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what do YOU expect of your bridesmaids???


i am having a few probs with one of my bm's - she just does not seem at all interested in our wedding. its got to the point where i am considering asking her NOT to be a BM. but before i do that i want to give her one more chance. im thinking that maybe she just doesnt know what i expect of her.

I want my bms to be excited and interested in the wedding plans. i want them to want to be involved in helping me make decisions about flowers/cakes/dresses. i want them to come dress shopping with me. i want them to come and see our venue. i want them to totally organise the hen night with little or no imput from me (i want it to be a suprise). on the actual day i want them to be co-operative and to keep calm - i know ill be a nervous wreck on the day - not nervous about marrying luke, nervous about if i look ok, if the car will be there on time, if the day will go to plan etc... so i need them there for me. i expect them to be in photographs and not get fed up or get an attitude about it. it would be nice (but i dont expect it) if they could encourage guests to mingle. after the wedding breakfast im happy for them to relax and have a good time but i do not want them to get sooooo drunk that they spend the night in the toilets throwing up!! lol

what do you expect of ur BMs???

i know one of mine will be more than happy to do all of the above, but the other... well at this moment in time i'd be surprised if she even turned up on the day!!

also, honest opinions girls, ill try not to get offended! (lol) do u think i am expecting too much?

just a bit of background... both BMs are 23, ive known them both since school and they are my closest friends.

thanks!! image


  • ck579ck579 Posts: 294
    To be honest I really don't think you are expecting too much. These are all the things I have been doing with my friend who is getting married next year also and I love it, lets face it the weddings only 1 day( important one I know) but the planning is most of the fun. We are planning her hen night and it will be a surprise because thats the way she wants it.

    On the other hand my bridesmaids are doing nothng really apart from turning up on the day. My sister is a holiday rep so is only here a few weeks a year so any communication is via text/email like when deciding on a dress and my other bridesmaid is H2B sister who lives 200 miles away and very rarely vists so again hasn't been much help. However my friend who I am a bridesmaid for has been doing all the planning/organising with me so I'm not really missing out that way and I know she is planning some sort of hen night despite saying I don't want one.

    It would do no harm to explain what you expect and what roles you want them to play in the planning. It's a privledge to be asked to be a bm not a chore after all. Hope you get things sorted.

  • March08BrideMarch08Bride Posts: 1,993
    I agree, I have to say my 2 bm's are fantastic, they have been supportive, given me opinions on some things when I have asked, been dress shopping with me...I have had input on my hen night by choice, although must admit no on ewhole heartedly wanted to organsie that themselves!! But other than that, they have bene to wedding fayres with me etc...but they are my 3 best friends...tell them how u feel, just tell her how u are feeling and that you feel she is not interested etc...if she says she isn't really etc - then demote her! You don't want to be worrying about anything else other than yourself on the day! Hope u get things sorted xxxxx
  • My two bridesmaids are only going to be 2 and 5 years old, so they are too young to be involved in most things. My maid of honour will probably come along to dress appointments and things like that, but I don't expect her to do anything she doesn't want to.
  • SamiBukSamiBuk Posts: 294
    my bridesmaid will be 12 and my best woman will be my 17 yr old daughter. They have helped me choose my dress, flowers and all sorts of other things. I couldnt have done it without them.
  • AaronD2007AaronD2007 Posts: 1,059
    my bm are my sisters age 32 and 36 both have got kids so all i want them to do is be happy for me and have a good day and help me get ready on the day x
  • EmlarEmlar Posts: 1,581
    hello. thanks for all your replies. i am not having a cbm as i could not choose one over the other.

    im glad no one (so far) has said i am expecting too much - i think its down to personal preferance and the situation. such as carolines. if my bm's were miles and miles away then i wouldnt expect so much - but one lives a 15 min drive away, and she is the one whos excited and interested. the other lives a 5min (literally) drive away, but has never asked how things are coming along or anything! i asked if she would come to my venues open evening and she never text back! so it just bloody frustrates me! ive known her yrs and before i got engaged we used to talk about how and when we would have our weddings(just silly girls talk) but now its actually happening she couldnt be less interested! grrr....
  • Hi Mrs Harrison to be...

    Awww, I do sympathise with you...I had a tricky situation similar to you....please do read my thread in the May section...Should she be my bridesmaid!?!

    I think you are so right in what you expect as you really do need bridesmaids that are going to give you support in all kinds of situations...happy, stressy, upsetting moments!! You need to know that you can depend on them and also that they are really interested and excited for you too! After all its a really important the best man in some ways.....!

    Thinking of you and do let us know how things go!

  • Hi,

    I dont think that you are expecting to much - i expect the same. But both my BMs just arnt helping so its all down to me. I wonder why i bother having them.

  • laura697laura697 Posts: 313
    I agree with the others. I have my sister as my only bridesmaid and she has been fab all the way. She is interested in everything and wants to know all the details and help where she can. She was in Oz for 5 weeks but was emailing me daily to catch up on the news and see where we are up to. She arrived on Tuesday before the wedding and is refusing to leave my side until I am ready. Is learning how to put me in my dress and has a little handbag for all my essentials.

    I think being asked to be a brides maid is an honour - I did it for my sister and took it very seriously as I wanted her to have the best day ever. She said her other two bridesmaids were really a waste of space as they didn't help her at all.

    We are having same issue with Best Man as you are with bridesmaid - he finally organised the stag do - sent an email out last Friday for a night out yesterday which meant a lot of my H2B's friends couldn't come. I don't think he has a clue what is expected of him - he had internet connection in his room so could have typed in 'bestman duties' and would have taken him 2 mins to see what was involved.

    I guess the bottom line is that our wedding isn't as important to anyone else as it is to us. I want everyone to be as excited as me and I get disappointed when they aren't!

    Why not call a planning meeting and talk them both through plan between now and wedding - tell them what commitment they need and jokingly give them chance to back out!!

    Good luck!

  • I'm afraid I'm not expecting too much from my bridesmaids they have their own lives too. They have been more than patient about listening to all the things I have been talking about the last few months and whilst I am very aware that it's mostly all I talk about I know that they have other things happening in their lives. It is OUR very important day along with my H2B and I feel that it is up to us to make important decisions about food, flowers etc. Sorry if I have offended anyone but my wedding is probably not the thing they wake up thinking about like I do. Saying that they have been very supportive and always ask how the plans are going and show an interest.
  • EmlarEmlar Posts: 1,581
    hey, just to update - i went onto and found a good article of what a bm's role is. i copied the link and emailed it to both my bm's along with a lengthy email saying what and how id like them to be involved... will see if i get anything back from the problem bm!
  • I'm like Caroline1981. What you are wanting your bridesmaids to do is more than what I'm asking of mine, but it's no more than I've done for friends/family whose weddings I've been in.

    My BM's are my 3 best friends, and H2B's little sister. I picked them because they are the girls I am closest to and, therefor, the girls that I want standing with me and supporting me during the ceremony. Any extra help that they can/want to give is appreciated, but we're all scattered (around the world), and are busy people, so I'm not expecting them to help plan everything. We aren't at the point of planning stag and hen nights yet, but since it will have to be shortly before the wedding, as I will want people included who will have to travel far, I'm thinking about some sort of fun outing--either here in London, or maybe in Paris where my Maid of Honor lives.

    I've been a BM in weddings, though, where I've been very involved with the planning, and the bride has wanted her BM's to participate in everything. I agree that the planning is part of the fun!

    I guess you kind of have to think about why you chose them to be your BM's. For me it was for the wedding ceremony/day itself, but if having them involved throughout is really important to you, and they can't or won't do that, then you might have to think about that. I know it's hard to find a balance between pleasing everyone else with the wedding, and pleasing yourself with it. I'm starting to feel like a wedding is one more time in life when you find out who your true friends really are! Good luck!
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