Pushed out

Hi I am new to this and reading your stories about your Mothers being horrid I feel for you and wish some of you were my daughters.

Ever since my daughter announced her engagement it seems as if her father and I are being pushed away. We are contributing financially and have given them a figure to work with. (nothing has been offered from the grooms side). They want to do it all themselves, but grooms mother and father and sister want to do the flowers, decorate the cake and do the music and be bridesmaid.

I am itching to help out with ideas for catering, favours and invites etc, but she shrugs it off and says she and fiance will do it all.

Now to cap it all she thinks it would be nice to have just friends not family on the top table.

We used to be so close, my heart is at breaking point.


  • Hi. I was really sad to hear your story. I am getting married next year but I hope I haven't made my mum or the grooms family feel the way you do. Is your daughter aware of what she's doing because it might be just that she's got so caught up in the wedding that she hasn't realised. It might be worth sitting down with her and explaining how youre feeling.

    The other thing is that in my situation my mum can't really afford to contribute to the wedding and so the parents of the groom are paying for the reception. Because I don't want my mum to feel bad about this I've tried to give her little things to make her feel involved. Do you think this might be what your daughter is doing with the grooms family?
  • Thanks fordkim,

    I am pretty sure they can afford to match us pound for pound, if they wanted to.

    It does seem as if neither of them can say no to his family.

    Even getting her to talk about the wedding is an effort. She isnt the best at coordinating and organising events and tends to leave things to the last moment

    As she is my only daughter I did have this image of planning things together.

  • Why dont you get some brochures for hotels, from catering companies etc and then arrange to go out for lunch with your daughter and give her the brochures. I am sure she will that be excited she will start talking about the wedding whilst flicking through the brochures and you can then join in, if she doesn't look at them you could just tell her that you are there to support her, would love to help her and be involved.

    I am feeling alot of pressure from my future in laws to do things there way, after all I am marrying into their family and I want us to get on but I am still trying to involve my parents. It is hard because everyone wants their say, but I know I couldn't be planning my wedding without my mum and I am sure your daughter is not intentionally cutting you out.

    [Modified by: LakeGarda on February 04, 2007 05:40 PM]
  • Hello Tumbleweed,

    sorry to hear about this, seems a bit unfair as they are taking your money but don't really want to interact.

    My Family is living in Germany and I feel like its all just ending on my shoulders as I am not getting a massive help from Fiances Family. Its really a shame as I think its a reall family event. Otherwise I could have just planned it somewhere on a nice beach with just the 2 of us....

    Hope she will change her mind and involve you a bit more. Have you told her your feelings?

  • Really feel for you- this is such an exciting time. I agree with the other ladies- go for a nice lunch or maybe see about going to try on some dresses. If you ask her for help with your outfit she'll see how important the wedding is to you.

    Interesting to have the other perspective- so easy to get wrapped up in being a bridezilla and not consider how you're affecting those close to you.

    Good luck x
  • Bless you all for answering and helping, its good to have spoken my feelings. I am seeing my daughter this weekend hopefully (if she isnt too busy again) and I will try and have a chat about it with her.
  • You have to talk to her about it - she can't mean to shut you out. is she getting any pressure from H2B about involving his family. It is nice they want to help but rather convenient they aren't contributing anything. My mum and dad are paying for virtually everything but they are involved right up to everything. This is a one off chance so tell her how you feel and what it is doing to you. Remember if it wasn't for yo uguys there would be no wedding!
  • As most of the posters have said, you really should tell her how you're feeling. She might take it as an opportunity to open up to you. You don't know what her reasons are for involving his family - as you say, she may just feel like she can't say no, in which case she'll probably love having you to confide in about that.

    Also, if you offer your help, she may be able to use that as an excuse for telling his family to butt out on some things - that you are handling them.

    I don't have this problem with my mum, fortunately. H2B's parents have been lukewarm with us ever since we announced our engagement and we get the distinct impression that they don't want to be involved at all (even though they live 10miles away and could come and see venues with us etc, whereas my parents live 300miles away and can't just "pop over").

    I've explained that to my parents and they've been incredibly supportive - I ring them often to let them know what we've been doing and asking for their input. I'm forever sending them links to things and sending them pictures I've taken They are basically in charge of rallying the Southern contingent lol! Dad has also now agreed to give us even more money towards teh wedding (thanks dad!) because we don't think that H2B's parents will end up contributing anything, and he doesn't want us worrying about that on top of everything else.

    i really hope you sort it with your daughter. I was never really close with my mum until I went to University, and now I can't imagine her not being there every step of the way!
  • Thought my story might be of some help - I live 150 miles away from my mum and am getting married near where i live now (i did discuss getting married near mum's back in july but agreed that as most of the family live in scotland there wasn't much point)

    Myself and H2b have been happily sorting out wedding things and showed mum our design for the invitation. she was upset because it wasn't traditional. however, she'd never said she'd imagined traditional invites for her daughters wedding.

    She did then tell me she was feeling left out and wanted to be more involved. I had no idea - up til then I believed what she'd told me - that she would help if I needed her to. What she actually meant then I know now was that she wanted to be consulted, even if I didn't always choose to do things her way. Since then we have arranged to go to a local wedding fayre near here, then another weekend i'm going home to look for things like shoes where it doesn't matter if they're from near to where i'm getting married or not.

    So the moral of the story is... you have to tell her you feel left out! I hope you enjoy planning her wedding together.
  • Hello Ladies,

    I mentioned My daughter was coming to visit this weekend and I would chat with her, well she did come over and I asked her if she would like to go to a wedding fayre with me (sneeky eh?)image

    We then spent the rest of the afternoon and evening chatting and looking on the net for bits and pieces now she has the makings of a lovely theme coming together.

    She hadnt realised I was feeling pushed out and was wrapped up in it being her and H2B's day.

    I know it is their special day and one they will be proud to achieve themselves, she has my backing and my help in any way she needs.

    Shes going to pop over in a week or two so we can test out some of the crafty bits together to see what works. (and if we can do them ourselves)

    It was just so nice to talk girly weddingy stuff with her, thats all I really wanted, not to say what I want (its not my wedding) but to listen to what she wants and to try and help make it work.

    Times have changed since us Mums got married when the brides family arranged most things within their budget, thank goodness I dont have to do that.

    I hope this tale of mine helps some of you chat to your Mums and for the Mums to let your lovely brides plan their day the way they want it to be.
  • tumbleweed,

    im glad you got things sorted with your daughter, its really nice to see things from another point of view. maybe us brides on here get a little too focused sometimes!

    have fun sorting your cratfy things out!

  • Sorry to hear that your daughter is being like this xx would you like to be my mum? =0) My mum doesn't care what is happening with the wedding unless its got to do with who out of her friends and family is coming and what she and my sister is wearing... she hasn't asked to help with anything... she doesn't ask about flowers or bridemaid dresses or cakes... Sadly enough my mother in law has been more help than my mum! Who knows why everyone gets so mad/manic when it comes to weddings!
  • kathrynoukkathrynouk Posts: 2,250

    She did then tell me she was feeling left out and wanted to be more involved. I had no idea - up til then I believed what she'd told me - that she would help if I needed her to. What she actually meant then I know now was that she wanted to be consulted, even if I didn't always choose to do things her way. Since then we have arranged to go to a local wedding fayre near here, then another weekend i'm going home to look for things like shoes where it doesn't matter if they're from near to where i'm getting married or not.


    Completely agree with this, I had no idea with my mum until she said something to my sister who then in turn told me that she was stressing out in her eliquant way.

    Now I ask several things but where I need her such as wording on invites is starting now anyway so I am having her help.

    Plus the venue is near her so she is a go between with them. Oh and her friend is doing some of the calligraphy

  • She is so lucky to have a mum like you - my mum is doing nothing for my wedding - just gtg her outfit sorted was a major drama and she wont wear a dress/skirt or hat - she will basically look like she's going to the library when the rest of the wedding party will be all dressed up - i am glad to an extent becasue i have it all organsised and we are paying for everything - which i would prefer to parents paying and having any input really - the only prob is when it gets to the time to thank MIL for the cake/gtg step sons to wedding/ and friends for making flowers/putting music list together/bring cars etc - my mum will be the only one who has not helped at all! Maybe then it will dawn on her how much we all have done!

    Im glad you sorted it with your daughter - have a great time

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