Am I being ridiculous?

So I’m worried I’m just being ridiculous, but I also feel incredibly angry and upset at one of my best friends, and really just want to get some outside perspective!

Essentially a year and a half ago my beautiful fiancée proposed to me – it was perfect! We set the date almost immediately for May this year and asked my 3 closest friends to be my bridesmaids. All fine. A few months later, one of those bridesmaids, let’s call her ‘P’ proposes to her then boyfriend. Also not a problem of course, really happy for her.

P and her fiancé decide they want a quick wedding, and book it for the first weekend of June, this year… and then didn’t invite me, my partner, or our other 2 closest friends. P justified it by saying that it was a small wedding, just for family, no bridesmaids etc. And at the time we all understood, absolutely fair enough. We still threw her a little hen party afternoon tea, clubbed together to buy her a wedding present, and wished her well.

The problems began when the photos from her wedding appeared. Turned out she did have bridesmaids, and had invited other friends from university – just not us. We tried not to take it personally, but the 3 of us felt quite hurt that we hadn’t at least been invited to the ceremony given that it was clearly not the ‘family only’ wedding she had sold to us.

We didn’t confront her, decided to ignore it. Especially because my wedding was next and I was starting to ramp up the planning.

However, that’s when it’s gotten weird. P suddenly announced that because she didn’t get to have her dream wedding last year (even though she decided she wanted a small one), she wants to throw a proper wedding reception this year, on their first anniversary.

The problem is…. That’s a week after my wedding!!!!!

At that point I did say something, as my partner and I will be on our honeymoon that weekend. She then got quite cross and said that since the hotel wasn’t booked yet, we should change our flights. I refused, as the honeymoon is a present from my dad, we want to go on it straight away – and besides, we picked our date first.. even if she got married first. She eventually moved it to the weekend we get back from our honeymoon.. but wasn’t happy about it.

Then this weekend we all met up to buy my wedding make up together as a fun day out. It’s the first proper bridesmaid thing I’ve asked them all to do and was really excited. P immediately made it all about her and was talking about the ‘stress’ of planning her wedding considering it was ‘only 3 months away!’ while I was sitting there awkwardly thinking, ‘yes, and mine is 2!’.

She then made it worse by saying that she wanted us to be bridesmaids, but couldn’t afford to buy our dresses, so gave us a colour scheme and told us to pick something. Annoying because all my money is going on my wedding, I wasn’t really intending on having to buy a new dress. Especially as there won’t be a ceremony to speak of, just a party… so I can’t think why she needs us all in matching dresses.

But then she really bugged me by saying that we can get her either a gift, or bring food to the event.

Ummm… as I recall, we got her a beautiful gift last year when she actually got married, for a wedding we weren’t even invited to!

I really worry I’m being a complete spoiled child because I’m not having the attention on me – but it’s more than that. I feel she has no regard for my day at all – and it’s just making me a little upset that someone who I thought was a really good friend just doesn’t seem to care! Am I being unreasonable?

Posts

  • Taking away the fact she had a "small" wedding that you weren't included in, and the fact your wedding is 2 months away, shes STILL being a total cow bag. 

    When you add those other factors in, i'm personally not sure id even bother with her in my life. she sounds self absorbed and a bit of a brat. 

    Fair enough if she didn't get her dream day, that was due to her choice and circumstance at the time and as we don't know we cant really comment, BUT the fact shes decided to throw the party she wanted shouldn't take away from yours at all. None of her circumstances are your fault after all. 

    I'd tell her that you really appreciate the offer to be included but as you have your own wedding to fund and focus on, you aren't able to buy a bridesmaids dress so can attend as a guest. 

    If it were me id have kicked her out when i found out i wasn't invited to her "family only" wedding but that's just me... i have zero tolerance for liars. 

    This is 10000% not you and i'm so sorry you're having to deal with it so close to your own wedding. She needs to get a grip, and id distance yourself and just focus on what makes you happy. 
  • Thanks so much @CoffeeDogAddict
    I was really worried I was being outrageous but just kept getting more and more upset when I tried to justify her behaviour! My partner has been super supportive and has encouraged distancing myself as well - just going to focus on having the best day with my best person and not let it get to me! Just helps to know I'm not being crazy!
  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 894 New bride
    I expect she is jealous now that her wedding is done, and by the sounds of it, it wasn't the sort of event she had hoped for (for whatever reasons) and now she's trying to make up for that by throwing her anniversary party. The fact that she changed the date for you suggests that she does really want you there, as the original date she chose had meaning, but the new date doesn't. Also, maybe she has asked you to be 'bridesmaids' because she feels guilty or sad about not having you there for the first wedding?

    That said, I would be super miffed if I hadn't been invited to the original wedding, especially as you consider yourselves close enough friends for her to be a bridesmaid. I would also be miffed at the suggestion of gifts when you have already given one. I would especially be miffed if she came to one of my wedding planning events and made it all about her and her party!

    Don't forget, though, you were friends before any of this wedding stuff started, so I would think really carefully about whether your relationship is worth causing extra stress, or if it would be better to try to 'put up' with it (as much as is reasonable) for the sake of your friendship. It's very easy to be caught up in all the wedding stuff when you're in the middle of it, but after the event, you might want to consider whether it's worth losing a friend over.

    I don't mean to make you feel like you're the one being unreasonable, nor that CoffeeDogAddict's advice is wrong, as I certainly don't believe that! You've not done anything wrong! I just wouldn't want you to make too big a deal out of this if it might ruin a friendship worth keeping in the long run, but only you can decide if that is the case.
  • I try to be understanding but she is really being awful. She would have been better off having her "proper" wedding at the 5 year or 10 year mark or something. As it is, it's splat in the middle of your long-planned, "only" wedding.  Oh and she excluded you from the original one. I'm not a petty person, but she is being ridiculous.
    I would just focus on my own wedding and not take this affair too seriously. My guess is that you have known her long enough to know that she is an all-about-me type. If she gets angry at your lack of participation/ excitement in her wedding re-do, you certainly have plenty of reasons in your defense. I wouldn't even bother defending my actions, I'd just let the friendship go if needs be.
  • I'm trying to think of a response that doesn't contain an obscenity but that's exactly what it is... obscene. I'd have ditched her after I found out she'd bold-faced lied to you all about her 'family only wedding' never mind all of the other stupid stuff she's now doing. 

    Honestly, you don't need people like that around you. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    I really think you are right to be miffed. Only defense I can think of is maybe she was under family pressure to have certain people as bridesmaids or something, and to keep the wedding small? I don't understand why they didn't just wait a year or two and have the wedding they actually wanted rather than this bizarre party a year after the first though.
  • TeamJamiesonLoweTeamJamiesonLowe Posts: 406 New bride
    edited March 2019
    She is batshit.

    She lies to you about the size of the wedding.  I would have been really hurt by this alone.

    She has no right to ask you to change your honeymoon dates.  Apart from the expense of changing the flights, you absolutely have the right to go on honeymoon straight after your wedding.  I wouldn’t be changing my dates for someone’s princess dress up day, sorry not sorry, that’s what this is.  Can’t she just call it a anniversary party?

    ...and sorry, you don’t get bridesmaids for this type of party, she is a married woman not a bride.  Say NO to buying a bridesmaid dress.  

    And she’s asking for gifts!!!  
  • SlySly Posts: 36 New bride
    To be honest, I wouldn't even be bothered to be thinking about it t this stage because I would have already ditched the friendship. I agree with some posts above, a true friend wouldn't act this way and certainly should have been honest from the start. Sounds like its time to bomb her out of your life. Sorry to be brutal. 
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