Wedding called off and we've broken up

aliastargazeraliastargazer Posts: 2 New bride
edited December 2018 in Emotional support
My fiancé and I have been together for just under 7 years. We got engaged a year and 8 months ago and starting saving for and planning for our wedding. We had paid for the venue deposit and I had bought my dress in full...

Fast forward to the beginning of this year - he has been lying about so many things. Casual drug use, sneaking around and smoking, hiding things, taking some money from the wedding account without telling me, over-charging me on the rent when I trust that he will be fair. We were due to be married in 6 months and its now been called off and I feel so embarrassed and hurt. He has some demons from childhood that he hasn't gotten over and it all appears to be coming out now. There were little silly signs I ignored before (telling me he fully owns the apartment- he part owns it; telling me he is taller than he is - we met online, etc), but I put those things down to male ego and wanting to impress. We had a great relationship before this- small niggles, but no deal breakers. 

When the wedding was called off 6 months ago, he told me he'd go to individual counselling and asked if I would come with him to couples counselling - I agreed. He went to 3 individual sessions, then stopped going. He didn't communicate this with me - it was like he knew the right thing to say, but couldn't follow through. When I asked him about it and said I think it could help him, he said he'd go every other week- he just didn't go back. Low and behold, just when other things in the relationship felt like they were getting better, the lie/omission about the wedding money came to the fore with me asking more questions and him saying 'so what if I have spent it, it's my money!'. He had 3 opportunities to tell me the truth, but instead he asked me for more money saying the money was running out - it was not. We had previously agreed to use this money for the counselling instead of the wedding to get us back on track and no other agreement was made.

He says all the right things and says I am being impatient by not standing by him as he has been this way for 30+ years and won't change over night- I know change is not easy, but since his first lying was almost 12 months ago, there appears to be no change - but a lot of hurt. He doesn't give me the opportunity to be honest- he just keeps things to himself. A family member said they don't know if he is flawed or if I have extremely high (too high) standards- I think this is a stupid thing to say because in my opinion relationships are based on trust, honesty and communication and we have none of those things. He doesn't trust me and I now do not trust him. Whilst before I would just take him at his word, I now second-guess and want to check things for myself. I feel like some people think I'm overreacting because he hasn't cheated or hit me - but why the bar is so low I don't know - I haven't had many relationships, but I don't feel that putting up with the lying and continuing to hurt myself in the process is okay. Every time we push on and things feel like they're getting better and that maybe we can re-announce a wedding date- yet, when things get to the crunch and he is presented with a situation that demands his honesty and transparency - he lies.

There is a culture of lying in his family or putting up with things and either not discussing it properly, or just moving on. He has some real issues from his past that he has not dealt with and I am getting the toxic effects of them because he just wants to blame everyone else and not take responsibility for himself. We are in our 30s and I'm devastated as my dream for us has been burst. I felt that the counselling was helping, but he won't do the work outside of the relationship and only tells me 'he is learning!!' and I must be patient and I feel like he's saying I should basically suck it up while he hurts me and he gets his s**t together. He has an issue letting people in, and I feel that he doesn't trust me to tell me the truth and I now do not trust him -before I had every confidence in him and it was the thing that I fell in love with him about...

I am now moving out, but I feel so heartbroken- he says he doesn't want to break up, but he comes across as defeated, but the words and actions are so contradictory. He asks me what he can do to fix things, but I've told him so many times and he just does whatever he feels at the time against all advice. I believe that he is a good guy (I know it doesn't read as such) - its like he just doesn't 'get it' though... but he has crossed my dealbreakers one too many times. This is such a rubbish time of year for this to happen... Sorry for the rant - I'm so overwhelmed right now...any feedback would be useful :(

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  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 933 New bride
    Sorry you are going through this. I think you've had a lucky escape. You can't go into a marriage if you can't trust the person. It sounds like you gave him more than enough chances. It may feel like your world has ended now, and you're allowed to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had. It may take time to heal as seven years is a long time, but I think you will come out stronger.

    Just some advice: no contact with him. Delete his number and block him on social media. It seems harsh but it helps so much. If he tries to contact you, kindly explain that it's for the best not to talk for a while. It really helps to get total separation.

    Please keep posting if you need to.  All the best and merry Christmas x
  • I am so sorry that you are going through this. My situation was a little similar, in that my partner broke my trust dramatically (I won't go into the details). It is really hard to trust again when someone has lied and not communicated with you. Luckily for us, we have managed to get through it, though there was a time that I believed this would never happen. 

    I agree with OmRum, the only way to heal is to break all kinds of contact with him. You will just hurt yourself more and more if you try to "stay friends". Feel free to rant away and sending you a big hug xxxx
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I know exactly how hard it is because I've been there.  The mistake I made was pushing ahead with marrying despite soooo many warning signs, only to be divorced less than 2 years later. That was my second husband and I put up with horrific things because I did not want to get divorced "again."  You may be experiencing heartbreak now, but it would be so much worse if you had married and spent more of your life trapped in a web of lies and deceit.  
    I am sure you already know all of this, but it doesn't hurt to hear it again:
    YOU are important. YOUR needs matter.  YOU deserve an honest, trustworthy partner. YOU are worthy of love and all good things.  You do NOT need to settle.  And lastly, YOU can't make people change, you can only be in charge of yourself and your own destiny.
    There are so many of us that had relationships like yours prior to getting where we are now.  There's a darkness before the light, but you will get to that better place.  Take care of you in the meanwhile and nurture your own soul; good things attract other good things and you will be alright. xx
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