Bridesmaid Dilema!!

Hi All,



I hope you can help! Sorry this is a long story! I am having a bridesmaid nightmare. I got engaged at New Year and decided quite early on that I was going to have two bridesmais - my little sister and my very best friend who lives far away but with whom I am very close - in fact she's like a sister now especially since she's been dating my brother for 4 years! The problem is that my other 'best friend' who I've known since I was 5 was pretty offened that I didnt ask her and made a big fuss about it. This really upset me but I can understand that she was dissapointed as she thought it was a given. The reason I didn't ask her was because we have really grown apart over the past two years since I moved away from home - our lifestyles are very different and I have started to find her quite annoying - immature and a bit of a drama queen - she lied to me by making up some very serious situations in her life which were totally fabricated. I've always known she was like this but I think now that I have grown up a bit I can't tolerate her as much. Anyway, after she made a big fuss about it we more or less stopped talking, until I eventually spoke to her and said I haven't ruled her out completly and would like her to be a BM as long as we can re-build our friendship. However, now I'm starting to think that things have gone too far and we've just grown apart too much. I still care about her and want to be her friend, but bridesmaid? The other problems is that the other girl and her don't get on. What should I do? I feel so bad about this and worry that I'll lose her as a friend completley if I say no now. Although I do feel like I've been emotially manipulated a bit...

Posts

  • My initial reaction would be to say I think you should go with your gut instinct and not have her. To soften the blow, you could say that due to budget you need to cut back on your BMs. However, you may have to think about how you would feel if you did lose her friendship forever. Do you still feel that you will have a basis for a friendship in the future or is it more that you are more nostalgic for how things used to be with you?



    You say that she can be a bit of a drama queen, are you worried that this may come out during the planning or on your big day?
  • She's one of these people who likes being the centre of attention - for example it always used to be that if something happened to me then somethine more dramaic/exciting had happened to her - whether these things were true or not I don't know... When we used to be meet up it was all about her - she very rarely asks me how I am. I used to just put up with it as I'm pretty laid back and a good listener but now it really annoys me! So I am a bit worried that she would keep binging everything back to her during the wedding. I just feel like I can't trust her 100% because of the lies she used to tell. My H2B has also said he no longer trusts her and was annoyed at her for upsetting me but he's very supportive and has said the final decision is mine although questions why I would have someone I don't trust as a BM...
  • PixenPixen Posts: 607
    Maybe you could give her a job to do to make her feel "part" of the wedding - like signing the register? Then she isnt a bridesmaid but will feel included?

    Good Luck.
  • My h2b has a really close female friend but she is not close enough to me to be a BM. H2B was keen to have her involved so we have asked her to be an usher. She is now an usherette and is delighted to have been asked to be involved! I know it is not traditional but who cares.
  • I have to say I think you are answering your own question..you don't trust her, she has hurt you in the past and at the moment it seems that she has resorted to emotional blackmail to get you to ask her to be bridesmaid..is this REALLY the sort of person you want to share your special day with? Do you think she would be happy playing another part in your wedding other than bridesmaid? from what you've said so far it doesnt sound like she would be..so I guess it would be bridesmaid or nothing. The fact that she isn't prepared to speak to you unless she is bridesmaid doesn't make her seem like a very good friend at all..I know alot of my close friends haven't been asked to be my bridesmaids but they are just happy enough to share my special day with me. Even if she was disappointed she should care about you enough to respect your decision. I think you have to weigh up whether having her in your life will have a positive effect on you or whether inevitably she will continue to hurt you and lie to you in the future when she doesn't get her way..its hard to let go sometimes of people we have always cared about but I think sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and chose to protect yourself. Only you know whether you could cope without having her as a friend anymore if she reacted badly to you deciding not to have her as bridesmaid. Good Luck and I hope things work out as stress free as possible.

    p.s I think your h2b sounds lovely, he just wants to protect you and yet he's prepared to stand by you no matter what decision you make! aww! image
  • Thanks so much for your advice - you are right, I think I am answering my own question! I think I've just been trying to convince myslef that it would be ok. To be honest we've hardly talked at all in the last couple of years - alot of this is because I've moved far away but i've stayed in touch with my other friends from home - maybe this tells me something about our friendship. x
  • Hi MrsB2Be, not got much advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say that I sympathise.



    My oldest friendis a very similar character and sadly I've already asked her to be BM, knowing that she thought it was a given and that she would be devastated if she wasn't. She kind of emotionally blackmailed me into it too, emailing me the day after I got engaged saying how much she hoped I was 'let her' be one!



    Since then she's become a bit of a nightmare, won't go into too many details as don't want to completely hijack your post, but involves lots of jealous digs and making up plans that would interfere with my wedding (then denying them), turning everything (not just wedding related)into a sob story about her. But then she has moments where she's really nice and tells me how much it means to her to be BM.



    I feel like we have grown apart and that we're only really friends because of our history together and because me and our other friend (we all grew up together) are still very close. Her recent behaviour has made me realise that's she's always been self-absorbed and demands more from me than I would ask of her, but like you I feel like I just don't want to tolertate it anymore! Everyone keeps telling me to sack her and I am certainly worried about what she'll be like on the day.



    However, I know she's got A LOT of other issues going on that are causing this behaviour, and actually feel sorry for her. I feel like if our friendship is falling apart I don't my wedding to be the decider - sacking her would only give fuel to her already massive victim complex for a start! - and its more than about being a bridesmaid. I guess that was the trigger to realising the real problems though and it seems to be quite common, judging by the number of people on here who've had similar experiences with friends...



    We had a big argument about it a month ago and hopefully cleared the air. She said to our other friend (my other BM) that she was terrified I'd sack her as BM afterwards and seems to be making a real effort to rein herself in, so I am seeing how it goes....I have a year to go, so plenty of time to ask her to step down if it comes to that.



    Oh dear, that did turn into a bit of a hijack there, sorry! But just wanted to share and say that I relate! If you think you can salvage your friendship but don't want her as a BM (and it sounds like you don't in your heart of hearts) perhaps you could ask her to do a reading or something so that she still feels valued and included?



    Only do this if you truely want her to be involved though, I am realising that you shouldn't feel pressured into trying to keeping people like that happy, or feeling like you owe them a role - true friends shouldn't expect anything, and would just be honoured if you asked



    Hope you're able to sort things out x
  • I would definitely say stick to your guns. Its fairly obvious from your post that you would not be happy having her as a bridesmaid and you need to be happy on your wedding day! Since you say yourself that you dont really have much contact since you moved away, this is a clear indication of where the friendship is going. In 2 or 3 more years you might have no contact at all and it would be strange to look back at your wedding and think someone was bridesmaid who you will never see again. Good luck x
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