Sister in law from hell!

hi guys hope u can help me... It's been a upsetting 5 months... Me and my partner of 6 years got enagged last july year.. Super excited about getting married have always decided to get married in 2018... Low and behold his brother who has been with his girlfriend for 16 years decided to get engaged out the blue... When they've always said it isn't for us.... Now they've decided to get married in 2018.. Haven't asked how we feel. I can't help but feel so upset.:. Would anyone else be upset? 

Posts

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    No, unless theyve chosen the same date when they already knew yours (and by date I mean day, not year).

    Theyre just as entitled as you to get married if they want and when they want, it doesnt affect you in any way does it?

    When this is talked about it seems to be brides getting upset because they feel like their thunder is being stolen. But really, there is no thunder.

    People get married all the time, the fact that other people are getting married in the same year as you doesnt change that your day will be special to you. And theirs special to them. Nobody else is going to care, theyre just going to go to 2 weddings and enjoy both of them as seperate events, which is what they are.

    Have you been upset about this for 5 months? Im going to guess there are other issues as your SIL getting married isnt enough to earn her the title of SIL from hell.

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Also did you check how other people would feel before you decided to get married? Why should they ask you? Would you have liked to ask them not to get married, or to wait another year?

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    well we're actually getting married abroad, so could only just book it. But the couple said we would talk on dates and we never we just go a save the date 

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    Yes there has been other issues with this lady, I don't like drama and just want to enjoy our day. But as soon as we booked it , she wanted to talk to me the next day as she thinks there's issues, 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Well I cant comment of the other issues and whether they would annoy me, but I think you just need to focus on your wedding. On that front it doesnt seem like theres any reason to be upset.

    It really doesnt make yours any more special if you reserve the whole year as your wedding year, and its not any less special is somebody else gets married in 2018.

    You enjoy youre planning, let them enjoy theirs, and itll all be fine.

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    thank u for your advise xx

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    Yes i would have been, i hate it when special things happen too close. This happened to me when i fell pregnant for the first time having married the eldest most precious son and grandson of the family expected to have my baby fidst so it would be the first gradchild but no, my sil got  pregnant the year before me and then my sister announced 3 months before me.  It totally stole my thunder and i had to live with thier gloating since. 

     

    Happlily the sil is no longer my sil as divorced now and my h2b has no family at all so i get all the limelight this time.  

     

    I feel your pain and anoyance.  

  • Lucy266Lucy266 Posts: 176

    MrsJ2017 is completely sensible as usual, you are focusing on this and it's taking you away from enjoying a very happy time, try to move past it.

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    You don't own the year 2018! People are free to get married when they want. Don't let this ruin your happiness, pour all your energy into making your wedding the best day of your life.

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 820 New bride

    Are they within a couple of weeks of each other? If not, I fail to see how you can be upset. People get married all the time and it doesn't make your day any less special. But that's all it is - 1 day. Don't spoil it by dwelling on  your sister in law, it will only be what you make it. Throw yourself into enjoying your own planning.

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    Well it's so happens now cuz she booked her day that they won't be able to make our wedding abroad.. Which is awful for my other half as his brother wont be able to make It.. But yes I want to concentrate on mine weve booked Mexico but got down trodden by her message saying we need words.... I'm not a drama person... And want to enjoy my own wedding. Just feel like you been together so many years why do u have to do this right now??? Fully aware we was always doing it abroad and she's booked hers so they wont be able to make it 

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 820 New bride

    Sounds to me like this is between the 2 brothers, and if there is an issue or he is upset about then he needs to have a word with his brother himself. It doesn't sound like this will be sorted between you two.

  • Kate163Kate163 Posts: 2

    I've had a similar thing. 

    My bestfriend is getting married the same year and it's been fabulous. We do lots of planning and shopping and it's so fun doing things together. I wouldn't change this for anything.

    A close cousin is marrying two weeks before me, and again, every time I speak to them it's great happy, celebrating times where we joke about the perils of wedding planning.

    My future SIL and brother however, it's the complete opposite. They got engaged after us, booked their wedding date for a month before ours, and it's resulted in nothing but stress, money loss and nasty comments. 

    Willing to bet there's a theme here. You pick your friends, you grow with your family, SILs are neither. 

    Don't let them take up your thoughts. It is hard. I've found it's destroyed me, but we need to remember what's important at the end of the day. Be kind, show love and have an amazing wedding with your new husband. You're building a new family and this is where your energy should go. 

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,791 New bride

    You're not 100% clear on why they can't now attend your wedding- is it because of money? I imagine a trip to Mexico for your wedding will be a strain on them if they are getting married within a few months of you. Unfortunatley that is the gamble you take with getting married abroad (especially long haul)- people may have other priorities for their holiday days and money. I understand it's disappointing but if they want to get married you can't ask them to put their own lives on hold for the sake of your wedding.

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    No they have the money.. Money isn't the issue, as she is looking at where I've booked for her own honey moon. xx

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    Wouldn't mine but she doeant even have a engagement ring... 

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    Thanks for all your support. It's so hard when your not a negative person.... I meet new people everyday and can always see both sides but I'm really struggling with this xx

  • I think there is a difference between them wanting to go somewhere on honeymoon and being able to afford to go on holiday for someone elses wedding.I know if I had the choice between marrying my OH and going on honeymoon just the 2 of us, and going to someone elses wedding abroad, my priority would be myself (as selfish as it sounds) . Like Sammy said if you want to get married abroad then you run the risk of it not being people's priority and therefore not going.

    As the others have said you aren't being overly clear about the reasons they can't now come to your wedding in Mexico, which makes it difficult for us to give you help. But you can't control when people get married, nor can you expect them to put their lives on hold. If they have decided to get married next year, then you will need to deal with that. It will have no bearing on your own day, by the sounds of it, given your day will be in Mexico the days will be very very different.

    Are there bigger, underlying issues that mean she is the sister in law from hell - I mean she has decided to get married next year, which you're taking as an inconvenience, but I don't know if that means she is the SIL from hell? Why is your BIL not the BIL from hell too? I assume he has agreed to this date and has agreed to get married next year?

  • Mrs NeekMrs Neek Posts: 445 New bride

    I agree with all the ladies, there's no point stressing over this. Yes she is getting married the same year as you, so what,  there will probably be other people close to you who may also decide to get married the same year, it's one of those things you can't control. Don't allow this to ruin your own plans. You're getting married abroad so your weddings will be different. Planning a wedding is already stressful so there's no point worrying over something like this. Pick and choose your battles. If she planned to get married the same day, venue and country as you then you have every right to be annoyed but unfortunately it's just one of those things you're going to have to let go of. My advice limit the amount of information you give to her with regards to your own planning xx

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,791 New bride
    FutureMrsEllis wrote (see post):

    I think there is a difference between them wanting to go somewhere on honeymoon and being able to afford to go on holiday for someone elses wedding.I know if I had the choice between marrying my OH and going on honeymoon just the 2 of us, and going to someone elses wedding abroad, my priority would be myself (as selfish as it sounds) .

    Yes, this- I know it's hard to see it from their perspective when you are upset about the situation, but you are asking a lot of people to get them to come to Mexico for a wedding. Personally we are spending a fair bit on our wedding and honeymoon and it might look to others like 'we have the money'- but if we were invited to a wedding in Mexico this year there is no way we could afford to go!

    It's disappointing for you but as brides we all face similar situations. My sister had a baby last year and this has totally taken over to my mums life to the point she pays very little attention to my wedding- despite the fact that when my sister got married it was all she cared about. Your wedding is the biggest deal ever to you, but other people will carry on with the lives and may do things that 'overshadow' your day. You just need to focus on marrying each other and on the people that will be there on the day.

  • Totally get where your coming froom. Im in similar situation. My and my OH have been together 10 years. And announced were getting mariied next june. Booked date etc. 

    Then out of the blue his sister who has only been with her bloke 3 month decided they are getting married too ! Shes getting married in 2 weeks time but its not the point. All this time since anoucing ours its like i cant even talk about our wedding etc. Coz i just look like a crazy jelous person since hers is 1st.

    Iv been putting off doing loads of stuff i.e save the dated. Just sitting in the cupboard coz i will just look stupid handing them out to his family when her wedding is 2 weeks away ? 

    I mean it could just be me. But i know how your feeling girl !! I know some of the others are saying we dont own the year 2018 but blody hell if your planning something big like this. At least she could of picked the year before or after or different season !

    Stay strong... p.s. dont talk about your wedding or things your doing as if she is getting married 1st guarantee everything you told her youbare doing she will do the same ! 

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    I've read this thread with interest as I have a similar situation in that I have got engaged after my friend but have chosen a date just a few weeks before hers next year. This was not intentional and I would hate it if I thought she was devastated or hurt over it. Everyone is as excited about her wedding as they are mine (we have different friendships groups anyway) and she has had a longer engagement so she has had about 15 months of me not being engaged at the same time and her wedding is totally planned now.

    I would've got married this year but H2B doesn't want to rush things and I certainly didn't want to wait until 2019. We wanted a Summer wedding and one that doesn't clash with other events so it happened to end up being very close to my friends.

    I plan to make sure that nothing clashes and/or overshadows hers i.e. hen dos, our honeymoon and will avoid doing anything similar in my plans. 

    OP - I think branding your SIL the SIL from hell is quite strong and I feel people should be able to get married when and where they want but I can understand if her plans to get married have meant this affects yours in a big way with regards to your guests etc. Weddings abroad are always a bit of a minefield anyway as although they may be able to afford it, not everyone wants to pay the money for it since they don't always see it as a holiday the way a bride and groom might view it

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I think you are taking this too personally. They are allowed to get married when they want to; if it was the week before your wedding I could perhaps understand but you cannot dictate their wedding plans

    We honeymooned in Mexico so I happen to know how expensive it is to go there, but if it's not about the money for them it may just be logistics etc. 

    Just concentrate on your own wedding and don't let them ruin the experience for you . 

  • Clare163Clare163 Posts: 12

    Thanks for all your support., x

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    I can't see a problem with your sister in law's wedding being the same year as yours... Even If it was a week apart I can't see it being a problem.

    Good on them for finally deciding to get married, what a wonderful occasion to celebrate especially as they have been together for so long!  

    It's up to you if you go to theirs and vice versa.

    I once went to 4 weddings in one year and enjoyed every single one of them..... Love a wedding as I am sure everyone else does.

    It would be totally different if it was on the same day!

     

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