How much should you know about your Groom?

hi, wasn't sure where to post this but though this was as good a place as any.



My OH and I haven't really had the ex's conversation choosing to leave the past in the past. However just messing around last night I asked him if he'd ever had a threesome expecting him to just laugh and say no. However he hesitated then said there was no need for us to talk about any of that. I'm a bit upset and now feel like I don't really know him. What else has he not told me? I know asking questions like I did never leads to anything you want to hear but I'm now curious about what he was not telling me. I'll b gutted if he was into threesomes with his ex wife or something but probably wouldn't care if it was something from when he was much younger. Am I being irrational? Is this a big deal? I wish I'd never asked that silly question! image
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  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659
    In answer to the thread title - everything - to me anyway.



    I think you need to sit down with h2b and explain how this makes you feel. When you CHOOSE to leave something in the past it's because you know about it. My husband and I have openly discussed everything in our pasts, it's easy to leave in the past because we know about it all, but it also allows us to choose things we say carefully.



    If we hadn't had the ex conversation, I wouldn't know things like he lost his pregnant girlfriend in a car accident when he was sixteen. Knowing that and other things means I mean enough to him to share such info - this was something he'd previously buried and didn't share with anyone.



    More relevantly to your topic, he has had a threesome. It was something two girls did for his birthday years ago as a teenager. So no it doesn't bother me. That said, if it was something more recent and regular I'd still have wanted to know. Hubby and I know all eachother's dirty little secrets - how can you know someone if they have parts of their life they hide from you? This goes both ways for you and h2b.



    The ex conversation can help you know where things went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes. It can also help you understand as a couple what the other does and doesn't like sexually. Only when you know can you make a choice.

    image
  • EJMBEJMB Posts: 38
    Thanks for replying - you've made me feel better that I'm not over-reacting by being concerned by this. I don't want to feel like I don't know my partner. It's tricky after nearly 3 years to suddenly want to know more about his past but it seems like a conversation I need to have - I'm not sure he'll feel the same way though
  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835
    Im the same as Dudders- I know everything about h2b and would feel uncomfortable if I knew he was keeping things from me.



    Hope everything works out xx
  • KLC27KLC27 Posts: 580
    I also know everything about my husband, we got all that sort of stuff out the way in the 1st few months of being together x
  • RowenaFWRowenaFW Posts: 2,078
    I have to agree with what Dudders said, esp leaving things in the past because you know about them.



    My fiance and I have talked about everything. There are some things I haven't been able to tell him, and in these cases I have said, I will tell you about this, it will come out one day, it's just taking time. But these are always small things. We discussed exes from the beginning - more out of curiosity and the fact that we are both still friends with most of our exes (and you know, want to invite them to the wedding and such forth).



    I think the most important thing in a relationship is good communication, and sharing and trusting each other with everything. image
  • EJMB,



    I agree with everyone. I think it's something you should definatelly talk about, I'm sure it might make you feel a little uncomfortable but it's always something you will get over. My partner and I had the chat when we first got together and he told me he had a threesome with his ex wife and a friend for a few months. It's not even like a one off thing so was hard to take in at first, but it was one of the things that ruined their relationship. He has three children with her and sees her every week because if them. He also receive a wedding invite from the third party not so long ago... Which he didn't go to ( as I wasn't thrilled ) image I don't think things could get much closer than that, I'm a very jealous person but I'm ok about it. It happened a long time ago and as my partner says 'fantacys should stay fantacys, it never how you emagine it to be'



    I really think you should have the talk be open with each other then move on, just because they have done something in the past doesn't mean they still want to do it now.



    Charlotte x
  • I wouldn't have married my husband if I hadn't known everything. Not that its easy...exchanging relationship histories does give rise to a silly sort of jealousy. But I'm so glad we did...some things you do in your youth or with another person you would never do again so don't be too worried about the threesome thing. Some times you just need to get these things out your system. I once went to a swingers club with an ex...it wasn't for me and never want to repeat it but my husband accepted its part of my past. Allow him to be who he is ...make it OK for him to reveal his past...hear the things and accept they are done. If he wanted to do them again he would have asked by now. He's not necessarily being secretive ..he is just electing not to tell in case it upsets you but if you make it OK for him you will end up alot closer
  • I was quite lucky, my partner just tells me things, we was talking about our past etc. and it just came up. I think some people need to know everything and other are not too bothered. If you don't mind what they have done in the past then leave it there if you are then just ask. If your marrying this person then surly it can't be hard to say 'I was talkin to a few people today and they said there partners had had a threesome before, have you ever?'
  • I think most couples get the 'ex' convo out of the way early on in the relationship, it is strange that you didn't but there is no reason why you shouldn't have it now. I know everything about my husband, and he me. That is part of marrying someone, accepting them for who they are and understanding who they were.
  • After a few months together we stayed up all night one time and had the ex convo. It was fun. If your serious about eachother which you clearly are as you getting wed, i don't see anything wrong with knowing eachothers past. You should have the convo!!! Its his past, once you know it, just leave it in the past!!! image
  • I completely disagree that you 'need' to know about someone's past sex-life, even if you're marrying them. What they did before they were with you is just not relevant to your relationship, and I really don't think that just because you're in a relationship with someone, you have a right to know absolutely every single thing they did before they were with you. I also think that chances are it will end in hurt and upset for a lot of people.



    I have had sex with 18 men inc my OH. I have had a 3-some and a 4-some. My OH knows I have had a 'colourful' past sex-life, but has no desire to know the details; and in all honesty, if he'd demanded the details, I'd have been less than impressed.



    What is in the past is just that: in the past. It is not relevant to your relationship now.



    I also find the idea that you should know 'everything' about someone pretty creepy. I have a great relationship with my OH, and we know each other inside out. Does that mean we share every single little inner thought with each other? That we share everything, including details of our friends secrets? No. Some things don't need to be shared. I have some sexual fantasies that I don't share with him, because they are private to me, and I wouldn't be comfortable sharing them; I'm sure the same goes for him. If a friend asks me to keep something in strict confidence, I do. Etc. I think needing to know everything demonstrates some level of insecurity in all honesty.
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659
    Quoted:
    I think needing to know everything demonstrates some level of insecurity in all honesty.


    That's an interesting pov. For me personally it shows exactly the opposite. Historically I have always been a very jealous person and quite honestly couldn't have had these sorts of discussions with a partner. However we are so secure in our relationship, we can and have told eachother everything, because none of it matters as such, but has made us the people we are today.
  • If you had the threesome convo I'm sure he would have said something if he had. If you was never bothered before then it shouldn't bother you now. I really don't think if the answere is yes or no it would change things. I only think you should ask and have the conversation about past relationships if it bothered you and you feel you need to know
  • Quoted:
    i am assuming that if he ever had, he would tell me. i haven't really asked him questions about his sex life before he met me.



    i'm sure we had a conversation once about threesomes once. i think i asked him if he is like most blokes and dreams about having one surely he would have mentionned that he has had one then if he has?



    i am assuming he hasn't had one if he hasn't told me.



    has anyone else not asked their partner that question? i feel a bit odd now. it has never crossed my mind to ask him! lol!


    It has never even occurred to me to ask my OH if he's had a threesome if I'm honest; it is just not something I care about or need to know.



    As far as him telling you: why would he?.. Why would he just randomly be like 'Oh, by the way, I had a threesome a few years ago'?.. And if he did, what exactly would this achieve? Some fleeting sense of satisfaction that he has shared 'everything' with you? And then what? Would you be OK with it? Or would you end up feeling jealous and insecure?



    It strikes me that a lot of people, women especially, are very insecure when it comes to their partners past. And while I agree that honesty is the best policy in general, I'm really not convinced that knowing the ins and outs of your partner's past sex life is at all necessary, or adds anything to the relationship; and I think a lot of the people who have this 'need' to know will only end up feeling upset if their partner is honest.



    I do also wonder how many people are actually totally 100% honest about their past sex life, and how many decide to leave a few selective details out in the interests of keeping the peace..
  • I'd like to say everything, but if I'm honest, I learn something new every day. Not necessarily about his past, my past or even anything to do with rudeydoodies, but just linking things together from what I've learnt before and seeing why he does things.



    I'd have the chat, it'll be fine in the end - you're not being irrational, it's obviously come as a shock but don't let it affect the relationship you've had and built for the last however long image
  • EJMBEJMB Posts: 38
    I seem to have stimulated a bit of a debate image



    I just phoned H2B to talk about how I was feeling - I said it wasn't that I needed to know gory details but that I want to feel like I know him. He said the reason for the hesitation was surprise at the question - he felt it was akin to him asking me what my favourite position with my ex was, or who was best in bed. He hasn't had a threesome he was just confused where the conversation was going. I know the bare bones roughly of his relationship history and don't want to rake up old stuff. But after talking to him I believe that if there was anything I really wanted to know he'd tell me. I feel better now I know he isn't hiding anything and to be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable going into detail about every aspect of every relationship i've had so I guess we're somewhere in the middle. We know the abridged version of each others past just not all the gory details which I don't think we really need to go into. I see a threesome as quite a big thing, not part of most people's 'normal' sex life in a relationship so felt that it was different to just a generic sex question.



    I'm waffling now lol - in truth I'm just glad him and his ex wife weren't swinging from the rafters with half the town!!! image
  • Quoted:
    Quoted:
    I think needing to know everything demonstrates some level of insecurity in all honesty.


    That's an interesting pov. For me personally it shows exactly the opposite. Historically I have always been a very jealous person and quite honestly couldn't have had these sorts of discussions with a partner. However we are so secure in our relationship, we can and have told eachother everything, because none of it matters as such, but has made us the people we are today.


    See I'm totally secure in my relationship, and honestly do not care what he has done in the past; if he told me I'd be like 'Ooh, you're nearly as naughty as me!'.



    But for me it just isn't something I find relevant to our relationship; knowing would not change anything. So why ask? Why make him share every last little detail?..



    Like I said, if he asked me, I would feel that he didn't trust me, and was insecure. I would also find it quite controlling.
  • I agree with barbie. I dont see the need to know everything about my h2b's past. I do know a lot about my h2bs past but only because we often get into long deep conversations and stuff has came up, like comparing our opinions on certain stuff and sharing experiences.

    None of us have ever actively came out and asked questions about each other unless its something we are discussing.

    We are both very open with each other and can talk about anything.



    I believe that as long as it isnt relevent to your relationship then there is basically no need to know. I know that my fiance would tell me anything if i asked, but the honestly of this is more important to me than actually wanting to know. He has told me things that he hasnt shared with anyone else, only because we have an honest relationship and he knows that i will never judge him or see him any differently.



    The way i see it also is that a persons past shapes them into who they are now, regardless of whether it was good or bad. And if you love that person for who they are now, then what they did in the past is irrelevant really. I know exactly who my h2b is now, and thats good enough for me.
  • Li1736Li1736 Posts: 324
    you should only be concerned if the 3sum happened while you were in a relationship as thats the only way it affects you, otherwise i would just leave it, its in the past its not got anything to do with your relationship so why make a thing of it.



    im very open and honest with my h2b and he is with me but there are things i havnt told him because im embarrassed about things i did as a teenager and im not lying and it was ten years before i emt h2b and if he ever asked outright i would be honest but there are things you dont NEED to no in order to be married to each other
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659
    Quoted:
    I see a threesome as quite a big thing, not part of most people's 'normal' sex life in a relationship so felt that it was different to just a generic sex question.


    This is quite poignant. You see when I say we have shared everything, I guess I am generalising, as in number of partners, relationship lengths, reasons for break ups etc. We haven't analysed every single sexual encounter!! However, I agree completely with the above statement and that's why that was one question I did ask... Along with a number of others!!!



    I'm glad you've spoken to your h2b and your mind is at ease image
  • I think there are valid points on both sides to be fair. The only question I ask is can you really know 'everything' about someone? I am maybe being a pit pernickity here but im thinking about things like childhood moments and memories etc. I cant even remember some of these things about myself. I know the important things about my husband and he is the same with me. We have been together so long we know all the in's and outs (excuse the pun) about each others sexual history. But again I think its only important if you want to know. Simple.
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659
    Quoted:
    is anyone else wondering if their H2B has ever had a threesome now?


    No I know he had one of those, but I didn't specifically ask if he had a foursome image
  • Why is a threesome a big thing?.. I had a threesome when single, as well as a foursome. I wouldn't say it's a particularly 'crazy' thing to do.



    But again, why does it being 'not normal' make it more important? Why do you need to know about it? Do you also ask questions about any other 'deviant' sexual activities like anal, etc? As long as my partner is clean, I'm really not bothered about anything else he's done.



    I'm just trying to understand why it matters, and how knowing would improve your relationship. I somehow doubt people want to know just out of curiosity. If you're being brutally honest, chances are you want to know because you somehow think it's relevant, and I just cannot see how what someone did when they were young free and single is relevant to their committed future relationships.
  • MrMunchMrMunch Posts: 216
    I respect everyone's views on this but personally I'm not overly fussed about my W2Bs past - obviously if there was something out of the ordinary, like she enjoyed having sex while being stabbed in the back with a toasting fork or would only have sex in front of an audience of Tibetian monks then I would definately need to be told - as for threesomes or 33-somes I wouldn't be too worried.



    But as I said at the beginning, I think it's down to how everyone feels!
  • Surely you should know about a partners sexual history in order to assess the risk of an STD ...only then you can decide whether you or he needs a sexual health check ??? Sorry to sound clinical !

    Also shouldn't you also be checking whether you are sexually compatible and want the same things...many people suppress their desires and even fetishes and I wouldn't want that with someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
  • I won't pretend that I know absolutely everything about my fiance. I don't. I will say that we have a total honesty with each other, even to the point of being slightly uncomfortable.



    We discussed our "number" on the first date (mine was five times his, so I wanted to get it off my chest early on); we are both friends with most of our exes and have met each other's; we have discussed our kinks and limits openly and agreed what we will and won't do.



    I wouldn't say it's for everyone, but the fact that he can trust me to be totally honest and vice versa means that we almost feel freer in our relationship. That's not to say we cheat, but we can feel comfortable flirting occasionally in the knowledge that we will come home to each other and talk about it.



    As to a threesome... I have, he hasn't, we probably will.
  • I'd be fine with the hubby having had a 3some, so long as the other dude was OK with it too image
  • Quoted:
    Surely you should know about a partners sexual history in order to assess the risk of an STD ...only then you can decide whether you or he needs a sexual health check ??? Sorry to sound clinical ! Also shouldn't you also be checking whether you are sexually compatible and want the same things...many people suppress their desires and even fetishes and I wouldn't want that with someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with.


    All very good points. I'd totally forgotten that I sent my fiance for an STD test before we stopped using condoms (I had routine tests regularly up until we got together).
  • Quoted:
    Surely you should know about a partners sexual history in order to assess the risk of an STD ...only then you can decide whether you or he needs a sexual health check ??? Sorry to sound clinical !

    Also shouldn't you also be checking whether you are sexually compatible and want the same things...many people suppress their desires and even fetishes and I wouldn't want that with someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with.




    You're making a few assumptions there. Namely, that what someone did in their past, is relevant to their present, and reflects some deep-seated desires/fetishes.



    I had a threesome when I was 17, and a foursome when I was 18. I was single at the time, and enjoying trying out new things, sleeping with loads of guys, etc. It was a lot of fun, and I have no regrets, but it is not an intrinsic part of me or my personality. I never fantasise about threesomes, and harbour no secret/repressed desires to experience them again. My feeling is 'been there, done that, got the T-shirt; it was fun, but something I can easily and happily live without as long as I live'. If my OH was desperate to try a threesome, I would consider it, with ground-rules; but it's not something I would ever suggest, or particularly want to do again.



    So I think to suggest that because someone has done something once, several years ago, when they were free and single, implies some deep-seated fetish for that thing, is a huge leap. People experiment when they're young; they do things to try them out and see what they're like. In most cases, it will still a one-off.



    Now if someone DOES have some huge fetish for threesomes, and wants/plans to include them in relationships, then obviously that is different, and their partner has a right to know, as it will affect them and the relationship. But something that is in the past and that someone has no desire to repeat is just not relevant.



    Secondly, you don't need to know everything to assess your risk of STD's. TBH, the main thing I care about is how safe someone has been, and how often they've been checked, and when their last check-up was. The number of partners is not strictly relevant. Eg: I ahve had sex with 18 men. I have used condoms with every single one, unless I have been with them at least 3 months, and been checked for STDs; I have NEVER had an unprotected one night stand/fling. Whereas, a friend of mine has only had sex with 4 men, but she has never used condoms, and never been tested; who do you think is most at risk? For that reason, numbers do not concern me, but safety and how responsible they are, does.



    Further, with the best will in the world, ultimately you are taking their word for it. For this reason, I will only stop using condoms when I think a relationship is going somewhere, I will get tested before we stop using them, and I will get tested again 3 months after we've stopped using them, to be sure. Anyone who doesn't do the same is irresponsible IMPO.



    Finally, I'm unclear as to what relevance a threesome has to STDs? Do you think people who have threesomes also always practice unsafe sex? Do you think they are somehow morally loose?.. That's the impression I get from that connection.
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659
    Quoted:
    Surely you should know about a partners sexual history in order to assess the risk of an STD ...only then you can decide whether you or he needs a sexual health check ??? Sorry to sound clinical !

    Also shouldn't you also be checking whether you are sexually compatible and want the same things...many people suppress their desires and even fetishes and I wouldn't want that with someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with.


    Well said image



    You need to look out for yourself until you know where the other has been! You should also be able to decide if one of you can live without your favourite sexual practice if it's not the other's cup of tea.
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