Is this MY day or my mums day?!?!

K so my parents are paying for my wedding but Ive just got off the phone with my mum and she says she wants me to go look at dresses with her on saturday...but so SHE can look for a dress for my wedding and she said "Im going to look amazing, going to spend £800-1000 on a dress!" (I havnt even looked for dresses myslef yet!) so I asked what colour and she said silver but my colours are ivory and gold so she'd gonna stick out in all the photos!



Also I asked her how many friends of hers she was inviting to the reception and she said all her friends were coming to the ceremony aswel! I dont mind this because shes paying but h2bs and my friends arent even invited to the ceremony......am I getting too paranoid or does it seem like shes trying to take over and make it about her showing off to her friends?



Its 15 months until my wedding and already I feel like Im not even a part of it, if you've read any of my posts before you'll know that they also chose the venue and paid the deposit without letting me see any others.



Any advice please?

Posts

  • leafyukleafyuk Posts: 2,182
    Hi Haylie Claire, I totally sympathise with you - this is the biggest day of your life, you're so excited, and all your mother can think about is HER outfit and HER friends! But cut her some slack for a while - this is a really big day for her too, believe it or not. Seriously, it is HUGE for her! She has been looking forward to this day since you were born! Once she's settled down, I think you'll find she'll be better at focussing on you and YOUR dress.



    As for her choosing the venue, I think most of us would find that infuriating or at least frustrating, but it might help you to realise that in our mothers day this was the way it was done - the parents of the bride paid, they chose everyhting, they did everything.



    I think this is the root of the problem for many tensions between modern brides and their mums. From what I understand, 20 years ago the bride's parents paid for everything, the bride was often living at home and had never hosted a party herself, and she was often in her early 20s and did not have the finances to pay for things herself and had often not developed a strong independent sense of self or gotten set in her opinions, and her only friends were girlfriends from school. These days, brides are almost always living away from home by the time they get married (and have been doing so for a long time, often with their H2B!), they have their own income and possibly enough savings to pay for the wedding themselves (and often think they are being considerate by doing so, rather than burdening their parents, and feel proud of this), they are older and have stronger opinions and have formed their own tastes, they have held their own parties before and been to friends weddings so they have a clue what they're doing, they have developed many good long-term friendships (hence they feel their own friends are more important to invite than their mum's friends who they haven't seen for years!). I think that weddings have evolved so much from what they were only 20 years ago, that it's only natural that there is a big difference in the way different generations perceive the wedding day. To a modern bride, 30 years old, who has lived away from her parents for ages and is paying for the wedding, or at least part of it, this is her day. To a mother who remembers having to invite her parents friends, her parents paying for it and choosing the venue, colour scheme and the dress (yes!), it seems rude and selfish and self-centred and arrogant and ungrateful. My own mother has this attitude, and so do most of my friends mothers. I think it would really help you to realise why your mum sees your wedding day so differently than the way you see it. It is completely understandable that she sees things so differently, even if very annoying!! I don't think your mum is necessarily being difficult/selfish - she just thinks she's doing it the way it's done! Since I've realised this about my own mum, I've found it much easier to see where she's coming from and not get so annoyed by her.



    Good luck xxx

  • Thank you for your advice. I realise that she's just as excited as me but I think I do need to talk with her and tell her what I want then negotiate with her, I'm probably just over reacting (as I always do lol).



  • I think you need to talk to her definitely!



    Sit her down and say how grateful you are that she is excited and wants to be fully involved in the planning and of course pay for it....but that these days brides are much more involved in planning and organising weddings.



    Maybe take some magazines round to have a look at and discuss for a girly time...also remember the whole universal colour scheme thing is a new idea from the US. So she probably has no idea you want her outfit to coordinate, again show her some examples in magazines of coordinated weddings to show her what you mean.



    I am sure she is not trying to upset you but just excited and thinks things should be done as she remembers them. With 15 months to go you have time to chat this over and understand what your priorities are and what matters to your parents. (with them paying you may well have to compromise on some things) Just don't leave it until it is a really big deal...this is a happy time.
  • Thanks for the advice, Im actually going to with my mum today into town to look at wedding stuff I should be excited but Im dreading it. I'll let you know how it goes....



  • I know exactly where you are coming from as I have exactly the same issues with my Mum. What makes it even more annoying is that my parents are paying a third, h2b's parents a third and us a third but she is still trying to take over.



    I realise that it does all stem from the fact that our grandmothers organised our mother's wedding and they now think their time has come. However, without wanting to be rude, tough! Times have changed and all of those mothers out there who think otherwise need to realise this.



    I am doing my best to involve my Mum in as much as I can. I am getting married from her house (even though I now live 200 miles away), she is making our invitations, I will take her to my first dress fitting but not all of them (given that she lives so far away and has only been to my house twice in 3 years, I am not only looking at dresses when she comes up).



    You need to be firm. If you are not happy about something, say so - it will only eat you up if you don't. It is your day - regardless of what your Mum thinks and it will spoil things for you if something isn't the way you want it. Explain things to your Mum. She is excited and she wants you to have the day you have always dreamed of (provided that it fits in with what she thinks you should have always dreamed) - so if she say to her 'I really love 'X' and it is important to me that we do it then I am sure she only wants you to be happy. Maybe tell her how excited you are to be planning this with her and how you are enjoying going through different options with her i.e. see as many venues as you want to!



    Give it a go - advice is always easier to give rather than to take so if you find a pearl of wisdom or come across a really useful strategy then let us know as I think a lot of us are in the same boat!
  • Update!

    Today I went shopping with my mum and two sisters who are my bridesmaids and it was the worst day ever, I fell out with both of my sisters as they were just being so selfish and not wanting to talk about wedding stuff (even though we went out specially to do that!) so one ended up going home in a huff.



    Then me and my mum disagreed on EVERYTHING! we didnt come to a solution on one thing and she played the "well Im paying for it" card.



    Firstly she wants me to wear my hair up whereas I have long blonde hair and wanted it half up half down with a few curls and no tiara and she wants me to have one, then I said I wanted an ivory dress and I didnt want a skirt that was straight down with no detail (I want a ruffled type one) but apparently shes already chose one-with a train?!?!



    Secondly there was a fight about flowers, as Im allergic to stuff like that I said I wanted silk ones and she is insisting on real ones-I will have streaming eyes a runny nose and red blotches all over me...classy.



    Then there was a disagreement over the photographer Ive chosen, The colour scheme, The table centrepieces.....and lastly the stationary, I said I wanted to make my own as they are easy from confetti and she took one look at my ideas and said I would make them look rubbish and she wasnt sending them to HER friends as they will all laugh. She saw some in tescos though that she loved and I did too but the wording in the invites wernt right for me (they only had day invites and there is spaces for the ceremony venue and then reception venue but mine is all at one hotel so it would have looked stupid) so fair enough she agreed with me on that one but then she must have forgot because she went on about how I didnt like them and I had to keep reminding her that they were all wrong! Argh!!!!!! I actually want to scream!



    Dont think Ive put up with her Ive told her straight but then she gets mad at me calling me ungrateful and says that we should pay for it ourselves then. Its like she's saying "I'll pay for the things I want but not the stuff you want" I really cant reason with her cos she just raises her voice over me and I cant get a word in. I really want to tell her not to pay for the wedding but we cant afford it by ourselves and we've already put deposits down on everything and I cant see a solution other than stand my ground but I know we are going to fall out a million times she hates all of my ideas. I cant explain what shes like she wont even listen to me she just talks over me..........its really getting me down.



    sorry for the rant



    x

  • Your mother sounds exactly like mine! You have my every sympathy. Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom, dealing with the same thing and getting no where fast! x
  • LinenukLinenuk Posts: 321
    A colleague of mine had that problem - her mum and dad were paying for at least half of her wedding and kept playing that "we're paying for it so we're choosing" card. One morning she phoned her mum from her desk at work and told her she wasn't happy that it was all costing her parents so much money and that she herself wasn't even happy with what she was getting and so she had decided to cancel the wedding and marry quietly in a register office with no fuss. Mum immediately burst into tears and started apologising and pleading with her not to cancel the wedding. So from mum trying to make bride feel guilty, bride ended up making mum feel guilty (and worried she wasn't going to get the big wedding she wanted for her daughter).
  • I wish I could try that one but my mum is so stubborn, and I thought I was the bad tempered madam in my family-at least I know where I get it from. I really cant see a resolve, I'll probably get what I want in the end (I always do) but after fighting for it, I just hate arguing with her though.



  • NGSBNGSB Posts: 98
    Hello Haylieclaire



    Sorry to hear about your mother. If you cannot talk to her what about writing a letter to her explaining how you feel. Do the same with your sisters as well, If you explain how their behaviour is making you ill and that you are having doubts about their loyalty to you as with your mother's loyalty should be to you and not her friends. Then perhaps you may get a better response. Discuss the fact that you have had certain ideas about your wedding for a long time and yes although you do appreciate the fact that your parents are paying, but they need to appreicate that it is not how you saw your day (not your mothers) going and the fact that you are being bullied into doing things that you do not want means that you feel that you will notbe having the wedding day that you have dreamed about since you were knee high to a grasshopper! Say that your friends are just as important to you as your family and that they are an extensive of you and consider them to be family more than friends. Explain that the arguing is not making what should be a marvellous experience in your life a pleasant one, but that the fact that you keep arguing is questioning whether or not she actually wants you to have your day.... or just reliving her own and what she would have done if she were to do it again! Mothers and daughters are different we do argue, as do sisters, but they need to see that they will get the same kind of attention when it is there turn that you are getting; encourage them to look at magazines and see what sort of styles that they like, if they are not prepared to do that then question whether or not they actually want to be maids...i'm sure you have a couple of friends who would jump at the chance. If the letter does not work, then how about going out for a meal...people tend to behave better when out in a restaurant and discuss your feeling there... if your mum is like mine she won't make a scene, she'll save that for later..lol...but at least you will be able to get your message across. But whatever; it is your day and try to keep that in the forefront of your mind. I do hope things settle for you and that you can start to enjoy this most marvellous experience. xx
  • Crikey I thought my mum was bad!!! I really feel for you Haylieclaire.



    Fortunately the only thing my mum is paying for is my dress but she's making sure she tries to get her opinions in on that. I live 200 miles away from my mum so I made sure that my CMB took photo's of me in all the dresses I tried on and then I showed them to mum at xmas. So she could see them better I plugged the camera into the tv screen and she told me that I looked fat in the one that I like!!! I tried to explain that it was a wide screen tv and would have that effect and couldn't she see that even my CMB looked bigger than she is the pics. Then she disagreed with all my choices and liked every dress that I'd dismissed. Anyway she's coming to me for my first fitting next month and I'm dreading it. Also like you she's just going on about her own outfit for the day and wants me to shop with her for that. It doesn't help that within 2 months of getting engaged she got my dad to get her a NEW engagement ring which sounds very similar to mine (I've yet to see it). I'm furious but have decided to talk to her face to face about it and that her behaviour is verging on trying to upstage me.



    I suppose the only good thing about shopping with her for her outfit means I can stop her turning up in white!!! image



    Ultimately it's your big day and I know your mum must be excited as well but she needs to cool her jets and understand that the day is about you not her.



    Hope you both reach an agreement but she needs to know that she's making an already stressful time even more stressful for you.



  • ChaddeeukChaddeeuk Posts: 137
    Your mum sounds exactly like mine. I've given up - she can have her party. I know it sounds crap but I just don't care - it's going to be boring, over by 6pm, with more of her friends than mine, and at the end of it I'm going to go off with my new husband and toast the fact that she can never, ever control my life in the same way again! If I didn't so badly want to get married close to home I'd just elope to be honest. Anyone would think it was about her party rather than our marriage. Sigh.
  • I'm going to make a really obvious suggestion- Get a loan and pay for the wedding yourself without relying on parents and tell them that their money is a gift for you to do what you want with, not a way to control your wedding and you.
  • I wish I could afford to pay for it myself (would have to be a loan) but we can just about afford to live, fair enough we live comfortably and I really would sacrifice sky/broadband/etc in order to pay for my own wedding but Im tied into contracts now.

    She's actually being alright now I think now that the initial excitement is calming down she's not as "irrate" about it all lol. She still buys wedding magazines (for herself) but I just come on here to get ideas.
  • Hi Haylie Claire,

    I know i've come into this post a bit late, but oh god can I relate to where you're coming from.

    I was engaged for literally 3 days and my mum decided to ignore me for a week, because I suggested we might only be able to have immediate family and friends only, as we are getting married in Italy - and me and h2b are paying for it all. Well... after a screaming row, she then issued me an ultimatum "If you don't invite the rest of the family, me and your father won't come!"

    As you can imagine there were lots of cross words and tears and tantrums. So, now having been blackmailed, we've had to choose a cheaper venue, and although she apologised to me, I still feel very bitter towards her, for ruining what was supposed to be a happy time.

    That aside, she is now going do-lally about everything! Emails, phone calls all the time - about such trivial things - like where she is thinking of staying in Italy, what dresses she likes for me/bridesmaids blah blah.

    Driving me insane!

    Obviously I want her to be part of everything, but it's like she has nothing else to live for.

    My sister and I have noticed as our parents are getting older, they seem to be regressing back to childhood.. I feel like the parent!

    In the end I was so annoyed, I just asked her outright for a contribution towards the wedding.. which she has agreed to!

    Hope everything is calming down a bit now between you and your mum. I think you're right - they get over excited at the beginning. It's like they want to re-live their perfect wedding through us!

    Good luck ximage
  • Quoted:
    K so my parents are paying for my wedding but Ive just got off the phone with my mum and she says she wants me to go look at dresses with her on saturday...but so SHE can look for a dress for my wedding and she said "Im going to look amazing, going to spend £800-1000 on a dress!" (I havnt even looked for dresses myslef yet!) so I asked what colour and she said silver but my colours are ivory and gold so she'd gonna stick out in all the photos!

    Also I asked her how many friends of hers she was inviting to the reception and she said all her friends were coming to the ceremony aswel! I dont mind this because shes paying but h2bs and my friends arent even invited to the ceremony......am I getting too paranoid or does it seem like shes trying to take over and make it about her showing off to her friends?



    Its 15 months until my wedding and already I feel like Im not even a part of it, if you've read any of my posts before you'll know that they also chose the venue and paid the deposit without letting me see any others.



    Any advice please?




    My colours are ivory and black with sparkles......my mums gonna wear black with cream and sparkly accessories which i have no problem with as the bm's are wearing ivory so she wont clash with them but she'll look great with the color scheme......my mil2b however thinks she might wear brown, now is it just me that thinks black and brown don't go together or does anyone else think that?????



    xx
  • Mil2B only has to ensure she doesnt out bride the bride, and doesnt wear the same as MOB. Brown will look rather nice. White, grey, black, and brown are all monochrome. Like a 1940'sTV. Its very In this year.



    Dont forget your guests will be wearing all the colours of the rainbow!



    And remember, just because you match, doesnt mean you will look good see below



    http://www.ultimatehandyman.co.uk/1ts3_small.jpg
  • EmCBEmCB Posts: 1,390
    Oh honey, big hugs. Big big hugs and sympathy, it will get better x

    It is partly her day, in as much as it's her daughter getting married. I was very, "it's out day it's our day everybody bog off" until my Dad reined me in a bit and said, "I understand, but this is one of the most important days in your life since you were born, so it's also one of the most important days in your mum's life since you were born". I felt a bit humbled by that, and ever since I've simply stopped battling against her and have started to say, "look, Mum, this is what I'd like the bridesmaids' dresses to look like, I think they'll go brilliantly with the theme, what do you think?" It's amazing, since I did that she's started to feel that I value her opinion, and has agreed with me, instead of as it was at the beginning (about a year ago) when she objected to every single one of my ideas. I think it may have been because I didn't ask her, I just told her and went on a bit of a rant, (NOT that I'm saying that's what you've done, that's just what I did!) so she was desperate to be part of it and didn't want to ask. There's no way she'll out do you, I doubt she wants to, she may just see it as an occasion to treat herself. All eyes will be on her at some point of another, so it's natural for her to want to look a million dollars. There's no way on earth she'll look better than you/outshine you/outdo you, please don't worry. If she's anything like my mum she's also nervous as hell. My mum's bought Manolos, she's chuffed to bits with them, and it's lovely to see her so psyched about my wedding. I can't believe it hasn't all been smooth sailing since I became engaged, it's a weird time really, just stick at it and she'll come round (hopefully).
  • emmaboysemmaboys Posts: 4
    Oh my god! My mum plays the 'i'm paying' card all the time. SOme relatives i don't even know are coming to the wedding breakfast and neither my h2b or me can invite friends. AAARRRGGGHHH!



    The most recent thing is trying to get me to wear a floor length veil. I told her i'm not sure what i want yet, but she slipped up and said "all i've got to do now is convince you about the floor length veil" and realised what she'd said. I'd like to do some things just me and hsb, i know it's their money and i really appreciate it, but it's supposed to be about me and him and what we want.



    Once i told her i didn't like the tall vases of floors on tables and she started crying and said i don't like anything she likes! I got cross then and said it's not my fault i don't like it!!!



    Help!!!
  • 3 months later and my mum still hasn't changed so I cant give you all a solution Im afraid. We still argue over everything! Its like she gets an idea in her head and it doesnt matter if nothing goes with it becuase we can just change the whole colour scheme/theme to make it fit!!



    Oh get this new one, I didnt want to wear a veil-she wants me to wear one. She actually bribed me with a pair of Jimmy Choos so Id wear a veil. Small compromise on my part image



    I love my mum to death I really do but when it comes to the wedding I cant stand her lol
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  • ruthemilyruthemily Posts: 13,622
    I agree that Mums have been waiting for this day since we were born. It's kind of quite hard for me to read a lot of posts in this thread - my mum and I had nothing much to do with other from when she left when I was 10 until the Christmas just gone. We are now rebuilding our relationship, and I want her to be involved. I am lucky that she is ultra-grounded in the "it's yours and B's day" thing etc, but I know she will be wondering what she can contribute, what we could have...

    But that's fine!



    I think if you just say "this is what I want/am having" and your mum says "but I want this" then the discussion's not going to get anywhere. If you have real genuine reasons for having the things you've chosen (they're meaningful to you, reflect your personalities etc) then explain them!



    MrsBeere2b - why don't you have tea AND canopes?!



    As for their outfits clashing with the colour scheme....seriously ladies, does that REALLY matter?! Your guests won't be thinking about the colour scheme when they pick their outfits. I very much doubt anyone would even notice.



    Weddings are about committment.....they are not JUST the party afterwards. That is the party afterwards!!



    I can sympathise with not being able to invite your own friends because your mum's friends are all coming, but that is probably only because she is so very proud of you. Of course she wants to show you off! Be glad about that - it could be the opposite and that would be a lot worse! Perhaps you could throw a separate celebration party for friends afterwards - something small and true to you....or you could ask if you could increase the guestlist, as you would really like the people close to you to be there?



  • Hia Ruthemily, we have invited alot of our friends to our evening reception so at least we will have them their on our special day, wedding planning has died down alot now and she seems to be agreeing with me alot more now. I told her to back off a bit and now when she bombards me with ideas she stops herself but I tell her to go on because her ideas are good.



    Had a bit of an arguement about the cake as I like the one she chose but I like my idea better, but we've chosen to resolve that one in June when we have a cake tasting.



    I've learnt now to listen to what she says and let her finish before I tell her what I want but she still cuts me off mid sentance without hearing what I have to say and dissmisses my ideas but I just leave it and tell her about it another time. I love my mum more than anything and she has just lost her mum so it makes me want her involved in my life more-she is still difficult though! lol xx
  • ruthemilyruthemily Posts: 13,622
    aw, well I'm glad you are able to resolve things with her in a more peaceful way! Mum's will always be somewhat difficult, you are her little girl and she wants what she feels is best for you! You will have a wonderful day, no matter what she wears or the cake looks like! Enjoy! image
  • ceriukceriuk Posts: 196
    I'm so pleased I've found this thread, I now realise that I'm not alone!

    I love my mum to bits and we are very close, she is normally very laid back and when we got engaged said "it's your day, you can do what you want".



    However we seem to be arguing about everything, I understand that she is very excited but she has booked hotels for all her friends, and a table in a resturant the night before the wedding etc. Which is fine but we haven't even confirmed the guest list yet and she has tottally forgotten that my h2b has a family too!



    I really want her to feel included but don't want to fall out with her!! AAHH. It's so complicated!!!



    C x
  • Hi diamondgal, only advice I can offer you is to tell your mum to back off a bit but don't throw a tantrum like I did! Take her out, discuss your wedding and then if/when she starts arguing with you just tell her you love her but she has to stop. x
  • clayrebearclayrebear Posts: 2,481
    Hi There..



    I started a thread called "my mum is doing my head in".. I'm 33, very independant, and am very close to my family.. I'm special to them as I was so premature as a baby, they really had to fight for me.. and plus I'm the oldest of 3, so am the guinnea pig in everything.



    My folks are religious so we decided on a church do to keep them happy.. I really understand how excited my folks are, but my mum is dominant to say the least.. she treats me like a child.. its so rubbish.. I only got engaged at Easter, already everything is a nightmare because they are laying down the law.. they are forgetting its OUR big day!!



    I want them involved but we are paying for the majority.. they would rather contribute a small amount, but dictate it has to be their style of venue, dress, the whole thing..



    That to me seems so unfair.. The comments at the beginning of this link are so true, times have changed.. I just want a quiet life.. I guess everything my way!! Or at least positive reactions.. everything we suggest is either too extravagent (even though we can afford it).. or not to the same taste, my folks want some sort of tea reception in their back garden.. with only the imediate two families.. We want a small church wedding, and a beautiful country house venue, with a DJ and evening do for lots of other friends.. Why can't they just be happy for us.. I ask you.. whats wrong with that?? Oh and don't get me started.. they are apparently the hosts, because my dad is giving me away.. If I try and explain how times have changed I get abuse hurled at me.. Mother is always right type thing....



    I feel better now.. just to let you all know you are really not the only one.. any helpful advice for me.. greatly appreciated.. I'm going through it too!! xx
  • jengradjengrad Posts: 36
    hi, this is great to read! I am having similar stresses with my mum, it is getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to her as she stresses me out! Within a week of us getting engaged she had already written a guest list for our wedding!! We hadn't even booked a venue yet!! She had 50 on her list - i only have 35 on mine!! She wants to invite all her friends but she isn't even paying for the wedding and can't get her head around the fact that we would have to pay £50 a head for them!! She keeps e-mailing me, texting me and is generally doing my head in - she lives 200 miles away thankfully so I don't see her much!!

    We were thinking about getting married on 8th November originally but she said that was silly! She then preceded to say that her hair wouldn't be long enough so she possibly couldn't do that day!!

    Glad people feel that same - good luck to us all!

    X



  • louise1981uklouise1981uk Posts: 1,031
    I would let your mothers know how sad and disappointed you are about how the wedding is going to be rather than get angry. If they get really bad ask them why they would rather you unhappy on your wedding day just so they got their own way.
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