Fiances family taking over.

I've spoken to my h2b a few times about how I don't like how his family are taking over our wedding. He's a it of a people pleaser so he tells me he will mention it but at the same time doesn't want to upset his family, which I totally get but I have my limits. I don't know if they're being a bit pushy and stuff or whether I'm just over reacting. 

To begin with I've personally always wanted the ceremony as me & my h2b and 2 friends or strangers as witnesses. I suffer really bad with anxiety and paranoia, I'm currently even unable to leave my house alone. But my H2B wanted family there so we compromised with a ceremony holding 25 people so that closest family and friends could be included. Then his mum was adding everyone to our list, including family members I'd never even heard of, there was my H2B stepdads entire family added onto the list which quickly pushed our numbers well above our 25 limit. So the ceremony was then changed to fit 80 guests. I have a HUGE family, I have 20+ cousins alone, yet I have 20 family members going compared to his 60. So that was the first problem. 

Second issue, my family aren't very well off for money my dad is pretty skint. He offered to pay for our live music for the evening reception which was a wonderful thing for him to do but then my H2B dad has refused to let my dad pay and telling him to save his money. Now, I don't think this was done with any mean spirit behind it but my dad took a bit of an insult to it and I personally got a little upset over how things got so heated. 

We are also having problems with his dad with regards to suits. We have h2b Best man, My dad, his dad, his 2 stepdads as groomsmen. My dad works unsociable hours, but has all weekends off and is also able to book days off with notice. H2B dad has arranged for every groomsmen to go shopping for suits but hasn't taken any consideration into my dad being able to go. I politely mentioned to h2b and his dad that I would like my dad to be involved as I feel my family aren't taking much part in this wedding and I was met with "we will go shopping for suit and tell him what store to go to to get it".. I don't think anyone is doing things to be awkward or cause upset but I'm becoming really upset with my family being pushed to the side. 

 

Finally, my mum didn't get to go dress shopping with me as the dress I have always wanted was only available online. So she instead said that she would like to help with flowers or maybe venue decorations. But nope my h2b mum has taken over in that aspect aswell and because she lives further away it's not like my mum can pop round to help. 

I've brought this up with my h2b, their family and my family numerous times and I feel like I have just been met with them saying "it's okay we can do it we don't need their help" sort of thing. I don't think they mean to be mean about it, like I've said, but I really don't know what else I can possibly do as my h2b won't get involved in the arguments as he likes to be the middle man.

Am I being ridiculous? 

Posts

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride

    You aren't being ridiculous, but until you stand up for yourself a bit nothing will change. Realistically your OH isn't going to speak to his family, you are going to have to. 

    My best friend's in laws are like this, she didn't nip it in the bud before marriage and now she has huge issues with her in laws trying to control their lives and thinking they have a right to make decisions for them. Her husband is also a complete wuss when it comes to his mum.

    Don't worry about upsetting them - this is YOUR wedding. If you want them to have less input, pay for it yourselves. If you were having the wedding YOU wanted you probably wouldn't need their financial help anyway as with a quarter of the guests the costs would reduce massively.

  • Laura837Laura837 Posts: 19
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):

    You aren't being ridiculous, but until you stand up for yourself a bit nothing will change. Realistically your OH isn't going to speak to his family, you are going to have to. 

    My best friend's in laws are like this, she didn't nip it in the bud before marriage and now she has huge issues with her in laws trying to control their lives and thinking they have a right to make decisions for them. Her husband is also a complete wuss when it comes to his mum.

    Don't worry about upsetting them - this is YOUR wedding. If you want them to have less input, pay for it yourselves. If you were having the wedding YOU wanted you probably wouldn't need their financial help anyway as with a quarter of the guests the costs would reduce massively.

     

    Thank you for the advice! :) We are paying for our own wedding. The only parts we aren't paying for are things like live music which was offered to be paid for as our wedding gift. Other than that every penny has come out of our pockets. But thank you I will definitely take on what you said 

  • MrsM2018MrsM2018 Posts: 142

    I agree that you aren’t being unreasonable at all. And I completely get the anxiety of not wanting a large wedding and that should be respected, at least for the ceremony!

    I also agree with MrsC that you need to take matters into your own hands to control what you can. But do think carefully about whether it’ll all the stress and arguments will have been worth It after the wedding. Looking back at my planning, there were way more stressful moments and arguments than needed when I was caught up in the moment. I do think you should have your H2B on side (or at least make sure he sees your side) as much as possible. But with things like flowers, you should put your foot down.

    Good luck x

  • Laura837Laura837 Posts: 19
    MrsM2018 wrote (see post):

    I agree that you aren’t being unreasonable at all. And I completely get the anxiety of not wanting a large wedding and that should be respected, at least for the ceremony!

    I also agree with MrsC that you need to take matters into your own hands to control what you can. But do think carefully about whether it’ll all the stress and arguments will have been worth It after the wedding. Looking back at my planning, there were way more stressful moments and arguments than needed when I was caught up in the moment. I do think you should have your H2B on side (or at least make sure he sees your side) as much as possible. But with things like flowers, you should put your foot down.

    Good luck x

     

    Thank you! Yeah, petty things I'm not too bothered about the only time I'm bothered is if I feel like my family are being pushed out. It's easy with my family because I feel like I can tell them to back off but I just feel a bit rude if I was to say it to his family which is why I've been hoping he'd say something but he really hates confrontation. Might have a sit down with his mum over coffee. Thanks for the advice x

     

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    I agree you need to put your foot down but perhaps do it gently. 

    I can see why your dad would be hurt about the live band even though it sounds like fil2was only trying to be considerate to his struggles. Why don't you suggest he get something special and personal for the wedding without telling the in laws? Maybe a nice piece of jewellery for you to wear? Then you could pass it down to your own children for their wedding as a something old and your dad would have started a new family tradition 😊

    I'd speak to your mother in law about the flowers and make it clear what you want them to be then tell her you want to a arrange a day where you mum can come down and all 3 of you can sort the flowers together. That way your mum isn't pushed out and you have reinforcements for if mil tries to take control 👌

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride
    Laura837 wrote (see post):
    MrsCToBee wrote (see post):

    You aren't being ridiculous, but until you stand up for yourself a bit nothing will change. Realistically your OH isn't going to speak to his family, you are going to have to. 

    My best friend's in laws are like this, she didn't nip it in the bud before marriage and now she has huge issues with her in laws trying to control their lives and thinking they have a right to make decisions for them. Her husband is also a complete wuss when it comes to his mum.

    Don't worry about upsetting them - this is YOUR wedding. If you want them to have less input, pay for it yourselves. If you were having the wedding YOU wanted you probably wouldn't need their financial help anyway as with a quarter of the guests the costs would reduce massively.

     

    Thank you for the advice! :) We are paying for our own wedding. The only parts we aren't paying for are things like live music which was offered to be paid for as our wedding gift. Other than that every penny has come out of our pockets. But thank you I will definitely take on what you said 

     

    If you're paying how can he tell your father that he can't hire a band? It's nothing to do with him!

     

    Also if you're paying they can't invite 60 people, they can't invite anyone, you will send out the invjtes. You need to take back control or you'll be landed with a £20k bill you can't pay.

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