Argh mothers!!!

This seems to be a theme on here recently and so I'm going to carry it on!! This is looooong so sorry!

My Dad passed away 7 years ago and the only family I have is my Mum and her brother who lives in America and we don't hear from him one year to the next. I was (am) a daddy's girl and never really got on with my Mum but obviously with it only being us two I try and make the effort and see her every few weeks and do all her finances for her etc. She's quite hard work and very tight - one of those people that without fail walks into a coffee shop and screeches that a coffee is £1.70 for example. My dad left her quite a bit of money and she hasn't offered a single penny towards the wedding. This is fine by me and expected but it irritates my OH as his mum doesn't have two stones to rub together and keeps buying us little things for the wedding. 

 

My issue is that she's just not interested in the wedding AT ALL. When we told her we were engaged after 10 years, her reaction was 'oh congrats. Did I tell you I'm going out tomorrow?'. Me trying to get a bit more of a reaction kept trying to show her the ring with zero success. The next time I went round I was busy telling her about the venues we'd seen etc and she said 'oh are you getting married?'. Er yeah, I haven't got engaged after ten years for nothing. 

 

Wedding dress shopping. I offered to only take her once I'd found a dress as I imagined dragging her around shops would be tedious and as a kid I remember going shopping with my mum. What that actually meant was me go in the shops I wanted to and she'd sit outside and wait for me. She said she wanted to come so I booked three shops in one day and four of us including my MIL went shopping. My MIL and two BM were dead excited. By the time we got to the third shop, she had made 12 comments (yes I counted) about 'oh god not another shop' and 'I hope we don't have to go to more shops on another day'. Her face when BM told her she went to 12 shops was a picture. Apparently when I was getting dressed she was busy telling everyone she doesn't like weddings and doesn't see what all the fuss is about. 

 

Even stupid stuff like I wanted to buy a crate to put blankets in. It was a tenner and she was like 'just pile them up'. I. Don't. Want. To. We're both on six figure salaries (I'm not rubbing that in, just demonstrating that I don't NEED to shop at poundland altho everyone loves a good bargain!) and so a) I really don't see the problem with spending a tenner and b) to me it's a celebration of the ten years together and not just one day. It's probably the one day of our lives we can show everyone how much they mean to us. I think I value OH family and our friends more since my Dad. I'm not going all out and just looking to spend the average amount though with a very very nice honeymoon as that's where we like to spend our money. In a supermarket the other day, I saw the flowers I wanted so grabbed a bunch and was showing the OH what three bunches look like together etc. It was one minute convo max and she said 'you're not still talking about that wedding are you?'.

Her own wedding was very small with 13 guests and I don't remember her ever going to a wedding whilst ive been alive which may be the problem. 

 

Please help me before I kill her! I've got 15 months of this left! As much as I've ranted I can't bear the thought of hurting her so really don't want to end up snapping and saying something I regret (even if I mean it!). It all makes me just miss my Dad even more too cos altho he wouldn't really have got into the planning, he'd have listened to my ramblings and seen how happy I was. It's hard enough trying to figure out how to get from one venue to another with no male figure in your life and a best friend

Posts

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    It seems my rant was so long it cut the bottomh off, oops! You get the gist anyway 😁

  • Sarah398Sarah398 Posts: 266

    Is she depressed since your dads passing perhaps?  

    When youre depressed you cant be excited, happy, pleased or congratulatory about anything, you cant even fake it.  

    Perhaps she feels lonely & thinks that when youre married you wont come to see her so much?

    Just throwing these ideas out there, obviously I dont know the family dynamics or anything.  But if she was depressed or something like that it might go a long way to explaining her behaviour & that deep down she may really want to be happy for you?????

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    Hey Sarah

    I guess it's possible but my gut feel is no as we've never had the best of relationships. My Dad used to do everything for me - for example, I used to play a sport for my county as a teenager and so every weekend I was at tornaments. My dad gave up pretty much every sat and/or sun to take me to them and my Mum came once and spent the entire time announcing she was bored senseless. I also remember the one parents evening she came to, she went home early cos she was too bored to carry on. 

    I feel quite bad as I now automatically ring my MIL about things instead of my own Mum. She's got two boys and never got married herself so she's mega excited bless her. 

  • Lexi90Lexi90 Posts: 971

    I really feel for you- by the sounds of it you may have to try not to speak to her about it too much. If she's never really been that interested in things I think sadly it's unlikely to change. I feel you would feel less let down if you didn't try and encourage her to get involved/have an interest. I know my friend was upset because she invited her mum to look at venues and she wasn't interested - her sister said that she wasn't interested in her wedding either. I tried to jolly the day along, saying she had plenty of other people interested in her wedding! 

    Please don't feel bad about speaking to your MIL, if she doesn't have a daughter and is excited it's lovely for you to have her and for her to have you. Lots of people don't have lovely MILs, so take advantage of this and use her for wedding support. I know it's not the same as your own mum or Dad, but she will be your family after all! I think times like weddings are difficult if you have lost someone special to you, but it also reminds you that you need to focus your time on those who appreciate spending time with you. 

    I wish you all the best with your wedding plans, definitely try and enjoy it! X

     

     

  • MrsS85MrsS85 Posts: 688 New bride

    I really feel for you, I think the problem is we all have this ideal of how our relationship with our mother (or other family members) should be, and that is not always how it works out. You keep trying to include your mum and the response you get back it upsetting you, I think you should just accept it for what it is, its your mum's issue not yours, just try and keep wedding talk with her minimal, You have your MIL and friends surround yourself with them and enjoy your wedding planning with them don't let your mum bring you down. She probably doesn't realise she is upsetting you but from the other comments you have made about her you probably wont change her either, like others say your wedding is very different from hers and she may have other issues such as depression relating to your dad not being there, basically just accept her for who she is, don't blame yourself and try and enjoy your planning with others around you. good luck.

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    Thanks all, I'm definately gonna tone it down a bit. I think I over talk about it to her in the hope she'll become interested which probably comes across as always talking about it. Catch 22! X

  • Hi Helen,

    I feel your pain. You may have read my thread on her moaning about my mum. We have never had much of a relationship, and throughout my adult life she has put me down at almost every opportunity. She was as excited about me getting married as your mum, then one day out of the blue she asked if she was having anything to do with the wedding. I was taken a back, and told her so and also said to her that I was surprised as she has never been interested in any of my life. She replied with a disgusting text message rant which ended by me telling her that I don't want anything to do with her. I half expected her to phone me the next day to apologise, she didn't and that was over 4 months ago. 

    I feel like a weight has been lifted, as I know if she had attended the wedding she would have been going out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable, saying we have spent too much on this and that and oh where do they get their money. I am so pleased I won't feel the pressure of her on the day.

    Im not suggesting that you do anything as drastic, but if you can try and put her to the back of your mind in your wedding plans and remember you have a lovely h2b, mil and great friends that are interested and happy for you 

    Hope it all goes well

    x

     

  • Aw thank you. For the past few months I've barely metioned the wedding and she has asked a few questions but then when I start to answer she kinda glazes over. Small steps I guess! It hasn't been as hard as i thought not mentioning it tbh now I'm in that frame of mind. My bms are pretty cool so I just spend hours boring them to death with the tiniest details instead! 

    I hope you do get things sorted with yours, it's so difficult! As they say, you can't pick your blood...

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