Concerns??

Hi all

I have only been engaged a couple of weeks, and my fiancee has already said that he does get 'freaked out' by talking about weddings and that for him being engaged is the same as being married and that he would only now get married because i want to. 

he wants to commiit to me and he said he wants me to be Mrs XXX but, i am concerned. I dont know what to do.. i spoke to him RE timeframe of getting married and he said he's not too bothered (but he is very laid back as i do everything in regards to planning - he is more of a 'see what goes on' type of guy) 

i feel as though me talking about a wedding may make him uncomfortable.

Can anybody offer any pearls of wisdom?

xx

Posts

  • MrsM16MrsM16 Posts: 316 New bride

    Have you asked him why he proposed if the thought of marriage freaks him out?  Was he happy just to stay engaged?

    Is it commitment or the thought of being centre of attention that makes him uncomfortable?

    xx

     

     

  • MrsM16 wrote (see post):

    Have you asked him why he proposed if the thought of marriage freaks him out?  Was he happy just to stay engaged?

    Is it commitment or the thought of being centre of attention that makes him uncomfortable?

    xx

     

     

    he said he does want me to be his wife, he is shy, so i think its more the wedding than the marriage that's freaking him out, he doesn't want to do a speech and he's scared to be the centre of attention.

    I was blunt with him and asked him would he be happy just staying engaged or does he want to get married and he said he DOES want to get married and he'd love for me to be Mrs XXX

    we made 1 forward step by deciding on a type of venue xx

  • Marija2Marija2 Posts: 362

    Pretty much every single day my husband said that he doesn't care about the wedding, that he's only doing it for me and my family. Which in a way is a big thing in my mind... If he chooses to do something he's not keen just to please me - well at least he cares! When we got engaged, he said that all he needs to do is turn up at the wedding on time and say the right name... ( it's a joke in case you are wondering :) ). But in real life, he was very involved in the wedding organizing, he had more thoughts and things he wanted to have/do for the wedding than I did. But every now and then he would remind me that he doesn't care. :) On actual day he was nervous and very very THERE.. He cried his eyes out when I was walking down the aisle and during his speech. He loved the whole day, and he keeps saying how much he wants to do it again. We have spoken about it later on, and he said that something changes in the head on a day... He says he's very proud to be married.. We need to send off his ring to have remade, but he still refuses to separate with it for a couple of weeks. :)

    Don't take it for granted, and don't make yourself upset about it... I think it's just their way of protecting their 'manliness' or whatever.. :) Keep him involved even if he says he doesn't care - run everything by him.. Don't make all decisions yourself and you will see! :)

  • wed172Bwed172B Posts: 1,258

    If its a shyness / overwhelming thing i would suggest not trying to rush him into anything. Talking about the type of day you both want before talking about dates and starting to book things will help put him at ease. I would suggest enjoy being engaged and take planning slowly at a pace you are both comfortable with. He doesn't need to do a speech and a wedding can be whatever day you want big or small and everywhere in between!

  • Mrs B2b3Mrs B2b3 Posts: 255

    You could have a very simple low key wedding.

  • I agree with the whole taking your time thing, maybe plan one thing at a time so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the groom was incredibly shy but I think the bride had prepared for this. He didn't do a speech but everyone knew he was shy so no one really expected him to. Their first dance he lasted about 30 seconds before he wanted to stop but she had obviously asked her bridesmaids to make sure they joined in with their partners as soon as he looked uncomfortable, and they kept her company on the dance floor all night. Maybe he's been to other weddings and thinks your wedding he 'has' to do all these things maybe he doesn't realise that in reality your day can be however you want it to be, regardless of tradition!! 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440
    I was blunt with him and asked him would he be happy just staying engaged or does he want to get married and he said he DOES want to get married and he'd love for me to be Mrs XXX

    I asked exactly the same thing when I thought the proposal would never happen, I asked the same thing again after he proposed because he just didn't seem 'excited' and every time I bought up 'the wedding', he didn't think it was anything to rush into.  It took him ages to propose because he just wasn't ready.

  • MrsMannionMrsMannion Posts: 1,157 New bride

    When we first got together my husband told me he never wanted to get married, i was a bit gutted but happy he told me from the beginning so if we stayed together i knew not to expect marriage, as the years passed i started to be gutted the fort of not get married so i told him and he still said he didnt want to so i left it at that, few months later he proposed to me january 2014 then we finally got married June 2016  in Rhodes.  my husband didnt help plan anything he just agreed on the place and the date i did everything else,  he always says it was the best day of his life.

  • ive come to the realisation that men don't care about the details, so me and my partner are jointly deciding on venue, food, drink and like the big stff then all the little details like decorations, seating plans and stuff will be down to me. At first I was a little upset he seemed disinterested then I put it into perspective, we decorated the bedroom last year and he helped out with the painting and choosing the carpet the main things but the decor like bedding and stuff I chose on my own and I didn't expect any help from him so i know wedding decor wouldn't be any different 😂

    With speeches, were not having speeches to keep my partner calm and relaxed on the day, he's also anxious about family stuff because his family is a little less conventional than mine but I'll do all I can to make him comfortable. Remember unless a "tradition" is important to you guys you don't need to do it!!

    xxx

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride

    This could almost be a carbon copy of what me and H2B went through, and it was horrible. I really feel for you. I know that sounds like I'm being a drama queen, but it was just such an anti-climax and I was actually quite hurt that he got my hopes up and then dashed them. Of course, he didn't do it on purpose, and it sounds like your H2B proposed with a similar sentiment, if that makes sense. 

    He's very shy and that seemed to be the main issue for him, but gradually he came round to the idea of a very small wedding (16 at the ceremony, 40 in total for the rest of the day), and he is actually really enjoying the planning now. We have recently had some bad news about his job and I asked him if he would prefer to cancel the wedding and just have a registry office do but he said absolutely no way, he would use his savings if he had to. So it just shows you that once you find the right solution, he will probably come round to it. 

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