Couple break up

So my problem is that a couple who have been invited to the wedding have broken up.. the back story is that one of them has known my fiance for ten years and he introduced us to his girlfriend about two years ago. Since then we have become very close and friends in our own right. I have discussed wedding plans with her and even shown her pics of the dress and she has asked so many questions about the fine details of colour schemes and decorations etc which makes me feel like she really cares. So they have now broken up and he is saying that he doesnt want her at the wedding. My initial reaction was shock that he would take it upon himself to uninvite a guest to our wedding without talking to us first. He said that he would have a panic attack if he saw her and its either her or him. So the problem is that he has known my fiance for longer, but I would feel really upset is she wasnt there. I wouldn't want to force them to both there incase of an argument or him not enjoying himself and ruining the atmosphere. I dont know what to do... does length of friendship win at the end of the day? Should I just accept that she cant come now and avoid talking about the wedding? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Posts

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    I’d ask her first - depending on the break up she might not want to be in the same room as him either!

    Ultimately I guess the original friendship should come first. Although I do think unless circumstances of a break up are really really bad he’s being a bit immature and they probably could completely avoid each other.

    If it really is important she’s there is there and he won’t budge is there any way you could compromise and have your fiance’s friend come for the ceremony and dinner but then say she’ll be coming as an evening guest - that way he doesn’t miss out but can make the decision to leave early if he really can’t stand being near her, and she still gets to see you and enjoy the evening. 

  • How long away is the wedding? If it's a while off and this is a fairly recent event then maybe they just need some time to cool off and then they might both consider being mature adults about it for your day and just sit them at opposite ends of the room. 

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,311 New bride

    Why did they break up? How big is the wedding?

    One of my good friends has just broken up with her boyfriend (H2Bs friend). We get on really both of them, we‘ve been on holiday with them.

    Sorry but there’s no way I would uninvite one of them if the other one told me to. He can avoid her for one day. 

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  • Barbie3Barbie3 Posts: 340 New bride

    unless the wedding is very soon and she did something awful like cheated on him or stole all his money i think he has no right to say u can't have her there n he needs to get over himself.

    I've just been 2 my exes wedding, and a couple we were good mates with were both there even though they just seperated, and it was all fine.

  • I agree he doesn't get to un-invite one of your guests, but I can appreciate the pain he's going through and the potential anxiety he might feel if he needed up being near her at your wedding.  I think it does largely depend on the circumstances of their breakup.  Things were so bad, so messy with my ex that I literally had panic attacks if I even drove  in the area of where we used to live. My other ex, not a big deal and I would have actually been happy to attend his wedding.

    While I do completely agree on adults being adults, if the wedding is very soon OR the reason for their breakup was really bad, I can appreciate these two people not wanting to be in the same room.

    Maybe have your h2b get a few more details on what happened before you make any decisions. If one of them was a truly deplorable person in the relationship, it might make you reconsider who you invite.

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    Perhaps leave it in their hands. Explain to them both that you‘d like them both there. If they can’t cope with that, they can decide between them who misses out. Their break-up isn’t your responsibility and certainly shouldn’t become your problem. X

  • If you want them both there then you ask them both to be there. Explain that both parties are still invited and it’s up to them to decide/agree how they want to deal with that. Getting involved, or picking sides, will have long lasting change sequences, not just for you wedding day. 

  • kitty-kitty- Posts: 121 New bride

    hes being very controlling demanding that she is uninvited. I’d speak to her about it but personally after experience I’d pick the person whose not demanding anything and keep them on the invite list. If your wedding means a lot to him he should still turn up regardless. Just seat them seperately.

  • Although he shouldn't make you uninvite anyone I can completely understand him not wanting to be around her. I imagine it has been quite messy/he has really been hurt to make him so anxious, for this reason I wouldn't want to uninvite him or make him uncomfortable. You really need to find out the circumstances of the break up and I think if one person really is the injured party then it makes sense for them to be the one to come. 

    If there isn't an obvious fair choice then I probably would be tempted to invite him, at the end of the day 10 years is a lot closer than 2 years and you don't seem that close to her, she may just be polite asking about the wedding (although obviously I don't know your relationship). 

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