Bridesmaid Disappointment
BCG12345
Posts: 2 
Hi everyone,
I was just looking for your take and advice on this please.
One of my bridesmaids is going through a bit of a transition in life, she moved home from New York when her relationship broke down.
She has been living with her parents and working various contracts over the last couple of years. Each time we meet up she has a different plan; to settle in the UK and buy a home, to go travel, to go work abroad etc.
The latest plan is to spend a number of weeks in Asia, a timeline that overlaps with my hen. When I said to her ‘so you are missing my hen?’ she said she has to make her own plans in life and the timing is unfortunate and will let me know if her plans change… no apology nothing. I just feel like she isn’t really making an effort to go to the hen and travel.
Naturally I am pretty upset about this. I (consider myself) to be very relaxed and not a demanding bride. My hen is in the city where we live, I am paying for everything myself, I have paid for all the bridesmaids dresses, bags, hair, makeup , gifts and accommodation for the wedding. My bridesmaids wont be out of pocket apart from our one night out for the hen and whatever drinks they have at the wedding (in addition to the wine and champagne provided)
I just feel like she is deliberately either a; trying to get out of being a bridesmaid for a reason I don’t know or b; trying to make it about her. I wanted to treat my bridesmaids to dinner in a few weeks too but she said she is planning a weekend away and it will probably be that weekend (after saying she was free that weekend and I booked on that basis)
Am I being unreasonable?
Posts
That being said its obviously upsetting, and i think its worth maybe asking her how she feels about it, and maybe putting it to her in a way that explains while you don't expect her to do anything in particular for the wedding, you do feel a bit let down as a friend that she isn't supporting you and sharing the experience with you as you had hoped.
It sounds like shes had a rough few years to be honest, and it might be that shes struggling to deal with the change, her life is probably not on the trajectory she had thought and it might be hard for her to see others still living their lives and being happy. It doesn't mean she doesn't love and care for you, but we all handle these things in different ways so hers sounds a little like she is trying to escape the reality of it. Lets face it we all feel like life's good when were on holiday!
I'm sorry you're going through this, but whatever decide remember you have other friends who do love and support you, and you're going to be marrying your best friend, someone who will always have your back.
I hope it works out
I had a similar issue with a bridesmaid, though on a much lesser scale. She broke up with her long term boyfriend just a couple of months before the wedding, and I noticed she did clearly take a step back from me and several of the events she had already said she would attend which were wedding-related. Yes, it bothered me and made me sad, because she's my best friend and having her around is so much fun. But from her point of view she had just had a terrible break up with the man she still loved but couldn't be with, so how could I expect her to throw herself wholeheartedly into the celebration of my love for my husband? She had been hoping to marry this man, and within weeks of breaking up with him she was expected to flutter around a blushing bride being all supportive and gooey when she probably just wanted to climb under her duvet with ice cream and not think about marriage at all. She also ran away to New York (albeit only for a week) on the weekend of one of my hen events.
So she was very flaky and cancelled on a lot of my pre-wedding bits. However, on the day she was the best of the best and I hope she had a lovely time, despite everything.
Maybe your bridesmaid is deliberately stepping away from the wedding because she can't deal with it right now? Perhaps make some time for her and don't talk about wedding stuff?
Put yourself in her shoes. She’s just had an awful breakup and life shift, maybe being at your hen do and wedding could be really tough for her. If I were her, I would probably be upset that the first thing you said when she told you was “so you’ll miss my hen?”. Look outside of your own bubble and try and really support her. Our weddings and hens can really take over our lives and are really important to us, but people have their lives to get on with. I would her go and be as supportive as you can.
https://forum.youandyourwedding.co.uk/your-wedding-reports/463570-our-sussex-barn-wedding-july-18-the-report-p1.html