Is it normal to feel really sad about losing my last name?

This could just be hormones but I feel really sad today thinking about how I’m going to lose my last name.

I’m going to take my fiancé’s surname because I like it and I like the idea of us having the same last name. I don’t want hyphenated and I don’t really want him to take mine so I’m not asking for advice on whether I should or shouldn’t.

I have three brothers (who I’m extremely close with) and my parents are divorced. None of us have a relationship with my father which is fine. When my parents divorced 20 years ago, my mom kept his surname as I think she wanted to have the same last name as her children. She re-married and took my stepdads last name about 3 years ago.

For some reason I just feel really sad I’m not going to have the same last name as my brothers anymore. It didn’t particularly bother me when my mom changed hers but I have really fond memories of growing up as a close family unit despite the fact we were abandoned by my dad. I don’t even associate our last name with my dad but definitely see it as a bond with my mom and brothers. Kinda like me, my siblings and my mom are “The (my surname)”. Two of my three brothers have kids that also share my current surname and for some dumb reason I feel like I’m losing a tie to my nieces and nephews too.

Even more confusing is that there’s a part of me that’s so excited to become Mrs “FH surname” yet at the same time I feel a little bit heartbroken about having to change it.

I know this is dumb but is anyone else feeling so conflicted?!

Posts

  • Me, I’m feeling a little conflicted too. 

    I actually spoke to a friend a couple of weeks ago, who’s been married for a couple of years, and she also felt the same way when taking her husbands last name. In fact she said that she wouldn’t have even bothered if it was a horrible surname 😂 I think she’s fine with it now, but there was uncertainty.  

    I only have one sister and mum and dad. None of us are close to my dads familiy (his brothers/sisters and their children - my aunts/ uncles and cousins) after lots of family drama. I think this is why I'm. feeling a little sad - my sister may soon marry too and then it will only be mum and dad who share our (current) last name.

    The thing that makes me feel somewhat better is that H2B has an alternative spelling of my mums maiden name so I feel like I’ll still keep those close family ties but from my mum’s side. 

  • I think it's really common to feel so wierd about changing your name. You go though life with your name as such an integral part of your identity and all of a sudden you're expected to change it like it doesn't mean anything. Even though you're happy and excited to do so, it's still a big decision and big change. Personally, I feel wierd about being ' Mrs FH' as obvs thats what his mum is called, and it makes me feel old!! Lol. I don't think men quite understand how it strange it actually feels to change your name tbh! 

    Is there a way you can honour your maiden name afterwards? My friend whose name was 'King' is getting a tiny crown tattoo to remember it by. And I think I may have 'C' for my maiden name engraved on a bit of jewellery. It just means we haven't completely forgotten our roots!

    X

  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 828 New bride

    This is sooo common! Totally get where you're coming from. I felt all this before the wedding, but actually now I haven't missed my old name half as much as I thought I would. It helps that I've been changing it at various places as a slow process, I haven't changed it with my bank, or on my passport or drivers license yet, so that's sort of helping phase it in? Being "The Traceys" is the best and now I'm so glad I did take my husbands surname, despite my initial sadness. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,064 New bride

    I feel like this! I might keep my maiden name at work.

  • Cat93Cat93 Posts: 109 New bride

    I will be keeping my maiden name at work only because its a professional title that I feel I worked hard for and I am proud of it being my name!

    I feel like my name is my identity and I am proud of it, my family are well known in our little village and my father a well known Dr comes with some respect and title (sounds snobbish I know but it does), we've been in the same area for what will be 25 years and we have made friends and people know us. 

    I also feel like taking on there last name you take on any mistakes that that family may have made in the past?? My other half is a farmer and within that remit they are sure to have upset some people and made enemies (As well as making a great business) along the way? I feel like any choice or comment they might make that I don't agree with I don't want my name to be associated with it or tarnish my own individual reputation? Awful I know but I will take it, but not all of a sudden the day we get married get everything changed over and change my name on Facebook etc mid-ceremony, it will be a gradual process when I am ready :) 

  • Beth_94Beth_94 Posts: 1

    I feel just as strange about it to be honest. Currently I share the same initials with my mother, but after we’re married I will have the same initials as his mother. Now that’s pretty weird. I having been umming and aahing about it myself as to whether I should keep mine or take his. My dad says I should take FH’s, my dad if a very traditional man. I’m just not sure about it yet. I’m definitely on the fence.

  • MrsHowgateMrsHowgate Posts: 1,255 New bride

    I’m keeping my surname for Work but changing it everywhere else. H2B isn’t happy I’m keeping my name for Work but understands the reasons why I am. At home and everywhere else I will be Mrs H!

  • Ashley72Ashley72 Posts: 1,135 New bride

    Yep I’m also not 100% comfy with the idea but want very much to be Mr and Mrs H, him changing his isn’t really an option as he has children. I’ve never been overly fond of my surname (commonly misspelled / unusual / lots of lame jokes are made) but all of a sudden I’m facing not being it anymore and I’m sad! It’s just a strange principal, as someone above said, to identify as a particular name your entire life and then all of a sudden that changes. I wish I felt more at ease about it. I don’t have a particularly strong ”career identity” but might keep my maiden name or use both at work and change it everywhere else. One of the things that puts me off most is that his ex wife still uses the name (despite only being married a year and actually having a different name to her children for nearly 10 years prior so I think it’s bizarre but that’s a long story!). I am trying to remind myself that I’m the only one who is the current MRS H. I was toying with the idea of making my maiden name an official middle name but I already have a middle name and not sure I’d ever bother to use it so not sure there is much point. It’s definitely a tough one. If my H2B didn’t have children I’d have forced more of a discussion about possibly both changing our names.

  • I was sad about losing mine but when it came down to it I love being Mrs husband's surname. I still get excited when I see the post and stuff, and we've been married 2 years! At the end of the day it's only a name, your identity is you! 

  • I am feeling this majorly! Like you, I definitely want to do it as I want us to officially be a family with the same last name and the same name as our future children... but I will be going from an extremely unusual Italian surname (I believe I am the only person in the UK with my name in fact!) to 'Smith'... it feels so bizarre.. part of me is excited to finally stop having to spell my name out all the time and have the confused looks, but the other part feels sad to be losing that tie to my parents and brother.... :( I guess another symptom of the patriarchy of marriage that us women have to go through!

  • OmRumOmRum Posts: 367 New bride

    I'm having the opposite problem. I've decided to keep my name and I'm now sad about not having the excitement of changing my name and becoming a Mrs HisName!

    I expect the feeling of sadness for changing your name is very common, though, like moving out of a childhood home. You know it's what you want to do, but you'll always have the attachment.

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