Forum home Emotional support

Licking my wound after not being invited to a friends wedding

I am feeling a bit hurt and upset. Just reaching  out for some emotional support. It's not made easier by the fact that I am pregnant, hormonal and generally quite weepy.

I flew over to Paris this weekend to celebrate the 30th birthday of two twins who I have been friends with since school. Both of them were at my wedding last year. And one if them was engaged. I had assumed she wasn't planning to get married anytime soon, as she hadn't mentioned anything to me.

Well at the party I found out everyone knew the date of the wedding (next August) and where it was happening. Plus lots of details. I immediately felt awkward at the realisation that everyone had probably been invited except me. I just wanted to hide in a room and cry.
I didn't say anything and just tried to enjoy the party.
As I was saying goodbye my friend who is getting married said I am sorry the wedding is on a wednesday. Not sure what to say, I said oh don't worry, of course I would take the time off. Plus I will be on maternity leave anyway.  She said: Oh that's true. How old will baby be? Will it be ok with the wedding?. So I said: baby will be 4 months. I am sure we can work something out. Either take baby or leave it with our parents. We had a friend with a 4 month old baby at our wedding.

So I left a bit confused. It sounded like I was invited after all. But did she only say that because she felt awkward in the moment, after she realised everyone had been talking about the wedding.

My husband suggested I ask my other friend if she has been invited. So I did. She said yes. On further enquiry she explained they asked her if she would be able to come. And she definitely knew the date and location.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am nor invited. Or at least originally wasn't supposed to be. 
I am not going to ask. There is no point really. It would just make things awkward. If I get an invite I get an invite. If I don't I don't. 
I mean it's completely up to them who they invite. I know first hand that deciding on the guest list is the most difficult part of planning a wedding. And each additional person costs a lot of money. And there are loads of politics involved
My friend who has been invited has been friends with the twins several years longer. And admittedly I have not always  been the best at keeping in touch.
Plus the wedding is in french and dutch. My french us starting to get rusty. And my husband only speaks english. So they might have thought it would be awkward. And I will have a baby by that point if everything goes all right. So maybe they don't want a baby at their wedding. Although I only told them about that two weeks ago after our scan.

I am trying not to take it personally. But it still stings. I am feeling very lonely right now. I don't think the hormones help.
And my husband is really angry. He thinks being invited to our wedding means we should be invited to theirs. I tried to explain to him it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, I don't know why I wrote this. Just feeling a bit crap and alone right now, I guess.


  • Whilst normally I would say you cant assume to be invited to anyone’s wedding, this does have me stumped! 

    I think I would feel exactly the same as you, and I’m not pregnant. It would really hurt to know people had been invited and I hadn’t. 

    For us, with people we couldn’t invite due to numbers or money, I made sure I spoke to them and explained our situation. I absolutely didn’t want anyone to feel “left out”.

    To me, the way she then mentioned the wedding only after others had, and made a very none specific comment/invite would make it worse. If she had a valid reason then that would have been her opportunity to explain ? 

    To be honest she just sounds like a crappy person and I think your upset is completely warranted 

    sending hugs x
  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 943 New bride
    Could you ask the other twin to do some discreet investigating? If the bride was talking to you about taking the day off and the baby coming, it sounds like she thinks you're coming, unless I misread your post. Could the invitation have been genuinely misplaced or lost in the post?

    It does seem odd she would invite you to her birthday party but not her wedding! But I do understand it's totally the couple's choice about who they invite, and you don't want to be pushy if you're not invited.
  • DandelionBlueDandelionBlue Posts: 1,455 New bride
    edited December 2019
    Thank you MrsMidtoBe.

    Yes. I completely agree. You should never assume you are invited to someone's wedding. I actually said that to my husband, since he has asked me a couple of times when her wedding is.

    I think it just hurts the way I was confronted by it. It just completely caught me off guard. And I felt very embarrassed at the party. 
    There were about 30 people (non-family) there and everyone seems to have been invited. We only had 45 people at our wedding and invited her and her fiancée. But I guess friendships aren't always perceived equally from both sides.

    My mutual friend who wasn't at the birthday party also seemed surprised I hadn't been invited. And my other mutual friend spent a good chunk of the party blabbing away to me about the wedding, in the assumption I had been invited. I didn't say anything at that point because I was so confused. Sounded like she was the maid of honour too.

    As you said, I would rather she had explained the situation to me. I completely understand that not everyone can make it on the guest list. And there is often an A and a B list. There are many reasons I can come up with why I might be on the B list. Or not even close. But I would rather she had explained that to me.
    Now even if I get an invite, I will always wonder if she felt obliged after what happened at the party.

    I am finding it hard to believe she is a crappy person. I really don't want to think that. I am trying very hard not to let it affect my friendship.

    I went through a few years at school were I was bullied and had no friends. It was a bad time and this whole thing is bringing up a lot of bad emotions. The pregnancy hormones certainly don't help.

    But I really though I had made some friends for life.

    But it's good to hear that my feelings aren't completely unwarranted.
  • Sorry OmRum I didn't see your post. I think I was writing my reply at the same time.

    The invites have apparently not been sent yet. So it didn't get lost in the post or misplaced.
    But everyone else knew when the wedding was, where it was, details if the day. None of it has ever been mentioned to me. I asked her a few times how the planning was coming along and if it was stressful. She always made it seem like they hadn't really started planning yet. I mentioned this to our mutual friend (the one I asked if she was invited) after she said it must be a misunderstanding. And she then didn't seem so sure anymore that it was a misunderstanding.

    I am now wondering if when she said sorry it's on a Wednesday. She meant sorry we assumed you wouldn't be able to make it, so didn't invite you. Maybe I took the conversation unintentionally into an awkward direction. I don't know.

    But I feel like it's too awkward to ask. I don't want her to feel pressured to invite me. Which she might if I ask her twin sister. I don't know. Maybe  I should.  Just so that there is no misunderstanding. But what if there isn't and she simply hadn't planned to invite me.

  • It sounds like she wants a baby free wedding and was using the Wednesday thing as an excuse. You can either talk to her about it or wait and see if an invite shows up. I wouldnt have been hugely keen to go to a wedding when my LO was that toung tbh, especially if you're planning to BF
  • Hi @DandelionBlue I hope your pregnancy is progressing well!

    Bless you, I completely understand why you're feeling crap about this, and I am sure pregnancy hormones don't help. I def agree with you that whilst its fair enough they might be keeping things small and have reasons why they weren't able to invite you, they should have talked about it to you because to be confronted with it unexpectedly at the party is horrid (especially as you'd made an effort to travel out to her party whilst preg!)...

    You are definitely going to need to try and establish what's going on. Couldn't you ask your mutual friend to just innocently ask the girl getting married the question 'have you invited Dandelion?' and let you know what the answer is! She doesn't have to let on that you're upset/asked her to ask etc.


Sign In or Register to comment.