How did it get so complex so quickly?!

Hi all,

I have been browsing these forums since getting engaged at the end of May 2012.

In short my issues are

- managing expectations - how to manage parental contributions to the budget,

- getting the venue right - other half wants an informal party, and would prefer to be abroad and have a 3 day type celebration. I want one day, in the UK, with the traditional elements, but a relaxed atmosphere.  My other half is the pickiest person alive and keeps changing his mind and having conflicting options and I don't know how to deal with it?!

Having been with my fiance for 6 years I was over the moon and delighted we were engaged.  My mum was understandably also delighted, and having lost her husband, my dad, 7 years ago, it's given her something positive to look forward to.

My fiance and I had always pictured a wedding abroad - thinking that the sunny climate and informal atmosphere would be the best day for us given I will not have the natural choice to walk me down the aisle, and he is not one for formalities.

With a number of key family members not keen on flying long distances we very quickly ruled this out and started looking at venues nearer home - in the UK but also planning a visit to Spain.

Spain to me seemed a good idea, as my fiance knows it well - his family having spent a lot of time there over the last few years. After actually visiting venues out there though I felt that the wedding wouldn't be very "me" - Spain means nothing to me - and I felt like I'd be getting married on somebody else's turf. Hard to explain but I knew a lot of my family wouldn't go (some for money reasons, others due to age) and I just felt I wouldn't have a day where I got the "princess for the day" type experience - despite knowing the informal atmosphere would be preferable.  I also don't want a 3 day wedding celebration! Just a day will be enough...

Looking at UK venues we saw a few across the summer months, actually pre our Spain visit, and I fell in love with Cain Manor, which we saw about a month ago, part of the Bijou chain. My fiance is terrible with decisions and sort of led me to believe he liked it - before when push came to shove declaring millions of dislikes, and going on primarily about not liking the bar arrangements/alcohol cost etc - which makes me think he just believes a wedding = same as a stag do!

After this debacle we decided to reserve a date at Bury Court Barn. We have our 2nd visit on Saturday and I am just hoping my fiance doesn't come up with a whole list of reasons why he doesn't like it when we go.

I am worried not just about this but about budgeting. I think we have had a bit of confusion amongst family members regarding budget with my fiances parents thinking the contribution they might make would cover items like my dress - which of course it wouldn't and I didn't ask for. My fiance sadly won't have a straight conversation about what they will offer us - so we are in complete limbo and at risk of settling on a venue and then paying 2/3 of the costs when we sort of expected to only pay 1/3.

Everything seems complex, it's already driving me crackers, and I need some help! Any thoughts so very welcome!!



  • We have suggested to them, my other half wanted to ask his parents to contribute as well as my mum putting money in.  My mum up front said to us she would like to contribute and gave us a maximum amount.

    We were not expecting as such, I think that is never a good idea, and we can afford this wedding ourselves, but it would mean compromising to a greater or lesser extent on other lifestyle areas for the next 18months or so.



  • nats2013nats2013 Posts: 6,253
    Sophdoph86 wrote (see)

     we can afford this wedding ourselves, but it would mean compromising to a greater or lesser extent on other lifestyle areas for the next 18months or so.


    thats what most people do. plan the day you want to the budget you can afford and see how it goes from there. just because youre in the uk you dont have to have it really formal, if you want a relaxed day choose a venue which suits it. we've essentially just booked a wood for our wedding and getting everything else in separately. the only people dictating how the day will run is us, theres no one to tell us we should do this here and that then

    you need to keep talking to your man, why does he want to marry you and what does he want from the day. we're having a massive party that will go on for as long as people are still standing but AFTER we've said 'i do' and had our wedding breakfast. meaningful, gushy ceremony, followed by awesome childlike party, see if you can mix the best of both worlds for what you want. remind him he can have an epic stag do but theres a very important wedding to do afterwards

  • Wow that is very impressive saving! I believe we can finance the wedding we want at this venue.

    I think we will go ahead on the expectation we have no additional funding bar the amount I know my mum is going to contribute, and then anything else is an upside.

    It still leaves me struggling with the decision making on the venue, but I hope as nats suggested with open discussion we can both get a good balance in our day..

  • nats2013nats2013 Posts: 6,253

    tell him to open his open his mouth and be truthful! i think the you know more about what you want from your venue than you might think and the 2nd viewing will allow you to work out if its what you want and then he can decide if hes happy with it. good luck!

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