Mother driving me mad!!

Hi girls,



Sorry if this is going to sound harsh but my mother is driving me up the wall. To cut a long story short since my H2B and i decided not to invite children to our wedding, which my parents had no problem with, my aunt (my mothers sister) refused to come. My mum and aunt are/were very close and since then have barely been on speaking terms. My mother keeps telling me how she is upset that none of her family are going to be there (which i find hugely insulting) and i know in her mind she has written off the day thinking that it won't be enjoyable. She has also started having panic attacks about the day and making herself ill worrying about it. I have taken full responsibility of organising the whole thing so she can't have anything to worry about but she still insists on stressing about everything to do with it. I am not trying to be selfish but i find her constant stressing a burden and it makes me worry more about the day. I am really worried she is going to drive me mad on the day of the wedding or get herself into such a state that she is unwell. Have tried talking to my father about this but he is just like 'she'll be fine'!!



Any advice hugely appreciate!

Posts

  • OMG I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I have everything under control untilI speak to my mum. The only stress I haev had with the wedding is to do with Guest Lists (H2B's Mum wanting all 23 of his cousins to attend, adn if they aren't invted the aunts and uncles won't come!!! ) I have come to the conclusion that if people really love me and want to see me get married then they will come hell or high water. If they decide not to then they probably aren't worth worrying about. As for your mujm, sounds harsh but having 2 of you stressed will not make things any better. Let your dad take care of your mum and enjoy the build up to your wedding. You could always enlistt he help of a sibling/ bridesmaid etc to keep your mum calm/or at least away from you if she is not clam on the big day. The most important thing is that you and your husband enjoy the day, leave your dad to worry about your mum, it's his job!!
  • Hi



    I think you are right, i think i need to get my brother and dad to help me out the morning of the wedding and without sounding harsh..keep her away from me. Maybe it will all turn out ok with everyones help, fingers crossed.:\)
  • Hi I have just found this chat as was going to post my ver own on Mother who is driving me utterly crazy!!

    She can`t seem to understand that it`s my H2B and my day, we`ve have planned everything and both seem really calm and collected and happy about our choices until we then speak to my mum and it always ends in tears. If she doesn`t like something even though it`s our own preference we never hear the end of it and will stop speaking to me until I back down. For example my H2B and I had decided we didn`t want a professional video taken of our wedding but were happy for guests to make their own film, my mum demanded that we have a video taken not taking into consideration why we have chosen not too and said she`s booked, paid for it so we`re having one end of discussion. Our venue is very small as we only wanted a small wedding of close family but mainly friends, we`ve tried to accomodate all my mums friends even though it has meant missing some of ours off, she seems to think this is fine where as I`m a little karked as I don`t even know half of them!! I`ve got to the point where I`d rather plan things on my own then get into an argument with my mum. My H2B and I are paying towards the wedding but can`t afford to pay for the reception ie food and drinks so my parents are paying for that, I really wish we could afford to pay for everythinn so we don`t feel as if my parents especially my mum has the final say on everything.

    Do you think I`m over reacting and getting upset for no reason? How would you handle if you were in my shoes, I`ve tried talking about it reasonably but I always end up in tears, I wish she realised it was our day and we would like the things we want, the people there we want and they day to go as we planned. I`m even considering taking a loan out so we don`t have ask them for any money- What do you think?? xx
  • I totally sympathise on the mum debate. Mine is exactly the same. She doesn't like anything that I and h2b choose and whinges about everything.



    I've basically had to get really tough with her and tell her that our decision is final and if she doesn't like it then don't come. I know how horrible that sounds but it seems to be the only thing to shock her into reality.



    I guess it's also really important to be clear with your parents and say that you are extremely grateful for their financial support but it is your day and not theirs. A lot easier said than done I know but if you tell them that you feel like you are losing control of your special day and its drifting further and further away from what you want it to be then I am sure they will start to come round.



    This is what I've done with my Mum (mum and dad are divorced and dad's the much easier going one) and manipulative as it sounds you have to play on their emotions, make them feel a bit guilty and then they start to come round. At the end of the day they are making you feel unhappy at the moment and for them to start to understand how you are feeling can't be a bad thing.



    Hope this helps xx
  • leafyukleafyuk Posts: 2,182
    I really do feel sympathy for you girls, as it can be very stressful planning a wedding. It is difficult when you have one idea about how you want things, and your parents have another.



    In a perfect world, our families would just give us cash and say "do what you want with it" but most are not like this because they have invested their hard-earned money into it and want to be happy how it's spent. Also, our parents are from a different generation, and even if your parents are not 60+, they will have learnt old-fashioned views about marriage from their parents. It wasn't very long ago that a bride's family paid for the entire wedding and it was seen as a party thrown by the bride's parents (hence the traditional invitations with "Mr and Mrs Smith request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter...") and, as such, all the bride's parents' friends and relatives were invited, and the bride and groom were lucky to get more than a few of their own friends invited. When things changed to people getting married later in life - often after they'd left home and were earning money of their own - the wedding became something that was seen as being arranged by the bride and groom (which, of course, it is - we no longer rely on our parents' consent about who we marry, even if our H2Bs might ask for our fathers blessing beforehand out of courtesy, and we no longer rely on them to organise the wedding. We usually set the date and we often choose the venue etc) That's why we think it's OUR day and we should have it as WE want. But the problem is that we are trying to mix this modern attitude/approach, with the old traditional way of parents paying for it (or helping to pay for it). So there is confusion over who gets to take part in making decisions and who gets invited e.g. mum's friends.



    You are right that it is your wedding day, but as they are paying for it, it's only fair that they get some say in it, no matter how much you don't like it. If you haven't had a child married, then you may not know this, but your parents know that their friends and family members will see the wedding (venue, flowers, food, etc) as a reflection of THEM as much as of YOU and H2B, so of course they want to like it and be proud of it. When parents host a reception, older generation guests really do see it as reflecting the tastes and choices of the parents, as well as the bride and groom. You might think this is nuts, but just think how much pressure your parents must feel! Especially mums, who are aware of this kind of thing!



    I'm not saying your mums are right - they sound very frustrating to deal with! - but I'm just saying, step back and see where they are coming form , so you have a bit of sympathy for them. I think that when you can see someone else's point of view, they are a lot easier to deal with.



    Having seen a friend do this, I would personally recommend that you devise a strategy for listening to your parents and letting them know you are taking their thoughts into consideration. Then even if you don't do it their way, they will still feel like they have been appreciated - something we all want when we give people a gift, and your parents are giving you a very important gift, by paying for something that you insist on calling YOUR day. This must be hard for them to hear when they are paying for it! To them it probably feels equally their day, because not only are they paying for it, but it is an important day in the life of a child they gave birth to and have known since day 1. Also because, as I've already said, this was once something the parents entirely organised and paid for and was seen as a reflection on THEM by the guests.



    So for example my friend would do this great thing where she's listen to her mother's ideas, say they sounded good/interesting/etc, and that she'd have a think about it. She found that her mother was then much better at accepting her wanting something else when they next spoke. And she would word it like, "You idea for a sushi bar at the reception was really creative and different, and I think it's a really good idea, but think I'd prefer waiters going round with canap????s, mostly because it would suit the style of the venue better, and because it would be more cost effective." If your mum still doesn't agree, try not to fly off the handle, as this is never going to help her accept your decision. You will have to PERSUADE her (nicely, politely, with a good sense of humour) because, like it or not, you need her approval because she's paying for these things!



    This is not just to keep your mothers happy girls - it's to keep YOU sane! No one needs the stress of an unhappy mother-of-the-bride! image
  • I don't understand my mother at the moment... she's not paying for any part of the wedding except my wedding dress... I told her no children which she hasn't passed along to family who have now booked flights and hotel rooms for (9-11 children even though I didn't want to invite them) When i bought her up on this she told me I had to compromise! ME! When I bring it up... she asks how many people my h2b is inviting... like this is some competion instead of my bleeding wedding! She even had the cheek to say when I mentioned no children again she said my half sister (who is four) is coming! Its my bleeding sister!!! what would she want me to say! Its so stupid its funny...



    I have now gotten to the point where I don't care what she does or thinks... This day is about me and my h2b and to be fair if I'm happy everyone can go JUMP!
  • dippy_moo86dippy_moo86 Posts: 1,863
    hi girls my mum is very similar and because she didnt have the wedding she wanted thinks she can control mine. she never phones to ask about the wedding and she never visits unless she rings and says she is on her way (without asking) and still generally doesnt help with anything. The only time she is interested is when someone asks about it and she is there then she acts like supermum! She makes out she has helped do everything and she hasn't the only thing she has seen is the wedding cake then went on about how she will help pay for everything and doesnt - i wouldnt mind but when she tells people that she will pay for stuff for them e.g. bridesmaid shoes then turns around and says when are you going to pay for that i have every right to get mad! ITs like with the invitations she said she would help when she turned up at our house the other day i was making them she just sat watching tele no offer to help! I am dreading the wedding and spending 2 weeks in mexico with her she is a nightmare on holiday and will generally make your life hell if you do not do what she wants to all day. Her usual thing is if they are coming i wont etc so now i just say oh well! Harsh i know but we have never been close as she can be very selfish, H2b is the complete opposite and wants to help but darent incase she is stepping on my mums toes so have been left with it all to do myself. Im so annoyed with her, she has even had her work colleages email me saying it is her day to and she deserves to be pampered! I have to do everything for her we have had to book her holiday for her, book the taxi for the airport hotel for the airport, hairdressers appt even though she has now decided she doesnt like our hairdresser or how she cuts her hair so wont have it cut as she said i told her she had to grow it - which i didnt!

    Im getting to the point where i dont care anymore and i dont ask her opinion im just focused on H2b! Just hope she doesnt tantrum on the wedding day
  • thumpertoo2thumpertoo2 Posts: 2,138
    emily there are some sensible points here but can I ask if you have spoken to the aunt concerned?

    Perhaps if you explain the situation and tell her how upset your Mum and you are that she is not going to be there she will relent? Think about what you want to say and how to get your point across, and try to be calm and collected and not get drawn into an arguement - if the aunt gets heated then just say you are sorry she feels that way and that as you have said both you and your parents would be thrilled if she came and leave it at that.



    It is hard and weddings do seem to throw up some 'childish' reactions but as has been said anyone who loves you will be there for such a special occasion, there is always someone who can have the children who are not invited.



    good luck
  • I had a very interfering sister at the start - not such serious problems, but enough to make the initial 6 months of engagement v stressful (big family row, didn't speak to my mum for weeks). My friend gave me a t-shirt from her shop ( http://www.cafepress.com/whosewedding ) which said "whose wedding?" on the front and "my wedding!" on the back. I wore it dress shopping (was the one area where there was no interference, so it wasn't a red-rag-to-a-bull situation, was just like a friendly joke/reminder) and it seemed to get through to my sister in an informal way.
  • TriTreadTriTread Posts: 314
    Gosh I guess I'm very lucky. My parents (divorced) have given me the money and told me to do what I want. There have been a couple of small issues over who's invited but overall I've been left to my own devices. In fact, I'm kind of sad they are not more interested. I guess we're never satisfied are we?
  • clairethornclairethorn Posts: 131
    thank god, i thought it was just my mum who is driving me mad!! she keeps trying to guilt-trip me and is doing my head in!!! she has taken the liberty of ordering me a tiara because she said the person who makes them will make exactly what we want...but did not ask me what i wanted before she ordered it! also she thinks i should wear a certain style of dress and to be honest, not what i want at all. i went dress shopping alone cos i thought if she came with me i would punch her! she has lent me jewellery to wear on the day, and i don't want to. now she says she is 'devastated' that she didn't pick dress with me, and says she is hurt that she has not been more involved. we have involved her as much as possible so i don't get it!

    it's got to the point where i can't even talk to her!!!!!
  • Sophie2007ukSophie2007uk Posts: 1,127
    fluff you said "Our venue is very small as we only wanted a small wedding of close family but mainly friends, we`ve tried to accomodate all my mums friends even though it has meant missing some of ours off, she seems to think this is fine where as I`m a little karked as I don`t even know half of them!!"



    i cant believe you are doing this, i mean whose wedding is it yours or your mums?! i mean obv its up to you what you wanna do but i think your crazy and im sure everyone else would agree! i would much rather invite my friends to my wedding than my mums friends i dont even know. to be honest i dont get why youve done it!

    [Modified by: Sophie2007 on July 21, 2008 02:57 PM]

  • helikerrihelikerri Posts: 13
    I can't tell you how relieved I am to read that other brides are going through exactly what I am.

    We hadn't even booked the venue/chosen a date and already my mum was critising what ideas me and h2b had already though of. Telling (not advising) what I can/cannot do and we've had a massive row and I am yet to tell her that we've now booked a venue and date.

    She's my best friend and I hate that there is a rift already, but how can I manage to keep this up for another year? I'm sure i'll have a breakdown before the big day.

    My dad doesn't want to get involved (he doesn't want to wear a suit either - another sore point) and h2b has enough to complain about her even without the wedding business.

    My parents are contributing a 1/3 but I feel like telling them to keep their money as I know it'll get thrown back in my face.

    How do you all manage without telling them - 'well don't come then'? Help :\(
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