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Bridesmaid moving country, hasn't told me

SarahJSarahJ Posts: 2 New bride
edited May 2019 in Emotional support
Hi there, would really appreciate an external perspective- I'm really stuck with how to handle this.

I got engaged in January and initially there was lots of lovely excitement and even more when I picked my 4 best gal pals to be my bridesmaids. My oldest friend was one of them, we were super close growing up and it was a no brainer that she would be in the party. We hadn't lived close for years but still had the occasional call and long message chats. 
We have the venue for the whole weekend and so the bridal party is staying onsite (and I'm paying for everything- accom with hot tub, food etc). As soon as I sent the invite out, the first response from this bridesmaid was to ask whether her other half could stay the whole weekend? I wouldn't have minded, however I had no idea that they were together, it was brand new and have never met the guy! No biggie, I just said that he would be welcome for the weekend but all accommodation was reserved for the bridal party and unfortunately there's not any more space. Awkward, but fair I felt as I was paying around £300 per person just for accommodation and had bunked her in with another bridesmaid.

After this, communication dropped off. There was no response to bridesmaid dresses that I'd picked, dates where we could meet up to try stuff on, or any general excitement for the weekend. I've told her I was paying for the dresses and shoes for them, no reply or thanks. She's messaged only twice in the last three months to say that she can't find time to meet up. She ignored all other messages.

I then heard from my mum, that her mum had called her to say that bridesmaid daughter couldn't afford to go on my surprise hen and that she was gutted but had no money. I can always understand this and wouldn't expect her to struggle, but she still hasn't actually told me this herself. I thought she could be embarassed, but then I see her post all the time about how much she goes out, so it just feels like shes not that bothered.

 It's been two months since I heard this from my mum and she still hasnt contacted me, so I decided to call and have an open chat. After picking up the phone and sounding surprised that it was me, she said she was busy and would call me back.....Then didn't and still hasn't messaged. I tried to call again a few days later, nothing. 

Worse still, another bridesmaid who is organising my hen told me that she text this other bridesmaid about the hen just incase anything had changed. Her response was that money is precious as she is moving to France on 1st August with her new boyfriend so can't afford it. She hasn't even mentioned this?! My wedding is in September? Who is this boyfriend?

I feel really upset how I wanted this wedding to be a chance to celebrate our long friendship, but it's seemed to have spiraled the other way.

I want to confront her and tell her i am hurt without completely ruining our friendship, but what am I within my rights to say? 
I expect nothing from her other than for her to be there with me on the day, and possibly to be happy for me, but feel unsure that either of those are possible and wonder whether she would ever tell me or just let me waste my money?

Any advice appreciated, I'm stuck. Thank you X

Posts

  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    First, let's take you paying for the accommodation out of the equation as I personally don't think it has much to do with the story. That's something you've chosen to do so you can't really use that as a defence weapon in this situation.

    That's not to say that I don't think your friend is being crappy and unappreciative. I guess we'll never really understand why other people act the way they do or say (or in this case, don't say) what they do. A wise woman on here often makes the point that you can't control other people's actions, just your response to them.

    Your response really will depend on how much you value this friendship and how much you want it to continue. I personally think it would be a shame to throw away a long friendship over this. I'd try to call her and if she doesn't answer, leave a message. People tend to feel more guilty not replying when they actually hear someone's voice but it also gives you an opportunity to get your message across better than text where the tone could be misconstrued. 

    I'd take the angle of... I've heard you're moving to France, how exciting. I was a little sad that you didn't feel like you could tell me this and that I had to hear through someone else... I really want share the excitement with you. I want you to know how much I love you and value your friendship and can't wait to share the excitement of my wedding with you too.

    Hopefully it'll give her a nudge in the right direction! x

  • To be honest it sounds like she doesn't want to do it and she's too scared to tell you.

    I'd just phone her and offer her a way out. It'll save you some money at least and you'll be happier if you're not thinking about her all the time.
  • SarahJSarahJ Posts: 2 New bride
    Thank you both for your comments, it's useful to get advice on this as I don't feel I can talk to anyone I know about it.
    I only mentioned that I was paying for everything to show that it wasn't an obstacle for her, I tried to remove any financial barriers from the process but it's only made me take it more personally. Anyway.
    Since posting this, she agreed to a dress fitting a month ago scheduled for next Sunday, and has messaged me today on my birthday to tell me that she isn't coming, but didn't apologise. I think I have my answer now really, upsetting though it is.

    Thanks again for your help x
  • WelshgirlWelshgirl Posts: 2 New bride
    She doesn't want to do it! She didn't want to do it from the start. Just because you're getting married doesn't give you the right to expect everyone to spend money and time on you and your event. 
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