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Opinions Please- Long Apolgies I need help Calling off?

Hi Ladies,

I'm posting on here but I suppose I should really be posting under emotional support but you guys know me and I don't really want to talk to strangers. I feel like cancelling my wedding, calling the whole thing off and leaving my H2B.

I love him so so much and can't imagine my life without him, we have some absolutely terrific times, and best moments of my life have been with him, but somtimes he makes me feel like absolute crap.

He's not working full time at the moment, he's making a little money through working with friends, and as such we have an agreement were he pays £200 to me a month and I'm paying the rent, food etc and paying for the wedding. I've always earnt more than him and always paid a little more so it doesn't really bother me. But in the past few months money has become even tighter, the wedding payments etc are more and this means I don't have a spare penny come the end of the month, H2B had asked if he can pay me £100 then another £100 towards the end of the month. Which I said was fine because it means I've still got food money etc towards end of month.

Problem is last month he told me he was getting a little more money in now and has £500 in his savings, so he agreed to buy our holiday insurance (which he still hasn't done). This will be the only thing he's paying towards for the wedding, I don't even know what we are doing about wedding rings.

This month I needed new glasses, i'm with medicash so I get the money back, I asked H2B for some of the rent money so I can pay for my glasses (I'd already paid the rent), he agreed, he now owes me another £80 which I asked for £20 today and he went totally mad at me. He said oh i'm pissing money this month aren't I.

Money is a totally taboo subject with H2B he never tells me how much he earns, even though he knows exactly what i'm on a year and anything else I make.

We ended up having a really big row and at the end of the day it's money he owes me. We've had money problems before, when he paid the rent we ended up in debt of 6 months rent and nearly got evicted because he was embarrased to say he couldn't afford the rent, and then when we changed and he just paid bills we nearly ended up in court.

We seem a lot steadier now the past 18 months but he still hides everything from me, bank statements, bills etc are all hidden away.

I keep thinking things will change when we get married.

I'm the type of person who can budget and work together if I know we're in a pickle, but finding out last minute it's too late to do anything about it.

I just don't know what to do, whenever we have a disagreement I want to talk about it to come to a solutions, H2B wants to talk a walk come back and act like nothing happened. I just don't know what to do.

I'm changing jobs at the moment, currently serving notice got another two weeks to go, and with plans for the wedding i'm just completely stressed out.

I don't know what to do. I love him but can't cope anymore.

Posts

  • FlippingfabFlippingfab Posts: 701
    Can I ask why he cant take on a Full time job? Sorry want to have a better idea of his situation before given my opinion altho I can understand totally why you are getting upset & stressed out x
  • shelleyf30shelleyf30 Posts: 3,971
    Oh babe!



    Firstly big big big hugs to you! men can be so crap but there is no need for him to hide things from you, if you are serious about how you feel then maybe it would be best to approach him whilst he can sense the seriousness of the situtaion, or you could write him a letter about how you feel.



    you need to clear this and make him aware this is not how you want to move forward, me and H2B had similar issues although i have always been the big earner but also a big spender, now i hand what i dont need over to H2B and he does the relivent saving ect, since we do this our lives have been so much better because we have actually realised how well of we can be. maybe youcuold try a similar approach, have one pot of money, you both sit down once a month and write down in a book whats coming in, whats going out and whats left and what needs to be saved, spent ect. it takes a while to get used to so it wont be easy for him but if your serious in what you say then hopfully he will adjust and soon realise that it is for the better.



    its tough being so close to the wedding, these feelings are natural but you shouldn't brush them off as the usual wedding stress, you def need to sit down together and sotrt it out, maybe if you go out by a plain hardback book, start wrting the months on a different page, outgoings, incomings ect and rather then just explaining this to him he will see for himself, if he doesn;t then it may suggest he's hiding something but you need to tread carefully as money is always an explosive situation.



    with regards to your rings HM Samual do a store card, interest free i believe and you get discount if your engaement ring came from there or ernest jones.



    how do you feel about what i have said



    xxxx



  • cluckyukcluckyuk Posts: 571
    Excellent thank you! I just feel overwhelmed it's really horrible but your suggestions really help.

    I just feel incredibly glum! xxx
  • NikNiksNikNiks Posts: 736
    Oh hun, I'm sorry to hear you feel so down, and reading your post i can see why. Money is always a subject that can cause tension, but I do think that him being so secretive is a worry, is there a historical reason he's like this or is it just recently? I know blokes tend to put their head in the sand when it comes to worries but it doesn't help does it? You guys really do need to try and talk about this otherwise it will spill over into married life, you have a right to know what problems he may or not have before you become his wife. It could just be that he feels guilty about you paying out so much for the wedding that's making him act and talk like he is, blokes can be proud little buggers and the thought of their other halves being the bread winner can dent their egos bit, but perhaps if you reassure him that as long as he does his bit, and when he can work full time he contributes his share then its ok,



    Its similar for Doug and I, I'm paying for the wedding, honeymoon and enabled us to buy our house from the proceeds i made from selling my flat, which is lot of money but I know it will all come out in the wash so to speak as he is starting to do really well in his job and will probably end up making more than me so will start contributing more, over the years it will even itself out (especially if we have a baby and I take lots of lovely time off being a mum!!)



    If you are unsure about this tho, maybe you should consider postponing for a bit until things settle down??



    Not sure what or if there is a right answer, but always here to listen



    Chin up babes

    Niks xx
  • misssparrowmisssparrow Posts: 694
    I am really sorry to hear about this, how are you feeling about it today? Have you managed to have a catch with him over the weekend? I think you have already recieved alot of good advice. I don't know if i can add anything else which may be of some help but i wanted you to know what ever the outcome we're here for you.



    If i were you, i would have to sit down with H2B and explain how you're feeling about everything and the seriousness of it all and then it is up to him to change as from what i read his behaviour isn't acceptable. Let us know how you get on xx
  • A11y50nA11y50n Posts: 498
    Didn't want to just read and run....I agree with everything everyone has said so far and, like Miss Sparrow, don't see what else I can add except to say I hope you sort things out. Money can be a very difficult and stressful topic but if you love each other as much as you say you should be able to sort this out with a good long heart to heart. We're all here for you! How did you get on over the weekend? x
  • willowadewillowade Posts: 879
    i hope you find a way thru this. i feel quite sad for you at the moment although i understand a little bit. my h2b is struggling with work at the moment cos of the recession and he has only worked about 3-4 weeks in the last 3-4 months! all our wedding budgeting was done on the basis of our earnings (allbeit the minimum earnings as we then saw) and so things have been a struggle. I have cut back on some things i wanted and i have also been paying teh bulk of the wedding. i have had a contribution of approx £300 each month from him which is not a lot at all as we have quite high childcare costs etc and i only actually work part time to ensure we can afford to work.

    I do think this is an issue that needs discussing with him but i can also see why he reacted as he did. please don't take offence at this but keep in mind how proud men are. they are always expected to be the breadwinners so if you earn more than him, he will always havea teensy bit of resentment there. not conciously always but if i find someone doing same job as me being paid more, i feel a bit narked so you can imagine how it would be for him. you are about to be married and it is his job as his vows will make clear to love and protect you but at the moment, he doens't feel he can do that. (the protect, not the love.. lol) its gonna be playing on his mind more given that you are carrying him at the moment and everytime you ask him for money, even though you have every right to, he is going to feel like its another dig and it going to get his back up. If i didn't have kids, i would prob have been getting a night job in the lead up to the wedding. unfortunatley, i lose even more money if i do that and it is really tight but if you can get thru this, you can get thru anything. let him know that you want to work together on this and start as you mean to go on.. as a team. I hope you fnd some solutions but we are all here if you need to vent.. i am sure many of us have felt much the same at times!
  • cluckyukcluckyuk Posts: 571
    Hi Girls,



    Thanks for being a tower of strength, it's impossible to speak to him, but we had a small talk at the weekend and he's agreed to be a little more open with me, so we can work together more.

    It's just frustrating because i've been asking for this since we met, but never mind. We'll get there I think.

    Thanks!

    Claire
  • willowadewillowade Posts: 879
    its a start. better to make small changes that you can keep up with and build on than to have a complete about turn that will never last.



    have you loked at e-weddingbands.com? I am going o get mine from there. not seen a single bad review from all the searches i have done and for £350, I am getting myself a 4mm band in 18k WG and for h2b, a 10k WG heavy band. That price includdes engraving for ours which is more special to us than diamonds. We originally wanted something quite ornate but our marriage is for us.. not for others so we are keeping our rings meaningful but simple. x



    good luck with things and we are all here if you need a place to vent. x
  • nicolac34nicolac34 Posts: 738
    Hiya Clucky



    Sorry you're having to go through this, money seems to be one of the biggest deal-breakers between couples and I really hope you manage to work it out.



    Yes men can be proud and want to earn the money - but I see this as quite outdated in today's world. He needs to realise that women are more than capable of supporting the family and to sulk and not talk about it means that he's behaving immaturely and putting undue pressure on you.



    Marrigae is a huge commitment to each other and everything you have will become joint, I'd be wary if this was still hanging over you unresolved. It's the hiding and secrecy I wouldn't be able to stand for, I need to know what we have and then we can work out what we can spend. I'm also the main earner in the relationship and have been for a number of years now. We have a joint account that we each pay the same amount into to cover all joint expenses (rent, food, car, meals out etc) and then we split what's left of our income between us into our own bank accounts.



    I was once SUPER bad with money, racking up over £40k worth of debt and it took many arguments and reality checks before h2b and I worked it out. Now you can't get money out of my purse image and next year (after 6 years) I'll finally be debt free.



    You really need to be able to work together on this, and don't stand for any more sulking!



    xx
  • misssparrowmisssparrow Posts: 694
    Hey Claire,



    How are you feeling? I hope the small chat has worked out and things are moving aslong more smoothly. Big loves xx
  • cluckyukcluckyuk Posts: 571
    Hi Girls,



    We seem ok at the moment, he's being a little more honest and all is well. Fingers crossed it's working for good.



    Thanks

    xxx
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