Am I right to feel upset?

I need independent advice. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I love my mum to bits and have a great relationship with her 99% of the time. She is overjoyed that me and fiance are getting married but today some of her actions have really upset me. Here is some back story. 
We are a very private couple. Who dont like fuss and attention. It all started when we got engaged on holiday and we sent a photo and message to just our close family to announce our news. My mum sent this on to everyone! Even her hair dresser! In fact people where then congratulating us before I got to tell them. 
Before I had time to say anything my mum had invited distant relatives to our as yet not booked wedding. She was upset that we went to see the venue without her alrhough she lives 5 hours drive away. Then told me I would have to ring everyone to say they couldn't come as we where only having imideate family and a few very close friends. 
She knows I hate shopping and am very very self conscious about myself. She set up a Pinterest board of dresses she liked and asked me to add to it. But she criticised every dress I put on. I was so worried that I went dress shopping without her and chose my dress. I then staged it with the shop so that she came up and picked some out and luckily she choose it out so she felt that she had a big influence in it which made her happy. However she then described it to my fiance! I had to ask her to stop 3 times before she did! Luckily as he didn't want to know and knows what she is like he stood by the kettle as it boiled so he couldn't hear her! 
But today I found out that although I asked her repeatedly not to she has phoned my brother to ask him if my neice can be a bridesmaid! I do want her to be but I really wanted to ask myself and feel that my one chance to ask has been taken away. 
Has anyone been in this situation? Sorry for the long post. I'm just so upset I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to her but she just gets upset and tells me if I'm upset maybe I shouldn't talk to her about my wedding not to involve her and she doesn't want to know anything until the day. 
Any advice? 
Thank you.

Posts

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    edited 10 July
    There's been lots of 'overexcited' mothers in my time on this board. The only solution is this - man up, stand firm, explain it is your and your fiance's wedding, YOU will be making all major decisions and asking people you want to be included, and that she needs to back off. People like your mum don't take subtle hints. She's a manipulative narcissist aka a control freak who sulks or makes you out to be the bad guy if she doesn't get her own way.

    She'll be pissed off and try to push her luck a couple more times to see if you really mean it, so stand firm.
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,275 New bride
    edited 10 July
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard having a somewhat overbearing mother, even when they mean well. 
    My mums similar, although even i can admit she at least hasn't crossed some lines yours has. 

    I know its really hard but honestly to a degree i think shes right. When planning our wedding we never involved the parents on either side, mostly to be honest because it never occurred to us that we should. We are paying for it ourselves, and also a highly private couple, so we just sort of got on with it. 

    My mum got a bit upset when i went and bought a dress of off facebook marketplace because she hadn't been involved, but i ended up with dress regret anyway so we went shopping. I think how you handled the dress experience was genius!  When i told her we had booked the venue and secured a date her response was "i'll need 15 invitations" .... no Congratulations, no excitement, just that she wanted invitations to give out to whom she pleased. 

    I have found putting her on an "Information Diet" to be the absolute best thing for my sanity and our relationship. I'll tell her when something is booked and confirmed if i think she will be excited, and i involve her with trivial things that i'm not too bothered by. It helps her to still feel involved but means i don't have her giving her opinion every 5 minutes and showing everyone my wedding before its happened. 

    If you can give her a few things that will help her to feel included but that wont have you watching her every move, maybe things like trying to find styles of thank you cards, or getting ready outfits. Whatever you feel comfortable with. 

    I also think its worth trying to explain that you aren't trying to just "have a go" for the sake of it on things, but explain how important the day is to you and that you want to make sure its a true reflection of you and your partner, remind her that you appreciate her support but its so so important to you to have space to plan in whatever way you see fit.

    You don't say how long you've been engaged but maybe she will chill out a bit over time too! the initial excitement is fun but soon people want to get on with their own things and forget that you're still working away in the background (or at least so ive found). 

    I really hope things settle for you though, I know how hard it is dealing with strong personalities so close to home in whats already a highly stressful and emotional time. Sending you lots of good vibes. 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Oh, and put her on an information diet - what she doesn't know about, she can't interfere with!
  • OhmyDaysOhmyDays Posts: 5 New bride
    We have been engaged since April and set a date in 2020. She is a strong minded woman. I like the idea of a information diet!
    I'm lucky my fiance is very understand but I don't want to moan to him as we lost his mum to cancer not long ago and I no I should be grateful I'm lucky to still have mine here with us. 
    Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. Hopefully it will get better as time goes on. 
  • Samantha265Samantha265 Posts: 405 New bride
    I would be very very upset by that. All you can do is explain how shes made u feel and ask her to back off. Definitely put her on an information diet anyway!
Sign In or Register to comment.