Living together

Hi i was just wondering how many wife's live apart from their husband?  We are getting married next year but cannot afford to get a house together so we will still be living apart is this wrong?  We want to marry so my nana can be here to see it

Posts

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    If it works for the two of you, then it's not wrong.

    Some years ago, a study suggested that couples that do not cohabit are less likely to divorce than those that do so, weirdly, it may go in your favour.

    (For the record, I live with the manshape).

    X

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I don't think anything is 'wrong' nowadays, it's whatever works for you. Personally I never quite  understand people getting married before they buy a house as to us as a couple, a house is more important and more of a commitment but I understand your reason why you're looking to do it the other way around. That's just my opinion with my situation though and not judging anyone else before this starts a mass fight!! 

  • Mrs17Mrs17 Posts: 782 New bride

    I completely agree with Helen225, i think these days anything goes! Although I personally wouldn't marry before living with someone - you see another side to someone once you live with them and find out all their funny little habits and quirks! 

  • mrspea2bemrspea2be Posts: 275 New bride

    I love the idea of being traditional, and really do think its what ever works for you, there is no right or wrong way of doing things (unless you ask my nana who recoils in horror at the fact we live in sin currently). Personally for me, I wouldn't do it, infact a couple me and h2b are friends with have got engaged and don't live together, and they argue constantly , we have both said they will never live with each other !. I think you only get to know someone and what ticks you off about them when you have lived together a while, and its if you can then out up with that for life ! . but they say marriage needs hard work and commitment, and I'm sure you can make it work for you xx

  • FutureMRS TFutureMRS T Posts: 108

    It depends on the couple, I have lived with my H2B for 2 years and very happy I did, it allowed us to understand each other better i.e habit wise etc. Some people don't believe in living together before marriage my parents didn't but I swayed them around! I'm glad I did as it has secured my H2B and I's relationship. We understand each other more! It feels like we are married even though we are not married yet. 

    In fact there was an article on the daily mail about this the other day.

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    Just in case anybody is a source-stickler:

    http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/divorce-statistics.html

    This is, broadly speaking, where I got it from. Obviously, it is an American statistical analysis. I'm not sure if the same applies to British couples (or those from other parts of the world for that matter).

  • Dora3Dora3 Posts: 1,218

    I've lived with H2B for 6 and a half years. We moved in together after 18months as we only saw each other twice a week due to the distance between us. When we decided to live together we took a 6 month tenancy out as we knew it would be a big change and wanted to make sure it worked. Now we own our own home and are used to each other annoying habits.

    Theres no right or wrong way to do things though. My sister is married with a child and renting. For us, we wanted to own our own property before getting married and that's what weve done.  

  • My husband and I had already been married for 6 months by the time we moved in together! Not ideal (or intentional really) but due to circumstances with jobs in different cities it just wasn't feasible before then. We spent our weekends together in one or others house and we had been together for over 10 years with prolonged periods of travelling together abroad (now that really is a test of a relationship!) so I wasn't too worried about 'not properly knowing' my husband. 

    I understand people who say that financially a house would be their priority over a wedding, but like you I had family health concerns that meant we bought the wedding forward almost a year. Within 4 months of our wedding we lost 3 close family members and so I will never regret our decision - it was absolutely right for us and I will be forever grateful that those loved ones were able to celebrate with us. 

    As I said, my husband and I have been together a long time and have spent months at a time travelling together to get to know all those habits and quirks that often go unnoticed when you don't live together. People get married within months of meeting who wouldn't know their partner as well as we knew each other so while it made sense for us, it is something to really think about it before making a decision either way.

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    Weve lived together for about 8 years, 3 kids, getting married in december. We dont own a house though, thats one thing we disagree on. He wants to buy and I dont, I see renting as freedom to move whenever we like, wherever we like without worrying about buying and selling. And a house is just something for the kids to fight over once were both dead. He disagrees, he thinks itll be better to own, but I just dont see it. Ive so far never seen anyone benefit from owning a house, only people struggling to sell, people in negative equity, and families arguinh and stressing over what to do with grannys house and who gets what, even when theres a will.

    Anyway, I wouldnt personally marry someone having never lived with them, you dont realise just how bloody annoying they are until you do 😂 Also wouldnt like to be apart from them. But if it works for you then thats all that matters.

  • TheLegacyofMrsMTheLegacyofMrsM Posts: 2,187 New bride

    I think it's sad MrsJ that you've never seeing anyone happy owning a house. They are a lot of responsibility, but I made £90k from my first house in 4 years and the value on my current house has gone up £40k in the 2 years I've owned it. Those injections of cash have allowed me to work part time at 31 and enjoy a much better work life balance. I had lots of problems with landlords and deposits etc when I rented, none of which you get when you own. 

    Back to the actual thread though, personally I would never marry someone I haven't lived with. Both my husband and I had long term relationships with people previously, we both lived with them for years and the difference in routines, personality and priorities meant making compromises so big everyone ends up unhappy. You don't know how compatible you are as a couple until you live together. To the point where my husband and I made a point of renting for 6 months together before agreeing to buy together as we needed to know if we could live together without commitment. Luckily it clicked, we agreed to get married after 3 months living together. From personal experience of strongly say live together first. 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017
    TheLegacyofMrsM wrote (see post):

    I think it's sad MrsJ that you've never seeing anyone happy owning a house. They are a lot of responsibility, but I made £90k from my first house in 4 years and the value on my current house has gone up £40k in the 2 years I've owned it. Those injections of cash have allowed me to work part time at 31 and enjoy a much better work life balance. I had lots of problems with landlords and deposits etc when I rented, none of which you get when you own.

     

    Sad for them I suppose MrsM, but I genuinely cant see how owning would improve our lives.  I only know 2 people who seem to have done well from owning, and both of those were given houses by their parents and went on to sell.

    For instance, my mum divorced  and lost her home in the process when the husband declared himself bankrupt. My stepmum and dad divorced and their lovely house will one day be sold when the kids have reached 18, which is just wildly unfair for my stepmum. MIL has wanted to move house for years but her house just isnt selling, so shes trapped. A friend bought a house with his girlfriend, they split and both lost a lot of money when they had to sell. A cousin has a house sat empty costing him money because he had to move to london for work and he doesnt want to sell for less than he paid. H2bs nan died and MIL dealt with selling her house and found it so stressful that she was signed off work sick and eventually lost her job (she got it back after a few months but less money), and then each sister only ended up with 5k anyway, and they all fell out over it.

    At the moment we are doing well, Ive been a stay at home mum for 7 years, and working part time for a year, we are renting a nice house with a good landlord who sees to repairs quickly, were allowed to decorate etc. But best of all, if we ever decided we wanted or needed to move we could do it easily and painlessly with a months notice. So we are free.

    Maybe one day we might buy, but as first time buyers I think we would be downgrading and only have to sell and move to a bigger house again in a few years, and I justt dont see the benefits of it, beyond being able to do what you like to the structure.

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    personnally i think its the wrong way round to buy a house then get married the same as having children out of wedlock! My mum used to laugh at my sisters years ago when they married because they were both pregnant before they were married and i did it the right way round.  Both shotgun weddings as we used to say!   Ive been cohabitating this time for nearly two years and i hate it that i had to!  Im not even christian! 

     

  • Mrs NeekMrs Neek Posts: 445 New bride

    To the OP I don't see anything wrong with it, yes it isn't ideal but you have to do what's best for you guys. Myself and my H2B don't live together, we both still live at home and intend to buy after the wedding. There's been a few complications with regards to securing a mortgage so we're just trying to sort that out, which means once we're married we'll be living apart for a few months even as husband and wife. As I said it isn't ideal (I've had sleepless nights trying to figure out other options) but neither of us want to rent we both feel it would be a waste of money (my opinion) especially when we've worked hard to save for a deposit. So we agreed we would both move back home for a short time (we've set a goal to be out of our parents home 4 months after the wedding). I can't go and live at his parents because my work is in Essex and hubby lives in South London so the distance would be too much on both parts, also I plan to return back to university in September so location is key. Neither of us is worried about how we will cope living together we already predict there being petty arguments and annoying habits lool. We've been together 5yrs, travelled and we're pretty much at each others houses every weekend. So we know we will find a way to make it work :)

  • PinguinPinguin Posts: 141

    not wrong at all, many couples I know dont live together for lots of reasons (both owned their own house and dont want to merge yet, work distance issues, previous divorce, not wanting to upset live at home childen from previous relationships, caring for a relative full time and thats just a few)

    do what works for you, I personally find it can be healthy if you both have your own space

  • Heather136Heather136 Posts: 3

    Thank you all for the advice,  we do plan to live together in the future but for now its not affordable x

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