Chief bridesmaid headache

jenniferosuljenniferosul Posts: 1 New bride
edited October 2019 in General chat
I'm having an issue with my Chief bridesmaid and I don't know how to get passed it. I'll try and summarise as much as possible as it is quite a long story. 
She planned me an amazing hen party, it was so well thought out and considered, I loved it. I was so emotional all day as I was just so happy having everyone there. She put a lot of thought and work into it. 
Then this is what happened:
  • She went to bed without saying goodnight to anyone
  • She didn't really get too involved with me or anyone later in the night
  • One of my close friends who was meant to attend, her mum died and I heard while out that evening, I didn't 'deal' with it that night as I recognized that everyone was there for me, but I was very upset, it was sobering. I didn't make it anyone's issue. She never asked was I ok, or even comment about it. 
  • Next morning she is saying for me to travel by other friends in a car because she didn't want to help me see my friend. She wanted to cancel my wedding dress fitting for the following day because it was 'bad planning'. 
  • She says to other bridesmaid get rid of all the hen stuff she never wants to see it again
  • She complains of a headache and disappears for 2 hours on her own to clear her head, while everyone was chilling out at the hotel. 
  • I asked did I do something she said no, asked was she sure she said yes, but nothing else. 
  • She was the ice queen on the way up in the car, it was so uncomfortable. Another friend drove me to see my friend cause she wasn't too open to it (fine but it would have taken 20 minutes, it wasn't out of the way, it was on the way). 
  • She was very cool that night, I was very upset after visiting a friend and went to bed, I knew where I wasn't wanted. 
  • Get up the next day, she's cool, she's complaining that going to see the dress was bad planning and continues to be the ice queen, I tried everything to soften her mood, but there was nothing back from her. 
  • We arrive, meet another bridesmaid, try on dress (first time they see it). She is again so cold, no interest, absolutely sucked the life out of the room. 
  • She drops me off at the airport (I had to fly in as Iive far away). 
The weekend as planned for months, the dress was optional and she insisted she wanted to go. She was busy on the lead-up and was tired, which I was very supportive of (new job, running a kids camp, friends wedding abroad, and then going to NYC for 4 days the day after, was stressed about packing for it. 

I was so on edge, anxiety through the roof (which is unusual for me), she knew that as I said to her I'm all over the place. I received no sympathy from her at all. 
I get home, speak to my fiance and explain my concerns. He recommends I get to the bottom of it as I didn't deserve that. 
Call my other bridesmaid to ask her what happened. She told me I did 2 things and MoH was very upset about it
  1. I sent her a text before we left for hen which had a list of stuff on it for her to bring with us on hen (shampoo, perfume, hairspray, and one item was my name as a LOL) they were the stuff I couldn't carry and she asked what I needed, I listed it on text 
  2. on the night out she claimed I snarled at her on the dance floor 'Grab my handbag'. BM found her crying in the bathroom implying I was ungrateful. 
Point 1, was a list of stuff, she asked what I needed, I would consider it to be a bit dramatic to cry over this. Point 2, was a lie. I remember the interaction clearly, I said 'OMG I left my handbag in that room', she said she'd get it, i said no no i will and she went and got it, and delivered it to me by shoving it in my face on the dancefloor (this was seen by quite a few people). 

This was kind of a low moment for me. FOr someone that had spoiled all her hard work and my hen weekend because of this, was the most hurtful thing ever. I don't have family support (horrible mum, dad passed away) and I'm finding things hard, she knows this. So she was my support for the hen weekend. I didn't need much I'm quite strong, independent and resilient. 

I called her, I was super calm and very together. Here is the summary: 
  • She first said I did nothing wrong, then I told her about speaking to other BM (whom they are not close, they are not friends, just friends because they are my 2 BM)
  • She said 'I'm sorry you feel that way', 'I hate confrontation', 'this is going to upset me all week in NYC'. 
  • I had to go back over it to explain to her repeatedly why I was upset and how she made me feel, and she would not accept it. We ended the call positively, where I was like - ok she is kind of getting it to leave it there. 
  • She texts after and undoes the phone call, with language like 'i don't want things blown out of proportion', 'I'm sorry you feel this way'. No remorse, no acknowledgment, no empathy, no emotional intelligence. 

we've had to share a couple of 'functional texts' since them but that's it. She never tried to talk to me again, she did ask how I was yesterday over text, that's almost 3 weeks later since we had the 'chat'. 

I'm terribly hurt. I'm so upset. My friend I thought I had, isn't my friend, she does not have my back and I don't know how to rely on her from now on. How can I ask her to 'get my lipstick' on the wedding day, cause she will throw a strop? She cannot see beyond her own nose. I just don't know what to do next. 

What do I do? It's 8 weeks before my wedding.


  • Can I give you a bit of tough love?

    It sounds like she threw you a great hen and went out of her way to make it special for you regardless of everything else she has going on. All the things you're upset about are, in the grand scheme of things, very small things.  You can either choose to get over them and carry on with a great friendship or you can continue to sulk because everything didn't go your way and she wasn't all smiles 100% of the weekend.

    I've learnt that you can't control other people's behaviour and you have to let things like this go otherwise you end up getting upset and blowing things out of proportion. You said yourself you had a great hen party and she went to an amazing amount of effort - you are incredibly lucky to have someone that would do that for you!

    Once you're married and the hype blows over this really won't seem like a big deal :)  

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