Is anyone else's Mum being quiet/ unexcitable / not as into the wedding as you'd want them to be or is it just mine!?


[Modified by: keeps2b on 23 March 2010 21:23:36 ]


  • tillypusstillypuss Posts: 571

    I've never had a dead close relationship with my mum mind you! But my dad died 14 months ago and I thought that booking the wedding might be something she could enjoy, she doesn't seem to care much, only seemingly bothered about her outfit and weight loss etc!

    I invited her to come help pick my dress and we ended up tagging it onto a hospital appt she had in a completely different city and to be organised in the city I didn't really know I visited the week before, found the bridal shops and madeappointments ( only to have mum tell me she wasn't coming "that early" (9.30 first appt -hosp appt was 2pm) I found my dress by fluke and bought it probably prematurely! I felt cheated of my big moment!!!



    ps did I mention that I was an only child too?

    How's your mum being?
  • Sarah6792Sarah6792 Posts: 112
    Yeah a bit image and I feel guilty for being upset about it!

    She gets upset and tells me she wants to be involved, tells me what she thinks I should have and pushes H2B out a bit, but then when I start talking and telling her what I'm thinking/liking, she doesnt really listen!! Then when I mention it at a later time she has no idea what I'm talking about! Its frustrating image

    Also when we went dress shopping, she was more interested in talking to the assistant about her boyfriend and answering phone calls to pay much attention to the dresses I was trying on, and I'm getting the 'I like whatever you like' response
  • OMG! My Mum is also so bothered about her outfit and weight loss that she seems to forget that the day is actually about us! I'm not a drama queen but I just really want her to get a grip and realise that it''s not all about her and how she feels. I do feel for her that she is bigger than she wants to be but she must've known we'd get married at some point so it's not like she couldn't have thought about losing weight before!! Besides I think she will look fab if she just SMILED!!!!

    My mum also moaned a lot about 10am appointments when we went dress hunting as it was too early but we only did 2 days before I ordered mine!! I too felt that the whole dress experience was a missed one! Esp as I am the only daughter so I thought she'd be loving the girlie times.....

    I'm going BM shopping on Sat but just with my 2 BM's, quite sad that Mum's going to miss out though but I really don't know if she's that bothered.....

    I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad, I bet he'll be looking down on you on your big day - when is it?

    image x
  • My Mum gives none or very bland opinions..... until she gets a bee in her bonnet and then throws out random comments. Overall though she seems generally disinterested, I'm just hoping that if ever we have kids I'll remember what this wedding experience is like and will be excited and enthusiastic about it all.

    Alot of people say at least your mum's not butting in or taking over but the me the other extreme is just as bad, if not worse, boo hoo, image
  • tillypusstillypuss Posts: 571
    Mine is 31st May. Bank holiday Monday. Pretty much 10 weeks (omg)!! It's getting stressful for me now, have some really good buddies to lean on but neither my mum or his are really interested?! Perhaps it's better in a way? We shall see!!! Enjoy the bm shopping, I really enjoyed this as did it with my friends, I showed my mum pix so she wasn't left out? But the dress moments are now with my friends,they're coming to fittings etc now. I'm in a better place!! X
  • I think I might take your advice and do the same thing...... BM's as dress buddies! How exciting that you're on the 10 week countdown - you'll have to post piccies!! Good luck with the final plans....... x
  • hoolaloolahoolaloola Posts: 475
    OMG I thought it was just me!

    My mum was totally into planning my brother and SIL's wedding and they didn't want her help and kept bitching about it behind her back!

    I really want to have her involved (asked her to dress shops, florists etc) but she's just not interested. All she's concerned about is showing off to friends and family about our 'big white wedding' and telling everyone how much it's costing! She's basically using my wedding to get one up on her friend who's daughter's wedding "only had a bbq in their back garden" (personally I love the idea of a BBQ in the garden but I live in a flat! :lolimage

    I have had my dress for over a year but she still hasn't seen it (or asked to!) and when the hairdresser came to do my hair and make up trial she had her hair done then went home without seeing mine as she 'wanted to get the dinner and housework done before X factor (or whatever bloody show was on at the time!)'

    I changed my hen do as she didn't want to go to a club (fair enough) but when I turned it into a family party so she would come she decided to go to her holiday home for the weekend instead! (even my nan who's been really ill turned up for an hour)

    I try and put a brave face on it and pretend I don't mind but it really upsets me that she doesn't seem to care. image
  • Boooo, feeling really rubbish about all this... Going BM dress shopping tomo which will be great fun but can't help feeling odd that my mom's not coming.... I guess you'd expect her to but as she's so disinterested I've just made plans with my buddies. Boo. image
  • MrsMac-FMrsMac-F Posts: 959
    Yeah, mine! I know it's a bit differant because it'll be my 2nd wedding, but but I wasn't expecting total disinterest! Me and my partner spent a few weeks weighing up the pro's and con's of abroad vs at home, and finally settled on at hme after finding a lovely venue that is pretty cheap (I'm still double checking all the figures now because it seems so reasonable!). But ever since telling my mum we'd be getting married in England not abroad, she just doesn't seem to give a toss. I rang her today to tell her that we'd definatley be putting a deposit done for the day we have reserved, and the phonecall lasted less than 1 minute! There was no congratulations or anything, so a bored sounding 'oh, alright then, if that's what you want'. I'm finding it really quite upsetting image
  • not odd just completely uninterested. Ive been engaged now for just over 2 years and only have 2 and a half months to go. She never asks any questions about the wedding, I had to force her into looking for an outfit as she was going to get one in spring (i get married in spring!). She said to me well your not going to do any better then him (not in a nasty way just not thinking). I live away from my mum and we've never been terribly close but I thought she would show a little more interest. I feel im getting closer to my MIL2B then my own mother.

  • kikki21ukkikki21uk Posts: 1,114
    My mum's never been easy to get on with but she goes through periods of time where she is great but at the moment she is being really quite odd!

    First of all, she is totally bothered about what she is going to wear for the day! It's got worse since she has met h2b's mum and his gran as they will wear nice outfits for the day and she is really bothered that due to all her ailments she won't find something and then she keeps changing her mind!

    Then she is inviting her man friend over which is fine but she somehow got it into her head that he could walk me down the aisle so to speak. I really don't want anyone to walk me down the aisle (my dad died 10 years ago) and besides we are getting married at the register office!

    Now she is getting stuck into which family and friends members to invite but then she always says at the end, well it's your wedding! Er, yes it is, well done mum!

    She was on about me inviting a cousin I haven't seen for 20 years as she thinks she might meet someone at the wedding, most people will be couples who are being invited!

    Then she is on about some more cousins who seem to be fighting amongst themselves and she asked me do I really want them there?! I replied well I can't invite them to the register office anyway due to space..... now she is also on about for me to invite a family friend who I don't keep in touch with, well the truth is she doesn't keep in touch with me!

    Then she made me think why should I invite this friend anyway!!!!

    Ah well, have 144 days of this to go! xx
  • shelfetteshelfette Posts: 12
    Neither of my parents are that interested! All my dad has done is tell us that we should go to a registry office and a pub because it will be cheaper!

    I am the first one of three girls to get married, so I hope my mum doesn't get really excited about my sister's weddings when they happen!

    She is coming dress shopping with me, but her usual comment when I try on clothes is "that's nice" regardless of what I've got on!
  • Jayney66Jayney66 Posts: 1
    In a word.....YES! I don't quite know what to make of her behaviour if i am honest. Just a quick update on the situation and then maybe one of you can spot what i can't? I live in Germany as my dad and finace are in the army. When we got engaged we decided to get married in the UK near to all of h2b's family as he has a rather large family and i dont. I understnad that this is not usually the tradition but having a small family and having moved around a lot i dont have one area in the Uk that i can now call home (or indeed an area where everybody friends/family are spread around everywhere!)

    I understood that my mum would feel a bit left out with missing out on the venue hunt and meeting people back int he UK to sort everything out so i made sure i tlaked about it with her etc etc but she only seemed interested when she wanted to have an input and not when it was inconvinient etc. I also took her back to the UK for the National wedding show in London and we sorted out bm's dresses and my dress in that weekend (some of the most major things) And had a really busy hectic weekend but it was enjoyable!

    She likes to make comments usually when a problem arises (and usually it doesn't involve a solution). I have tried to be sensitive and involve her as much as i can but me and my h2b ar epaying for the wedding and have a no messing around attitude. If we want something we do the research check its on budget and book it. Because we are organising it from a different country there isn't the opportunity to take friends family to see certain things you like have a think about it...take someone else along etc etc. So as much as my mum may think she is missing out i am involving her as much as i can. She also came with me to discuss final plans for the day at the venue.

    I would have quite enjoyed spending some time helping her choose her outfit now i have everything sorted, but she has decided to go back to the Uk and stay with her friend and choose the outfit with her. I don't have a problem with this but i have a feeling she may throw it back in my face...and try to make out i wasn't willing to help her.

    I'm getting fed up of the constant reminders that the MIL has had more involvement because we are getting married near to where they live, that his family is much bigger and ours will not be represented very much ont he day (even though its equal numbers on each side, just mine happens to be more friends than family.

    I love her and she has been helpful at times, it sounds like we dont get on and that i am trying to make her sound like a witch, she isn't! But i'm not sure what i could do to erase this bitterness she seems to have. Can i do something that would make her feel more involved, or is it abit late?
  • Not oddly, just not behaving like a mum at all! I havent seen or heard from her since Christmas Eve, when I was just 12 weeks preggers. Now, I have 13 weeks till my baby arrives and 24 weeks till I get married. There has been no questions about what colours have you decided on, have you got your dress, what is the bridemaids wearing, do you need any help with sorting your invites etc. All I can remember from when I first started to organise my wedding was 'oh that gives me plenty of time to lose weight and buy some new clothes'. This comment is fine of course as I would want her to look and feel her best but am I the only to think that this should have not been the first (and only) thing to come out of her mouth?

    We used to be close I spose, until she got with her boyfriend but once with him she got so wrapped up in his awful dysfunctional family (trust me you wouldnt beleive even half of whats gone on if I was to tell you!)that she has all but forgotten about her own. She didnt even send my 5 year old son a god damned birthday card this month!!! arggghhhhhhhhhh!

    I shopped for my wedding dress on my own, which made me feel like crap and generally feel like nobody else is bothered about this whole thing except me and h2b of course. To add to it all, my dad didnt beleive me when I first told him that I was engaged to be married. When he visited at Christmas, h2b says to him, when would be a good time to go look at suits and get measured up and my dad says - What do I need a suit for? Oh your actually getting marrried are you? Jo did tell me but I thought she was takin the p***! (It's not like anybody else is paying anything towards it, we are paying it all ourselves!)


    Pearl xxx
  • robsburrobsbur Posts: 1
    My Mom is planning on wearing a burgandy outfit when our wedding colours are midnight blue and white! I tried talking to her, saying a shade of blue would look better, but she's sticking to the burgandy.

    She's also going crazy over losing weight. I can't remember the last time she wasn't on diet! She's just told me she's vegetarian now and won't eat the starter, the veg going with the veggie main and doesn't want dessert either! What am I supposed to serve her now?

    She's pushed me into having my sisters as bridesmaids when I didn't really want them and now my sisiters are causing me so much grief over thier dresses. I've had to get them especially made as they won't agree on anything.

    I've bought everything for our wedding on the internet - even my dress!!! So I haven't had the experience of dress shopping with her. I'm not that close to my Mom and sisters so I find shopping with them quite stressful. My fiances' Mom has been great. Very supportive and helpful.
  • ss_ukss_uk Posts: 588
    HI Ya

    My mum is being odd but to be honest I have learnt to ignore her. I have never really got on with my mum (long story but basically for years she resented me for a car accident we were involved in) I am having 6 people on the top table and she is complaining she is sitting on the end and not in the middle!!!! excuse me its my wedding

    because his parents are divorced it will be

    Best Man, MOG, Groom, Bride, FOB, MOB

    although at the moment she should be lucky to get an invite!

    I took her dress shopping once because she complained I had not invited her she spent the whole time telling me i looked fat and cheap in the dresses i tried on!

    She is not happy with the dress i eventually picked and was fuming when I said i needed to store it round my mum and dads because it would take up her wardrobe space. My dad told her to F off and stop being a bitch basically at that point.

    As I have said i have never been close with her and she has been so rude I thought it was bad enough she got the honour of being mother of the bride so I have asked my god mother, who I love like a real mum to do a reading for me, when I aked her she broke down in tears through joy. That's the sort of reaction I want - if you know what i mean.

    I wouldn't let her bother you. Remember its your day do what you want how you want.

    If you want support or someone to come dress shopping with you ask your bridesmaids or other family members or even if your not far away ill come and help image

    Put yourself first its taken me a whole year of being engaged to work that out

    take care

  • catstrcatstr Posts: 7
    yups mine!!!

    its been every since we announced we were engaged - mum was the 1st one to be told and she just smiled and gave us a hug. (told my dad and he burst into tears and had to put his partner on the phone coz he couldnt speak for about 5min!)whenever i tried to get her to come dress shopping with me or go to a wedding fair, her netball games come 1st ARGH! i think it sank in when i finally got her into a wedding dress shop and i had a dress on, but she is still being a bit off. but then again i dont think i have ever seen her enthusiastic about anything!
  • cat89ukcat89uk Posts: 952
    Mine! I have been engaged nearly a year, me and my H2B said about 7 months ago we were going to start saving, so when we got paid that month we put abit aside....somehow my mum found out we were saving and all of a sudden had money worries! i can't say no to my mum(which is my own stupid fault) so i agreed she could BORROW it as long as she paid it back, 7 months later i still do not have the money back in fact she owes me around £700 as she thinks i'm giving it to her. i'm really annoyed with here at the moment its my 21st birthday in may and last year she asked me what i wanted to do, now i'm not a big clubber so i didnt want to do that so she said "hows about a holiday?) so i was like cool yeah, H2B is abit put out as i found out a few weeks later he was planning to take me away for my birthday and i felt SO guilty : (, anyways i said i wanted to go on a cruise as i love cruises she was like yeah cool, as if to say What! how boring i'm not she mentions Las vegas and i'm not really keen on going there and i know she cant afford all that so i would get roped in the paying for half of it so i told her it was a lovely idea but i'd rather do something abit more low key, so we agreed on the cruise. a few months ago my mum was on the phone to her sister and she was telling my mum its her 60th birthday in october so my mum talks a little more then ends the phone call and all of a sudden turns to look at me and says "i've just been talking to your aunt and its her birthday in october and she wants us to go back out to florida" i'm thinking ok....get to the point! then she finally comes out with it "i might not be able to afford 2 holidays in one year" the i new it, my crusie was cancelled for her sisters 60th, so a couple of weeks later she tells me she cant afford 2 holidays so would i mind going to alton towers for the weekend, i'm already fuming by now as my H2B could have taken me to greece for 2 weeks! i said ok, couple of weeks later the holiday is booked deposit is down (which i paid!) then she says "do you really want to go to alton towers" and i know when she says that she cant do it so i say yes i do, she goes quite then leaves it. A week later she tells me she cant afford that either so would i mind going to the harvester for a meal, by this time i couldnt give a flying f**k what she does for my birthday so i agree. i'm starting to plan my H2B's 21st and i tell her i'm getting him a specially made cake, somehow we got on to me and she says "oh i didnt realise you'd want a cake aswell" i was like well that would be nice. so i'm totally p*ssed with her right now my birthday has gone from holiday for 2 weeks to weekned away to meal. i may seem ungreatful but when its your 21st birthday i would have expected more than that, she has been to florida 12 times!. anyways so yeah that one of the reasons i'm p*ssed with her, she tells me she feels pushed out of our plans so i talk to her about stuff i like and its like shes not listening to me goes in one ear and out the other! then she says well thats nice BUT how about this......i'm sitting there thinking in total disbelief. i have most people telling me you have ages yet but time flys and the venue i want is very popular so i have to get things done quick. its a nightmare trying to get her to see things from my point of view.

    right rant over lol x
  • HollyvbHollyvb Posts: 5
    My mum is exactly the same! The venue we wanted is all booked up for Saturdays, so we have booked our wedding for a Friday. My mum is complaining that she will now have to take a day off work to come, and is even suggesting that we put the wedding off till 2012 so that we can get married on a Saturday!
  • Keeps2b - you're not alone! *big bridal community hug*

    I got engaged in February (woop!) and not just my mum, but several people close to me have been a bit...weird.

    Fortunately my best friend got married last year and as chief bridesmaid I stumbled across this book as I was helping her plan. It's called The Conscious Bride, and it deals with the emotional stuff a bride has to deal with, in herself and in those close to her. It's by Sheryl Paul / Sheryl Nissinen (she got married) and she talks about the pressure put on brides for everything to be PERFECT and for the bride and everybody else to feel HAPPY ALL THE TIME image

    The author refers to the "wedding's shadow", which is about how there is light and dark, new things and loss, happiness and grief in everything in life, and for a bride and her closest friends and family it's no different as she goes through such a huge life transition. When you don't work through (or even realise the existence of) all the issues a wedding brings up, it can come out in weird ways. Might be the case with your mother - could be a whole bunch of stuff - fear of losing you, disappointment with her own romantic situation, confusion over what a mother-of-the-bride is supposed to be and do...

    Without Conscious Bride I would now be completely unequipped to deal with the massive changes that take place in your head and heart and life as you move from being a girlfriend to being a fiancee and gradually becoming a wife. It's a blessed relief to know that all these difficult feelings are really normal and part of the process - not something to be run away from or denied. I am re-reading it now as a bride-to-be and crying with happiness and sadness and goodness only knows what every second page. It's amazing.

    Hope this helps a little.

    Wishing you much happiness Keeps2b in the rest of your engagement and your life with your new husband...xx
  • steph621steph621 Posts: 32
    Hi there,

    My mum has been a nightmare making demands on whom to invite (my dad and her do not get along!!!)and threatening not to turn up. As my fiance and I are paying for the wedding I've told her it's my decision who I invite and hers whether she comes or not. I was so upset with her as I really wanted her to be as excited as I am.
  • i am so glad ive read these because my mum is exactly the same. i always thought it would be the one time where we could get excited together and have fun planning the big day but all she goes on about is her side of the family who are coming from far away. its as if its not our day at all but a day for everybody else! anyway, im glad im not the only one, but its still a bit rubbish,,,,good luck all you other brides to be,,,mums or not it is ridiculously exciting!!!!!!!
  • Den_1983Den_1983 Posts: 1
    OMG.. I thought i was the only one LOL!

    I have always had a close bond with my mum but since me & my partner have announced we are getting married after 5 years of being engaged and a little boy, she hasn't shown that much interest?! image

    We arranged to get married in Cyprus as its always been a dream of both of us but shes said she more excited about having a holiday than the wedding... THANKS!!! image

    Why are they acting like this, I know if it was my daugther getting married than I would want to help with everything!!!
  • hi im so glad its not just my mum....

    i just got engaged on my 21st birthday (xmas eve) and i expected my mum and even my sister who is a bridesmaid for that matter to be excited but none of them are bothered. not even a single question on the wedding. i even invited them to try on dresses but they made there excuses, although i wasnt too fussed that they didnt come coz im not getting married till 2012 but they didnt even ask if i seen any dresses i liked. my sister is more interested in what she will be wearing!!! soo frustating!!!

    c xx
  • forestjoforestjo Posts: 1

    My mum wanted me to get engaged for so long and now doesn't appear to be too interested in it.

    I should be bothered, but my friends mum is going crazy and thinks its her wedding so i don't know which is worse!
  • Thank goodness its not just mine. Admittedly we don't see eye to eye normally and aren't at all close, but she's barely asked about it since June when I got engaged.

    H2b and I went over to see her and me Dad (who is being good about it) and when we were on our own I showed her my engagement ring, to which she didn't say a word about - i'm not even sure there was a single flicker of excitement about it (she didn't get one before she married me Dad, so maybe its a case of the green eyed monster...) - and then asked me about the wedding colour scheme with a distinctly unenthusiastic expression. And that was it.

    Didn't ask about the venue, my dress or any other plans. This is supposed to be a big event - I'm the first to get married of her children - but am getting nothing from her. Have given up a bit on her and trying not to feel like she's let me down. Again. *sigh*

    H2b's family are great though, very enthusiastic and it does make up for it a bit, but still, as much as I don't get on with my mum is stressful.
  • MrsMuzMrsMuz Posts: 24
    Mine!! She was so happy when we got engaged. My H2B and I had decided from the start that we would do what we wanted, and planned things how we wanted them.

    We decided to get married in my parents church, which they are pleased about then they offered to give us money towards the wedding and pay for my dress etc, which I am really grateful for. I then tried to include her a bit more in the planning but she is so not interested! I have been trying to get her to sort her outfit, and she said 'yeah, i'll get round to it at some point'. She then said I want everything done yesterday - I'm getting married in 4 months! Luckily she bought her outfit on Saturday.

    Dress shopping, she was almost in a huff because I didn't like any of the dresses she liked, we have very different taste. I almost got to the point where I nearly tried on a dress she liked just to keep her happy even though I didn't like them.

    The icing on the cake was last night when she rang to tell me they had booked a holiday for September, 'because they now have something to look forward to!!' I said hang on a minute, your only daughter is getting married, she then said she meant she was looking forward to the holiday and was pleased they had booked it!

    On the other hand, H2B's mam is SO interested. She rings every few days to check on plans, and she is making our cake and they are also paying towards the wedding. My mother has said that it is nothing to do with H2bs mother as it is not her daughter getting married...


  • Mine too. It's my second marriage and I got the comment 'hope you don't expect us to pay for this one too, because we won't be'. Which would be fine if a) they'd paid for the 1st one - they didn't as they felt it wasn't fair to my two brothers if I goit something they didn't get, and b) I haven't asked my parents to contribute in any way shape or form.

    Last night I was excitedly telling her about THE dress I'd seen and she suggested I just wear an existing dress and then went on to ask why we needed a big show wedding (? there are 10 people coming!) and honeymoon and suggested we went camping for our honeymoon. Something I wouldn't do at any point in my life.

    So, I'm left feeling that she's disapproving that I'm getting married for a secondtime, that she's completely disinterested in any arrangements and that I'm profilgate, even though the budget is really small. We've always been really close so I'm a bit upset about it.
  • Umm yeah! My mum forgets frequently that the day is about me and my h2b! I called her all excited to tell her that I had fixed a date and put down a deposit and all she did was moan that I'm not inviting her reptile brother (i'm not mean, he is awful. She couldnt even be bothered to come wedding dress shopping with me.

    Sympathising with u ladies xx
  • damn right, well i wouldn't say oddly, just selfish!

    well my mums been fine although trying to get her to stick around long enough at dress shopping would of been nice but she always seems to be working aggghh so a year on almost from decideing on the dress she still keeps saying oh i don't remember typical!.

    but my main problem is actually mil 2b, she missed out on her own daughters wedding due to the fact that they don't get on and it is a very disfunctional family anyway!

    but when we told her we were engaged we din't get the huge excitement we thought we would saying that, and when we originally planned to get married in a local church, she wasn't one bit interested and kind of seen the panic in her face if that makes sense, but our main problem is she does like a drink and also being a manic depressive doesn't help so has made things truly awkward and difficult with wether we want her there or not because she doesn't realise what shes saying to people half the time. so needless to say me and my h2b have planned that were going over to cyprus to get married and who wants to be there can come etc... and when she got wind of our new plan we almost got the whole back in your face attitude that oh why can't we do it in england and i missed my daughters wedding oh and i can't go because of the dog etc etc... just to give us a gulit trip, in the end we just told her deal with it, were going. but not once has she shown interest in anything to do with the wedding it just seems all me,me me!!!!

    just can't wait to go now and have the day we want and enjoy it without having the worry of other people.

    good luck to all of you though. xx
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