guest refuses to get dressed up

Hello everyone, my to be husband has a friend he has know since school and he is now in his mid 40s. They talk all the time and I get on great with them, they are so much fun to be around (so you can now sense a "but" coming).

We are going to obviously invite him to the wedding but we know without even asking him he will be coming casual, he wont dress up and wont wear a suit, he never ever has. He skipped his graduation as he didnt want to wear one and when the guys have tried to drag him to formal meet ups in the past he just offers to come along for a drink the night before or meet after for a drink and is happy to miss the main event. This happened with horse racing a few years ago. He always says he was only ever successful in life because he hated wearing a suit so much he started his own business.

I know he has missed weddings in the past where he has felt too much pressure to conform and I dont understand why, he even went with his GF at the time to a 3 day wedding in spain but missed the actual wedding and hung around the day before and after with the group, he had no embarrassment or awkwardness about doing this and nor did the girl he was with at the time (she went to the wedding and excused him?).

He has his own business and does really well for himself so I know its not a money thing, he is the most easy going laid back person I have ever met about everything except this irrational hatered of dressing up. He can actually get a bit snappy about it. I tested the water on this last time we were all together by joking with him and I said something like "are people going to think you are too cheap to buy a suit for our wedding or are you going to break the habbit of a lifetime?" and he quickly replied that there was nothing wrong with people who were not able to afford a suit and that I should not be so elitist but if I was worried about people thinking he was broke he would arrive early in the porsche, park it right outside and block the road and wear a Rolex on each wrist (he has a ridiculously expensive collection of watches which makes this situation all the more annoying to me).

I was thinking of just inviting him to the evening do as I do worry about what people might think but at the same time I would love him to be there to share the full day with us.... but I am sure if given the choice he would miss the morning part of the wedding or even the whole thing without a second thought.

It has really been getting on my nerves and actually stressing me out as I have not spoken to my husband to be about this yet and I am not sure if it is going to lead to us arguing, he wont care how his friend turns up of dresses as he is use to this.

To make it a little more awkward we were having a bit of money trouble a few years ago and without even really asking this same friend let us live in a rental property he owned without paying rent until we got back on our feet, he really is a great guy and this is why Im finding it so tearing.

What a mess, Ive not spoke to anyone about this yet and I didnt mean to make this post as long as it was, however, I actually found this forum when doing a few searches for why men sometimes refuse to get dressed up so I thought I would sign up and make a post!



Posts

  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 930 New bride
    I appreciate that it's infuriating, and I personally think it's rude for someone not to make the effort to dress up for a wedding. However, you can't dictate what people wear, and you've made it clear you'd rather he wore suit, so there's not much more you can do. Don't worry what other people think, that's none of their business. I wouldn't not invite him to anything. After all, it's the man you're friends with, not his clothes!
  • SheffBrideySheffBridey Posts: 36 New bride
    Honestly, if it was me I’d suck it up. You say he’s a good friend, a great guy, he’s put you up free of charge seemingly without judgement or question so allow him his quirk. Who cares what other people think? It is easy for me to say this because I’m not planning a really formal wedding and expect there will be lots of men at mine not in full suits but would you not rather he was there than not? I think from your post it’s very clear that nothing you can say or do will get him there in a formal suit so that’s the choice you have to make. I can appreciate if you have a strong vision of how you want your wedding to be and have spent a lot of time, money and effort it might be difficult to accept but for me the want to have my friend there would be more important. I hope you get things sorted though, it’s so easy to dwell on things like this and they can build into something really stressful!
  • Personally if hes such a good friend I would let him wear what he wants to, at the very least it will be fun to explain to other guest why he isnt wearing a suit. Just say hes so rich that he doesnt feel need to wear a suit, I suspect that he will still look respectful anyway. Tell him you want him at the full wedding regardless, is it really worth upsetting a good friend over this?
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    Let it go. This guy is clearly a good friend and has helped you out when you've been in need, what does it matter if he wears a suit or not? On the day, he's going to be one person in a sea of others. He might get a few funny looks and a few quiet comments made but you'll probably be too busy to notice or care and will just be happy he's there with you to celebrate.

    I'd understand your apprehension if he lived in tracksuits and would turn up in something like that but presumably he still dresses well, even if it's not a proper suit? And if it's a summer wedding, I personally think guys are within reason to just wear a shirt and some chinos as long as it's done tastefully. Can't imagine how bloody hot they must get in full suits and ties.
  • Thanks I dont know why but last night I got really really stressed about this but there is really no reason to be, its not like he is going to turn up in flip flops or anything. I spoke to h2b today for the 1st time about this (learning the forum lingo!) and he joked with me that he wanted him to be the best man and we decided its actually pretty funny. Ive just found out the guy refused to wear uniform at school, I have no idea where he gets it from but its obviously some deep rooted strangeness! Anyhow thanks for the above, there is much more important stuff to worry about
  • I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and there were a few men not wearing suits.

    It seems to be getting more common these days to wear chinos and a shirt and shoes with no socks!  :s I'm surprised at how few people wear ties now too! The man who turned up in shorts and a shirt got a few funny looks though!

    I do think it's inappropriate to be honest but it wouldn't really bother me if it were my wedding. They only end up drawing attention to themselves, I can't be the only one who thinks it.
  • I still keep having the odd moment of rage about this, he will turn up in smartish trousers and a black wool jumper which probably cost more than every suit their combined so why not just do it.... Im going to put this to the back of my mind for the next forever to try to focus elsewhere!
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    I really don't think there's anything wrong with smart trousers and a jumper. The only thing missing from a proper 'suit' there is a jacket and to be honest, if I were a guy, I probably wouldn't want to wear one all day too. Hell, on the rare occasion I wear one for work I end up taking it off after about half an hour because it's restrictive.

    Let. It. Go. Don't know how far away your wedding is but believe me when I say there's a lot of things that are a lot more important than what one guy chooses to wear.
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 483 New bride
    What he spends on his outfit is none of your business. Hes an adult and can dress how he chooses. Either you want him there, dressed how he likes, or you dont. No point obsessing over it. You are starting your married life with the one you love. Dont get caught up on the little things. 
  • Maya Angelou had a saying, “when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.”  This person has shown many times before that he doesn’t respect the wishes of others and doesn’t care what others think and has no problem upsetting close ‘friends.’  You either accept that that is who he is and be prepared for him to be the odd one out on the day or you just don’t invite him.  He’s not going to change for you and he’s really not worth your worry or stressing out about it, he’s not wasting any time thinking about you.  Concentrate on yourself and OH and enjoy your day and don’t give him a second thought once you’ve made your decision.
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 483 New bride
    'This person has shown many times before that he doesn’t respect the wishes of others and doesn’t care what others think and has no problem upsetting close ‘friends.’

    Bit harsh. How about u not caring what he thinks, and what he wishes? I wouldnt be upset by his actions, and a close friend would know his reluctance to dress up, so shouldnt be upset by it.
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