Don't want to invite Mum to wedding

Hi,

I have a small problem with what to do about my mum at my wedding. my parents have been divorced since I was very young and my dad remarried quite quickly. I always got on very well with both my parents and my step mum. My mum and I had a huge fall out several years ago and I don't really speak to her anymore - only at family gatherings to be polite and to keep the rest of the family happy. My friends and sister supported me through the dispute and can't believe I'm even considering allowing her to come to the wedding.



I don't really want her at the wedding but feel I need to invite her for the sake of my grand parents (her parents) and some other members of my family. Trouble is I want my step mum to fit the role as 'mother of the bride' as I have a much stronger relationship with her and she supported me through the problems with my mum. I don't want to deliberately hurt my mum but feel she has sacrificed the right to be 'mother of the bride' and should be just happy with the fact that I'm gonna invite her.



What do people think? I'm thinking of inviting her just as a 'normal' guest i.e. sits on the guest tables (not top table) and gets no privalage's associated with MOB.

Posts

  • PaganBridePaganBride Posts: 398
    its a tricky situation obviously we don't no the ins and outs but if you feel you don't want her there, don't feel like you have to to please others, our weddings is the one day when everything is about us and you shouldn't have to worry about it being spoilt. Plus i imagine your mum would kick up more of a fuss about being invited as a guest then not being invited at all.

    It's lovely you have a strong relationship with your step mum and i'm sure you'll have her support what ever you decide
  • ali77ukali77uk Posts: 217
    yes bit tricky.

    I seen quite a few b2b's who aren't inviting a parent, it must be really tough. My mum drives me crazy, but that's more the generation gap.

    I really feel fo ryou, although glad that you have a mother figure in your life who you do want to involve.

    Can you talk to your mum, maybe give her the option, you can come but on my terms or not at all...your choice......that way you have done what you can.
  • Ev3rlongEv3rlong Posts: 294
    I think you should do what you want to - afterall it is your wedding day.



    I am kind of in the same situation as you, and i only put up with my mum because of the pressure from my family to do so. My mum wasn't there for me growing up the way a mother should be, and if i had my way i would have no relationship with her at all as it is more hassle and upset than it is worth to be honest.



    If you feel you have a good relationship with your step mum and truly want her by your side on your wedding day i say go for it. Maybe you should sit your mum down and explain your reasons why though, or send her a letter. That way no one can accuse you of being someone your not, because some people just dont understand (mostly people on the outside that don't know what really happened between you and your mum)



    Also, i think you should not listen to your family should they be unhappy about your decision because it is your wedding, your life and you have your reasons why you feel the way you do.



    I will certainly be making my feelings clear for my wedding, No One will make me feel bad for doing things my way! I also have my reasons and they have to respect that! If they don't like it, well, Lump it i say! ;\)



    Hope all goes well for you x x x
  • faysinclairfaysinclair Posts: 337
    My h2b isn't inviting his mum to the wedding. It's maybe slightly easier as he doesn't speak to any of her side of the family and our wedding is 500 miles away from where she lives though.



    It really depends what your family make of it all. My h2b's family know he hasn't spoken to his mum in about 8 years and wont pressure him into having contact with her so it's ok. If she does turn up she'll be swiftly evicted but shouldn't happen. If your family are behind you, don't invite her. It's your wedding, not any other family member and you've been civil to her at other family dos so they should respect your wishes on your wedding day.
  • faysinclairfaysinclair Posts: 337
    My h2b isn't inviting his mum to the wedding. It's maybe slightly easier as he doesn't speak to any of her side of the family and our wedding is 500 miles away from where she lives though.



    It really depends what your family make of it all. My h2b's family know he hasn't spoken to his mum in about 8 years and wont pressure him into having contact with her so it's ok. If she does turn up she'll be swiftly evicted but shouldn't happen. If your family are behind you, don't invite her. It's your wedding, not any other family member and you've been civil to her at other family dos so they should respect your wishes on your wedding day.
  • florabugflorabug Posts: 128
    Hi bling girl!

    I've decided not to invite my mother to the wedding as she would upset to many people by being there, i feel more relaxed now that i know she's not coming, i dont have to worry about what she'll say or do...

    my family/friends have been supportive to my reasoning, it's your day dont worry about what others may think of expect -do what's right for you.

    For my head table we've decided to seat B &G, Best man, MOH so not to cause upset with re-married parents...hope this helps xx
  • babyx1uk3babyx1uk3 Posts: 494
    Hi,

    I would just like to say i truely understand, my situation is slightly different in the fact that i am not inviting my dad. We fell out before christmas after several arguments, no-one else seems to understand and they all are pressuring me into inviting him and i know if i dont then they will start with the questions,etc but i decided at the end of the day it is up to me and hubby to be not anyone else. If he has to be at family gatherings then find i will see him but at the end of the day our wedding is our day no-one elses and im not gonig to be pushed into inviting him.

    I say stick to your guns, i feel relieved now i have decided to not invite him as now i know he cannot cause me hassle on my special day.

    Hugs.x
  • kenzie2ukkenzie2uk Posts: 373
    We get married abroad and only wanted a very small do. My mum and dad split years ago and although i have never fallen out with my dad we have never been as close as my mum and i. He remarried but my mum is on her own. I just felt that she deserves to be there more than him and it would create tension for them both to go especially with his new wife. The last thing you need on your wedding day is bad feeling and to be worried about other people.

    Is your mum expecting to go, you obviously arent close. My dad hasnt asked to go i just said we are having a really small do and didnt mention an invite and he's obviously taken the hint. Dont really feel that bad. It was his job to make sure we were close as i grew up but he didnt.

    Good luck i understand how hard it must be. It was bad enough letting friends down gently.
  • PenukPenuk Posts: 1,121
    Hey Bling Girl



    Invite your guests because you want to not because other people expect them to be there. I fell out with my day about 10 years ago and although he came to my brothers wedding last year he will not be getting an invite to mine. I am inviting my Aunty (his sister) and her family though. Not sure if they will come if he is not invited but then that is up to them. Don't feel guilty about not inviting her. She could have made an effort in recent years to make up with you but as she hasn't then she has made her choice. I felt much better when I decided not to invite my dad. At first my family thought I should invite him but I spoke to my mum (they are divorced) and explained to her why I didn't want him there and now they are all 100% behind me. Gaining the support of other members of your family you care about really does make you feel better. Why don't you speak to your dad and tell him how you feel? x

  • louise1981uklouise1981uk Posts: 1,031
    Personally I think unless a parent has done somethingreally evil, like abuse, they should get to be there on the day, and fulfill their role as parent of the bride. A wedding is not just about the bride and groom, it is about family too. The marriage of a child is a HUGE thing to a parent and excluding one is a major thing which one can never change. Obviously the bride and groom should be the ones making the decisions, but they should include their family in the day and in the preparations. perhaps you could look at this as a way to heal the rift with your mother. I would speak to her if I were you, and I would not worry about your step-mother as if she supports you as much as you say she would probably rather you had your mother there as mother of the bride.
  • Z750GirlZ750Girl Posts: 2,285
    There is no reason why your step mum cant still be there for you on the day, helping you get ready, sitting with your dad at the front etc What does the mother of the bride actually do? You could be greedy and have two mother of the brides, if only to keep the peace with your mother? I am sure your step mum will understand what ever you decide. Ask your step mum to be present when you get ready beforehand - this is when you are going to need the support - and is more of the mother of the bride role.



    Only you can decide whether to invite your mother as a guest, as mother of the bride or not to invite her at all.



    Unfortunately relationships between parent and child can be destroyed by a persons behaviour over the years, not necessarily evil behaviour though.

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