Giving the bride away

My lovely daughter is getting married this year. Legally speaking, she has 3 fathers. Her birth father, my ex who I divorced over 20 years ago and my current husband who has looked after her since she was about 12 and who has seen her through her illness (lupus) and all her teenage problems without batting an eyelid. He even smoothed the path between my ex and I after a very nasty divorce since which he has all but legally adopted her. He helped her find and contact her birth father. She has always promised him that he would be the one to give her away, Now that she is back in contact with all of them (even though she makes the running all the time contact-wise), she has decided she wants all 3 of them to be involved in giving her away.....I told her my opinion with regards the fact that it should be my husband who gives her away....but she wants all of the involved. Any advice please

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  • VicNVicN Posts: 1,352

    'Legally speaking?' no, legally speaking, she has one father. I understand why you believe that it should be your husband, but I think you are wrong.

    I have both my dad and a stepdad - my stepdad has been with my mum since I was 3 years old and has been just as much a dad to me as my 'real' dad. But I decided in the end that my own dad should be the one to give me away. My dad only has one daughter, whereas my mum and stepdad went on to have my sister, so he will still have the chance to give a daughter away. It was probably the most difficult decision I made about the whole day. 

    Your daughter has every right to have all three of them involved if she wants - it is her wedding, not yours - and I think it is very unfair of you to put extra pressure on her. Sorry if that seems harsh, but it is a sore subject for me and I would have been absolutely devastated if my mum had made any demands on who should have given me away. Don't make this harder on her on the run-up to the happiest day of her life. 

  • I agree, your daughter should have what makes her happy on her wedding day, but perhaps there is a way in which all three could be involved at different stages? For example, her birth father could ride in the car with her to the wedding venue (he started her on her life's journey). Then your ex could escort her from the car to the beginning or part way up the aisle (an intermediate part of her life) to pass her hand to your husband who could walk with her the rest of the way and give her away to the groom with whom she will continue her journey, (the last and an important stage of her single life). This would also keep her promise to him that he would be the one to give her away. This idea might need adjusting depending on the venue etc. but I hope that whatever she decides brings you both happiness on the day.

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 585 New bride

    Mrs Duck that is a beautiful  idea and solution 

  • tinkymootinkymoo Posts: 419

    I would say its up to your daughter. I personally am having my step father and brother give me away. My 'biological' dad isnt even invited. X

  • CD0412CD0412 Posts: 144

    Sorry, I agree with VicN. The only legal father she has is her birth father who would expect to be giving his daughter away especially as they are in contact. The other two have no legal standing or rights with regards to her whatsoever and to actually tell her that your current husband must walk her down the aisle is just wrong. Just because you have had several husbands, it doesn't mean you have the right to force her into what you think is right. It's her wedding and she should be doing what she wants. If the other two are to be involved then maybe a reading they can do together during the ceremony while her birth dad walks her down the aisle. Sorry, harsh as it sounds, that is the right thing to do regardless of how much they have been in her life. imagine how you would feel if you mum demanded you to do something in your wedding you didn't want. I can't imagine how her real dad will feel if he knows that he can't walk his little girl down the aisle. I've had nightmare relatives causing trouble and telling me what to do and I can't stand overbearing people who think they have the right to control other people's lives and weddings!

  • CD0412CD0412 Posts: 144

    From personal experience, you only hate those relatives more when you're forced into stuff you don't want. Not being harsh or mean to be offensive but I'm naturally blunt I'm afraid..

  • mrsbrazilmrsbrazil Posts: 148

    Personally, I don't agree that her biological father has the 'lone' right to give her away, as it seems he disappeared off the scene during her childhood/life. I don't see how he can 'expect' anything. But you should follow her wishes, if she wants all 3 to be a part of giving her away then allow her that pleasure. It seems a lovely idea, to respect and please each one of them, and also to keep her promise to your current husband.

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    I think it's up to your daughter and you shouldn't put pressure on her either way - you should just support her decision, it's not up to you who she chooses and you could very easily end up causing her unneccesary stress over this

    Leave it up to her, and respect her wishes, it's her wedding image

  • H26H26 Posts: 44

    I think its a fabulous idea to have all three involved in her big day. My father will be walking me down the aisle with my brother. My father doesn't live in this country but I would not have it any other way. Families aren't always straight forward but support her in her decisions. It will only add more stress to your daughters day if you push this.

    Perhaps one could walk her down the aisle and the other two are at the end to give her a hug and kiss as well before her and her husband to be take their vows?

  • Little JulesLittle Jules Posts: 1,538

    I really think you need to leave it up to her and what she wants. After all it's her day and I don't think anyone has the 'right' to give anyone away these days, it's more symbolic! 

  • SaxylydzSaxylydz Posts: 328

    For what it's worth, I agree with all the comments above. It's your daughters choice who walks her down the aisle- I'm sure she will take advice from you on the matter but at the end of the day it has to be her choice. If she decides that she would like all three, then you should accept that wish and be supportive towards her judgement. Putting pressure on her will make her feel terrible and I'm sure you don't want your daughter to become stressed over what should be a very personal choice. I'm sure you didn't intend the original message to sound as pushy as it perhaps did, and I can understand based on what you've told us why you feel it should be your husband who should give your daughter away, but please try to bear in mind that your daughter is perhaps trying to please everyone/not upset anyone so in her mind by asking all three to be involved she feels no one will be hurt. 

     

    Whatever your daughters reasoning behind asking all three is, I think it is very very important that you and your husband support her decision, as difficult as it may be for you. It is your daughter and her H2Bs day. 

  • Wow - what a response! In my own defence, I feel I have a very balanced view. I haven't said anything yet - not sure I would, but wanted some other peoples' opinions. I can see it is a hotbed. in actual fact, we had jointly decided that perhaps a joint approach would be best with  her birth father and my ex starting her off and  her present father giving her away. Legally? He may be her birth far, yes. My husband also legally adopted her as per her wishes!.............

  • I have a memory like a sieve. Her birth father remarried twice each time with daughters. My ex has not really been involved with her much - only by phone since the divorce - he has no children in any case (he knew he couldn't from the start). My husband has one son and no daughters, while I have one son - adopted at birth - and both children (!) daughter 36, son, 30 very much loved.

  • Now_MrsMNow_MrsM Posts: 395

    I don't speak to my dad anymore, he doesn't even know we are getting married, my wonderful beautiful sister (who, incidentally, does still speak to my dad) is giving me away and i wouldn't have it any other way.

  • Amanda12Amanda12 Posts: 127

    She must do what's right for her. I'm sorry, it's not really a decision you should get involved in, and trying to do so will only upset your daughter.

    I'm not being given away-but I will enter with my Mum.

  • Every family has their "situations" and it sounds like your daughter is actually making the best of hers. I think it's great that she has been able to connect/ reconnect with the men in her life, and I like Mrs. Ducks' idea of incorporating each of them in some way. Maybe, depending on the venue, each could walk her part of the way and give her arm to the next one at a certain point. At the end of the day, I think the point has been made about how important it is to honor her wishes in this matter; I'm sure she will be able to come up with some creative way to handle the logistics.

  • Thank you everybody for contributing All points taken on board and , as  I was just being the devil's advocate I have to say I agree with most! No decisions have been made and when they have it is her day and her choice..... so thanks again. With much appreciation

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