fuming at parents in law

sorry if this is a long one but i have to get it out or there will be world war three.

to put the story to light, h2b has 2 sisters and his parents divorced. parents have new partners.

anyways tonight h2n comes homes and says has a very weird night. his dad asks him to the pub and he thinks its just for a wee drink. so he gets there his mum and dad are there.

they start talking about the the wedding and how they are upset that h2b sisters are not getting partners to the meal. we were inviting to the evening. now one of the sisters has been with the guy for about 4 months so can almost conceed to that although i have never met him but the other doesnt even have a BF but wants a plus one on the invite. now is it just me or is that ridic? is costing us £60 a head and so if we can save £120 then all the better. anyways i can deal with them having a partner there if need be althoughi think its just to be awkward but what i'm really pissed off at is how it was handled.

my parents are paying for all of our wedding bar about a tenth from his mum and dad. no i know it shouldnt have any bearing bu my mum has handed us 10k and asked for nothing anf hid sis wants some random guy there.

the main reason i'm pissed off is that they felt they had to do some cloack and dagger operation to discuss is with h2b and double team him on his own/ h2b aint great in debates and they even insinuated he didnt have a say in anything.which is untrue i consult him on everything, its because he doesnt tell them much being a guy!!! arrrrrrrrrgh, am i being silly? should i just let them have them and forget it?

they also said if it was problem they would pay, which i think its like insulting "we'll save the day by paying for two people"!!!



  • hi hunni its your day, not theres its up to u to wot u do. but if they so bothered let them pay for the to extra places. you wont no they are there as you wil be to busy with your new hubby x
  • I don't think you'll probably appreciate my opinion on this so I'm sorry if I offend you!!

    Personally I think both sisters should be allowed to invite a guest it's their brothers wedding. If it a was a cousin or a friend than fair enough I could understand. I do think though they have gone about it the wrong way and If it was me I would probably say something to them.

  • Sounds like the sisters have been giving them grief......personally, i'd let it go. Get them to name who's coming...so no simple +1 and go from there.

    Pick your battles wisely...I don't think this is one to get embroiled in. I do see where you're coming from though.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    not at all i'm not offended.

    I realise what youre saying and we will prob let them have a partner but one of them doesnt even have one! so is she just going to bring some random person and i should fork out £60 a head for them?

    I mean a few of h2b mates dont have partners coming because A) we dont know them and B) just cant afford to have partner esp people who we dont know.

    If they have been together for ages or are married of course we wouldnt not but i wasnt invited to meal of h2b friend and we had been living together for a year!
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    its also more that they didnt include me in the conversation. i think thats whats annoyed me more.
  • hi you do what you want,iam sending my invites in jan and i know i am prob going to give some the hump as i am not doing plus 1 .why would you want someone you hardly know to something so personal!dont let it get to you and stick to what you want.x
  • This is just my opinion and I am probably biased as I have a few issues with my M in law 2 b, but figure out what it is you are mad about, is it the way they did it or that you really don't want to give the sister a plus 1 because of the financial constraints. We are saying no to a few bf's gf's and having a reserve list because we really do need to cut back, though I do understand how hard this is as I know if my h2b asked if his niece could bring a plus 1 i would say no and this would truely upset him (they are a very close family - a little issue of mine).

    At least they are taking an interest I have just spent a whole week with my future in laws and the ONLY thing they asked about the wedding was where they were going to stay and if we could check it out - they do live in Germany but a "how's wedding plans going????" would be nice.

    It does surprise and anger me when people do this sort of thing, they will have a whole family there to keep them occupied why do they need someone else to keep them away from their brother's wedding especially if no-one else knows that plus 1????

    Just my opinion.

    x x
  • CurlyB2BCurlyB2B Posts: 1,016
    I can totally see why you're annoyed...

    Like they had a secret plan to get h2b to pub (without you) as if he is going to over-rule you or they expect him to talk you around...

    My h2b's sister has split from her husband this year, and isn't having nor expecting a plus one on her invite....

    We're not having anyone at our wedding that we don't know personally, and I dont see that there is anything wrong with that.

    With all guests - Aunties, Cousins etc, they are only having an additional guest on their invite if its a long term relationship.

    I'm not sure whether its worth putting your foot down about though? Will it cause a massive row? x x
  • MrsSB09MrsSB09 Posts: 816
    i do think that is a bit much demanding a plus one when they are single esp at £60 per plate. Some people just dont think but if you invite one sister bf then the other will feel left out. It was a bit underhanded how they brought up the subjects.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    they obviously feel it a big enough deal to say something about and so it may cause some aggro which i cant really be arsed with to be honest.

    it just seemd a bit much, lets meet sneakily, he didnt even know his mum was going to be there and then they totally come down on him and he is totally unprepared.

    the girls always get what they want, totally spoiled and if we need anything it always comes from my parents. it annoys me, i mean they are only 20 and 22, young girls who know loads of h2b mates etc so really its no essential.

    its an issue because of the money, first and foremost but im sure we could find it, but also that they have obviously made a big fuss to their mum and nobody even mentions to me even though i speak to them more than h2b does!
  • emsyjemsyj Posts: 3,807
    Crikey, if I was invited to my brother (or sister)'s wedding as a single (regardless of whether I had a boyfriend or not) I would be really really offended!!! They are his sisters!!! I do think that it is the 'right thing' to invite plus ones generally, but can understand that some people do have a problem with this for various reasons e.g. financial, capacity at the venue etc, but really his SISTERS??? They haven't said anything to you because they don't want to have a confrontation - but of course they've told their mum, and why shouldn't they? She is their mum after all, and they are clearly upset. It sounds to me as though your h2b's family wanted to sort this out quietly and without a fuss, but you have interpreted this as a 'cloak and dagger' operation. I guess if you don't like these girls (and you seem not to like them by your last post...) then you're bound to interpret their actions in the most negative way possible. Do you think you'd have felt any better about it if the sisters had come to you directly and said they weren't happy? I don't think that would have been a great idea, surely it was better that they spoke to their parents, who in turn spoke to their own son about things? The girls may not even be aware that anything has been said to you or your h2b.

    You probably don't want to hear this but I think they're entitled to be upset and offended. There are loads of people on here always saying, 'it's your day, do whatever you want' but in real life there are other people who have feelings that need to be considered. If you don't want them to bring plus ones then you're an adult, it's your decision and you don't have to invite them plus one if you don't want to, but equally they are adults and are entitled to respond by being offended and upset and/or not coming to the wedding. It would be a shame to start your married life with bad feelings on your h2b's family's side - is it really important enough to fall out with them over? I don't think they're being unreasonable to be upset, sorry but I'd feel the same if I were them.
  • banwabanwa Posts: 1,296
    I agree with everything emsyj has said.

    Hope this doesn't sound too harsh; you sound as though you are open to listening to what other people say though.

    How did exactly could they have tackled it that would have been more to your liking? Confrontation and accusations?

    I think they have been very sweet about it; it is pretty bad to not put plus ones on his sisters' invites. And if they are offering to pay for the plus ones I don't really get what the issue is.

    I think it's too easy to listen to people harping on about how it's 'your day' and all about 'what you want' and forget that really it's about family.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    so you think regardless of if they have a partner i should invite a plus one just because they are his sisters?

    as I have said one of the sisters has a partner and i am ok with inviting him, its just i dont know why you would want a plus one if you dont have a partner and loads of people you know will be there.

    I am upset that you would say i dont like the girls, i like them very much and i feel we get on very well which is why i dont understand why they didnt speak to us both.

    so you think its ok that if we have to replace a good friend of ours for someone we dont know and that we dont even know who it will be yet is perfectly ok and i shouldnt worry about it?

    i would never fall out with them about it, certainly not, just completely took me by surprise as my parents see as us a partnership and so would discuss with both of us.
  • I think it's cheeky, why should she bring whoever she wants to the wedding?

    Fair enough the one that has a fella should be able to bring him but if you don't know him then I agree only to the evening!

    It's not like she wont know people there!

    I don't see why being invited to a wedding means you should be able to bring who you want with you!

    I would never expect someone to say bring a friend, why should they sacrafice one of their friends to have one of mine there!

  • banwabanwa Posts: 1,296
    But you don't need to replace one of your friends, they have offered to pay. You can have both - hurrah!

    All I know is that I would hate to be invited to a wedding alone when everyone else is coupled up, and the sister obviously feels the same or it would not have been brought up in this way. To me it's pretty clear and simple. If they are offering to pay, for the sake of peace and goodwill, let her have a plus one.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    i wouldnt accept that because i really dont want it to turn into a "well they can come, but if you pay" I feel thats a bit shady on our part.

    you really think i'm over reacting and i should just be like "sure bring a mate"?

    as i said, h2b went to a wedding where everyone was coupled and he was on his own and i travelled and sat in a hotel room and went to the evening. i wasnt overly fussed and thats me and h2b, engaged etc etc not just a random date guy.

    i'll need to have them now as you say, i dont want to start off on the wrong foot, 2 bm's dont have partners, girls have known for 20 years and i'm not giving them plus ones, they could bring a friend too, but if i did that we wouldd have about another thousand pounds to pay.so for some its either they come as a single or they dont come, which i dotn want but what else can we do.
  • ACE2bACE2b Posts: 106
    We've told my brother that unless he has a steady girlfriend for at least a couple of months before the invites go out then his invite will only have his name on it. As a compromise I have said he can invite a couple of friends to the evening reception. He is quite happy with this and understands why we have said this. Maybe we're quite harsh but I don't want him bringing someone we have never met just for the sake of it. I know this doesn't really help but i understand where you are coming from with what you are saying.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    well i thought the same thing.

    i told my single bms unless they are with a partner for at least 6 months before the wedding i wouldnt have them for dinner and they completely understand.

    I would like to see how they deal with it when its their wedding and they h ave to pay for it

    I mean they had a 21st party and some girlfiriends came with guys they had invited and they got them chucked out because they didnt like them from about 5 years ago and that was only a 21st! this is our wedding!
  • banwabanwa Posts: 1,296
    I don't know about overreacting but perhaps you should relax a little about it. No one is asking you to put plus ones on every invite. Just his sisters. Yes they are more important than your mates of 20 years, and no it would not be 'shady' to accept their offer.

    This really is a very small problem, it could be so much worse. Ultimately you will pretty much have to capitulate on this, and your planning will be so much more enjoyable if you just do so cheerfully and don't waste another moment stewing on it.
  • emsyjemsyj Posts: 3,807
    so you think regardless of if they have a partner i should invite a plus one just because they are his sisters?

    as I have said one of the sisters has a partner and i am ok with inviting him, its just i dont know why you would want a plus one if you dont have a partner and loads of people you know will be there.

    I am upset that you would say i dont like the girls, i like them very much and i feel we get on very well which is why i dont understand why they didnt speak to us both.

    so you think its ok that if we have to replace a good friend of ours for someone we dont know and that we dont even know who it will be yet is perfectly ok and i shouldnt worry about it?

    i would never fall out with them about it, certainly not, just completely took me by surprise as my parents see as us a partnership and so would discuss with both of us.

    Sorry, but yes - that's about the size of it. I do think they should have a plus one regardless. I would think that, if they didn't have a partner, the polite response for them would be to say, 'thank you but I don't have a partner to bring so I will be coming just me' but they should have the option e.g. to bring a friend. I do think that inviting close family members 'plus one' should come before inviting friends, but as I said above if you were to make the girls aware that you were doing this then the polite and courteous response by them might be to graciously decline the offer of a plus one. They might decline anyway, they probably just wanted to feel that they could bring someone if they wanted to. A lot of people seem to feel that they don't want anyone that they don't know very very well at their wedding but sometimes it just isn't realistic - for example, my h2b has several friends who live a distance away and whose other halves I have never met. So they will be at our wedding (because they are significant people to his friends, and his friends are significant people to him...) It's just one of those things. Of course, it's your wedding, you are entitled to do as you choose - but your h2b's parents might well have old-fashioned ideas (like mine!!!) that inviting a guest to your wedding means you invite a plus one. You can try to explain that people don't always do that any more, but if that's their generation and what they think then I doubt you'll have much success.

    Re: not liking them, in your post you said they were spoilt and always getting their own way, so I took it from that comment that you didn't really like them but I take it back if that is wrong.
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    yes i agree with you that it isnt realistic not to invite a significant other of a family member to a wedding, but if there is no significant other and you know for a fact they wont decline a partner and will just bring a friend i feel it tad much that we should pay for it.

    his family have no old fashioned values and dont take much interest in h2b anyh other time, and by spoiled i didnt mean they were little madams just that they get everything they want and h2b is left aside a lot. so its not an IF that remark was wrong, it is wrong. I come from a family with very strong family values and we discuss anything together,

    at the end of the day, i wanted opinions and thats what i got and you are entitled to yours.

    although just because something is tradional doesnt make it right, and to be honest mrs macnomore is probabaly right in the fact i should just move past it and try and find the cash, i probably wont even notice them anyway.

    h2b and i are a unit and i would expect we be treated so in the future when discussing things of this nature, whether you agree with that or not is neither here nor there as our relationship is ours and i know people differ in these matters.

    thank you for your opinions on whole.
  • just to add - I think plus ones should be reserved for significant other halves- this is a long standing partner- I'd say longer than 2 months at least- probably not going to be a popular response but thats my view- if it was free then maybe it would be different but you're not made of money!!
  • EmlarEmlar Posts: 1,581
    i totally understand where ur coming from. i would not want people at my wedding who i dont know. i have 2 brothers. one of them has a long term 'friend' and they have just told everyone they are now 'going out' (so cute lol) i wasnt going to invite her - but we are now - because they have announced that they are more than friends. my other bro is single and asked if he could bring a friend - no - was our answer.

    same for h2b brother. its OUR wedding. not their party. and we will have who WE want there. the ONLY people we have given plus ones to is one of my friends who will be coming but doesnt know anyone else and my cousin who had a massive fall out with the rest of the family - so i thought she would need the support from someone else.

    thats it - no one else has a plus one.

    my aunt (in her 60s) has been 'friends' with a guy for about 10-15 yrs but i have only met him once. she asked if he could come to the wedding and my 1st instinct was NO! i dont know him! but we ended up allowing him to go because we had someone else drop out and so it was just easier to say yes...

    at the end of the day what i am trying to say is, you should have who YOU want at YOUR wedding. if it means that much to you that you dont have ppl at ur wedding that you dont know, then say no. if it doesnt bother u and u would rather keep the peace, say yes.

    its ur day and you should celebrate it with ppl you want.

    personally i dont want ppl at the wedding who i wouldnt normally invite to another event (birthday/christening etc) just because its a wedding it doesnt mean the world and his wife are entitled to be there!!

    good luck in ur decision!
  • Having been single for many years, I was NEVER invited to bring a plus one to family events. It took some of my family a while toget used to me being with now hubbie and they took some persuading to invite him to things (even though we had been together for several years in one instance). I really never felt offended and would rather have been there on my own than with a token gesture peson to be honest.

    At our wedding my hubbie did invite some people who I had never met (for professional reasons - and only to the evening) and whilst I was comfortable with it I can honestly say that they were not (it was REALLY obvious!). They looked like spare parts. I can say that in the nearly 2 years since the wedding we have had virtually no contact again with these people and to me it was all a bit meaningless. Even hubbie would now admit that it wasn't his best ever idea.

    I don't feel it is an automatic right whether it's a brother or sister or whoever to be given a plus one invitation.

    Just my opinion. I say go with what you feel is right.

    Love & hugs

    Rita R


  • piru662piru662 Posts: 434
    okay my 2pennies worth.

    I agree with the whole - they are his sisters so should get to invite a partner if they have one, no matter how long they have been together. however, I don't think a random plus 1 is okay.

    It really sounds as though you and H 2 B need to sit and discuss this and decide what you are prepared to do. Then have a chat with all his family including the sisters - where he should do most of the talking!

    Something along the line of:

    Thank you for letting us know that x and y would like to bring someone to the wedding. We have talked about it and are happy to invite partners/bfs and will put their names on the invite. Then ask the sister who you think has no bf if there is someone she was hoping to invite? Maybe she has a very new boyfriend you don't know about? If she doesn't then say you are very happy for her to have someone to the evening if she lets you have their name for an invite.

    So sister x will get an invite for her and BF and sister y will either get solo invite plus a friend invited to the eveing or one with this new boyfriend on.

    Honestly think this all says more about the family dynamic than anything else, marrying someone brings a whole new dimension to how 'family' works as each family does things differently.

    good luck

  • sdasilvauksdasilvauk Posts: 3,050
    I think they should have a plus one....they are his sisters, and really £120 isnt much money at all in the grand scheme of things.
  • lrbpielrbpie Posts: 2,280
    I would definitely include the boyfriend of the sister who has a boyfriend.

    However I don't really see why the single sister should be allowed to invite a random. It's not like she won't know anyone else there... her whole family will be there, she can talk to them surely?

    Having said that, if she is younger than most of the guests (eg she is 15 and everyone else is 27) or if she would the only single person there, then I would let her bring someone to keep her company. But not otherwise.

    I also agree that they way they have gone about this is a bit silly - they should have spoken to both you and h2b together - but clearly they feel a bit embarrassed about it and prefer to speak to h2b alone. I can understand that to be honest, and I wouldn't get too upset about it, the important thing is that h2b is discussing it with you.
  • The only reason I say long standing partner is because its likely you will send out the invites 6 months or so before the wedding (I know anyone can break up but I wouldn't invite a boyfriend of 2 weeks say as you don't know someone very well at that stage and its early days)- obviously if that relationship blooms nearer to the wedding and you are able to do so I'd be willing to add them at a later date, just wouldn't allow someone 3 weeks before my wedding saying "I've got a boyfriend who I've been on a few dates with that I'm bringing"

    I want either me or h2b to at least be on speaking terms with the majority of the guests (know this isn't always possible)

    [Modified by: michreynolds on December 30, 2008 10:07 AM]

  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    My brother got married over 3 years ago. I wasn't part of a couple when they issued the invitations. At the time of the wedding I'd only just got on with my partner (the same guy I'm marrying in 87 days). So at that time the relationship was NEW. I didn't expect my brother to invite my partner at the last minute and would've been embarrassed if he had. After the main, daytime reception, my sister urged me to invite Earl to the evening bash. I could've phoned him to come out & join us. But I didn't. I stood firm. When you're just starting out with somebody, to invite them to a family wedding is a bit ???????off??????? I think. Even when it's only the evening reception. It sends strange signals to a new man in your life if you invite him to a formal occasion in the role of your partner. Earl now says that he's glad I didn't ask him along to the evening ???????do??????? because he wouldn't have come. Consequently, I would've felt uncomfortable that I'd asked him.

    I think in these cases that when you look back on wedding photo's in years to come it can be a bit embarrassing too. Especially if you're showing them to your children! It's like ???????Who's that man with Auntie Sarah???????? and then you have to say to your son or daughter ???????Well honey, it was before she even MET Uncle Luke, it was just somebody who partnered her for the day at our wedding ....???????

    It's my second time around and Earl & I are both 50 so we WON'T be having children (lol) anyway in our case. However I've invited my four children. My oldest son has a girlfriend he lives with so she's invited. My only daughter has a long-term boyfriend who is invited. My other 2 sons are unattached so I've NOT put ???????plus ones??????? on their invites. They are cool with this.

    At the end of the day, if your parents-in-law are willing to pay for their places, I would just go along with it all. But yes, I'd be as mad as hell that first of all they were so willing to acquiesce to these 2 spoiled daughters of theirs and secondly that they felt they had to have a private, secret conference with your fianc???? to try and get it arranged. You're SO right to feel p*ssed off and angry tweetypie23.

    Bamba x

    [Modified by: Bambagirl on December 30, 2008 10:20 AM]

  • I have this exact same issue.

    Both my sisters are bm. One has a bf that she has been with just over a year, so we will invite him. My other sister is single, as is my brother. They will not be having plus 1's on their invites, but neither will any of te other guests. We decided from the start that unless people were in a couple or looked like they would be a long term relationship when the invites ogo out we wouldn't invite them.

    We made this decision not because of the money, but because of the size of the venue. We can only have 100 max to the daytime reception and our family takes the numbers to 90 without any of our close friends. We will be having an evening do to where we can invite up to another 100 there will be more room for partners.

    This has actually caused the most reaction from 20 yr old cousin. She has been with her bf (very on off) for about three years, but we have decided not to invite him. We have never met him and we can't be certain that they will still be together tomorrow let alone in October. She has now said she may not come if he isn't invited.

    We are sticking to our decision as we would rather have all our family at our wedding rather than strangers, but it is definitley a difficult decision and depends alot on your venue and budget.

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