My mum keeps rubbishing all my ideas!argh!

This may seem extremely trivial but its bothering me now! First it was the calla lillies my mum didnt like, but I have stuck with them cos I like them!

Then she doesnt understand why we arent having a top table - there's no need! Its a 4pm wedding, no wedding breakfast just an evening reception with buffet!

Then she's upset I wont invite my cousins who I havent seen for over a decade and I dont see the point, I'd rather have people there who we see regularly she offered to pay for my cousins food which wasnt the issue, there isnt the room to invite 6 more plus their partners.

Anyway, I ad the idea that I'd like to walk down the 'aisle' (its a civil ceremony, quite a small room) LAST. ie. first h2bs 9 yr old son (pageboy) and h2bs 5 yr old daughter (bmaid), then my bro, who is 21 and usher and my sis, who is 20 and bmaid, then, after they've got to front, me and my dad. This idea was totally rubbished as 'not the way its done' and I HAVE to walk in first.

From a practical point of view, its a small room so surely would be easier if the others are in and seated before I walk in.

I dont know if I should just give in or fight for it. H2b and me are paying for the wedding, my mum bought my dress and bmaids dresses, so theres no financial 'hold'. I am quite a nervous person anyway and I just feel better about going in last...

So I wondered what you girls thought, and if any of you are walking down the aisle after your bridesmaids??

Lucy x:\?


  • gailnmikegailnmike Posts: 160

    Were having a civil ceremony and you just raised a really good point there, For a start I didn't think there were any hard and fast rules because of it being a civil ceremony as to who comes down the aisle first. So I would recommend you do what YOU are comfortable with.

    Also I actually think its a sensible idea, and I'm going to ask H2B tonight what he thinks because I hadn't thought about the space issue. I think it would be awkward for my bridesmaids etc to come in behind me and then try and shuffle into there seats so I for one think what you suggest is a really good idea.

    Hope that helps


  • dlwdlw Posts: 172
    i'm definitely going to walk in last, think it becoming more and more popular to do it like this. went to 2 weddings last year and it was done this way at both. if that's what you want to do, you should do it. x
  • buckybeebuckybee Posts: 1,092

    I can totally sympathise with you. I wish I got £1.00 for every time my mum said "It just isn't the way things are done darling."

    If you are paying for the shebang then you do things your way, otherwise you'll spend the day being hacked off.

    Good luck xxx

  • rarajdukrarajduk Posts: 1,784
    I've said the same to buckybee, but I really think there is no such "done thing" nowadays!

    Your idea of having you attendants walk down the aisle first is great....that way ALL eyes are on you (hehe) image #

    Sounds like your mum needs something to keep her occupied! Maybe she could make up favours or chase RSVPs?!?! Nod, smile etc when she starts commenting on your plans and then do what you want on YOUR day.

    Have fun!
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Thanks for all your replies,

    I discussed it again with h2b and he said its totally up to me and he'll back me 100%, so I am going to walk down the 'aisle' last. Might not tell her and let it be a suprise......haha! lol!
  • spunfaerieukspunfaerieuk Posts: 1,347
    It's actually tradition in North America to walk in last, and since my H2B is Canadian I'll be adopted that tradition for my own wedding. I've always liked the way that looks anyway! I can understand your reasoning and it's very practical so your Mum is just going to have to accept that it's YOUR day and you'll do things the way you want to!
  • DaddyorChipsDaddyorChips Posts: 9,196
    Sorry but i just get a little naggy when other people try to have the wedding they want and try to get the Bride and Groom to incoperate their ideas where they are not wanted. Be firm and tell your Mum it is your wedding and this is how you want it to be.
  • Lou_1986Lou_1986 Posts: 1,584
    i think i will go down last aswell, we are also having a civil and i dont want my bridesmaids trying to sqeeze in behind me or me having to move out the way so they can sit down, i want to get to the end and look at my sexy h2b stood there looking at me like im a princess image

    do what you want to do hun it is your wedding xx
  • lucyrmacklinlucyrmacklin Posts: 2,316
    I had no idea that the bride didn't walk in last! At every wedding I've been to the attendents always walked in first with the bride coming in last to wow everyone with the gorgeous dress!

    It's your wedding sweet so do what you want. I sympathise with you not wanting to tell your mum until you actually walk down the aisle. If she's anything like my mum it's far easier to just nod and smile and do your own thing anyway! x x x
  • Lou_1986Lou_1986 Posts: 1,584
    i think the thing used to be that the bridesmaids held the train of the dress so they were behind the bride, it is not like that now though and i think you can do it however you want. my grandad had to explain to my nan (a church goer) that you can get married in other places when she was told we would be getting married in a hotel lol
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Thanks for all your replies,

    I saw my mum on friday and I explained that I'd really like to go in last, and practically it would work out easier, and she gave me the 'mum disapproval' look but didnt say anything. See what she says nearer the time but hopefully she's accepted I want to do it my way!

  • Hi lilacluce,

    I can see some of your'e Mothers concerns, though you may not want to hear them.

    Weddings used to be a family affair and a way of drawing you all together, not a party/freeforall for passing friends/workmates... if you close out your cousins your Mum (and her sister/brother or whoever's children they are) could see it as a snub on their family. She will bear the brunt of this.

    Here's something to ponder on.

    The reason the blushing bride and her father walked in first was so everyone could have a good view of her as she walked towards her husband to be, and he could turn to see her smiling as she came towards him... he wont get that privelege if you are hidden behind a bunch of people.

    The entourage peels off behind you to take their places while the 2 of you gaze into each others faces.

    (if its really a small room why not send them all in first and wait until they are all seated before you and your Dad make that final walk as his little girl together)

    The lilly thing may just be a throw back from when they were seen as funeral flowers, your Mother may be of that generation.

    I hope you and your Mum can chat and work it all out together, and I am sure whatever you do it will be special for you, and I hope her too
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Thanks tumbleweed, I see your point re my cousins, but still dont feel the need to have them there. They are actually on my dads side, and to be honest I genuinely dont think I'd recognise them if I passed them in the street. And I would rather have good friends there than family I feel I barely know as i only saw them maybe once every 2 years until the age of 12.

    And as I said in my original post, I intend to walk in once my bmaids are seated, so will have a perfect view of my h2b, and wouldnt want to do it if I would be hidden.

    Yes, you're right about the lilly thing, she does see them as funeral flowers. But surely if I really want them she should accept thats its my choice?

    I have taken on board a lot of my mums ideas and suggestions (she helped with shape of bouquet, and the other flowers involved are freesia which I chose as they are her favourites), she helped choose my dress and bmaids dresses etc, so its surely a little give and take but at the time I wrote the post I felt as though if I wasnt doing it her way it wasnt good enough.

    Anyway, as I said I saw my mum on friday and things are great, I just think I need to be assertive, otherwise things will be how my mum wants them and not necessarily how me or h2b want them!
  • brooksvukbrooksvuk Posts: 225
    Jeeps I hadnt even thought about which way we would walk !!! The last church wedding I went to the bride went last and I just assumed thats how it was ?? Now you've got me all in a spin wondering what I shouold do !!! Our church is REALLY long so i think even if i walked in last its quite a long way to the alter so should be plenty of time for people to see me. But i'm not sure !!!

    Oh dear, more things to think about !!
  • jomarch50jomarch50 Posts: 630
    I think having everyone walk in before you is a lovely idea...

    At one of the last weddings I went to the bride had 5 or 6 adult bridesmaid and a flowergirl. They all followed her down the ailse of the tiny Church - it looked faintly ridiclous when the bride was at alter and they were still coming in the door!

    None of this affects me as I'm not having any attendants - we're getting married abroad and didn't want anyone to feel obliged to come.
  • jomarch50jomarch50 Posts: 630
    I think having everyone walk in before you is a lovely idea...

    At one of the last weddings I went to the bride had 5 or 6 adult bridesmaid and a flowergirl. They all followed her down the ailse of the tiny Church - it looked faintly ridiclous when the bride was at alter and they were still coming in the door!

    None of this affects me as I'm not having any attendants - we're getting married abroad and didn't want anyone to feel obliged to come.
  • loulouuk1loulouuk1 Posts: 11
    My mum is a bit the same, she really upset me a month or so back, but i just stand my ground and she usually backs down quite easily. You should walk in last if that make you comfortable. It's your day and you are the most most important person. I am having 4 bridesmaids under 5 they will walk before me dropping petals - we are having a garden ceremony at my mum and dads house.
  • BaxterukBaxteruk Posts: 3,373
    I so want to walk in after my attendants, my mum is ok with it but MIL2B rubishes everythin, I even attempt not ot mention the wedding in front of her anymore and warn H2b not to tell her anything even shutting him up in mid conversation with kicks, prods and pinching his bum! Think he likes the later a bit too much tho he he!

    In the long run its not a big deal how you do it as long as it gets done and it gets done the way you have always imagined it.Sure you have to compromise on some things but walking down the aisle seems rather petty to me. Stand firm girlie! Am right behind (or should that be in front) of you
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Thanks girlies!

    I have stood my ground on this - and am 100% going to do it the way we want, me and h2b totally happy with me going in last so sod em! I mentioned it to mil2b today and she did a disagreeing face, but said 'its your day, so it should be how you want'!

    Thanks for all your views and support!

    Hope your mil2b packs it in moglet101!

  • tmboergertmboerger Posts: 14
    I had no idea brides were to walk in first either! I'm American, so maybe it's different there - but have beren to about 12 weddings and a bridesmaid in 6 and have never seen nor walked in following the bride. And isn't one of the nice things about a civil ceremony is that you're not locked into a bunch of old traditions??? I'd say be kind but firm with your mum - it's not her day it's yours.
  • camillamukcamillamuk Posts: 753
    I really want to walk in last, but the vicar said it wasnt really done that way, and that i should be first. Grrrrrrr dont really want to start arguing with the vicar so i will be first.
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Thats a shame princess wannabe, silly old fashioned vicar! lol!

    Well, I have clashed with m mum again! This time its over flowers/tiara and veil!!!

    Bear in mind, se never was keen on my original idea of tiara and veil....So I've been trying to decide whether to stick with tiara and veil, or maybe have flowers instead. My mums reply - 'I hope not using those lillies!'

    I have chosen calla lillies, as previously mentioned! How can I have them as my main flower but not put them in my hair? And I LIKE THEM!

    Rant over! Very trivial I know but getting wary of mentioning anything to her now!!
  • It's your day and you are going to be a princess for a day not everybody craning there necks to get a lok at who is behind you

    my sister is having a big church wedding this june with 10 bms she is walking in last

    iu am also having a church wedding and will be coming in last image

    it's your day and i have learnt from bitter exp not to let ppl take over
  • christeeukchristeeuk Posts: 427
    Well, i can totally empathise with you lilacluce! My mother is being the same! Luckily my MIL2B has been fab and i've actually spoken to her about how i feel re: my mother and the wedding plans and she has even managed to stick up for me and has difussed some rather tense moments!

    She gave me some great advice though, she said rather than make everything a battle, i should be honest with her about all of the wedding details. Then if she makes a face or says anything ask her what she thinks i should do instead (pretending that i am genuinely interested) then whatever she says (no matter how much i disagree) i say "hmmmm, i hadn't thought of that. I'll give it some thought" then just do what i want anyway! It has worked loads. Even though i've not gone with most of her ideas, she just feels as though she's invloved more now. It's still irritating when she does the disapproving look or makes a sly comment when i tell her things. Also, my H2B gave me the advice of 'giving' my mum 3 or 4 things that i'm not that bothered about (i.e. when the speaches are done or when the cake cutting is done) and just let her make the decisions. That's been great also!

    As for walking down the aisle, i was awake at 3am this morning thinking about this! I'm defo going down last, as it gives people the chance to have a good look at the bridesmaids dresses and mine. I've been bridesmaid 3 times and all of thsoe times i went down last. I thought it was silly as i didn't get to see the bride's face walking down the aisle. That's the best bit of the day for me!

    Sorry i've rambled!!!image
  • leonie9481leonie9481 Posts: 103
    I'm the same!- from deciding to get married abroad- even thought i'd always said i would-

    to what dress i was going to wear, food, location blah blah blah....

    Obviously i value her opinion, but i had to turn around & tell her it MY day & i will be having it the way me & H2B want it.

    I think they just get carried away with 'tradition' & forget that you can think for yourself!

    I bet on the day, they'll agree you made the right decisions anyway, so make sure you stick with want your really want
  • louiseglasheenlouiseglasheen Posts: 1,643
    Lilacluce, have you had a trial with putting the lillies in your hair? I only ask as they molt pollen a lot and it stains so if you are having them in your hair you may need to de-polinate them (not sure if that's the right expression, but basically pull out the pollen from the middle).

    A friend of mine used the purple lillies in her bouquet (sorry, not flower orientated so I don't know which ones those are) and the pollen landed on her dress and was impossible to get out without staining very early in the day.
  • lilaclucelilacluce Posts: 648
    Calla lillies dont do the thing with the pollen like the big star shaped ones as far as I know (could be wrong!). Callas are the ones a bit like a funnel shape...

    I've asked my florist and she says callas are great for hair as they are waxy so wont wilt as bad, and she'll put diamante in the middle so will prob take the pollen out anyway? Confusing! I'm also gonna get some fake roses from johnny loves roses or somewhere, and so on the day I can choose which looks best cos the florist is only charging £5 for the hair calla lilly.

    My mums been a little better lately! She's been too concerned with her own outfit and finding a hat for it!

    Thanks for all replies!
  • leafyukleafyuk Posts: 2,182
    Oh wow! What a lot to discuss on this post! Lilacluce, you poor wee thing, I know what it's like to have every little thing criticized, face-pulled at, eyes rolled about, etc!! My own personal strategy has been to just not tell my mum stuff. She doesn't need to know the details! But I too have employed Nuggets strategy - I say "Thanks for the suggestion, I'll have a think about it" but then of course I just stick with what I want! It does help mums if they feel listened to though, I find. Okay, so... my mother has the same weird thing about lilies. As my beautiful cousin walked down the aisle in a stunning dress and holding an elegant bouquet of calla lilies, all my mother could do was grab my arm and hiss "Lilies! They're only for funerals!" And apparently they once were. My Mum is 64, so I guess things have changed since she was a bride 34 years ago! Strapless dresses were also a big no-no for a church wedding, and some churches still ask you to cover your shoulders during the cermeony. But hey, one day maybe we'll be gasping when brides wear little black dresses and hold potted plants instead of flowers... who knows!!! LOL!! I agree that it would be ideal if any flowers in your hair matched your bouquet, but roses could look better depending on where on your head you are having them. ALL flowers, whether in your bouquet or in your hair, should have their stamens removed beforehand - you'd be surprised how easily pollen gets on (and stains) dresses, whether they are silk or satin or cotton or lace! Then there's the order of the processional. In America, Canada, Australia and New Zealand, the order has always been: flowergirl(s) first, then bridesmaids, then the chief bridesmaid, then the bride and her father. But in England, the old traditional way was bride and father, chief bridesmaid, then other bridesmaids. I'm not sure where the flowergirls would go, or if you had them at all! But anyway, as time has gone on, the American way to do it has become really popular in England too, as brides like to come in last as a kind of "grand finale" and have nothing afterwards to distract the congregation. (The bride doesn't enter until the chief bridesmaid has gotten to the front of the church.) One practical thing to realise is that if you follow the English way, then traditionally the bridesmaids stand behind the bride, in a row, during the ceremony, whereas if you follow the American way, the bridesmaids stand in a row from side to side at the front of the church, and leave the aisle free for just the bride. The bridesmaid who walks in first ends up farthest away from the aisle, while the chief bridesmaid comes in after the rest of the bridesmaids and ends up closest to the aisle and the bride. She is then in the perfect position to take the bride's bouquet and hold it during the vows. Good luck with that mum of yours Lilacluce! xx

    [Modified by: leafy on May 11, 2007 05:25 PM]

    [Modified by: leafy on May 11, 2007 05:26 PM]
  • leafyukleafyuk Posts: 2,182
    Why won't this damn format let me do paragraphs???!!!!!
  • My mum isn't quite as bad but she still doesn't seem to like many of my suggestions! She won't tell me straight though its the bloody :\? face she pulls and the "mmmm"
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