tears when I found out (and not because I was happy, I’m not going to lie, I was devestated. I know there are people who try for years, and trust me I was told I was one of them who would never be able to have children so please don’t think I’m being insensitive to those on here who are still trying, I’m just in shock, confused and really don’t know what to do.

If anyone has any advice I’d be really grateful to hear from you, I really hope I don’t offend anyone with this post as it’s really not my intention.

Thanks in advance.

Jx

Posts

  • As you said at the beginning of your post, no one can make this decision for you, however I will try and offer my bit of advice if it helps? I found out I was pregnant at age 24, when the father and I had already split up. He didn't want marriage and children, but an overwhelming part of me decided to go ahead anyway, knowing I'd be a single parent. I do not do pain at all and was shit scared of giving birth, but once it is happening, you just get on with it (you don't have a choice lol). I would never be without my daughter (she is 16 now) but then I was the maternal type. 

    Fast forward to now, I am 41. I am getting married to my life long crush I had at age 15. He doesn't have children and we would have like a child together. Unfortunately, I had blood clots in my lungs 2 years ago, so that coupled with my age, means it's risky. I have also just started teacher training, so at the beginning of a good career.

    The reason for telling you my side is to say that sometimes things happen that are not planned, and sometimes not even wanted, but perhaps they can be the best things in the end. It is totally yours and the OH's decision and I am sure you will both do what is right for you xxx
  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride
    Thanks so much for replying, not going to lie it made me cry haha. I’m just relieved not to be judged. 

    That’s another thing, I’m self employed and started a new business 3 years ago which is going very well. It would mean i’d have to cut down massively on work and wouldn’t be earning much at all and I absolutely love my job. My fiancé has a good job but he works away a lot of the time and that’s probably not going to change so i’d have to rely heavily on my mum who is quite ill. 

    What you’ve said makes complete sense though, I know whatever we decide will be the right thing, I just don’t know what that is yet :(

    Jx
  • I guessing that you have found out recently, so you can't be expected to make a decision that quickly. Just remember that you should never be judged for making decisions about your own life xx Hope you can enjoy Christmas and you can always have a rant to me xxxx
  • Ambam19Ambam19 Posts: 586 New bride
    Sending you a big hug. 

    If I was to get pregnant right now at 32 and our wedding 6 months away I wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I/we don't want a baby right now although we could afford it and have a good life. We just don't want our lives to change right now.

    Only you can make the decision x
  • Only you can make that decision of course. This forum is def a good place to get ideas and perspectives though.

    I'm 40. I can't have children. I had a medical problem that eventually made it so those organs had to be removed, so we're talking complete and total non-option for motherhood, ever.  I really had not wanted children when I was younger. I too had health problems (obviously) that I knew would make a pregnancy wicked to go through, plus I was always extremely driven with work and wanted to put my career first.  Lactating and stinky nappies weren't my scene as much as nice cars and high-end make-up! You get the picture.

    Fast-forward to now and I would reconsider my approach. If, by some chance, I had fallen pregnant, I would have cringed massively at the time, but by now, I would be a mum and I know I would be a better one than I would had credited myself with.  You will find LOADS of ladies on this forum (and of course IRL) that had unplanned pregnancies that didn't want the pain, didn't want the inconvenience, doubted the whole mum-lifestyle was right for them too - but who now couldn't imagine life w/o their child.  

    If your health and/or age could compromise your ability to get pregnant in the future, I would seriously consider keeping this baby.  The doctors can help with the pregnancy symptoms part, and my sister who has 2 says she felt pretty much nearly nothing in labour thanks to meds, so please don't be afraid of sickness and pain, those can be managed.  What can't be managed is making a pregnancy happen for a body that just can't handle it (like mine).  And the mental pain of knowing I will never, ever be greeted and hugged by a child of my own gets pretty bad some days.  I do not look forward to getting old, that's for certain, and having no family left.  I have to leave it at that, or I'm going to cry at my desk.

    It's a tough choice.  Take your time, think on it, pray on it.  Maybe get an outside opinion. Wishing you peace in whatever you decide to do.
  • I agree with all the other comments to be honest, it's your decision and whatever you decide is absolutely fine. The idea of getting pregnant right now for me is 100% terrifying and I would get an abortion asap but I do want children in the future (I think). I wouldn't let your age or medical concerns stop you. I had a huge 25cm dermoid cyst surgically removed from my ovaries which means I don't have full ovaries anymore and therefore may struggle getting pregnant so I would feel the same as you in this scenario. I think you need to have a serious think about what you want now, you can always try for a baby after your wedding and if you don't fall pregnant again there is always adoption or IVF etc. Either way, take your time, think about what you really want and go with your gut :) 
  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride
    I just wanted to thank everyone for being so kind and giving me some advice, it really did help listening to what you had to say as talking about it with my fiancé over and over again became a bit overwhelming. I’ve had a few days to think about it now so everything is a bit clearer.

    Jx
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