Newly engaged... excitement already gone...is this normal???

Hello! So my first post on here,
I got engaged in October 2018, so it's all still quite new to us, but we recently started to get ideas together on what we wanted on our wedding day
We've visited a few fayres and had a lot of (unwanted) advice and suggestions off family.
We've been having issues deciding what we want, what style of venue, what time of year etc. And I just cant seem to pick anything, I get an idea in my head but then will quickly change my mind.

But suddenly, last night, I realised that I quite literally cant even imagine our wedding day. Nothing. I can't imagine who will be there, the style, nothing...not even him.
Is this a bad sign?? I feel sick to my stomach in case this is a sign that I dont actually want to marry him. Im a naturally anxious person and dont like risks, im quite a closed book and in the past have been known to end relationships (romantic or otherwises) purely for fear of being hurt.
Amy

Posts

  • RoseyGoldRoseyGold Posts: 149 New bride
    Have you got a venue?
    I had absolutely no idea what I wanted, but when we found a venue we loved and looked at what other had done there we got some ideas and it all grew from there.
    We don't a a theme we just want it to be fun. 
    Don't try to make yourself define your wedding. It'll all just start to click into place. 
  • RoseyGold said:
    Have you got a venue?
    I had absolutely no idea what I wanted, but when we found a venue we loved and looked at what other had done there we got some ideas and it all grew from there.
    We don't a a theme we just want it to be fun. 
    Don't try to make yourself define your wedding. It'll all just start to click into place. 
    No, no venue yet. Nothing has seemed "right".
    Im genuinely hoping its just a pressure. We have had a few weddings in our families recently and all of a sudden everyone seems to be an expert on what we want.
    I struggle getting told what to do - im open minded but i like to come to judgement and reason on my own, i dont like people telling me i should or shouldnt do something because they did/didnt do it on their big day.
    Im feeling really overwhelmed and its making me question everything
    Amy
  • Firstly congratulations!! Secondly, everyone will have an opinion on everything from now on, but the best thing you can do is recite "thats great i'll keep in in mind thank you" and then proceed to do whatever the hell you want anyway. 

    Take some deep breaths, and take some time. You dont need to plan it all right away, and you have as long as you want to figure out how you want things, but please please take some of that pressure off yourself. 

    Its totally normal to not be able to picture it, ive been engaged for nearly 8 months and still struggle sometimes! It does all have a way of piecing itself together though over time. Ive used pinterest as a way to get some ideas, even at the most basic level, and then as you revisit it over the planning process you naturally weed out what youve change your mind on and move towards the things you prefer. 

    I think the most important thing is to just chill, its a day, and a great party, and a good celebration of you two as a couple, and thats it. You do not have to do anything you dont want to, and you do not have to follow other peoples ideas and opinions on whats important. When youre ready, decide what feels most important to you both and go from there! 

    You've got this <3 
  • I agree with CoffeedogAddict! Everyone will have an opinion and yes it can get very annoying!!

    As an anxious person myself, everything seemed very overwhelming at first and that sends my emotions into overdrive - try and break everything up into manageable pieces. Start with finding a venue.  Once you have that, the rest follows, trust me! I found the fayres ridiculously pushy and I came out of them feeling more unsure of even wanting a wedding than wanting one! 

    Failing that, if everything becomes too much then just elope and get married  ;)
  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 367 New bride
    Congratulations on your engagement!

    I agree with everything everyone has said but would like to add: try focusing on the marriage and not the wedding. Becoming engaged isn't about organising a massive, super-stressful party, it's about spending the rest of your life together. It doesn't matter if you can't imagine the wedding - can you imagine being married to him in both the near and distant future? That's the important bit. Remind yourself of that whenever it feels stressful.

    It doesn't matter if you don't have a vision - all the better, I say! I would start by writing a list of all the people you want to be there and then work out your budget. Every other decision you make should always go back to if you can afford it and if it affects the people you want being there. Then perhaps think of what you both want from the day (you being you and your partner, not family expectations!). Instead of trying to picture the wedding in detail, maybe think what "feel" you want to go for. Intimate and romantic? Massive party? Classic reception? Perhaps think back to weddings you have been to and pick out the parts you enjoyed and the most memorable aspects.

    Hopefully the jigsaw pieces will being to fall into place from there.
  • Agreeing with OmRum.  Getting married (even being engaged) isn't about having a big bash.  So long as you CAN see yourself with this person for years and years to come, through any tough times that arise, then getting married is the right thing to do.  Being married has nothing to do actually with having a wedding.  People that elope are still married, they just skipped the expensive party.  And their marriages aren't better or worse for it.

    I would suggest just enjoying being engaged.  Once you really delve into planning, the real stress begins.  For people who pry, just tell them "We're just enjoying being engaged right now" and don't expand upon that.  You can still poke around online, in magazines, etc., to start to contemplate different ideas that appeal to you, but you are (or should be) under no pressure to start making firm plans until you feel like doing so.  And the more time you allow yourself, the more ideas you'll encounter, the less risk of making your wedding cookie-cutter/ someone-else's-ideas.  I was engaged for over 4 years the first time and that was perfectly fine. 

    Just take your time.  When you do come across ideas you like, you will be excited.  It's impossible to feel excited when you're stressing yourself or when every idea presented is someone else's.  
  • So I have been engaged 3 times, married once and this is now my second trip down the aisle. 

    Firstly I get scared when I realise my partner is forever every time we have a disagreement and I question myself. I think this is more than just jitters and stress I think you have maybe a lack of trust in yourself for making the right decision. This is certainly the reason for most jitters deep down. Nobody can tell you that you are making the right decision, the way I tell whether I am excited to get married for the right reasons is to ask myself if I am excited for the wedding itself or marrying a man I love who is devoted to me. Its certainly the latter, 

    It could be that the pool of wedding decisions is so deep the anxiety to pick the right thing is getting you down which is another reason you might be missing out on excitement. Its a good sign if this is the case as it means you only plan on doing this once and therefore you are marrying the right man. 

    My advice to anyone with jitters is that some marriages work and some do not but after coming through a divorce and meeting another man who I want to marry means if God forbid you do the wrong thing it will not ruin your life. 

    Sorry to all you brides hoping never to come across the D word, I promise I am not looking at this negatively but simply trying to say 'whats the worst that can happen?' 

    Make two lists, one being all the reasons you love your partner and the other being all the things you think are holding you back in your wedding decisions. I started getting super excited when my vision came to life. Its now all little pieces of a jigsaw I need to put together next year but still little pieces of excitement with each. 

    Go dress shopping loosely, that could help you decide how formal the day will be or what style. Ie if you go for a ballgown its super formal vs something more boho chic which suggests a tipi reception. 


  • Firstly, thank you to everyone who gave me the advice and ultimately made me feel as though these feelings are normal
    After sitting down, alone and quietly, i decided to listen to a song i would like to walk down the aisle to, i shut my eyes and as if by magic, there he was, my HTB, all suited and booted.
    I wont lie, i cried alot and came to the conclusion that actually I dont care where we get married or how we do it, just as long as its him stood with me when we say "I do!"

    Thank you again all!!
    Amy
  • Sounds like you’ve resolved it for yourself, what a good idea to listen to the song! 

    I get a bit overwhelmed and stressed too, and couldn’t really picture the day except I knew I wanted it to be focused on having a lovely party with our nearest and dearest, not too stuffy and for our dog to be included. I’m still not sure we’ve made the right decision with the date, venue etc because there will always be other ways of doing things and other options that I’m sure would have been great too, but the choices we’ve made so far have been based around what we think will work best and what we can afford to spend - if we missed out on something that might have been somehow ‘better’ then it doesn’t really matter because we’ll never really know will we? That’s what I tell myself when I get decision anxiety anyway. 

    It helps me to remember that ultimately all  we need is the registrar, an approved premises and my other half plus two witnesses. That’s all we actually have to have to get us married which is all everything else is just the nice, pretty fun stuff that we can include or not but it won’t make us any more or less married. Focus on that feeling you had picturing your OH at the end of the aisle, the rest is just noise. 
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