Bridesmaid announced she's pregnant and due a week after wedding

E7E7 Posts: 2

Hi everyone, 

Just want to get some opinions/support. I announced my engagement over 6 months ago and asked one of my closest friends from university to be a bridesmaid. She said she was thrilled and felt honoured to have been asked. As girly chats go, we always talk about our futures etc and she very much alluded to the fact that babies were a while off for her. However,she is pregnant, the baby was very much planned and is due a week after my wedding, which means she is more than likely now unable to be a bridesmaid (I am fine with this) but also is likely to mean that she is now also unable to attend my wedding full stop. 

Whilst I am thrilled for her and her husband, I feel so sad and a little heartbroken that this person is now likely to not be part of my wedding. I don't have a massive group of girlfriends and it was so important and special for me that she was a part of it - saying I feel let down sounds so incredibly awful - I know babies are a joy. I haven't demanded anything from my bridesmaids - I wanted them to just enjoy the experience with me. It's just timing which has made me so sad - if the baby was due a couple of weeks before or after, then she would likely still be able to make it. 

Has anyone experienced this and known how to deal with it? I am being an adult and trying to not let it affect our friendship - and I know everyone will say babies trump weddings - but I was so there for her wedding a couple of years ago and I just wanted it to be one day where she would 100% support me in person. 

Advice would be great. Thanks in advance. 

Posts

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Chances are she can still attend the wedding. Shell be big and most likely a bit uncomfortable but I think in the whole most women go a bit overdue, especially with first babies?

    If baby comes before the wedding theres not much that can be done, and as you said, baby trumps a wedding and while its ok to be disappointed that a friend may not make your wedding, their own lives are their priority.

    But try not to worry too much, has she said she wont come? I think theres a very good chance she will be there, even if its not in a bridesmaid capacity.

  • sugarmousesugarmouse Posts: 189

    I really feel for you E7 I understand that whilst on one hand you feel happy for her on the other hand the timing couldn't be worse, but there is still a reasonable chance she will be there. First babies are more likely than their younger siblings to be late and having something to look forward to will be a fantastic focus for her when she is frankly sick of carting baby around.

    I don't know if I can offer any useful advice. Just let her know you would be sad if she couldn't be there for your wedding but you are really happy for her and her husband. Suggest you might want to go and look for a suitable outfit for her in case she is able to make it, and make sure the venue has plenty of towels.

    Whatever happens make sure you talk plenty before and after the wedding.

  • LittlespiceLittlespice Posts: 665

    I'm in a similar situation. The only advice I can give is it is fine to be sad about it. It is possible to be thrilled for her on one level and also disappointed about the timing so don't feel bad for how you're feeling! 

    Two other things:

    1) don't tell her youre disappointed she won't be there, she probably feels bad enough. Arrange something else you can do with her to make her feel included and you to feel she is involved. Could she go dress shopping with you, or to your hair trial or something?

    2) other people's babies do not trump your wedding on your wedding day! i don't think anyone will say babies trump weddings, (unless in some far fetched circumstance where your wedding has some direct impact on the welfare of a child!) 

    You'll get used to the idea of her not being there before the big day comes and youll have a great day, I bet!

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Hi E7,

    I can sympathise completely.  My oldest friend who I have grown up with is due on the 5th of May with her first, our wedding is on the 25th of May.  Her baby was very much planned.  She was never my bridesmaid (that's another story) but she was / is still a very important part of our day.  When she announced her pregnancy I felt like you, let down, heartbroken that she may not be there to share the day with me etc, but you do feel better in time.  I never thought I'd get my head around it but I have and I am in a place now where I support her and her pregnancy fully and am very involved with her as she is me and my wedding.  We know there is a possibility that she wont make the day, but if she doesn't then we look forward to the day where we are all snuggled up together with her new baby watching my wedding DVD with junk food and wine!

    I have also had a BM drop out due to falling pregnant but its totally different circumstances.  Hers wasn't planned and a total shock and she has been extremely poorly so I wouldn't want her to feel pressured and want her to do whatever will suit her for the day which is attend as a guest.

    It does take time to get your head around these things, you have expectations built up in your mind and you are within your right to feel deflated and sad when your plans don't go how you expected them too.  With time I hope you will feel better but don't feel bad for feeling the way you are.  xxx

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201
    E7 wrote (see post):

    if the baby was due a couple of weeks before or after, then she would likely still be able to make it. 

     

    I disagree - most first babies are late so chances are if she was due a week or two before your wedding then she would definitely not be there! In my experience (I am a midwife) it is fairly uncommon (obviously it does happen) for babies to be early so she could be waiting another 3 weeks after your wedding until she actually has it!

    Has she outright said that she wont come because of the pregnancy? If so, assuming the wedding is local, I would encourage her to go as it will be something to get out the house for and to look forward to and take her mind off being pregnant. Even if it is just for the ceremony and a couple of hours after.

  • There is a chance she'll make the wedding so don't give up hope yet. The average first baby is 8 days late I believe. I know someone that attended a family wedding whilst heavily pregnant (and with pre-elcampsia), and another who went to a wedding with her 2 week old baby. So there are options. (And if the baby is born on your wedding day then that would be lovely!).

    She probably didn't tell anyone they were trying - the last thing you need is the stress of having people ask you if you're pregnant all the time. The timing isn't great but these things happen.

    It's just one of those things. Use the 'prior warning' as an opportunity to get her involved in stuff where you can. It could be much worse - imagine she got an awful sickness bug the day before instead and couldn't make it. 

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Oh E7, I do feel for you! 

    Whilst I didn't have any heavily pregnant bridesmaids on my wedding day, I can totally relate to how you're feeling in terms of the prospect of your friend not being there for you. I had some of my closest friends pull out of our wedding after accepting the invite, one because her mum had booked a surprise trip to America who obviously wasn't aware of the date, and another decided she would rather get a nose job (yes, really...not so close to her anymore)!

    I did end up shedding a few tears because I felt so disappointed and frustrated they would miss my special day when they knew when it was and had RSVP'd with a yes, however, I didn't end up missing those who couldn't make it at all. I know that sounds really harsh, especially when these people are a big part of your life, but you're so busy with your new husband (I assume!) and spending time with all of your guests, you only focus on who is there, not who isn't. You don't have time to miss people. In fact, once I had got to the church, my bridesmaids were the people I spent the least time with for the rest of the day as everyone else was pulling me from pillar to post! It is very easy to get wrapped up in these thoughts and feelings before the day happens, but trust me on that one 

    I agree with the other ladies that it is probably best to bury your feelings in front of your friend. I think it's unfair of you to think that because you were there for her that she should be there for you - I know it's probably just your emotions talking as you seem like a lovely and reasonable person, but she can't really help that she was married first and a while ago at that. Speaking from a more personal level, I have also alluded to friends that we *may* start trying for babies in 2018. The truth is that my husband and I hope to start our TTC before then; I just don't want people watching me with baited breath, and I will continue to not indulge anyone with precise details, not even my best friends because of this. 

    Don't put too much pressure on the situation and see what happens. You can still involve your friend in your wedding plans in the coming months if you want her to be and she may be there on the day itself and all this fuss will be for nothing! Instead focus on all the wonderful things happening in your life that aren't affected by her pregnancy: you will still get married and you will still have the best day of your life! So actually, does her pregnancy really affect anything? Just food for thought! x

  • E7E7 Posts: 2

    Thanks so much everyone. I am really happy for her - just she was also so excited about being involved. I think she will be a little sad too in a way if she can't get there, although obviously overjoyed that a little person will be around. 

    It's certainly a big year for both of us - so going to focus on the fact that we are both celebrating milestones & be happy about that. Like someone said also, doesn't mean we can't share photos over a glass of wine or two later...! Just disappointment that got me. And as for the wedding...I am getting to marry the love of my life and can't wait to be his wife, so that's all that matters :) 

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