Housemate/Lodger doing my nut!!

Really need to vent before I accidently murder my housemate!

I moved in with my other half about 18 months ago, and we're getting married in August this year. When I moved in his friend was living here already, but it has got to the point where I cannot stand living here anymore and I don't know what to do as it's now causing arguments between me and h2b, and I don't know what to do!

The lodger was initially supposed to move in for 6 months, as his ex kicked him out. He's been here 3 years.. He has no job, does nothing around the house, pays minimal rent and helps himself to all household products. We once went away on holiday for a week, and there were about three sheets of loo roll left. When we got back there were none.. how he managed I don't want to know. He is like a teenager, leaves washing up in his room for days then dumps it on the side of the kitchen, can't work a hoover, plays drum and bass (not my style of music anyway) through the floor of his room. Worst of all he is a pot head, and actually had the audacity to start growing weed in our house!!!! When I found out (due to him asking me to water his plants when he went away!!??!?) he called me selfish for making him get rid of them!!! He has a girlfriend who he argues with regularly. They shout and throw things at each other. I had PTSD as a teenager, and so any rows and banging cause me massive anxiety, and I'm normally in tears hiding in my bedroom.

I have bitten my tongue and tried to remain polite and nice, giving him lifts (yes really) and picking up after him, but I cannot take any more. Him and my h2b have been friends for 25 years, but its got to the point where I am resenting him for the situation, and can't understand why he would be friends with someone like that! I want to move out, but he doesn't want me to. We are starting a family soon (hopefully) and he has asked him to move out at the end of June, but I genuinely feel I can't last that long! I don't know what to do! I feel unsupported by my h2b, but it's such a horrible situation for him; he is the sweetest person on the planet, hates confrontation, and has spoken to the housemate about things in the past, but he ignores it. I don't know what I want h2b to do, as anything he does that will make a difference may ruin their friendship. It's a no win situation, and it's awful. I can't even sleep properly at the moment!

I think normally it might be handle-able, but with the stress of wedding planning, work (I work for Social Services which is brilliant, but can be emotionally draining), and trying to get pregnant, it's all a bit much! I want to come home and relax, but I just cant!

Advice please!!

xxx

Posts

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    Massively sympathise with this. Mr N moved his mate in when he split up with his wife, before I moved in. It worked while Mr N was working in London for 6 days on with 6 days off because the house was never empty. But we know his daughter has used the place for parties, he eats any goodies we leave in the fridge, never EVER does any cleaning and drinks any alcohol we leave down stairs. Any booze we have has to be hidden. He's a lovely guy, on meds for depression and I know Mr N doesn't want to ruin things by saying you need to leave now to a mate (and usher!). But I've reached the end of my tether and when we Mr N gets home and has had time to relax I will be saying he has a deadline of 6 months to move from the date we get married. He is, allegedly, on the housing list but the application form is still in the drawer...no idea what to say other than be strong and say enough is enough, time to plant your flag in your own pad now. To make it worse, our other spare room is too small for a decent bed with all my stuff crammed in so any guests have to stay in a hotel since I moved up north from the midlands. 

  • JodielouJodielou Posts: 4,058

    You poor thing! That sounds like a total nightmare! He's clearly taking advantage of your h2b's (and your) good nature, and you need to get tough with him. Two months' notice is long enough, so I definitely think you should bring the date forward to the end of May. I'd do two things in your situation- firstly, even though he's a lodger/ friend of your h2b, some form of written notice would be a good idea. I know it sounds extreme, but calling Shelter or your local CAB for some legal advice is a must, just in case he drags his feet or refuses to leave. It's best to anticipate these things! Secondly, I'd be proactive and actually help him find somewhere else to live + get everything in order- if you show him details of other rooms to rent locally every couple of days he can't pretend like it's not happening! Good luck xx

  • God I know this is mean, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation! Our third bedroom is also tiny, so we can't have anyone stay! And housemate is an usher too! Tbh I've reached the stage where I don't even want him at the wedding, but I'll paste on a smile! I'm sure I won't notice him in my happiness bubble! I just don't understand how someone who is 40 years old can think how he is behaving is acceptable! Do you think you'd ever confront Mr N's mate?

  • Jodielou,

    I think you're right, I need to be a bit proactive and start helping him find somewhere! I'm a bit worried though, as there is obvious tension from me (I think? It must be coming off me in waves!) and I don't want to hurt their friendship! I am worried about him just not going; he hasn't looked at anywhere or done anything yet, and there is no way that h2b will just kick him out! The problem is, he only pays £200 rent a month here, which includes everything, so I think there is little chance he'll find anywhere else that price. He was supposed to pay £300, but because he was in a pickle, h2b reduced it so he could save the rest for a deposit on his own flat. Of course, over the three years he has been here, he hasn't saved a penny of that... Argh!! I will start looking though, as it's worth a shot!

    xx

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    Mrs Hill, I don't think I would because -) he's a really nice guy b) I don't want to interfere. I don't really know him as he hides in his room drinking and sleeping all the time. One day I came home to find all the lights on, all the doors unlocked, the freezer wide open and everything defrosted and the bottle of brandy I bought for my Christmas cake all gone - except what he'd spilt on the floor and not cleaned up. I tell you what, reading your posts its exactly like our situation and I'd swear we're in the same house! It's hard because I know he's hit hard times. If he was my friend it would be different but I don't want to step in between mr n and one of his best mates. Really, it has to come from Mr N to say right, time to move now! But it will be a case of if you don't tell him nicely, I will and it won't be nice. Hopefully that will motivate him to have a word. He's asked in the past to replace things he's eaten or drank but Mr N is never home long enough to realise that it never happens! It's not stress you need with trying for a baby too. 

  • It sounds like you're coping with your nightmare situation a lot better than me! I've forgotten that I ever liked him! It is so difficult isn't it! I feel like I can't even ask him to shut the door behind him to the garage, or clear up the pot of 'compost' (mould) he has in the utility room, as I'm worried about what it will escalate to, and it's not my place! H2B has asked him to do that loads of times anyway, and he'll do it once, then never again!

    The thing is, I can't feel sorry for the housemate, as he's been offered so many opportunities, and he hasn't had it tough, he's just never grown up. He's never had a job for more than a couple of months, never had his own place etc, he's always just sponged off his friends.

    God, I feel like such a horrible person; I don't ever get like this with people, I get on with pretty much everyone, and I've never been in a situation like this before! I just want to run away! lol

    xx

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Do you rent the house or does your OH own it?

    If he owns it you could go through an agency and say if he wants to stay he would need to sign a 6 month contract for x amount a month. (Put him off and show your serious)

    If you rent you could move to somewhere else.

    I completely understand where you are coming from, my OH and I moved out of our last home due to someone we just couldn't get on with. I think it was the best thing we did.

  • Me and H2B own it (he owned it prior to me moving in, now it's joint). It says something that I'm willing to move out my own home just to get away from him!! lol! xx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    i know it might not help but maybe have a chores list and shopping list? it may seem petty and no doubt the boys will say its petty but mention that even though u r female u have a job and everything should be equal including the upkeep of the house/flat

    my hubbys close friend came to stay with us for 2 weeks as his partner kicked him out (so was just until he found somewhere else - or made up which is what happened) this was a few weeks before the wedding so u can imagine the tension! but i made a chores list - everything that needed to be done weekly or daily and said each person has to do atleast 3 chores per week (and a daily chore of general tidying upkeep or at least 1 room of the house each but not their own bedroom - make hubby clean the friends bedroom and few mentions of being a slob might hit harder than coming from u?) otherwise the person got fined. we also charged very low rent (£100) but the boys got so fed up of having to do chores that it made them want to move out quicker and gave me a clean house (mostly money tho). maybe try that and see how it goes? might give more responsibility and a realisation that if he lived by himself he wouldnt have to do all that?

    moto should be 'my way or highway' and 'no ifs, buts or coconuts'

  • I would love to do that, but I just don't have the guts! He has been asked to contribute in the past, but even simple tasks, like keeping the door shut when the heating is on, are just beyond him! He just wouldn't do it, even if there was a list, and he doesn't have any money to be fined with.

    I know I'm being difficult but it's reached the stage where I cannot stand it, and can barely be civil to him! I don't know what I'm going to do until the end of June!!

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