My mum is taking over my wedding!

Hi all,

 

My mother is taking over my whole wedding and I just want to scream! Her and my fiancé are very similar and butt heads all the time.

She thinks because her and my dad are paying the majority for the wedding (her decision, she wanted to) she decides everything. She keeps making comments like, "He has no say in anything, he just turns up on the day".

My fiancé and mum are both very stubborn and my fiancé has said things I do not agree with, however, I do not agree with my mother saying he has no say in anything - for example the suits!! Of course he has a say in the suits, is she mad!

We went to our venue's open day at the weekend and booked an appointment with a florist, on a Saturday. My mum immediately went mad when I told her and said, oh so HE'LL be there. Of course he's going to be there it's OUR wedding. I asked my fiancé to ask my mum if she wanted to come with us (I already had but she turned her nose up) and she did the same when he asked her. THEN she had the cheek to turn around and say how dare he ask if she wanted to come to the florist. 

I feel like ripping my hair out and crying. I've spoken to my fiancé and he said all he wants is for me to be happy and that it's too much aggrovation to argue so he'll go along with everything - but I want him to be involved.

I feel like my mother is acting like a spoiled child and throws her toys out of the pram any time she doesn't get her way. She keeps making snidey comments about my fiancé and his behaviour and how him making decisions in the wedding is the start of him controlling my life and how she doesn't think I should be marrying him. 

You'd think all my mother would want is for me to be happy..but clearly not. I feel like it's her wedding and not my fiancé's and mine. 

 

Sorry for the lengthy post, any advice would be appredicated!

Regards,

A very stressed out bride-to-be. Xx

Posts

  • I really feel for you, that must be such a difficult situation to deal with. It sounds as though your Mum is a control freak and she isn't comfortable with the prospect of losing you to someone who she can't control. You are really caught in the middle here and hats off to your fiancé for showing willing to stand down to keep her happy.

    Are she & your Dad still together, if so could you speak to him? I would mentally prepare yourself for a fall out with her. Make it clear that it is yours & your fiance's big day and if she is really that unsupportive of the union, then you will have to decline her offer to pay.

  • If she isnt willing to understand it's your wedding not hers and if seemingly that money comes with strings then I would decline her offer then she has no leg to stand on. 

  • Rosegold017 wrote (see post):

    I really feel for you, that must be such a difficult situation to deal with. It sounds as though your Mum is a control freak and she isn't comfortable with the prospect of losing you to someone who she can't control. You are really caught in the middle here and hats off to your fiancé for showing willing to stand down to keep her happy.

    Are she & your Dad still together, if so could you speak to him? I would mentally prepare yourself for a fall out with her. Make it clear that it is yours & your fiance's big day and if she is really that unsupportive of the union, then you will have to decline her offer to pay.

    Yeah they are still together, my dad just keeps agreeing with my mum. He has a better relationship with my fiancé but if my dad "put a foot out of line" then him and my mother would fall out.. ahhh!!

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I agree with Futuremrsb95. I think the only way you're going to be able to have the wedding you want is to fund it entirely yourself. She may still make comments, but at least that way you don't feel you have to use her suggestions as it's not her money!

  • Jenni8Jenni8 Posts: 3,201

    What an awful situation, I really feel for you. But I agree, the only way to be able to completely override your mother and it be your and your fiances choices would be to decline her offer of paying and fund it yourself. You say it was her decision to pay, but it really is your decision whether you accept or decline her money.

    If you don't want to do that then I think you will just have to do what it takes to keep your mother happy and quiet, even if it means making some decision without telling her that you have done so.

    I hope that you get it sorted soon

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    Can you afford to pay for more? It's the only way to regain control based on what you have written above!

  • MrsStobe4MrsStobe4 Posts: 282

    I agree with others, the only way around it is to pay for it yourself, if you can't afford too I'm afraid you're going to have to suck it up unfortunately. She does sound terribly controlling and disrespectful, but she probably does deserve a say in things if she's paying, it's just her tone is all wrong! 

  • I agree with the others too. I would absolutely hate someone telling me and my fiance what we can and can't have or do in our wedding. But saying that, we are paying for it ourselves. Our parents and relatives will no doubt help put money towards things, but we planned it so we could pay for it entirely. Is this an option for you? 

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    "She thinks because her and my dad are paying the majority for the wedding (her decision, she wanted to) she decides everything."

     

    That is correct she is hosting the wedding, so she gets to decide everything for the event (not the Groom's suit).

    If you want to host your own wedding you can choose to pay for it that's what most couples do these days.

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride
    RubyCat wrote (see post):

    "She thinks because her and my dad are paying the majority for the wedding (her decision, she wanted to) she decides everything."

     

    That is correct she is hosting the wedding, so she gets to decide everything for the event (not the Groom's suit).

    If you want to host your own wedding you can choose to pay for it that's what most couples do these days.

    I think the OPs upset is mostly being caused by the way in which her mother is going about asserting her "authority". 

    Charlotte, I think you would have to have a word with her before things get really out of hand. It's lovely that your H2B is so understanding, but it sounds like your mother's attitude is really getting to you, and no wonder!

    I'd like to add as well, it probably is the traditional viewpoint that if your parents are paying they have the majority, or even all, of the say, but I don't think that makes it right. You wouldn't give somebody money as a gift and then tell them what to spend it on, would you? That's probably a whole different debate, though! 

  • LeeLawLeeLaw Posts: 107 New bride

    I disagree with Ruby, just because they have offered to help pay for the wedding it doesn't mean they get control over all aspects. Yes, I think your mum should be allowed an input but her attitude is terrible.

    I would NOT accept how she is speaking about your fiance. "She keeps making snidey comments about my fiancé and his behaviour and how him making decisions in the wedding is the start of him controlling my life and how she doesn't think I should be marrying him." This speaks volumes, she is scared that she is losing control over your life and that the power is passing from her to him, when in fact you control your own life.

    I think you have to put your foot down and say enough is enough, if you can, fund the wedding yourself and remove her input completely.

  • I just wanted to clarify, I totally agree that just because they are paying for it should not mean they get total control over it. What I meant was, at least if your doing it yourself, you may find it easier to put your foot down xx

  • Futuremrsb95 wrote (see post):

    If she isnt willing to understand it's your wedding not hers and if seemingly that money comes with strings then I would decline her offer then she has no leg to stand on. 

    I was in the same situation, but when I said that I would decline my mother's offer, it worked! Firstly, she took offence but lately she agreed and we decided everything together. It will be your day and you will remember it forever, so it's better for you to make it like you want.

  • How awful, our parents have very kindly contributed to our wedding but they have had zero involvement we've decided everything ourselves. 

    Why would she think that she has the final decision on the plans? I'd have to tell her i didn't want the money if it comes with that behaviour as you won't have nice memories of the lead up to your wedding 

  • Hello everyone! Thank you for all your kind words and advice! My mum is acting normal again now, yes I agree she has some say, but I want to make the final decisions on things. And yeah, I didnt like her attitude or the way she was going about things. Things seem to be looking up, but we'll see what happens when my fiance and me go to the florist.....Thank you all so much :-) my mother and fiance are both control freaks so I guess thats why they clash haha!

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride

    Glad to hear things are going a bit better for the moment... try keep her under control 

  • PinguinPinguin Posts: 141

    im sorry but 'her pay = her say'... if she is paying then she is host and that makes the wedding party hers to plan

    people often want the old tradition of parents paying but the modern tradition of planning it yourself and you dont get both... if you want control you have to pay your own way

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    I'm sorry but I find "her pay = her say" laughable. I 100% disagree, it's YOUR Wedding, i'm glad she's behaving a bit more now, hopefully it stays that way, sure I think it's polite (not sure if that's the right word to use) to ask her advice on things seeing as she IS paying, just so you make her feel involved, but she isn't the one getting married. If it continued though i'd agree with the others and suggest you pay for it yourself so that she doesn't feel like she has a say then, 

     

    Jx

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    I kind of disagree.   I think back in the day parents organised everything because they paid however when i married first time i did everything with my mum it was her organising but me having final say on most stuff.  

     

    I think there maybe resentment here of h2b because if yousew it from her point if view she is losing you and the control she once had over you.  

     

    Talk to her dont let it ruin your special day or experience of it for both of you she is your mum!

     

    good luck ! 

  • Rose55Rose55 Posts: 3

    Sorry to hear of your situation. I am in a similar position myself. I think it's a difficult one, I think if parents are contributing then they do get a say but what I dont understand is why parents wouldnt also care about yours and your fiances opinion. If you were paying for it yourself I am sure you would still consult with your mum and ask for her opinions and include some of her wishes where possible. I think it is a wonderful gesture when parents want to contribute to a wedding but I don't think it gives them the power over all decisions, I can't understand why parents would want to have a "I pay, I say" policy. It is still your wedding at the end of the day - if I were contributing to my daughters wedding it would be because I wanted to give her some support in planning her dream day not to give myself my dream mother of the bride day. 

  • kitty-kitty- Posts: 121 New bride

    Myself and my fiancé knew that we would be in this situation if we let our parents pay for our wedding. So we declined their offer and paid for it ourselves. If they pay then they have a say. Now that we are paying for ours we can turn around and easily say no And if they kick up a fuss we just turn around and say it’s our day, we are paying for it so we will have it our way.

    as the money comes with strings id say no and have the wedding that you can afford because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to get the wedding you want...

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