Really upset 😢 Bridesmaid issues

So something happened today with my one and only bridesmaid - my sister - and it’s left me upset and questioning my decisions. I suppose I’m just after a bit of impartial advice from someone who is unbiased. 

So when me and my fiancé set a date my sister was one of the first people I told and straight away asked her to be my sole bridesmaid. She accepted and seemed happy to be involved (at least that’s what I thought anyway).

Since then she’s been quite difficult. She’s not liked any of the bridesmaid dresses I’ve suggested. Although I am on a very tight budget for her dress so there’s not many options. She’s also complained about the seating plan as I wanted her at the top table, which does mean she’d need to sit away from her bf (although I did say I’ll sit him on the nearest table/seat to her). Then there was the fact the she was complaining that I‘d booked her makeup and hair so she couldn’t get ready with said bf. 

Fast forward to this weekend - she lives an hour or two away from the rest of us (me, Mum, Dad) and doesn’t visit all that often. Today we we’re sat watching tv and she was showing off with a video of her and her bf at dance lessons. Then she said ‘I'm going to show you up on your wedding day‘ referring to her dancing. I ignored the comment and acted like id not heard it. So, she said it again. I ignored. So she said it for a third time. At this point I was fuming. So I did react and basically said that it was a snotty comment and that there was no need for her to say that. She got pissed off at ME (still not sure what I did wrong?) and said she and her bf like dancing and she’s not not going to not dance and she wants to do ’more than just sway‘ (this was another dig at me because I don’t dance and will just be doing the couple shuffle during first dance).  

In the end she stormed off and left without trying on a couple of bridemaid dresses I’d bought. My mum and Dad spoke to her and basically didn't seem all that bothered by what she’s said - fair enough, I don’t expect them to get involved. But my mum did say that my sister said she didn’t even want to be my bridesmaid and never has?! This was the first I’ve heard of this. My sister told Mum that she didn’t mean it in a nasty way, but she clearly meant it how it was said. She would revel in the fact that people would watch her more than me and fiancé during the first dance. She’s the kind of person that likes to get one up on me (she makes comments non-wedding related all the time but I try not to rise to it usually). 

Obviously I'm really upset by the whole thing. My sister and her bf are going on holiday soon and my dad said I shouldn’t speak to her about it until she gets back. This is obviously shitty for me as if she decides she doesn’t want to be a bm, I’ll have things to sort out and would like to know where I stand sooner rather than later. I don’t know what to do because I don’t have anyone else that I would want to ask to be bm and I don’t really want to have none. 

Sorry for such a long post. Any advice will be appreciated, or even just a bit of support for a fellow bride to be! 

Posts

  • SpacepuffinSpacepuffin Posts: 664

    I’d speak to her before she goes away. If she doesn’t want to be bridesmaid, I think you should let her step down. Is there anybody else you could ask (assuming that you want a BM)?

    It seems like she’s a bit boyfriend-obsessed from what you’re saying. Is it a fairly new relationship for her? I just wonder about her unwillingness to be parted from him for even short periods. Is he very socially awkward? Is there a legitimate reason she doesn’t want him to be alone?

    I hope she cools off and stops behaving like this. With any luck she’ll realise that she does want to be up there with you and be more enthusiastic from now on. X

  • Spacepuffin wrote (see post):

    I’d speak to her before she goes away. If she doesn’t want to be bridesmaid, I think you should let her step down. Is there anybody else you could ask (assuming that you want a BM)?

    It seems like she’s a bit boyfriend-obsessed from what you’re saying. Is it a fairly new relationship for her? I just wonder about her unwillingness to be parted from him for even short periods. Is he very socially awkward? Is there a legitimate reason she doesn’t want him to be alone?

    I hope she cools off and stops behaving like this. With any luck she’ll realise that she does want to be up there with you and be more enthusiastic from now on. X

    Thanks! On one hand I think it might be the best for her to step down as she’ll likely complain all day about not seeing her bf and this will probably spoil my day and erk me in all honesty. But I don’t have any really close friends and don't have someone who stands out as someone I’d want to ask. Having said that, I do want someone to be there with me  😪

    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about her being bf obsessed. She’s been with him, I’d say, for a couple of years now and they‘ve had weekends away from one another so it’s not like they can’t be sepatated. She’s not socially awkward and neither is he from what I can tell (I’ve only met him a few times). He would be seated with my H2B‘s male friends so he won’t be with a bunch of oldies who he has nothing in common with.  

  • Mrs2018Mrs2018 Posts: 398

    I agree I'd ask her before she goes on holiday. It' not fair to have it looming over your head like that. 

    I also have my sister as my sole (adult) bridesmaid and she has been very picky about dresses but we looked together and found one we both love.

    I've also had the sitting with boyfriend problem but as I've got 3 kids it wouldn't to my advantage that she wanted to sit with her boyfriend so my top table wasn't so big. I really understand that point as her boyfriend won' really know the others he is sitting with that well. 

    Getting ready could she get up showered and have breakfast with bf then come to you? 

    That's all presuming she wants to still be a bridesmaid. If she doesn't do you have a friend who could be? 

  • Mrs2018 wrote (see post):

    I agree I'd ask her before she goes on holiday. It' not fair to have it looming over your head like that. 

    I also have my sister as my sole (adult) bridesmaid and she has been very picky about dresses but we looked together and found one we both love.

    I've also had the sitting with boyfriend problem but as I've got 3 kids it wouldn't to my advantage that she wanted to sit with her boyfriend so my top table wasn't so big. I really understand that point as her boyfriend won' really know the others he is sitting with that well. 

    Getting ready could she get up showered and have breakfast with bf then come to you? 

    That's all presuming she wants to still be a bridesmaid. If she doesn't do you have a friend who could be? 

     

    I do know what you mean about her bf not knowing many people, but in all honesty I thought it would be a good chance for him to get to know some of our family he hasn't met yet. As far as I'm aware he doesn't have an issue with this. He will most likely be glued to my sisters hip, if she has anything to do with it, for the remainder of the day/evening so it could be good for him to have 'lad' chat during the meal. Like I said, as far as I know he doesn't find it difficult to speak to new people and the people I would sit him with will be people he'll have things in common with. He recently joined the reserves for the army and both h2b and his brother are in the army too, so their friends who are also attending would be able to chat to him about that. 

    It's also worth mentioning that I've paid for their room at the venue so they'll have all night together and the following morning at breakfast. 

    In terms of getting ready, we are getting ready at the venue. So if she does want her hair and makeup doing she will need to be there with me (and my mum) from quite early in the morning. 

    I don't have any other friends/family that I would want to ask to be bridesmaid. So, it will just be me if she decides to step down. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride

    Do you think she is jealous because you are engaged/getting married and she isn't?

    She sounds a bit pathetic tbh...spite is usually caused by jealousy in these situations.

    a) the only people dancing during the first dance will be you and h2b so no one will be looking at her. Ask the DJ not to invite other couples on to the floor until your dance is over

    b) it's fairly standard as a bridesmaid to get ready with the bride - I've also always just worn the dress the bride chose whether I liked it or not too.

    c) I have only ever sat with my fiance 3 times at a wedding! He's been best man 3 times and on the top table, I've been bridesmaid once and on top table and I was also on the top table at my brother's wedding. Each time we have just chatted to whoever we were sat with, the meal is only an hour or two out of the whole day.

    I would just outright ask her if she wants to be a bm and if she says no, so be it. Better no bridesmaid than a resentful bitter one x

  • MrsCToBee wrote (see post):

    Do you think she is jealous because you are engaged/getting married and she isn't?

    She sounds a bit pathetic tbh...spite is usually caused by jealousy in these situations.

    a) the only people dancing during the first dance will be you and h2b so no one will be looking at her. Ask the DJ not to invite other couples on to the floor until your dance is over

    b) it's fairly standard as a bridesmaid to get ready with the bride - I've also always just worn the dress the bride chose whether I liked it or not too.

    c) I have only ever sat with my fiance 3 times at a wedding! He's been best man 3 times and on the top table, I've been bridesmaid once and on top table and I was also on the top table at my brother's wedding. Each time we have just chatted to whoever we were sat with, the meal is only an hour or two out of the whole day.

    I would just outright ask her if she wants to be a bm and if she says no, so be it. Better no bridesmaid than a resentful bitter one x

    Yes, I do think this comes down to jealousy, but I’m not sure it’s because I’m getting married. She does want to get married but isn’t in any rush for that to happen just yet. Whereas I have been thinking about marriage and children since I was 16 (I’m 24 now)! 

    I think she’s jealous that I’m generally in a better place in my life. I’ve got a secure job, a good amount of savings (we want to get a house shortly after the wedding so I’ve been saving for that). Anyway, she‘s recently lost her job, which was just agency work anyway (not what she wanted to be doing) and now she’s maxed out her credit card and is struggling as she’s going on another holiday with her bf. She has said before that it‘s ’not fair‘ that I have savings etc. But we are just very different people - like I said I’ve always wanted to settle down and prioritise a good job and starting a family before holidays etc. where this isn’t the same for her. I think the resentment comes because I’m a few years younger than she is too and am in a better financial position. Having said all this, I don’t know why she decided that this was necessary cause for her to ‘show me up‘ on my wedding day because she can dance well and I’ve got two left feet.

    I’m glad to hear that it‘s generally the case that people within the wedding party might be away from their plus 1 during the wedding breakfast. 

    I totally agree that it’s better to have no bridesmaids than one that doesn’t actually want to be there. It’s just a shame because I was enjoying most aspects of planning but I feel that’s she‘s sucking the fun out of it for me. Now I feel I will have to completely change my plans to accomodate her just so that she doesn’t cause a scene or isn’t bitter on the day. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,954 New bride

    It's a shame, but basically you can't control her behaviour, only your reaction to it. Don't rise to her silliness and she'll probably give up.

  • redhair82redhair82 Posts: 289 New bride

    I am sorry, sounds like she is being very difficult and purposefully winding you up. Approach it from a "would you feel more comfortable if you weren't a bridesmaid" point of view, rather than you don't want her, and see what she says? The ONLY thing I agree with her on is being separated from her boyfriend for the wedding breakfast, I would HATE that. Especially if he doesn't know anyone. Weddings are not really an excuse to "meet new people", it isn't a business team building weekend. I would want to sit with people I knew and not feel awkward. However, as part of the bridal party she should obviously accept that she won't be by his side all day, especially in the morning and getting ready etc. Is she older than you? Sounds like jealousy to me. 

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,136 New bride

    Sorry she’s being spiteful! sounds very much like jealousy could be the root cause. 

    I’d concede on letting her sit with the boyfriend only because you might want some distance if she’s still being petty and jealous on the day anyway! I’d try the nicely nicely approach and ask if she’s ok with being a BM and say your Mum has said she maybe feels uncomfortable and see if she’d rather step down. Better no BM than one you have to work all day to pacify and who is standing there with you being miserable and bitter about the whole thing!

    Ignore the dancing point. She won’t be dancing during your first dance and unlikely anyone will be paying more attention to her than the bride, and if they do, it’ll probably be more “look at her being such a show off” than anything positive! 

  • MrsGtoBMrsGtoB Posts: 712 New bride

    I'd arrange to meet her and ask her out right if she doesn't want to be bridesmaid.  If she does she needs to suck it up that she needs to be with you on the morning and sit apart from her BF. I mean seriously it's one day!!!

    If she doesn't then it sounds like you are best away from her drama spoiling your run up to the big day.

     

    She sounds just like my sister which is why she isn't bridesmaid and I'm just having the kids ;-) 

  • Not sure if this is going to help, my sister is my only adult bridesmaid and I let her choose her own dress, I told her it had to be lavender but the style was completely up to her.  She has been married 10 years so our circumstances are a little different to yours.  She will not be sitting on our top table, instead she will be sitting with her husband and 2 small children, but this is our choice rather than hers.  In the morning I am actually getting ready in my sister's hotel room. I do think your sister's comments are very hurtful and I am sorry she is not being more supportive, if you can have a heart to heart with her with no one else around, hopefully you will get to the bottom of her problems and be able to move forward, decide what you can and can't compromise on ie is her sitting at top table a priority, or her getting ready with you in the morning? could you even invite a "plus one" for her boyfriend so he is not completely on his own whilst she is busy with her bridesmaid duties??

  • CFWCFW Posts: 234

    Oh dear! This all sounds pretty stressful for you!

    On the whole, it sounds like she is being unreasonable and petty and like others have said there is probably some resentment there. It sounds like you want her to continue to be a bridesmaid, so what I would suggest is compromising with her. I've been to a few weddings now where the bridesmaids have sat with their partners (and kids if they have them) and I honestly didn't think it looked odd. Top tables vary so much these days, some bride and grooms only have themselves, some only parents. It is really up to you. I do agree with the previous poster who said people don't generally like "having" to socialise with people they don't know - I know i've always had a better time when sat next to people I know rather than forcing polite conversation with others. I'm sure he wouldn't come out and say it but he is probably rather nervous about having to do that himself. Perhaps if you show some give and take she might too? If of course you'd rather her not be a bridesmaid, don't go out of your way but just remember she is family and its not like falling out with a friend who you don't have to see again. Try to make it work and be the bigger person :) 

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  • Thank you to everyone for all of your insight! 

    I am going to leave it for a couple of days and then message her to see if she wants to step down as bridesmaid and if she does so be it. 

    I know that people have differing opinions regarding the seating arrangements for the wedding breakfast, I’m going to speak to H2B about this when I next see him (he‘s currently away for work). Due to the fact that we’d need to seat 3 sets of parents, it worked out better to have the best man and bridesmaid on the table too, to balance out the numbers so my and H2B could be in the middle. I can be very particular and it would bother me immensely if we weren’t in the centre (I know this wouldn’t be an issue for most people). So our other option is to heave a sweetheart table instead, but  this would be disappointing for both my parents and H2B‘s parents as I’m sure they wanted to sit with us. 

    Continuitygirl, I don’t think a plus one would help the situation much. As I've said, my sister will be with him for the rest of the evening so then the additional guest will end up being a spare part. Plus my sister and her boyfriend will be staying at the venue and there isn’t room for non-immediate family so they’d have to get accomodation elsewhere which would just end up causing more issues, I’m sure. 

    CFW, I undertand about making compromises, but I do think that’s it’s only a few hours out of one day. Obviously it‘s important to me and H2B to have the day exactly how we want it because I don’t want us to have regrets about things later on. 

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