problem bridesmaid

my moh cant attend anything, she says its due to childcare, but her husband sent a vile text asking me to stop asking her to things as everything revolves round lunch and drinks, he says she cant afford it, its him being controlling. we were meant to go to my dress fitting she couldn't go as bridal party were all going for drinks and lunch, same with a recent wedding fayre. problem is she doesn't know other bridesmaids and cant join in anything which will make it difficult on the day.  iv invited her and her husband to mine with other members of bridal party, but she says she cant come as cant bring anything along, my friends always bring something which I dont expect but she said she would feel awkward not doing that. what should I do. 

Posts

  • NozomiNozomi Posts: 161

    Can you just arrange dinner at yours with your bridesmaids and make dinner for them all? That way no one has to bring anything and it's just a casual meet up? 

    And/or just offer to go to hers for a cup of tea and talk it through with her, there might be more going on that you know about if you haven't manged to see her for a while? 

  • julie138julie138 Posts: 4
    Nozomi wrote (see post):

    Can you just arrange dinner at yours with your bridesmaids and make dinner for them all? That way no one has to bring anything and it's just a casual meet up? 

    And/or just offer to go to hers for a cup of tea and talk it through with her, there might be more going on that you know about if you haven't manged to see her for a while? 

     

  • julie138julie138 Posts: 4

    iv invited her for dinner but her husband keeps saying theyv made arrangements she tells me different. he also doesn't like people I house

  • Mrs..C..2beMrs..C..2be Posts: 318 New bride

    It sounds like you friend is in a very abusive and controlling relationship. I anticipate he probably isn't happy about her being a bridesmaid and is making things very difficult for her deliberately. One tactic that abusive men use to exert maximum control is to isolate their partner from others. Being disapproving of her going out, making it awkward for people to come round etc are all classic behaviours. It would not surprise me if he also bad mouths you and her other friends. It sounds like your friend isn't at the stage where she wants to do anything about the abusive relationship and she is probably trying to appease him by making excuses such as childcare. Your friend probably would love to be a part of things but perhaps she recognises that her husband wouldn't approve. It's sounds like you have been trying to fit things round her financial situation like inviting her for tea etc. But it might be that the finances thing is again a cover for her dissapproving hubby. Does she ever really do anything socially without her husband? It might be that she struggles to attend any planning related things if not. If she does do stuff without him and finances are an issue for her perhaps you could offer to buy her a coffee or take the children to the local park and spend some time catching up? I've been a bridesmaid before where the hen do was the first time the bridesmaids had properly met and the wedding wasn't long after. I agree it's nice if the maids can all get to know each other etc but even when they do have opportunity to socialise doesn't mean they will necessarily get on. Having a read of some other bridesmaid posts is evidence enough. So I wouldn't worry too much about her not knowing the others but i would maybe have a chat about how she might get om sorting bridesmaid dress, whther she can come to hen etc x

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    Poor you & poor friend, whatever the situation is.  Also dont think the husband should have got involved as he did, its just rude!

    The fact is that if she is going to be your MOH she will have to meet up at some point for dresses etc.  

    Have you tried switching the question around, asking her what date she can meet up with you?  

    You could sell it as a catch up, just the 2 of you, doesnt have to involve any money being spent & then once youve got her, then talk wedding away from husband of course, so at her house may not be a good option.

  • MrsM3MrsM3 Posts: 138

    hmm that's difficult.  I wonder if he's being controlling or she's moaning?  Only you would know that.  Maybe speak to her and see if she wants the MOH/bridesmaid role?

    X

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