Am i right to be worried she will let me down again

Hi ladies bit of a long one so bare with me

Known my close friend nearly 17 years now and shes always been a "topper" as i call it. Anything you can do i can do better. It doesnt matter how big or small my news is kim will find a way to "top" it. I could be cooking a homemade curry for dinner and shes got jamie oliver coming over in nothing but an apron to cook her a sausage sarnie! I say im going to spain for my holiday and shes going for a long weekend to rome in 2 days time so shes got to get packing now but doesnt end up going because the pilot had a cough! I find it hilarious some of the things she says, its comical makes me chuckle and i particularly love it see her red faced when her so called plans dont materialise into anything. Shes got a heart of gold and will do anything for anyone... as long as she doesnt have to do anything that is! Shes 45 and im nearly 32 and we used to work together when i started my first saturday job at 14 but she doesnt act her age by any means.

I think her highly dramatic and very exaggerated way comes from her dull home life which she goes to great lies to try to make sound exciting. She is a stay at home mum and her partner is very controlling (iv known the relationship for 14 years and im not knocking it as i know she likes the nature of it) he doesnt want her getting a job and gives her £40 week allowance to kid her quiet which I find odd but shes fine with as shes never been the type to work solidly for a living. I work 2-3 days a week from home for my dads company and im fortunate enough to have a great H2B who works in a great paying job so I can be at home to raise our children. Were very different people and have very different home lives. I run my house, from the way the kids behave (manners happiness and helpfulness are the key things in my home) to the food that goes in the cupboards. My H2B pays the bills and enjoys the family when his home, kids fed bathed homework done and ready to play with daddy before bed. We are a great team. Us and our children are happy 98% of the time (were only human after all, were allowed the odd crappy day)

My friend however isnt like this. Her children are very rude to her and dont act their ages, very immature which she makes excuses for or ignores it. They answer people back and she tries to laugh it off rather then deal with it. She tries to be their friend rather then a mum. Shes rarely cooks, doesnt iron, shes not allowed to go food shopping without the partner as he makes the money he decides what they have. Her idea of spending time with her kids is picking them up from school and walking them home. If her oh is at work late her kids are in bed by 5:30pm (the oldest being 13 the middle 9 and the youngest 7) because shes not dealing with them and she needs to have "her time" whichI find odd as mon-fri shes on her own from 8:30am-3pm. I think she makes up the lies and exaggerates how wonderful she is to her kids and how great her life is to make herself look better and more grander then it is. Its a constant "were going to london to a top restaurant... oh we didnt go because glen had to go tesco so we ended up having rolls for lunch" Shes a very big girl in size and constantly makes excuses for her weight ie its dead muscle or its because shes had a cold so shes had to eat the 6 cream eclairs to keep her strength up. HOWEVER shes my close friend and i love her good bad ugly.

Things however have gone from innocent life exaggerations to big black lies over the last year or so which have started to hurt and affect not only our friendship, our friendships with others, my family and now our wedding.

For my 30th my H2B organised a surprise party. She offered her help and was asked to invite our friends and their families. I get to my party and shes not their neither are 3 of my other friends or families. When I asked our friends why they didnt go they were confused as they were never told by kim about the party! When I confronted kim she said she forgot despite seeing my h2b that day and saying of course she will be there. My 31st she was at my surprise meal for 30mins then declared she had to leave as glen had to go to work but was later found she had messaged him to collect her as she didn't have enough allowance left to pay for a meal... so i had to pay for it but she left regardless... turns out she only turned up to stop me moaning i felt awful. My h2b bday she helped me organise but later flaked on n said she had a headache but when i phoned her mum who was having the kids for her, she had never been asked and the kids werent there! I ask her and she says i dont know why i lie.

I tried to forgive her but my h2b didnt and still hasnt but he tries for me. He is very wary or her intentions now and think il be let down again but at out wedding. We fell out kim and i a week or so ago. I dont have a paypal account n wanted to buy buttonholes from ebay for the wedding. Kim ordered them on hers and I gave her the cash as soon as she hit the order button. On the school run im informed that shes telling people she has paid for the buttonholes the veil necklace set and bag I gave her the money for. I had words with her and she first denied it then after being caught out admitted saying it but when i ask why she says "i dont know why i do it" she has begged and pleaded with me to forgive her and promises that she will change.

Im so worried bcoz shes invited to the day and evening of my wedding with her family and now I am worried that she wont show despite being promised. She tries to offer help now but myself and hubby are wary incase it backfires. She keeps saying she will be there for me but im not convinced. I have tried helping her with the kids and even offered to teach her to cook but she still lies and to me. I have lent her an ear and advice about her partner and she says shes taken it but then its revealed shes not.

Should i downgrade her to evening incase shes a no show or give her the chance?

Posts

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's not an easy one.

    If your friend behaves as she has in the past, there's a good possibility that she and her family won't show up at the last minute. Whether you can put up with that risk or trust her not to do it again, only you know.

    What type of wedding are you having? This doesn't necessarily change things, but if you're having a relaxed buffet for 200 without a seating plan, it may be easier to deal with than if four people at an 8-person table fail to turn up for a formal, sit-down meal for 24 guests (or less noticeable at least).

    Can you invite her and deal with the possibility that she won't be there (not that you should have to, it's very rude)? Is this a friendship you want to persevere with regardless of her behaviour at your wedding or do you need her to be true to her word in order to continue being her friend (not unreasonable). 

    I think that what I'm saying (in a terribly waffly way) is that if inviting her to the day is going to cause you stress and anxiety before she shows up or not, I'd probably explain the situation, that she's broken your trust repeatedly and needs to mend some fences, asking her to the evening only. Suggest that, while you'd like her to be involved, you don't want to be worrying about her in the run up to your wedding day.

    If you want to give her the chance to show up for the whole day, it might be worth explaining to her that she's on her last chance, it's your wedding and her being there is really important to you. I'd probably make a contingency plan e.g. Two seating plans where two tables of eight are re-laid as Two tables of six if those four guests fail to show up.

    Good luck, let us know how you get on. X

  • Margaret34Margaret34 Posts: 84 New bride

    Get her out of your life!!  Don't invite her to any part of your special day, she doesn't deserve to be there.  Sorry to be so blunt but you need to have people there who will be truly happy for you and wish you all the best, you don't need a lying moron who will probably tell the other guests that she made the dress from hand spun silk that she gathered from the silkworms herself!!!  If you can't bring yourself to do this (you sound nice so probably not in your nature, I'm Scottish we don't have a problem telling it like it is) then definitely downgrade her to the evening reception and forget about it, maybe hope she doesn't come.  Whatever you do don't worry yourself about her, she isnt worth all this stress at a time you should be enjoying 😊

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    It sounds very much to me like your friend is in an abusive relationship, whether its emotional or more than that cant be said, but she is definitely being controlled by her husband. You may think she's happy with that but from how you describe her actions these are definite signs of someone covering up for how miserable her life actually is. I don't know where you go from here but please support her no matter what be there for her and listen to her, invite her to the whole wedding but be prepared that she may not be there and this will very likely be down to the controls laid by her husband. 

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,842 New bride

    It sounds like her lying has peed you off to the point that you find everything about her annoying. Would you be picking on how she raises her kids or her relationship with her husband if the lying wasn't so bad? Probably not! I think you need to cool down the relationship for a while and see how it goes. Don't include her in any wedding plans and only invite her and her family to the evening reception. If she asks then tell her the truth- her habitual lying is upsetting you so you want to take a step back. She seems to know she has a problem so maybe this will be a kick up the bum to her to change her ways.

    I've know a 'topper' before and for a while it was funny, but eventually it was just annoying with the constant lies, even though in their case they were harmless. I just couldn't be bothered with someone like that in the end.

  • Elmo85Elmo85 Posts: 32

    Thank you all for your replies. Yes i do think shes in an abusive relationship (not pyhsically but yes definitely emotionally which is often worse) i do judge her mothering skills rightly or wrongly, i fully admit that because i dont agree with her putting her partner first over her children and lets them know dad is more important to her, to me that is wrong. 

    My wedding isnt the most lavish or extravagant affair, were doing much of it ourselves. A simple registry office ceremony with 50 nearest and dearest there for us inc a few good friends. Then a big party with catered buffet for 250 after (were very lucky a family member owns a sports and function hall and has just had their main hall redecorated with colour changing draped ceiling to match our colour theme, plus catering and DJ too) so lovely discount all round. Party favours have been handmade and bought by my future MIL for the ladies (a beautiful bird box with a bath fizz and soap inside) im not doing justice how beautiful they are. Even our invites were handmade by her so we really are lucky. My mum and dad are contributing towards the wedding financially and my mum is making my daughters wedding flower pom pom with a hoop (im sorry i dont know the technical name lol) shes only two so if she doesnt destroy its a nice keepsake rather then a bouquet. Its the way we want our wedding and im so excited to marry my best friend.

    Anyway, i could just downsize her to the evening part that way if she does flake i wont be so hurt rather then walk my little isle walk to see shes no where in sight.

    I think because iv known her since a young age (ah to be 14 again lol) i put up with more then most because of this fact. I will support her because of her relationship and i can see it takes its toll on her whether shes a victim of her own circumstances or not i am there for her and her children that wont stop (im their favourite aunty) but i have distanced myself from things alot because it does get too much. I am 30 weeks pregnant and not need the added stress this is giving me.

    My H2B suggested (reluctantly) that one with my birthday coming soon to maybe invite her early on to the meal his planning for me, with notice and see how she does with that. If she lets me down there with notice given and no good reason behind it then im no if evening invite or exclusion is needed... a second chance if you like. I said to him (atm his not keen on her because shes hurt and let me down but i never do the same to her) do you want her there at the wedding as his day too and he replied "yeah of course i like kim and glen n the boys their practically family but i just hate seeing her upset you and let down"

    I hope things get better because shes my oldest friend only time will tell x

     

     

  • Pete12Pete12 Posts: 7

    I agree with Margaret.  Life is way too short to have toxic people in our lives.  In the case of the big day, you have to assume the worst case scenario and remove all expectations.  This behaviour will repeat and repeat for as long as you allow it to.

    Really hope everything goes ok!

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 405 New bride

    I had a similar situation wit my MOH, I wouldn't call her a topper exactly, she's just selfish (a taker) and very flakey. In the end I had to ask her to come just as a guest because the thought of having her as my MOH was stressing me out so much I was getting chronic headaches. I tried to do it in a nice way explaining that it would be easier for both if us (she'd just had a baby and is having money and relationship worries) I said nothing about how she'd made me feel and still she stopped talking to me completely.

    If you do decide to invite your friend only to the evening you have to be prepared for the possibility of losing the friendship. But at the end of the day you have to make the right choice for you. And as awful as it was for me to lose my oldest friend I actually feel a lot happier and calmer without her in my life.

    I hope that you and your friend can sort things out but if it doesn't go how you want it might not be a bad thing.

  • PinguinPinguin Posts: 141

    im sorry but WHY is she expected to help you out so much?

     

    why the hell cant you set up your own pay pal? (but your abused and 'controlled' friend can - doesnt make sense)

    why cant you organise your own family events like birthdays? (especially if you expect them yearly)

     

    you basically sat and insulted her family and lifestyle in great detail as if your so much better than her - how your kids are better, your relationship is better, your lifestyle is better etc... (something you claim SHE does not you, yet you have just tried to top everything in her life) but then say shes that bad one

    you say you moan at her until she does things like attending paries (even if she cant afford it) and then get mad when she cant do it or tries but has to leave early

    this whole post just made you seem like the high maintance one and like your projecting onto her, if you want party planners and everything then pay them as its a job but to push your friends to the point where they no longer feel they can come to your events because they'll be roped into doing work or cant afford to pay and then have to avoid you and the to belittle the for it, this is your own doing

  • San1969San1969 Posts: 577

    I'm sorry but I have to agree with Pinguin here although I probably wouldn't have been as brutal.  

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