Pleassssssseeeee tell me i'm not the only one that cant decide on having a baby or not?

I got married three years ago and i'm not sure if i want children or not?  I feel i'm being forced into a decision because of my age and its driving me insane!  I've never been a maternal person.  As a kid my friends would have dolls while i wanted a football!!!

Continually all my friends keep asking me about children and to "hurry up" and get on with it as they say i will regret it when its too late?  But surely this cant be a reason to have a child???  I'm soooo confused!! image


  • Im not a maternal person at all, and my daughter (whos now 6) was a bit of an oopsie, lol. However I wouldnt change a thing. As for the maternal thing, that just kicks in. I have no maternal feelings at all towards other peoples children and have no desire to hold babies or anything, but with your own its different.

    I would say though, that theyre hard work. My two are so laid back and slept through from about 6 weeks, but theyre a huge drain financially, they put a halt to your career for a while, and they cause a huge amount of worry...even when everything is fine you worry about them image Dont have them just because its expected of you. My neighbours have just got married after being together for nearly 20 years, theyve both hit their 40s and neither wanted children. They have a great life together.

  • i have literally let out a massive sigh of relief!  thats all i wanted to hear image

    My husband and I are so unbelievably happy and i love my life.  Finance would def big a big problem if we were to think about having one.  I'm an only child and have literally no one to look after it and the childcare fees are ridiculous.  Financially i wouldn't be able to consider it for another couple of years anyway.  Just wish my friends and family would back off and then i wouldn't be sitting thinking about it.

    Your neighbours sounds awesome by the way lol! 

    Thank you so much for your comment! image xx

  • mandy503mandy503 Posts: 2,066

    No your right, worrying about your age is not a good reason to have a child! 

    How does your husband feel about it? Does he want children? Had you spoken about these decisions before you married? 

    When you picture your future, what do you see? The life you lead together now, or a house with children? Does the image make you happy? 

    There is no one out there who can make the decision for you, so go have a think about what you really want (without worrying about you age or that clock ticking away - try to think about it as if these weren't issues!!) and then have an open and frank discussion with your husband. 

    Good luck hon, its not an easy thing to have to think about!! Xx

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    Like other people have said, no one can make that decision except you - and you definitely shouldn't have a child out of pressure of age/family!  I know several very very happy couples who don't have children either because it didn't work out or they never wanted them.  Got to say they are the ones with the great houses and fab holidays!  (And they are very happy together!) x

  • hey mandy yeah, we had spoken about it loads.

    He's the exact same as me, in fact he'll pretty much do whatever makes me happy, but at the minute we both know we have a great thing goin on with it just being us and the dogs lol! image  I'm a taurus and i blame that for making me be the most indecisive person in the world ha ha!!  I'll chat it over with the better half tonight x

    franita thats all i wanna hear, is that childless families are still happy.  thanks xx

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    Well if it helps, a colleague (she is unhappily married with kids of 17,15 and 11) and I were looking at a couple in their 40s and how in love they were, commenting on what a great couple they are (we both know them really well and they are perfect together).  My colleague turned to me and said "It's because they don't have kids". So yes, tongue in cheek maybe, and not saying people with kids are necessarily UNhappy, but I know some lovely and ecstatically happy couples without them. x

  • nats2013nats2013 Posts: 6,253

    i think youve just answered it, youre not ready yet


    just because your biological clock ticks doesnt mean if you really wanted them in later life you couldnt have them somehow whether thats a late child (my aunt had her last at 43), ivf or adoption. my mum does say she never felt like she wanted children and they waited 7 years after marrying before tey had my sister but shes really glad shes had them and wouldnt change it whereas one of my friends who have been married 20 years say they couldt ever imagined having children, they dont feel like theyve missed out, theyve always had 2 dogs (not the same 2, theyre on nukmbers 7 ad 8 now) and theyre very happy like that. another person i know is currently havng a crisi because shes been through the menapause which for her means shell never have children (she doesnt feel she could adopt) and its devistating to her because she always wanted to be a mum and have a big family but wasnt settled enough until too late and so it never happened. shes just starting to come out the other side of it now and be happy again just her and her husband.


    no one couple are the same but a childless couple doesnt mean an unhappy couple. take your time, you dont really have to be rushed

  • BabyZebedeeBabyZebedee Posts: 2,421

    I never wanted kids, got to 36 and still didn't until 6 months ago then over night (literally, I had a dream about having a baby) it changed. That said, it's still not an overwhelming desire, we are TTC but if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen.

    There is nothing wrong with not wanting children, don't let people tell you there is. I understand the age pressure, when I hit 35 I thought if I was going to ever hear my biological clock ticking it had better happen soon.

    We have a good life, I know babies will mess that up if we do conceive, I plan to keep living my life and enjoying it in the meantime.

    Please don't worry or try to force the decision. You'll either wake up one day and feel differently or you won't.

  • i'm so glad i consulted this forum!!  Franita thats so lovely to hear!!

    Feel loads better now.  I just felt like i was totally on my own and that there was something wrong with me for not being maternal.  Some friends and family can make you feel horrible, especially on sensitive issues such as this.  I agree Nats, I'm just not ready.

    Babyzebedee good luck!  thats fantastic.  I wish you all the very best. 

    Thanks everyone for your advice! it really means a lot xx

  • Aww rubyring exactly!!

    the whole age thing is a ridiculous reason to have children.  All these comments have made me open my eyes image

  • Hi Michelle

    I'm with you on the total indecision of it all. I went through a period about 3 months ago of desperatly wanting a child, trying to get my hubby to tie down to a date that we would TTC and even came off the pill in preparation.

    That was an eye-opener, we decided that we just weren't ready and I went back on the pill and now I'm like the anti-child person! Everywhere I look I see children screaming at their parents, running around, stressed out mums who just look absolutley knackered. That's not what I want for myself or my marriage.

    We have a nice life just the two of us, and for now we'll be keeping it that way. We've also chatted about whether we should just have one child, it means there's no 'clock' ticking right now (I'm 30) and we can wait a lot longer and we'll be able to devote more time and energy into one child - and I wouldn't have to give up so much (career and time wise).

    Such a hard choice, I never realised it would be!xx

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