Feeling like my friends don’t care

We are having an an abroad wedding, and we know that because of finances, holidays, etc. that some of our friends and family won’t manage. That’s part of having an abroad wedding - and we totally understand people’s situations.

But what I’m feeling really upset about is that our RSVP deadline on our invites was 2 days ago. And so many of our friends haven’t RSVPd, or haven’t even sent us a message to explain or to say they’re still considering it. 

One friend, who I thought was a close friend, has actually messaged a mutual friend saying it’s a lot of effort for one day, but she feels like she has to come as I went to her wedding and I went to her abroad hen party (on my own, without even knowing any of the other people there!). I sent her a reminder message about the RSVP date and she has ignored me. So it’s pretty obvious to me that she doesn’t want to come. 

The whole thing is making me feel really down about my friendships. I thought I had a lot of really close friends, but it doesn’t feel like that any more. 

Any advice on how to stop feeling so upset about this? 

Posts

  • Destinations weddings can put people in impossible situations which you are now finding out. I think it's a bit crap to measure the importance of your f'ships based on whether people are willing to shell out a small fortune to attend a wedding that you decided to have abroad. You are going to have to just suck it up I'm afraid,
  • Why does anyone owe you an explanation? If they can't come, they can't come and they don't need to give a reason why they can't. Do you know how demoralising it is having to let a friend down like this because you simply cannot afford it even if you wanted to go? Just spare a thought about the amount of pressure the invite might have put on some people - financially and emotionally.

    If there's people that haven't RSVP'd but have expressed a desire to come then feel free to send them a message along the lines of 'Notice we haven't received your RSVP and were wondering if you're still coming to the wedding? No pressure, I appreciate it's a big financial ask" and wait for response.
  • I don't think anyone owes an explanation as to why they cant make it, BUT i do think its common decency to reply to an RSVP or a chase for a response if the RSVP date has gone. 

    Maybe its worth dropping people a message to say "i understand its a big ask and you may not be able to attend, i just need to know as we have to give numbers to the venue/caterers soon" so your friends realise why you're asking. 

    Unfortunately for some people no matter how much notice you give, a destination wedding will never be possible. Even if my best friend was getting married abroad my options would be don't go or get a loan because everything is so tight, and i don't agree with getting into debt for anyone else. It doesn't mean they don't care, but they're also trying to navigate an awkward situation where they may feel like they lose either way- they either let you down and make you feel like they don't care or they stretch themselves too thin and end up in financial difficulty. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,949 New bride
    I think it's fine to be a bit annoyed at the lack of RSVPs no matter where the wedding is, if you are invited to any wedding anywhere it's polite to let the host know if you accept or decline. However, if lots of people haven't, it may be that they are worried about your reaction - in which case dropping a line to everyone saying "we need final numbers, we totally understand if you can't make it, and if not we'd love to meet up with you afterwards for dinner & drinks" sort of thing, may help people feel comfortable with saying no. At least that way you'll know.
    Please don't think people care if they don't come though, there can be all sorts of issues at play, finances, childcare, availability of annual leave, already have other holiday plans or maybe they just have no interest in the destination you have chosen - none of it is a personal slight.
  • Honestly - and I know how annoying it is to have to chase RSVPs - I think you're overthinking this. People might not be able to come for a variety of reasons (and even more so as you're getting married overseas) but please don't take it personally. Because people can't come or even just have forgotten to RSVP doesn't mean they don't care about you  :)
  • Beatrice25Beatrice25 Posts: 248 New bride
    Hey, I'm another abroad bride! I can see where you're coming from and understand. I had 3 really close friends that said they were 100% coming face to face but when I needed RSVP's back it was radio silence. I've said all the time even when I gave them the invite that we obviously would love them to be there hence the invite but we completely understand its expensive and they'd have to take annual leave to come etc. and that I wouldn't be offended. When the deadline came and I text them I heard nothing for a couple weeks then they all finally text me at the same time. I was a bit upset not because they couldn't come just that they were ignoring me. When I saw them they really felt awful but I told them to stop being so silly I just wanted to know definite numbers.

    I don't think they're being bad friends I think they probably just feel really guilty and want to come but feel bad to tell you. My friends didn't want to commit until they definitely knew they couldn't afford it. I definitely wouldn't let it come between your friendship, these things happen and its one of the things you've got to come to terms with when planning a wedding abroad. Also we're having a girls night after when I've got the photos and video to 'premier' the wedding lol xx
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