BEST MAN PROBLEM! NEED ADVICE!!!

Hi all, i have posted this in for the grooms as i am writing on behalf of h2b. Heres the problem; h2b has chose his friend Jay to be his best man, he has asked him already. He recently has become close to one of my good friends bf Sadler, they are like kids when they see each other. When we are going round theres sadler is looking through the blinds to see if Johns there!! And the sad thing is John does exactly the same if they are coming here! lol We meet up most weeks, sometimes more than once. Sadler is the same age as john, jay is older, by about 12 years. Jay has been a good friend to john for the whole of his life really, he spent xmas round his house etc. The problem is John thinks sadler will make a better best man than jay, without sounding horrible. Sadler cant be an usher, we already have 2! My idea was to have them both but share the job, Jays wife will be on her own at the champagne breakfast so instead of sitting on the top table, he could sit with her while sadler does the speeches etc. Sadlers gf Lauren could always be my maid of honor and their son wants to be a pageboy anyway, but even if lauren doesnt sit on the top table she wont be on her own as shell have jayden with her. Oh its all a pickle!!! Doesn anyone have any advice? Has anyone been through this b4? xxx

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  • Without knowing more about your individual situation I would say it will be VERY difficult to 'demote' someone you have already asked without upsetting him a great deal. From what I have seen, being asked to be a Best Man is a huge honour to a lot of guys. H2B's Best Man was bouncing off the walls when we asked him, and I know he has already pretty much written his speech for a wedding which doesn't even happen for 9 months. I think it's unfortunate that this situation has arisen but the most honourable thing to do would be to keep your Best Man as is, with the new guy perhaps elected to 'chief usher' or similar. H2B can then suggest that perhaps they work on stag etc together. I wouldn't want to upset someone who has been a good friend for so long...
  • RRrr2011RRrr2011 Posts: 1,262
    We are having 2 best men. We are having my H2Bs little brother who is a big part of our lives and has always been there (a bit like your H2B's old friend) and then he is having his best mate who is exactly like the new guy you have mentioned. They are both gonna sit on the top table and they are both gonna do a speech. (brother's will prob be a more family speech and his mate will be the usual jokey speech!)



    We did this becasue

    a) My H2B's dad will not be at the wedding and so his brother is going to sit where his dad is meant to sit and

    b) His friend lives in Oz and is flying over for the wedding so just in case anything goes wrong we won't be throwing some1 in at the deep end asking them to do a speech.



    The way i see it the more the merrier! I wanted everybody to feel involved and whilst i could only afford to have 2 bridesmaids we are having 2 best men and 5 ushers! and am having 2 readings in church so that another 2 people can be involved.



    Hope you get sorted - at least you have the problem of having more people rather than not enough people! xx
  • leannejjleannejj Posts: 176
    Even if you decided to have 2 best men, they should both be able to do a speech, as ellib said. Your original best man may have already started planning a speech for your big day so I think it would upset him for him to sit by and watch someone else do the speeches.



    I think Sadler should be a chief usher - he will understand about not being best man as he wasn't on the scene when you made those decisions. However, I am sure he would be honoured to be one of the groomsmen and by doing that, you don't really risk upsetting anyone x
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    I'd agree that removing someone from their position as bestman would not be a good idea! I reckon you should have both. I went to a wedding a few months back and there were 4 best men, and my OH is thinking of having 3 because he really couldn't choose between his brothers and his best friend!



    Have two B.Men! The table plan will be easy to sort out! Good luck! image
  • Having 2 best men is the way forward image

    It's quite common now, and we're doing it for ours!

    You just have to make sure they have equal amounts of responsibilty...

    With us, the loud one will do all the speech/organising on the day/toastmaster maybe.

    The quiet one will help with making sure everything goes to plan from more behind the scenes, and keeping the rings safe etc.



    It also suits me fine because I'm having 2 BMs!



    It's doable whatever the 2 people are like though image
  • MossumMossum Posts: 650
    My h2b was recently best man, along with 3 others! Like people say, quite normal nowadays. The speeches took a while image
  • You can't demote Jay and certainly can't take away some of his duties and the speech is the main one. Also remember that Jay has probably known your other half alot longer and whilst may not be as close as he is to sadler now they go back along way and it's these kind of stories that make the best man speech. If you want to include Sadler either make him joint best man or add another usher - it's not important that you already have 2 - i don't think there is a limit on this. Just be careful not to push jay aside, as for guys this is a big deal and once asked it would be pretty harsh for someone else to take over.
  • Yeah i think its fair that way, i dont think Jay will want his wife on her own tho, jays response to being a best man was "yeah, ive done it 3 times and they have all split up" sadlers response, would be "id love to" i know sadler hasnt been a best man b4 either. I think john will need to make time for some serious thinking, but i think having 2 best men wouldnt look odd would it? xx
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