Opinions please!

P4TDP4TD Posts: 2,487
Right, need some help with my latest dilemma! Sorry - it's a long one! My friend is Australian and we met when she moved over here with her BF who's a rugby player - we were housemates for about 18 months. She moved back to Oz in March 2006, and since then we have been keeping in touch by email regularly. After I got engaged at Christmas, she said she was going to be moving back here this year and asked if they could move back in. It meant she was going to be here for the wedding, so I asked her to be MOH and my only grown up BM (we're also having two flower girls). After months of her saying she was really excited about coming back and me spending a fortune on furniture and getting her room ready, she finally admitted that she wasn't coming back afterall because her BF had changed his mind. She'd known for ages but didn't know how to tell me apparently - in fact, she knew before I spent all that money on the room but still let me go ahead. So as you can imagine, I was very annoyed. Still, she promised that she would still be flying over for the wedding and would still be my MOH, wouldn't miss it for the world etc etc, even though I told her I didn't expect her to still come, and she didn't need to feel obliged as I know how expensive flights are, but she said she gets them really cheap through work and really wanted to be my MOH.

Anyway, this was months ago and since then she's been umming and ahhing over whether she can get the time off work or afford flights afterall, making loads of excuses and generally just acting like she was trying to prepare me for when she finally admitted she wasn't coming. I kept saying if you don't think you can come, please just tell me so I know what's happening, but she was adamant she would be there, and kept sending me dresses that she liked (all really expensive, like £300 Watters ones, and quite bridal looking) and saying how she's growing her hair and going to the gym loads and will be going on the sunbeds to make sure she looks perfect for the wedding, and how she has her own tiara that she can bring ( image ). And lots of questions - Will I be at the head table? Will I get to join in on the first dance, and who will I be dancing with? And will I be walking down the aisle first - I think that's the best way, don't you...? What flowers will I have? You get the picture! But she didn't seem all that bothered about me or other parts of the wedding - I sent her pictures of my dress and all she said was 'oh yes, it's nice.....did I show you this BM dress I found..."! I was starting to get the feeling like the only reason she wanted to be there is to wear a posh dress and be the centre of attention (she's a bit wedding-obsessed but her BF hates marriage and won't propose). And I refused to buy her an expensive dress on principle, because I was pretty sure she wouldn't turn up!

Then on eBay I came across some brand new Watters dresses in the right colour for £65. It was one of the -favourite' styles she sent me - strapless, quite a full A-line, slight train, and could probably pass for a wedding dress if it was ivory. So anyway I thought I can't pass up the opportunity to get such a bargain, and got her measurements and told her I was ordering it (not off ebay though, she's a bit of a snob about things like that!). So she thinks it's from a shop and I've paid full price for it. Hasn't even said thank you, by the way! Then I got to thinking - what if she doesn't turn up? I'll have no BM and I don't really have any friends to ask (total billy no mates since moving up to Scotland on my own, and everyone I know is either over 50 or a bloke). So I was speaking to H2B and he said I should ask the girl next door - she's always coming round for a chat and asking if there's anything she can do to help, and always takes my deliveries and has offered to look after the cats while we're on honeymoon. She's my age and OK to chat to but I wouldn't call her a friend as such, just a good neighbour. But as H2B pointed out, it would make her really happy to be asked (she's not really got any friends either, must be catching!), and would mean I'd definitely have at least one BM. So I asked her, and she was over the moon, really excited about it - so much so, she called her mum in Spain to tell her! So I ordered another one of the dresses and when it came she tried it on and loved it, and offered to pay for it, and asked if there were any jobs I needed doing yet for the wedding - so OK, she's already scored more points than my aussie friend in the BM books!

As soon as I asked her, something started niggling away at me - I couldn't help but think that my aussie friend's nose would be well and truly out of joint because I was having another BM, after the way she'd been acting. So I thought I'll just email her and say I'm THINKING about having another BM to help me in the run-up to the wedding (telling her she would still be MOH) and see how she reacts. So I emailed her, and the reply has come today. It's a huge long email basically saying that if I had another BM she'd be really upset and wouldn't feel -special' and doesn't like the idea of someone else getting to wear -her dress' too, and can't I just ask the girl to do something else in the wedding and let her wear her own outfit instead of buying her a dress. Roughly translated as ???????I'm a prima donna who can't bear not to be centre of attention!???????. And here's me thinking it was my wedding! Silly me.

So now I don't know what to do. I honestly never expected her to react like that. If it was me, I'd be saying great, someone who can help you in the run-up because I can't, I think it's a great idea. I wouldn't be throwing my toys out of the pram! Can you imagine what she'd have said if I'd told her I'd already asked her and she said yes? She probably would have just refused point blank to come.

So , what do I do? On the one hand, I can understand her being a bit annoyed that she's flying all the way over here and doesn't get to be my -one and only'. But on the other hand, I didn't ask her to fly over, she offered - and surely she should be coming because she's my friend, not just because it'll allow her to live out her own fantasy of walking down the aisle, at my expense! And for all I know, she might not even turn up anyway! Do I just wait a few weeks and then email her back and say I've considered her feelings but I've asked the other BM and she's said yes, so if she doesn't want to come anymore then I understand? Or do I keep schtum, wait until next year and then just tell her a few weeks before the wedding?

Hmmm, bit stuck on this one! image

[Modified by: P4TD! on 26 October 2007 22:42:59 ]


  • deecydeecy Posts: 7,493
    blimey that's the longest post I've ever actually read, not just said I've read!

    Not in your shoes but I'd tell her in a couple of weeks that you've considered the options but you really would like to have another BM (ie the one from next door) but that the role of MOH is hers and no-one else could fill her shoes/take her place etc.

    but having said that if she's not going to come she's not going to come. It's your wedding and you should be the centre of attention! Her role is to make sure your day goes well, and that you look fantastic not the other way round!

    The other BM sounds like a hands on type who can help with day to day stuff, and who'll be excited about the day from her and your perspective.
  • Mmm, tricky one! I also have BM probs (see my post, Help upset friend as not bridesmaid) why do people make things so difficult for us B2B's?! I dont think you should back out of asking this other girl, to be honest australian girl doesnt sound like a true friend, whats the worst that can happen, she doesnt come? it sounds like you've made your neighbours year by asking her, you mentioned not having many friends near where you live, sounds like your perfect oppurtunity to become close to someone you live near now, Imagine all the fun you will have arranging wedding things with a friend with you, your other friend isnt able to do this. She doesnt have the right to say to you she has to be the only one, its your day, your decision!

    Mind you, Im a great one to talk, I hate upsetting people, so often take the easy way out. If I were you Id send other friend Email, explaining you felt you needed someone who lives close to help with things, and you hope she understands. You could also say how nice she is and she'd get along well with her, maybe suggest a hen night when she arrives to get to know her beofre your big day too?

    Hope this helps a bit?

  • Oh my god!!! What a MUPPET!!!

    Whose day is it anyway?!?!

    Is it hers?!?!?!



  • P4TDP4TD Posts: 2,487
    I agree! Muppet, muppet, muppet!!!

    I seem to attract them image

    I feel like emailing her and saying it's my day and if you don't shut up you'll be wearing a bin bag, lets see how your bloody tiara goes with that!

    I mean, come on - imagine having your own tiara when you're not even engaged!

    Oh and I forgot to say, her comment about going to the gym etc came in response to an email I sent pouring my heart out and saying how worried I was about my weight and how I'd look on the day and in the photos. So it went something like this - me: "I'm finding it really hard to lose weight, so scared my dress won't fit or that I'll look like a whale". Her: "Oh, that's awful hun. Well, I'm going to the gym every day and I'm going to get a tan, so I'll look perfect!"

    Oooooh, nice.
  • pantaloonpantaloon Posts: 2,348
    aaah the good old bridesmaid nightmare!

    what a pain in arse your aussie friend is being, i've been having some troubles with one of my bms with lack of communication, lack of excitment etc - she is meant to be my chief!. I chose her as chief because my other bm is currently travelling round Asia and wasn't going to be able to help with the planning - well i have had more support off her as she manages to find some old shack with an internet conncetion and mails me!

    Anyway my point - My CBM has a bad case of jealousy (sp) she has admitted that she feels left on the shelf etc - I gave it to her straight, by email that she had p**sed me off - i have done this twice now - she doesn't speak for a few days but then she comes back with her tail between her legs because she knows im right!

    I would say that you have to be strong and fess up to your ozzie BM - be totally honest, saying how excited you were about her coming etc but you feel uneasy about it all.

    If she is a true friend you will upset her yes, but she will see your point eventually - and if she doesn't well we all grow apart from people.

    You have to make your wedding about you and H2b - yes you will upset a few people that are not on the same wavelength - but it will all come out in the wash.

    hope that doesn't sound too harsh xxx
  • I have to be honest here... she really doesn't sound like much of a friend. If one of my friends ever did anything I didn't agree with - especially to do with THEIR wedding, I certainly wouldn't fly off the handle about it! I would keep my mouth shut and if it was bad enough, I would try and find a nice way to voice my concerns.

    Friends are not meant to make one another feel bad - especially a moh - they are supposed to support you and make you feel less stressed about the wedding!

    Is she really worth it??

  • Here Here LyndseyC!!

    like I said - MUPPET!!
  • 418karina418karina Posts: 697
    ERM i would be very upset by all of this. i am impressed by how level and calm you come across in your post!!! especially i would be upset about the gym comment. how insensitive.

    do what you would like to do... it is your day, it is all about you and your h2b and your love and lives together, not about her! like deecy said, she doesnt seem to understand what the role of a BM is!!! dearie me.

    if you would like this neighbour to be a BM too in case your other friend cant come then have her be one and your MOH will just have to deal with that.

    i think youve been really patient and accomodating so far anyway! good on you! but dont let her walk all over you. politely but certainly let her know whats what

  • Sorry for over-doing the whole MUPPET thing - I'm on 147 posts and I am getting excited that i might become a Bridezilla soon!!!


  • P4TDP4TD Posts: 2,487
    Oh I'm so glad it's not just me over-reacting!

    To be honest I wouldn't be that bothered if she didn't come - she says she's flying here a few days before the wedding, which means I'd have to entertain her when I'll be really busy with wedding stuff - she kept saying how she can't wait to go shopping in Glasgow, and I just thought yeah, like I'll have time to do that! And her dress will need altering in those few days, which would be a nightmare to organise. And she reckons she'd be flying home the morning after the wedding - which is the day we leave for honeymoon! So instead of having a nice lie-in and making full use of our late check-out, we'd be rushing around taking her to the airport.

    I can't work out if she's being deliberately difficult or just doesn't realise how she's acting.
  • P4TDP4TD Posts: 2,487
    You can never overdo MUPPET!

    It is officially my favourite word of the whole year! H2B's too - he keeps saying muppet and then chuckling to himself lol

  • What a nightmare! I wouldn't worry too much about your drama queen friend. I would def still with ya new BM too because from what you say she seems a lovely friend in the making and excellent BM material!!

    Has your friend even confirmed shes booked yet?

  • Cowbag indeed!!

    It's your day sweetheart and it sounds like you're doing a fair bit more stressing than looking forward to it at the mo. The whole point of bridesmaids, I think, is to enhance the experience for you, share something special with you, and help you feel incredible. It should absolutely not be the other way round!

    My chief bm - I'm only having two - is my oldest and bestest friend and she hasn't much of a clue about what practical things to do to help, but what she lacks there, she is more than making up with in enthusiasm and emotional support. The fact she's so excited for me makes me even more excited.

    Anyway, who's to say that your bm from next door doesn't end up being someone you're friends with for the rest of your life. Could be the beginning of a beatiful and even better friendship!!
  • 418karina418karina Posts: 697
    i semi hope for your sake that she doesn't come... while it will be a shame, i know how annoying it is to have to rush around insensitive friends especially when it is your special day!!!
  • ArransRoseArransRose Posts: 1,199
    I agree with all of the other posters. A true friend would be happy that you also had another bm to hand to help with things that she can't practically do from Australia.

    You have made your neighbours day, (well done!) enjoy the offer of help from her, she must be so thrilled and sounds as if she will be happy to do anything you ask of her.

    I don't know your austrialian friend, but I can't put into words, or rather words fail me, as to her reaction of you asking another girl to be there for you on the run up to your big day.

    This is your (and h2b's) big day, not hers! Stick to your guns, tell her your neighbour has been so interested and supportive of your plans and ideas, you want and need her as another bridesmaid.

    If she has a hissy fit, let her..then you'll know deep down she wasn't a true friend and definately not worthy of being your MOH.

    p.s. Hope you make more friends soon, I'm from ayrshire, Scotland...and we really are quite a friendly lot up here! :\)
  • Am I a bridezilla yet...???
  • ...how about now.....???
  • YEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Don't mind me... I really am in my own little world!!!

    I am touched that I was able to share this momentous moment with you all.

    Aw... how sad am i?!?!

  • deecydeecy Posts: 7,493
    many congratulations on becoming a bridezilla image

    it doesn't get any better than that.

    no, really it doesn't image

    you're a bridezilla forever now! image
  • LazybrideLazybride Posts: 353
    Maybe I'm less polite, but I'd say ar**hole!!!! Muppet isn't strong enough for this girl!!!
  • Lol!!!!

    Arshole Muppet it is then!!!

  • OMG there is defo a case of bridesmaidzilla. Tell her its tough at the end of the day, its your day and your choice, if she doesnt like it then she doesnt have to come or be BM, and by the sounds of it it sounded like shes not far from letting you down anyway.

  • adelesarahadelesarah Posts: 1,981
    I'd tell her that you've asked the other BM, in the way which you said above. You considered her feeling etc etc but need the help and support. If she get's tetchy about it I'd tell her the real reason, you're not 100% sure she'll come and you don't want to be left without a BM. It does sound like she's using the whole thing to show her boyf 'this is what you could have' kinda thing, or it's the closest she'll get with him so wants to 'play' weddings. TBH I think you'd be better off without her as I don't think she's gonna be much use to you, more hinderance than help, so if she does take the strop and doesn't come, then you're not losing out. Maybe she's acting awkward to give a reason for her to strop, you be 'in the wrong' and her not have to come, maybe this was her intention.
  • mov429mov429 Posts: 780
    me jumping in here - i'd wait till a few weeks before hand, till flights are booked etc and tell her you are having another bridemaid!! I'm a cow that way tho! lmao It's coming to something when your next door neighbour is more helpfull than ur MoH!!!! If she doesn't want to come thats up to her then and you can always re-sell her dress on ebay! lmao

    The weight thing was really nasty - it's like she's trying to outshine you anyway and she's not even in the country. B*tch!!

    My sister-in-law is getting married abroad next year, my bil was telling me yesterday he feels so sorry for her. she's meant to be having 3 adult bridesmaids - one is her sister who hasn't paid a penny for the holiday, he aunties paid it, she isnt' interested in a dress fitting at all cos she says she'll be the same size next year anyway!!! 1 is a good friend of hers who is interested, says she can't wait but hasn't booked a flight yet?!!??!? and the other one - she's a cracker!! The other is a friend from work, they went to uni 2gether she's booked up - doesn't have a clue about any of the details, she got engaged after SiL and has went and booked the honeymoon suit at SiL's hotel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They get married 4 days before SiL!!!!!! That's disgusting in my book!!! What kind of a bm does that.

    One thing P4TD your not the only one with the threat of a horrible bm!!! I bet if her bf was into marriage she'd come back here and get married the day before you. She sounds like that sort of person!

  • p4td

    think you should send her this

    Chief Bridesmaid or Maid of Honour

    In the same way the groom has a Best man the bride has a Chief Bridesmaid. Their roles are practically the same with the exception that the Best man has to make a speech.

    The Chief bridesmaid is usually an elder sister or other family member or perhaps a close friend. Their role is to help, advise and support the bride in the planning, preparing and carrying out of a successful wedding day.

    Duties of the Chief Bridesmaid

    Leading up to the wedding day

    Be on hand to offer advice on the choosing and fitting of the wedding dress. Offer advice on accessories, make up and hairstyles to enhance the overall look.

    Be prepared to participate in some of the activities including the makeover.

    Organise the Hen Night. Contact all the brides' friends that she would wish to attend.

    When organising the Hen Night it is very important to bear in mind what the bride want.

    Offer advice when the bride comes to choosing the bridesmaids dresses, do not impose your own opinion, after all it's not you who is paying for the dress and it's not your wedding dayimage

    On the wedding day

    You will need to be at the bride's house helping her to dress and remain calm.

    You will need to liaise with the florist, Best man, smaller bridesmaids and pageboys so that everyone knows what they should be doing.

    Handy tips

    Arrive at the bride's house in plenty of time so that everybody can get dressed and look their best without rushing around.

    The smaller bridesmaids, pageboys and yourself will need to leave for the church or venue leaving only the bride and her father to follow.

    Await for the arrival of the bride and her father together with the smaller bridesmaids and the pageboys, and follow on behind up the aisle

    Be prepared to look after the smaller bridesmaids and pageboys during the ceremony.

    Look after the bride's bouquet during the ceremony.

    Hand the bouquet back to the bride and follow the bride and groom out of the venue with all with the rest of the bridal party.

    Be available to have your picture taken throughout the course of the day.

    Traditionally the chief bridesmaid and the Best man would dance with each other during the course of the night. If you're both single then love could be in the air for you both....

    this is from wedding cahos websiteimage

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