Bridesmaid desperate for advice

bridesmaid5bridesmaid5 Posts: 2 New bride
edited 8 January in Emotional support
Hi all, please be kind im in a really difficult situation. I recently found out that my friends fiancé has been having a “affair” with another woman that was going on for months. I found out from my husband who is best mates with my friends fiancé. He’s known for a while and it’s been eating him up. He was sworn to secrecy and now feels extremely guilty for breaking trust with the fiancé. I am also friends with the fiancé. Apparantly now it’s all over and my husband says I should just forget about it. I feel deeply uncomfortable and really can’t look my friend in the eye knowing this. I have no idea what to do. Telling her would cause serious trouble and hurt her badly but one part of me thinks she deserves to decide herself what she wants to do. Her fiancé will not tell her and says he wants to forget it. I feel so stuck. It’s causing problems in my own marriage now as well. 

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  • Williams2BWilliams2B Posts: 52 New bride
    Hey, thought id comment on here, im usually a read and skip sorta person. BUT the thing happened to my mum when she was in her 20s. Same sorta situation as you, but she told her best friend at the time about her husbands affair, unfortunately for me her friend didnt believe it,  or didn't want too i dunno, carried her marriage on for a further 15years. Grew apart from mum in this time, god knows why. To later in life her husband leaving her for another women all along. Sometimes its not worth it, best to sit back and let them get on with it. Xx
  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 861 New bride
    Wow, this is a tough situation.  You're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't.  If you do say something, like Williams2B says, the bride might not believe you.  She might get angry at you, and accuse you of being jealous of her or accuse you of any number of things.  If you don't say something, and she finds out later, she will almost undoubtedly come back to you and your partner and demand to know why you didn't tell her - and then she may be mad at you for not having spoken up.  It's almost like you can't win.

    If it's bothering your conscience badly enough, what if BOTH of you approached her together?  Sort of a safety in numbers kind of approach.  It would be harder for her to take the information being presented less-than-seriously if two people told her, right?  

    It's a difficult situation, and unfortunately, this man's bad behaviour is not only going to ruin his relationship with the bride, but may ruin both pairs of friendships.  

    Only you know your friend, and only you know your own heart.  Whether you decide to say something or keep mum, only you know what's best to do. :/ :(
  • There is no easy way in this at all. 

    Have you thought about the possibility she might actually already know? It may be that she is aware, even if the fiance isn't aware she knows, and she has decided to work through it herself. 

    Potentially unlikely, but it brings a different dimension to it. Quite often the negative reactions from scenarios like this is the embarrassment that other people know, it makes it harder to gloss over or avoid, unless they deny and stop talking to you as mentioned above. 

    I think only you know what is best, but at the root of it i would be concerned for my friend to marry someone who doesn't think it's something HE should be confessing to her. If it isn't eating away at him the way it is you and your husband, i think he has even more questionable morals than just being a cheat. 
  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 901 New bride
    It's an impossible situation and I really feel for you and your husband. I was cheated on a lot in the past by my ex husband and one of the hardest things I had to deal with was the knowledge that a lot of our friends knew, and some of them even covered for him when he was out with her, and no one told me. That was almost as painful as his betrayal.

    I would ask yourself honestly how would you feel if the situations were reversed? If your husband was cheating on you and your friends knew and didnt tell you, would you thank them for being secretive or would you be upset that they kept it from you? I know how I'd feel. 

    If you do decide to tell her, be prepared to damage your friendship, perhaps even irreparably, and for her to be very very upset. It'll be an incredibly difficult thing to do but I can't tell you how much I wish one of my "friends" had told me. I had always suspected something was going on but was made to feel like an idiot by him and our friends for raising my concerns. Turns out they were justified.

    Only you can decide what the right thing to do it and because I'm biased I would suggest telling her. Good luck with whatever you decide. 
  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 861 New bride
    @Rach371 raises a good point: If it were you, would you want to know?  I know I would.  But do you think your friend would want to know? Whilst that seems like a rhetorical question, it's not.  There are actually plenty of people (men and women) who are aware or vaguely aware that their partners are not faithful and are okay to be in those relationships, typically "as long as it's discrete."  They stay for a variety of reasons. 
  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 901 New bride
    @KittyFiennes I completely agree. I guess if I were in OPs shoes I would say something. It the bride is happy to stay in her relationship whilst being aware of his infidelities then telling her won't change that. Alternatively if she's not aware she does have a right to know. It's a tricky one, whatever happens you're going to hurt someone. 
  • Rach371Rach371 Posts: 901 New bride
    I'm glad to help in a small way. Whatever you decide I'm sure you'll do the right thing, I wish I'd had a friend as thoughtful as you when I was in that position. Good luck X 
  • CheeseBrideCheeseBride Posts: 3 New bride
    edited 10 January

    I know you are in a really tricky situation but ask yourself what you’d expect of your friend if the tables were turned. She might not want to hear it but sooner or later these things always come out, and I’d say it’s likely he’ll cheat again. You could potentially save her a lot of heartache if you tell her. If you know her partner perhaps pressure him into coming clean, An admission from the culprit would be easier than you having to tell her, but whatever happens I think she has a right to know. 
  • This is a horrible situation to be in and you'll get no thanks for telling her, unless it ends the relationship.  If they decide to work through it, you will be the one removed from the situation and the boyfriend wont want to be around you.

    I was in a similar situation a few years ago.  On a girls weekend, one of my friends cheated on her husband (they have a little girl together too), on the first night with 2 guys (but then there was a potential third guy earlier in the night that I didn't know about - and I'm talking about sex with all of them) and then on the second night she was off kissing some other guy.  I told her straight that she was in the wrong and she shown no remorse and said that it's because she's a sex addict.  By the end of the weekend, I told her that she had to tell him or I would tell him.  She didn't tell him, so my boyfriend asked him to come round as we needed to speak to him (this is a couple that I actually met through my OH and became close friends with).  We told the husband that she cheated and ultimately they decided to work things out and as a couple we were shunted out of the friends group as if they were going to be somewhere, we wouldn't get invited along.  It was a horrible situation, it completely broke the friendship between me and girl, but I was find with that as I was disgusted with what she had done and it seemed that it wasn't the first time.  The couple are no longer together and are now (as it seems) in must better relationships.  I occasionally she the girl and we are now friendly, but not friends.  

    I've said since then that I wouldn't get involved in a situation like this, but maybe I would as it's not about me, it's about the couple.  My best friend has always said that if her husband cheated, she would want to know, regardless of the circumstances and without a doubt.  I'm a realist in that I don't believe anyone is perfect and sometimes people make mistakes.  I think if true remorse is shown and someone learns from their actions then people can move forward.  

    The best advice I can give is to speak to her boyfriend, if he acts like a total jerk about it, your answer is clear - tell her.  If she's truly sorry for what he's done, you still have to decide what to do.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 1,866 New bride

    I think unless you know for sure she would want to know, keep quiet. I've seen this happen a few times and it's usually the messenger who gets shot.

     A lot more people have open marriages or are tolerant of cheating than you might think. My mum has a couple she is friends with who look like the most boring people ever but are naturists and swingers - which obviously they keep very quiet, so most people don't know.

    My best friend's husband would have been divorced by me 10 times over by now, but she's attached to the lifestyle she has by being with him, and that's her choice.


  • Now, its over and you cannot do anything. So, you should forget everything as your husband told you and try to think before giving suggestions next time.
  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 190 New bride
    I would want to know something like that BEFORE I got married. I absolutely think you should tell her, I would be devastated if I got married to someone I had found out had cheated on me. Over or not, I would want to know this information before hand so I could then decide what I wanted to do going forward. If she then decides she can forgive him, then good for her, but you can’t let her start something as serious as this based on a lie. If it were the other way round would you want to know?

    I see a lot of ladies wanting to turn the other way because it’s a horrible/difficult situation to be in, but what if that was your fiancé on his stag do? Just because it’s over in one night would you want your friends to not tell you because it was just one night? This is far worse in my opinion and not something you can really bury your head in the sand about and ignore. 

    Of course it’s up to you, no one can tell you what to do, but telling her is the right thing. Rather a horrible situation now than a divorce a few months later. I feel quite strongly about this is you couldn’t tell 😊

    Jx

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 812 New bride
    Such a tricky one. Personally, I would want to know, and would definitely take a good friend’s concerns seriously as I know my best friends have my best interest. This might be a crazy suggestion, but could you speak to the fiancé maybe? I understand that you don’t want to land your husband in it, but honestly, he’s not the one who’s done wrong, the friend’s fiancé is. Maybe letting him know that you know about it and saying you think your friend should know about it might prompt him to tell her himself? 
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