Sour grapes or an over reaction

So I need some advice, I have an issue with my future sister in law,

To give you some background my OH made a decision that he didn't want family in his grooms party, his brother had recently got married and OH was best man but explained the situation to his brother and he seemed to accept it. I similarly decided I didn't want future SIL as a bridesmaid even though she had asked me to be one at her wedding. It turned into a massive issue to her and she was very vocal in her upset about this, bad mouthing me to other friends and being very rude to my bridesmaid, we talked about it and I had hoped this would be the end of it, we asked for their two children to be flower girl and page boy, my OH asked his brother to do a reading and I was going to ask her to be involved in the ceremony in some respect.

We have been planning our wedding for nearly 2 year and she hasn't once asked about wedding planning, I appreciate not everyone loves talking about weddings but her friend is getting married soon and she talks about her planning all the time so its not that. I have asked for the little ones to try on the outfits and she says oh they wont do it I'm sure it will be fine, I've just let it slide but recently I said, I need the flower girl to come to the hotel prior to the wedding for photos etc, and she said she wont come, she has to be with one of us all the time, I don't want to upset her, Now am I being unreasonable here, I am an active part of the little ones life, she knows who I am and she wont be the only child there as I have my brother and sisters children, whom she has met and got on with prior.

The mum said she will get her ready at my in laws house and bring her to the church so I wont see my flower girl in the outfit I have chosen and paid for - I had a lovely idea of getting photos of her with all the big bridesmaids, I had ordered a dressing gown for her with her name on and wanted her to feel like a princess - she's not shy at all and her parents have left me and OH with her to babysit on many occasions and she has never had an issue. To be clear she's nearly 4 years old & goes to nursery 3 days a week and has done for well over 2 years

Am I being unreasonable, she's not going to be on her own, there are lots of adults who are used to little ones, my family are made up of teachers and a paediatric nurse - its not like none of us have experience with little ones.

I feel like the mum wants me to say she can come to the hotel but this just isn't what I want - she's hard work, she never has anything positive to say and its just not what I want on my wedding morning  I'm just at a loss of how to handle the situation - My OH thinks its just her and that she just wants to put a spanner in the works and make it about her because of the bridesmaid issue - he has said he will say to his brother if this cant happen maybe she shouldn't be a flower girl but I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice.

Posts

  • It sounds like she may just be being hard work, but unfortunately in this situation i dont think there's any way around it really. As a parent she has every right to decide where her daughter is and whether she is not with a parent. Regardless of your view on it (which for the record i don't disagree with - sounds like the kid would be fine) there really is no way you can make her change her mind. 

    Maybe its worth speaking with your partners brother and see if he can have a word or do anything, but she holds the power on this one. 

    Its a shame, because shes letting her daughter down really. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    You are probably right, it's sour grapes and she would be fine, but it's ultimately up to her mum so if she says no, that's that. My flower girls are getting ready at home with their mum and dad (my brother and SIL) then meeting me at the venue as I have a tiny house. I've still bought them mini bridesmaid nighties to wear in the morning so they feel included. If the mum is insistent then just present the flower girl with the dressing gown etc before the wedding, it's the best you can do.
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