Proposal coming up for my birthday. Help!

So my boyfriend has accidentally spilled the beans that he will be proposing for my birthday, which is three days before Christmas. He doesn’t know that I know, but he has said a few things that have definitely confirmed it. He has gone through so much effort to plan it, and though it won’t be a complete surprise to me, I don’t want to say anything to him. (And I know I’ll still be surprised with how he does it, and where, and what the ring will look like, etc. - so it’s no big deal to me).

Without giving anything away, he one day asked if I would prefer a more “special gift” on Christmas or for my birthday. With them being only three days apart, I didn’t really care - but with Christmas already being so overwhelming as it is, I told him that I’d prefer it for my birthday (with it being so close to the holidays, it has often been forgotten by many, so I wanted it to be a little more special this year).

I was totally ecstatic when I found out I’d finally be getting proposed to by the man of my dreams (and again, it’s not set in stone, and he could change his mind of course, so this is all just speculation, but let’s just go with it...)

A few days ago, I came across an article online of a girl who was super ungrateful for being proposed to on her birthday. I thought it was totally ridiculous. If anything, I thought it would make a birthday that much more special! I was excited, so I decided to read other stories of birthday engagements, and it turns out, she wasn’t the only one upset about being proposed to on their birthday, or on a holiday. I just didn’t understand why someone could be upset about that. I decided to do more research, and found many, many articles saying that a man should not propose on a birthday or major holiday. 

Reason being, those dates are already so special on their own. And that a birthday, or Christmas, or an engagment should be done separately, as they are all separate things to celebrate (and god forbid the relationship doesn’t work out, then that date is ruined for them going forward). The other thing people were upset about was the fact that the engagement ring was given to them as their actual birthday or christmas gift. Girls were upset that their man kind of ”killed two birds with one stone” and passed off the ring as their birthday/holiday present. Whereas if they would have gotten proposed to at any other time of the year, they would have had a separate birthday/holiday and engagment.

That was something that did kind of get me thinking (and obsessing over) the past few days. Until I read those articles the other day, I didn’t have a single issue with a birthday proposal. Now, I don't know what to think. 

He got me a little gift the other day, and I told him to just hang onto it and give it to me for my birthday. He said that he can’t do that because what he got me for my birthday was very special and important, and that he didn't want anything to take away from it, and that he’s not going to give me any other gift than that one alone. 

It got me thinking that it definitely must be the ring. And then it reminded me of those stories and it got me a little upset that he was combining my birthday with the engagement. People have always combined my birthday and Christmas gifts together, and it has always bothered me. The fact that my birthday and proposal are going to be combined (so I think) is a little upsetting.

Again, I had zero issue with this before a few days ago. Now I kind of do, ever since reading those stupid articles. Why did I read them? I’m not wanting or meaning to sound ungrateful, if I’m coming across that way. But how do I get past this? How can I be excited again, and not let those comments and articles get to me?

Please talk to me and let me know your thoughts.

 

 

Posts

  • If you're ready and happy about it, just enjoy the moment whenever it happens.

    Overthinking it and analysing will acheive nothing except possibly spoiling it. It really doesn't matter when he does it or what other people think or random articles say

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,792 New bride

    Oh how silly- not you, but all those girls online complaining! I think it's lovely to do it on your birthday. It's not like you celebrate an engagement anniversary and it would take away from your birthday from now on! And this is coming from a girl who's birthday is also close to xmas so I have the same complex about people not caring about my birthday. Especially the combined present thing, I hated that so much when I was a kid! You will get birthday pressies from other people so it's not like you're going to be stiffed on the birthday pressie front. And a big sparkly ring is the best pressie ever!

    I actually think it's nice, I couldn't tell you off the top of my head the date we got engaged apart from 'early october'. This way you will have a nice reminder every year!

    Just remember to book in and get your nails done a day or so before- you don't want skanky talons in all those ring pictures!! That's one advantage of knowing it's coming.

  • If you don't (or didn't) feel the way those girls feel, shrug it off.  Who cares?  It would be like saying you read a dozen articles from women saying they were all anxious to go off to uni, but you were excited...so now you think you should be anxious too. Everyone is going to feel differently about the major milestones in life, and it's pretty inconsequential how someone else felt.

    Like Sammykate says, one advantage to knowing is getting your nails done!  And not being in a natty old romper with 2-day old hair.  If you know it's coming (or very likely coming), get dolled up and get ready to enjoy!

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,781 New bride

    My sister got engaged on christmas day, she loved it and to her it was perfect, she was so happy and she always thinks of on every Christmas.

    I never wanted a christmas or valentines (birthday would have been ok!!) proposal for the reason mentioned - the day is already celebrated and I didn't want to share my engagement with it (or share it with the numerous other people on my facebook also getting engaged!), luckily for me my H2B also disliked the idea (he felt it was 'killing two birds with one stone' as also mentioned and didn't want to do that).

    The point is, what is perfect for one, is anothers hate, a bit like some love a public proposal and others prefer it to be completly private. Don't let other opinions sway you! You were happy, remember that :) And definitely get your nails done! I also had a heads up on my proposal and my nails were photo ready ;)

  • I have been engaged twice. The first time was on New Years Eve and was a complete surprise. The second one was on Christmas Day and we had planned it. 

    The first one was on a balcony overlooking Big Ben as the fireworks started. The second one was sitting on my sofa at home and the ring was a wrapped present, even though I knew what it was. 

    The first one was supposed to be in front of a big group of people (although ended up not being) and the second was just me, my fiance and our two cats. 

    The first may sound like the ideal proposal to some people, the big down on one knee. To me it wasn't though. I think that's what is important. With things like proposals it's too easy to get wrapped up in them because we see these grand gestures and elaborate things on TV but it should be what suits you. Plus just think it might be your only present, but I'm sure if you weren't getting engaged your present wouldn't have been as special as that

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440

    I would be happy whenever a proposal happened... Birthday, Christmas etc.  Can't think of anything else that would make the day more special to be honest.

  • So, it didn’t happen... And I ended up ruining what was the best birthday I had ever had, due to the expectation he was going to propose.

    Yesterday, my birthday, started out great. We woke up, got all dressed up, he took me out for lunch, followed by some shopping, then to see a movie I’ve been dying to see, then for a great dinner.

    At dinner, before we were about to leave, he said “your birthday is still not over”, and here I thought ”Oh my god, it’s really going to happen!”.

    We got home, it was very close to midnight, and I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that it wasn’t going to happen anymore. With less than 10 minutes left until Midnight, and he was ready for bed and started falling asleep, I broke down and started crying. I tried really, really hard not to, but he could tell something was wrong. I thought to myself, “just stop, today was amazing, don’t let this ruin it, and if he’s not going to do it today, then maybe it’s a couple of days away at Christmas”. But I couldn’t help it. I cried.

    He asked what was wrong, and of course I couldn’t tell him that “I thought you were going to propose!”, so I made something up. I thanked him for the most amazing birthday I had ever had (really, it was!), and said I was upset that my birthday didn’t end the way I had hoped, and that I was upset that I didn’t get sung Happy Birthday to or get to blow out a candle (I was a little annoyed about that, but really it wasnt that big of a deal), and that my only wish didn’t come true.

    Ugh, why? Why did I say that? Why did I let this happen? 

    He asked what it was that I was hoping for and I told him that it’s not something I can ask for, and that its something he has to do on this own. 

    Anyway, long story short, we fought. And I wouldn’t (couldn’t) tell him what I wanted. We slept in separate rooms. It’s been 11 hours, and we haven’t spoken since.

    What can I do? 

    He went through so much effort, and the day was perfect. I thanked him so many times throughout the day, and made him know that I appreciated him. 

    Oh, my “gift” (which I though was going to be my engagement ring) the one he said was “a big deal”, and “important”, and that I’d want to take pictures of and show everyone, was a very expensive designer purse. When I opened it, I was very surprised, and loved it from the moment I saw it. Mine had recently gotten destroyed and I was upset about it, and he was thoughtful enough to get me a new one.

    But with his hints, I was sure it was a ring.

    Last night was ruined, today is ruined, and I don’t want Christmas to be ruined. How can I fix this?

     

     

  • you only think things are ruined because you've attached so much importance to an idea of how things "should" be.

    Chill out and let things just happen......

    or if you love the guy and you're ready to spend the rest of your life with him and plan a wedding, why don't you just propose to him?

  • Oh my goodness - I'm ashamed to admit that this was me on Christmas day a couple of years ago.  Only I admitted why I was upset.  

    Like you, I read the wrong thing in to comments that he made and was convinced it was going to happen and when it didn't, I was gutted.  What I can say was the best thing I could have done (for us, as I was turning into someone I didn't want to be as I was so happy in our life in general but very anxious about getting engaged / married) was actually tell my h2b why I was upset, even though I felt like an idiot.  He was a little annoyed I think, mostly because I was upset over it but he reassured me that he wanted to marry me and told me his general plans (I.e. He wanted to be moved etc first) and told me that he wouldn't drop any hints like I thought he was. I found that talking about it relieved all of the anxiety about it.  He proposed nearly a year later (I'm proud to say that I only mentioned being engaged once in that year) and I was so surprised, relaxed and very happy.  

    I guess what I would advise is that yes, you can be ashamed that you got upset on a lovely thoughtful day (I know I was/am) but you should be able to talk through your anxiety over getting engaged with him as it's not just a huge thing in his life and future but yours too. Your post doesn't mention if you've talked about marriage or when you think you would both be ready to get engaged, but maybe that's the place to go from here. Possibly relax and enjoy Christmas and talk after or in the new year, or admit the cake thing was a cover sooner....

    Either way, I'm sure it will work out, don't beat yourself up too much.  

     

  • MrsL-GMrsL-G Posts: 86 New bride

    You know how to fix it. Explain why you were upset and apologise for not telling him sooner. It'll be fine  He'll understand. 

  • MrsT2017MrsT2017 Posts: 224 New bride

    I second that 👆🏼 Honesty is the best policy x

  • MrsMcSMrsMcS Posts: 235

    I agree that you should be honest with him and explain why you were disappointed.

    I had a similar situation last year when I put too much expectation on a holiday and got upset when it didn't happen. When I told my OH he reassured me that he did have a plan. And sure enough, he proposed a couple of months later, in a much more low-key setting that was lovely and meant there was still an element of surprise!

  • Vicky105Vicky105 Posts: 140

    Propose to him 

  • Tell him the truth. He knows you're upset but doesn't understand why so you probably appear unreasonable. Your expectations aren't his responsibility but you're punishing him nonetheless. I think you should fess up and apologise. Explain why it means so much to you. At least give him the opportunity to respond to the truth, at the moment, he's got no idea why you're behaving like this.

    Good luck. X

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